Men, how do you do a hall pass?

[allmylight+dark 16]

DH here.

 

We're nearly three years into the LS (nine years happily married). Last year, we experimented with DW having freedom to do solo play with a few stipulations. We branched out into separate room at parties and then being expressly positive towards developing FWB's on occasion, including me (I was the hang up, not her holding me back or anything).

 

The thing is, this is a woman's market and DW is terrific at finding play partners; me, not so much.

 

Perhaps I'm too much a gentleman, but I have a difficult time anticipating rejection because a girl I'm flirting with will see my ring and think I'm an asshole. Or she won't believe me that my wife encourages me to pursue sexual chemistry NSA-style.

 

The other day I found great chemistry with a girl I was attracted to, but I had no idea how to take it to the next level, and at what point to make it known that I'm not looking for a LTR, but something NSA, a booty call when the stars align.

 

Anyone with experience of developing NSA's? Neither of us want to advertise anything that communicates that our play partners could be involved with cheating, nor that we are emotionally available for our play partners. But guys, how do you do this without being perceived as a dick?

 

Also, where do you find the most success with these hookups? Online, or in person at bars?

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I'm not a man, but my husband doesn't post on here. He has had a hall pass from time to time and I have male friends with hall passes so hopefully my input will be of help.

 

When we've done hall passes it's been with people we already know from swinging. That way everyone knows the situation. It won't prevent 100% of the drama you might encounter (girls wanting more than NSA), but it has worked well for us.

 

When my husband has met someone without me present he took off his wedding ring (she did too). That is ok with me, but I would talk to your wife about it first. I keep my rings on even when I'm playing by myself.

 

If you don't have swinger friends to play with and you have to look for regular people, that is a tough road. My friend has told me that girls will only sleep with him if they think he's cheating. They can't wrap their heads around open relationships and it becomes an instant turn-off to know his wife is ok with him playing.

 

If you're looking online I'd try OKcupid, there are a lot of people in open relationships there. Ashley Madison is another option if you don't mind ladies who are cheating on their significant other.

[JB 140]

I don’t think this will help much but I have never gone into it cold. I too am a gentleman and this hinders this kind of exploration sometimes. Where it has worked is with someone that I already knew.

 

In one case it was a FWB that was around before I met my wife. My wife encouraged me to hook up with her and so I did (a whole giant fun story in that part). But because of this gentleman aspect of me, I sat with her for something like 5 hours over coffee to make sure that she really had her head wrapped around what we were doing. I was not cheating, and that basically she was going to be used for play.

 

Maybe because that was our relationship before, or she was encouraged by the fact that she knew my wife (who she did verbally confirm all of this with), but it worked great. Everyone had a blast with it.

 

The other cases are the female half of a couple that we had met. It seems we have met more than our share of couples that are into “hotwifeing” for lack of a better term and that the husband loved the idea of the wife doing something with him present or not.

 

These have been my fertile areas so to speak, never ever would I try to make a cold contact at a bar or something.

 

Sorry if this is not more help, but maybe you could glean something small from it.

[JB 140]

...They can't wrap their heads around open relationships and it becomes an instant turn-off to know his wife is ok with him playing....

 

...I sat with her for something like 5 hours over coffee to make sure that she really had her head wrapped around what we were doing...

 

I made my post without seeing yours first, funny how we all think.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Hi, allmylight+dark. funcouple and -jb- have great advice...stick with swingers who also have hall passes. Not only will they understand the situation better in terms of understanding that it's not cheating and that it's all about NSA but you won't have to do as much deceiving or explaining either.

 

The reason why it's hard for a married swinger male with a hall pass to go out in the vanilla world to find NSA sex with single women is because the majority of women out there aren't looking for just sex--they want romance and they want to find a life partner. If they hear that you are already taken, then they don't want to be a "home wrecker" or they don't want to be "used for sex". Whereas women in the LS are there for just sex. Married swinger women have their partner already and are just looking for extra fun. Finding a non-swinger married woman for NSA is asking for trouble. They are cheating and are looking for something that they aren't getting at home from their partner and it won't be NSA.

