She wants us to stop swinging, but I don't want to

[rdywlngable 15]

I'll try to keep this short....we started swinging about 3 years ago and have had some great encounters with other couples, mfm, and fmf. We've both had a lot of fun, and I've gone out of my way to make sure we are helping her accomplish her fantasies etc. Over the last year, she's been kind of hot & cold about the LS...parts of the month she thinks it's awesome, and others she can't understand why we even do it. It has become a tough roller coaster ride to endure to say the least.

 

I've spent the better part of our 20+ year marriage doing all I can to make her happy...from dealing with her family....cleaning house...shopping, cooking, working etc. In return I've put up with someone who can't bother to put anything away...changes her mind back and forth about everything....providing me with 20 lousy birthdays and 16 shitty Fathers' Days. But I love her dearly....she is my soul mate. None of the negative things are ever done maliciously...it's kind of how she is...she's a tad ADHD and her parents weren't much for getting things done so she comes by it honestly.

 

There are things in the LS I still want to try....and honestly I feel very at home with the people involved....I guess I'm kind of a perv in that way...but we stick together...

 

She asked me the other night if we gave up the LS....would I want to go our separate ways...I honestly don't know. I know I'd miss her terribly....and it would hurt to see her or think about her. But...if we leave the LS...I know I will be very unhappy as well...and I don't know if she'd be able to live with me being that unhappy.

 

Sexually...I have trouble getting to the finish line without thinking of something swinging related...and if we're not in it..I won't do that because that would be like sitting in a Ferrari every weekend despite never being able to own one...there's no real point.

 

I'm really at a loss...no idea what to do. Does anyone have any experience with couples that were in a similar predicament? Did they stay married? Were they happy if so?

 

I know it sounds selfish...that I'd be willing to give up our marriage so I can fulfill some of my fantasies, and have some fun...but at the same point... is it fair to stay unhappy, and possibly make her unhappy just to stay in the marriage? We saw a counselor and the counselor asked if she'd be ok if I stayed in the LS if she wanted to leave and it was a pretty quick... No. Even when I've discussed a few things I'd like to try with just the 2 of us...she typically forgets/ ignores....or whatever but it never happens. Sex is usually in the same order....She blows me for a few minutes... I go down on her for 30/40 min....we fuck for a while....maybe I'll go back down...maybe fuck again....and then when it's time for me to get mine...she just asks how do you want to do it? If I want her to jerk me off.....she loses rhythm and interest....she's tired...otherwise I jerk off and cum on her...and ask her to tell me a story...which she does from the point of view of what works for her ( despite my having asked dozens of times to tell it like I like it)....sometimes she starts to get herself off again...and I'm still just there waiting...and have to retreat into my own mind.

 

I'm sure I'm not the easiest person to live with, and she has issues with me as well....You know...buying her flowers and clothes and stuff....how awful am I! Granted,, money has been tight and I should have maybe scaled it back....but for all I put in...and from what I get out....I guess I'm starting to answer my own question.

 

Bottom line...I'll never love like I Have loved her again....I'll never trust anyone that completely...nor find someone as compassionate...and as hot.....but if she doesn't want to be in the LS anymore, and I'm certainly not going to force her....and I'm not sure I can be happy without it....what am I to do?

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Thanks for telling us the whole story, it helps to really understand where things are at and where you are coming from. I saw three things that stood out to me.

 

Her being hot and cold on the Lifestyle. You say "we've both had lots of fun". Are you sure about that, or could it be that the fun you are having is making up a large portion of the "we" there? Usually when someone is hot and cold on something it's because they like the idea, and experience just enough satisfaction in it to know that it is really supposed to be better than what they have experienced so far. That keeps them coming back, only for that time to be tolerable again but not everything it could be, they get disillusioned, again, and then interest starts slowly growing, again. Lather, rinse, repeat. You both need to work together to find what is missing for her. Maybe you aren't being choosy enough on playmates so she doesn't feel good connection, maybe she's the slower paced of the two and you being at your speed makes her a little nervous about the whole idea, or maybe something else. There's something there though, you need to find out what it is and fix it, even if it means you yourself scaling back on your approach.

 

Number two is you aren't that happy with the rest of your relationship. It's possible to love someone deeply and still not be happy sharing a household and relationship with them. Identify what needs worked on there, and fix it, and fix it doesn't mean struggling to keep it shoved way down inside where you can ignore it while your resentment grows until it finally blows everything apart, likely to the degree it can never be repaired.

 

Along those same lines is your sex life together, there are problems there. Forgive me for being blunt, but if you have to fantasize about swinging just so you can finish with her, then she's not hot to you. You say she is, and you THINK she's hot, because that's what you know you are supposed to think about a woman you love as your wife, but deep down, she's not doing it for you. That may be her fault through lack of interest and effort, or it may be your fault because of unreasonable expectations, etc. Realistically, you both probably share the blame to some degree. Either way, you must fix that, and you need to do it now. Find professional help with a sex-positive counselor and start working back to where sex with each other is something to look forward to and be 100% invested in.

 

Fixing the overall relationship and fixing the sexual relationship are your priorities right now. Fix those and you very well may hold onto swinging. Don't fix them, or don't put them top priority, then your swinging life with her is soon to be over, and maybe your life together too.

 

Good luck with this, I hope you two can find a way to make things work for you both and be stronger for it.

[PleasingHer 52]

Tough one.

If you like the LS then it's hard to give up. I however agree with cpl.... If your willing to give up the marriage for swinging them something was wrong in the relationship. I would be wicked pissed if the wife wanted to give it up but I would do it. I also have to think about other stuff in order to get to the finish line. I do think she is hot, and I do love her but I'm just a perv so that's what I need. So don't feel bad about that one.

You really didn't explain why she wants out. That's the key to everything. She wants out for a reason and isn't sure you will stay with her if she does leave the LS. So find out why. You will most likely get a generic response like " it's not for me", but dig a little deeper. Specifics are important to her state of mind.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Fixing the overall relationship and fixing the sexual relationship are your priorities right now.

 

I totally agree with this line of thinking. I sense A LOT of resentment and pent up anger in your post, little of which have to do with the swinging part of your relationship. You sound like a guy that is pretty much fed up with his current situation. The two of you are going to have to work through that if you want to save the marriage and make it successful.

 

Best of luck to the two of you. It's a tough place to be.

[Bob250 74]

At the risk of redundancy, let me point out a few facts about the LS. Swinging is not a substitute for good marital sex. Swinging is not a substitute for good marital communications, affection, shared life experiences or trust. Swinging is not a substitute for anything. Swinging is the icing on the cake, it is NOT the cake. Swinging is a recreational activity. To view it as anything more profound is incorrect, in my opinion. If you are of the opinion that swinging is the be all and end all of human relationships, then you need to start over in the playbook and re-learn the basics. This may seem blunt, but it's meant well.

[tribbles 490]

She knows how you feel and won't give you permission to play. Could she want a divorce but not want to file?

Or might she be unhappy but give in and let you play to find out for yourself if it's really want you want?

 

Seems like you two have a lot to consider.

 

I know I'd let him go 'find himself' alone if I didn't want to go cuz I love him enough to let him be himself.

 

Best wishes to you both.