We have begun our journey in the Lifestyle - Not a good start

[johnstarx5 61]

Hello:

 

This is my 100 post! And this is a continuation of my member of the week interview.

 

In my MOTW I stated GF and I were getting to know each other better before beginning our journey into the lifestyle. We have begun our journey but journey started out with a great big thud.

 

So last night we met a couple and things seemed to be going real well. GF excused herself to go to bathroom and texted me "not going to happen".

 

When we left I asked her what that text was all about. She said they were very interested in playing with her but had no desire to play with me :(

 

I have been very depressed and have questioned my manhood.

 

Not the way I hoped it would start.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Congrats on your 100th post

 

Rejection is certainly in the Not Fun part of the Lifestyle list, but to put it in perspective, it helps to remember there will be many times when it's the other direction - someone will be interested in you but you don't feel the same level of attraction toward them. It doesn't mean they are any less of a person, it doesn't mean they aren't attractive, it doesn't even mean that you don't like their company, it's just that you don't feel the sexual chemistry. When you walk away from those encounters, you aren't thinking any less of them, it just didn't work out. When they walked away from this encounter, I'm sure it was the same thing, it just didn't work out.

[oc1234 436]

Look on the bright side. You should be happy that she didn't want to play if you weren't involved too.

[PandO 103]

We just had our first meeting too. Ours was more or less just to say hi and see if there was any chemistry. Also very disappointing, but probably not as much so as yours. Sorry you feel rejected. Hope your next experience is better.

[johnstarx5 61]

Yes good points but I guess my issues is that it was not that they did not like us as a couple but that they did not like me.

 

Why me is the thing I cannot get out of my head.

[Fundamental Law 2,928]

Rejection is tough. It is also a fact of life. Harder when half of a couple is rejected. Fact of the matter is that four-way chemistry is rare. One approach is to have the initial face-to-face meet planned with zero expectations. Plan a drink, a cup of coffee, dinner--but no more. This gives time for both couples to reflect. Now if it happens that you (plural) get invited back to their place for a glass of wine or whatever and you feel comfortable, by all means accept. But don't go into the first face-to-face meeting with the expectation that the four-way chemistry is going to be there. Even with prescreening, texts, chats and so on, maybe one-in-four times there's real interest.

 

Why you? Because you're human. No reason needed or expected. Try to think back on the teenage years when you were trying out social skills on dates. Some were just dreadful. So if the odds of something clicking on a given date was 50:50 (1/2) and you now have two couples involved, the odds of both (new) airs clicking is 1/2 * 1/2 = 1/4. Do not berate yourself, beat yourself up, overanalyze and so on.

 

You are very lucky to have a "team" approach, no one "takes one for the team" and you're in it together or you're not in it. That's called partnership. Cherish it.

[angelkin 1,326]

Johnstarx5 - it's a fact in the lifestyle that the women are often the "target" and the men are just part of the package deal. Kudos to her for recognizing that perhaps there was not a 4 way chemistry...can I ask how she ascertained that?

 

Frustrating, of course...but the lifestyle isn't all about sex. The two of you came and left as a team and that is the most celebrated thing in swinging.

[johnstarx5 61]

Johnstarx5 can I ask how she ascertained that?

 

 

Not exactly sure but I believe when I left for a short while the three of them started talking.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Yes good points but I guess my issues is that it was not that they did not like us as a couple but that they did not like me.

 

Why me is the thing I cannot get out of my head.

 

It really does get into your head. But, you have to just accept the fact that it isn't a flaw or shortcoming on your part or theirs. It's just one of those things.

 

I did a search on the site for "Thick skin", and I haven't looked at them, but it kicked out 59 results. So yeah, it's kind of a theme around here.

[kikonkrome 845]

I am sorry about what happened and how it made you feel, similar things have certainly happened to me as well. Yes, it is really painful, and I understand it makes you question your manhood. Oh and the fact that your GF went home with you certainly feels like the 'consolation' prize. Yeah I get it that sucks out loud and makes you wonder why you are spending you time doing this?

 

So the question is what are you going to do about it moving forward? How do you move forward?

 

Do you stay in the LS? That is your first question, it's not for everybody.

 

Assuming you do, what's next? Crank through couple's until you find that elusive 'chemistry'?

 

After discussing this with my wife here's what we have found.

 

It's really not uncommon for us to meet, or see couples at the club where the girl 'looks' serious, she's dressed up, etc. , and the guy has made little to no effort, or is clueless regarding making himself look good, being outgoing and friendly, having some kind of generic sex appeal. Taking a good stock of yourself and what you can do will vastly increase your odds of achieving that elusive 'chemistry'. Our experience is, swinging is shallow, it's highly based on appearance, this includes your willingness to be friendly and fun. Achieving a 'close' relationship, where people get to know your good qualities is not going to happen after an hour or so.

 

What I have certainly done is reviewed how I present myself to others. I am a 6'4" muscular man, I can be intimidating, I do my absolute best not be (in any social situations). Sometimes I still fail.

 

I keep working on this kinda stuff and I will say it's been pretty successful.

 

Rejections still happen and they still suck, though.

 

I wish you the best of luck with what you decide to do from here.

[Guest]

We had something similar happen twice, both times during a time when I was trying to be more open to FF play. I really didn't see either as a rejection of hubby but rather a difference in interest. They were simply more interested in an FMF or in the males watching FF activity whereas I wasn't interested in any game without hubby getting as fully fulfilled as everyone else and he is simply not into just watch.

[johnstarx5 61]

Ok so I now know how lucky I am to have such a wonderful girlfriend and partner.

 

We had a discussion about what happened. She told me I was a little too honest about my experience level (it's modest) and she thinks it scared them away.

 

Onwards we go

[GoldCoCouple 4,070]

It's HARD to find FOUR people who all feel a connection. Don't take it personally, just move forward and realize that there will be couples that you meet where you won't feel a connection and you'll look back on this and understand.

[3622maw 39]

I got the same thing, but perseverance pays off. I didn't give up and now it's the best thing we ever did. Keep searching and you will find something that is perfect for both of you and you will have the time of your life

[njbm 2,924]

Agree. We had some weird moments, some of mass rejection, but some moments of acceptance, exhilaration and moments where we were both objects of others' desire. It is a wild ride. Experience it!

[3622maw 39]

Agree. We had some weird moments, some of mass rejection, but some moments of acceptance, exhilaration and moments where we were both objects of others' desire. It is a wild ride. Experience it!

 

Well said njbm

[PandO 103]

Yes good points but I guess my issues is that it was not that they did not like us as a couple but that they did not like me.

 

Why me is the thing I cannot get out of my head.

 

Why you as in why is it happening to you? Or why you as in you are feeling it personal and have self esteem questions? I think it is just the reality of things, don't take it personal. Why do you think like 99% of profiles are he is straight, she is bi? Because they are all looking for another female and many times they are hiding behind looking for a couple.

 

-O