Girlfriend wants open relationship, but jealousy issues

[lizandfriz 17]

My girl vacations a lot alone to the Caribbean. On three trips she had sex of some sort with other men, last time with a couple. She tells me and part of me is turned on, but it does make me feel a little humiliated. I'd rather be there to take part or witness. Not sure if I can do it, but want to try.

 

She's not going to stop if the opportunity presents itself. I have been with another woman and told her. She seemed bothered by it. Not sure if we've corralled our jealousy issues.

 

How can we do this the right way?

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Love, trust, communication.

 

First, are you two supposed to be exclusive? Have you ever been invited to go with her on vacation? It sounds like you need to start by talking with her and finding out more of what her thinking is. There's another thread that is talking about swinging vs. cheating...this sounds like another case of cheating but is definitely NOT swinging. If she isn't willing to stop, then the question becomes are you willing to tolerate it. Personally, this doesn't sound good at all...

[Lionheart72 2,191]

how can we do this the right way?

 

She stops doing things that make you uncomfortable. You stop doing things that make her uncomfortable. You both have a good long talk about what you want out of your relationship and what is or isn't ok. Then you talk about it some more, and more and yet more. You come to an agreement and you both stick to it. Swinging requires trust, sharing and open, honest communication.

[Glida 250]

not sure if I can do it, but want to try.

 

She's not going to stop if the opportunity presents itself.

 

Sounds like you two are not even on the same playing field. It's great that you want to be part of it and you should tell her that. If she's not into trying it 'with you' though and doesn't want to stop doing what she's doing alone knowing that you don't feel whole with it then that's not swinging, thats cheating! Me and Mr G don't swing separately it's a choice that works for us but from what I gather from the good people on this site is that the ones that do, still share everything! You said that she had "sex of some sort"...not enough details, your imagination is filling in the blanks, I'm not surprised you feel the way you do. Part of the thrill is walking through the fear of thinking we might 'fuck up' but knowing that our partner is there to hold our hand anyway! You have a lot to talk about, be honest with her.

[lizandfriz 17]

Thanks for all the great advice and information. I know that it's not a good situation. I love her and have been maybe too quick to give her room to explore while feeling bad about myself.

 

I don't actually want to be with anyone else. My time without her was anything but fun and pleasurable.

 

Before any of this we had talked about joining this lifestyle, but I'm starting to feel like that ship has sailed. I mean, if it's not fun and shared in some way, what's the point.

[Lionheart72 2,191]

I don't actually want to be with anyone else. My time without her was anything but fun and pleasurable.

 

Forgive me for being blunt, but it doesn't sound like your time with her is being entirely fun and pleasurable either. In my view being in a bad relationship, because you think it's better than being single, just holds you back from finding a good relationship.

 

I mean, if it's not fun and shared in some way, what's the point.

 

You got it in one, my friend. You got it in one.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

I mean, if it's not fun and shared in some way, what's the point.

 

Doesn't sound like you are having any fun and this is SUPPOSED to be fun. If it isn't then why are you even considering it? Sounds like you need to have a serious talk with her and then decide if you two are a match after all. In the end, 'I love her' will not cover over her sins and there are others much more worth of your love...this is experience talking here. Good luck and let us know how it's going...

[JBI2014 23]

If this arrangement suits you, then stick it out. If it doesn't, then move on. Life is short, time is luck, so don't be afraid to pull the 'eject' handle if you have to.

[lizandfriz 17]

well, I have a really difficult time leaving. Guess I'll be with her until it hurts more to stay than leave.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Hi, lizandfriz. Have you two sat down and talked about this? I mean really sat and talked? Not in bed or after sex but at the dining table? I can only foresee more pain for both of you if you both continue down this road. From what I've read, she's playing without any consideration of your feelings and you may or may not play but if you do, it also causes her some pain. What part of any of that sounds like fun or healthy for the relationship?

 

After you two have a heart-to-heart talk about this, I would recommend not swinging and working on the relationship because it doesn't sound like there's the respect, love, trust, and communication for your relationship to handle swinging. For us, the best thing that came out of swinging was an enhanced level of communication that bred a closer intimacy. It wasn't the sex with other people...it was the fact that it strengthened our relationship, our love, and our trust in one another.

 

I think if swinging doesn't do that for a relationship, then the couple needs to stop and contemplate what their relationship means to each other and if they want to improve it or not.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

well, I have a really difficult time leaving. Guess I'll be with her until it hurts more to stay than leave.

 

I did this for 22 years of a 23 year marriage. I knew very quickly that it wasn't going to work (she suffers from severe depression) but once she was pregnant I stayed for my son and the fear of the unknown if I were to leave. In my case, the fear was much greater than how it was after I left. Looking back, if it wasn't for my son, I really should have left. Staying just because it was easier than leaving is not a reason to stay just like thinking 'things aren't THAT bad' isn't the same as things are good.

[Lionheart72 2,191]

well, I have a really difficult time leaving. Guess I'll be with her until it hurts more to stay than leave.

 

With respect, staying in a bad relationship because you're afraid to leave just prevents you from finding a good relationship.