 

In a recent thread, AFF Hacked, it was noted that there was a ratio of one woman for every 16 men signed up on the website. This is why it is a lot easier for a swinger wife to find a willing male playmate. There's just a lot more of them out there looking for sex, whether it is NSA or more. We know of a swinger couple that does hall passes. It was always extremely easy for the wife to find a playmate, even in the vanilla pool of men. The husband mostly had to rely on swinger friends to get his extra playtime. Whenever he went out to try the vanilla pool of women, he would be called a "player" or wanted more than NSA--and that was not being upfront with them about already being married and being a swinger.

 

I'm know it's a bit depressing and discouraging but it is going to be an uphill battle finding playmates as a swinger husband with a hall pass. Someone on the forum once said, males that either have fame, fortune, or good looks will have a much easier time finding playmates. Average Joes have to try a lot harder to find someone and have a lot of patience.

 

Since you know how hard it can be for single males in the LS, that's what you'll be perceived as well if you delve into the swinger pool of women as well.

 

I hope some single males or other swinger husbands with hall passes can help you with details on finding suitable playmates but from what I've seen, patience and persistence in your search are what you will need.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

I have little more to add except to say that I do the same as the others -- have play dates with women that I have met already through swing events; house parties and club parties.

 

I will add this one hint -- get to know the single guys that are out doing it on their own. The successful guys are typically acquainted with several females and they are typically willing to pass along a name of another worthwhile guy. And a gal appreciates when a guy comes along with a "letter of recommendation".

[Guest sandraandalex]

First off, No Strings Attached, means they've often been made into a web.

 

That being said, solo play with the female half of a couple we know well works. First off, a very small percentage of people Swing. That small percentage transfers over to the real world. It isn't that they cannot wrap their head around it, they aren't wired for it socially or culturally. That's a big difference.

 

Yes, it's easier for women to get additional sex partners. Also, you have to accept that few women you would normally meet would've any interest. After all, there are plenty of single men available to match their social norms. Lastly,that your wife will always have an easier time getting laid.

[kikonkrome 844]

The thing is, this is a woman's market and DW is terrific at finding play partners; me, not so much.

 

I would agree that your wife is great at finding play partner and you are not. I would not agree that it is a solely woman’s market. I did great when I was single and honestly do great with women now that want to play with me and the wife.

 

Perhaps I'm too much a gentleman, but I have a difficult time anticipating rejection because a girl I'm flirting with will see my ring and think I'm an asshole. Or she won't believe me that my wife encourages me to pursue sexual chemistry NSA-style.

 

Anticipating rejection is not being a gentleman. Being a gentleman is taking care of your partner’s needs whether they are a play partner or life partner. It also means showing your partner respect, and dignity. Finally I feel that it also involves positivity. I always tell my partners how amazing I think they are. If I didn’t think they were amazing why would I be with them? Nobody wants to feel like they don’t matter to their partners even with NSA encounters.

 

The other day I found great chemistry with a girl I was attracted to, but I had no idea how to take it to the next level, and at what point to make it known that I'm not looking for a LTR, but something NSA, a booty call when the stars align.

 

Did she? What action did you take? A gentleman would ask her what she wants, and then you know if the stars align.

 

Anyone with experience of developing NSA's? Neither of us want to advertise anything that communicates that our play partners could be involved with cheating, nor that we are emotionally available for our play partners. But guys, how do you do this without being perceived as a dick?

 

Basically you need to find women that only want play partners and nothing more. How many women do you interact with in a given day? A week? There are a LOT of single women that only want a light, fun, good time, with NSA. Not all of them are going to be interested in you and you will not be interested in all of them. You are not going to know though unless you are interacting with them.

 

 

Also, where do you find the most success with these hookups? Online, or in person at bars?

 

I have certainly had luck in both places.

 

When I was single it was online. I would basically talk to as many women as possible online while I was at home at night with the kids. It was really a life saver. We still meet and interact with women (and men for that matter) online. I just don’t have the time or desire to spend on meeting partners this way as I did in the past. That being said I just had a phone call with a young lady to schedule our first dinner with the three of us, she had contacted us online.

 

We certainly meet our current partners at lifestyle clubs. Honestly, I can easily think of at least four different woman that we have met that would be interested in a fun NSA experience, assuming they were interested in you. One of those is a really great play partner and getting to be friend. She and her husband are really fun and have an open relationship, where she plays and he doesn’t.

 

As far a vanilla bars go, that's an uphill battle. I think you will have a hard time finding a woman emotionally capable of just a fun NSA time. It wasn't impossible for me (again when I was single), but I did run into a LOT of trouble as well. That being said, be alert for what springs up around you, I know I was surprised.

 

I think you need to look inside yourself to see a solution to this problem.

 

Hope this helps, if you want more guidance feel free to ask.

[LVHallPass 16]

I've been where you are. After our first few swinging experiences my wife and I agreed that we enjoyed our experiences more when we were alone. We have been primarily doing dates this way for about a year and a half. The best luck I have had is with the female half of couples in the lifestyle that we already know. I see two women that are swingers in good, stable relationships. I see them alone as often as I am able. The sex is great, there's no pressure when one of us has to cancel a date, and we always leave the bedroom on good terms. My wife, on the other hand, has had great success with Ashley Madison.

 

I have tried AFF and AM, but I just don't have the time to weed through all of the prostitutes and gold diggers, and I'm not just saying that off hand. My wife has met several men on AM and each of them has told her that it took a lot of effort (and a considerable amount of money to send messages) to find women that were actually normal people looking to date (as a side note she is not cheating with married men, but finds singles or swingers with hall passes). There are far more men on hookup sites than women. Women on those sites are bombarded by dick pics and "Hey there!" messages. Real women will have to weed through a lot of men before even finding your profile, and once you message them and they find out you're a swinger or in an open marriage most of them will lose interest.

 

If you're looking for hookups outside of the swinger pool either don't tell them that you are married, or tell them that you are married, but cheating, and I have two subjective long term experiences to back this up.

 

For about six months I dated a woman that knew I was in an open relationship. Every time we met she would bring up the fact that she just couldn't wrap her head around the fact that my wife knew what I was doing, was ok with it, and even wanted to meet her. She is single and I met her through mutual friends that we swing with, so she knew my situation. Because she knew I was married, but had a hall pass we had issues when I couldn't see her as often as she wanted me to. It fell apart.

 

I have another friend that is divorced. We've always had a very close relationship and been attracted to one another. We went out for drinks soon after I began swinging. She was having trouble with her boyfriend, so I said, "I can offer you a booty call". She immediately said, "Where would we go?" We talked a little bit and then she asked about my wife. I opened up about our open marriage. She was a little shocked, then suddenly, no boom boom for me. We've stayed close, gone on many dates, been drunk numerous times, made out, held hands, etc. but when it comes to the good stuff she says, "I don't fuck around with married men.", which is bullshit, because she does. What she really means is, "Your open marriage thing freaks me out. I'd be ok if you were cheating on your wife, I was the other woman, and I thought I might have a shot at making you leave her for me, but since I know that's not going to happen...."

 

So, like someone else said here, women either want an unattached man to settle down with, or a married man with the hopes of settling down with some day. I'm not saying it can't happen, because you may find that rare woman that is ok with your situation, but it's not likely.

 

You'll have a lot more fun, and a lot less drama, if you find women who are either swingers or in an honest, open relationship.

[Guest sandraandalex]

Well, first you have to make it fun and positive. If it's not, why bother. Now, Alex, at times, has said some pretty naive things. They can be adorably naive. He wanted to try the idea of a Hall Pass for himself and thought I would not agree. So, he decided to make it a contest and said we should both go out that night and see who could get laid first. I know, pretty stupid contest. Anyway, I texted him a photo of the two men who ravaged me splendidly and he , of course, got nothing that night. Then I said, "Shall we do this intelligently this time?" It all worked out great. My suggestion is no rules, go fuck. It'll sort to its own level.

[lacouples 16]

Wife sent this to me and her best friend. We all know the score.

 

[WesternSwing 504]

My advice is to fish where the fish are. In other words, look within the swinger, kink, poly communities where such an arrangement (and a ring) doesn't scare anyone away. I know personally, I've had some luck, but very little finding FWB's in the vanilla world.