Expressing affection for your non-SO partners?

kikonkrome · July 28, 2015

So here are the two situations. I am an affectionate guy, especially after sex, but it's a little awkward figuring out where/if there are boundaries.

We have a lady that we play with, her husband doesn't play. We have a great time with them both outside of the bedroom and with her inside. She kisses me pretty intensely when he isn't around, less so in front of him. Her and I were sitting on the couch together with all of us talking, and I will readily admit, although I wanted to I kept my hands off of her. I plan on having a bit of a chat with them about it the next time I see them. One of the reasons I like them is they are really easy to talk to about this kinda stuff. Find out where they are at?

Something similar came up with the last couple. We were in recovery, giggle mode, laying around naked. I was casually stroking my partner's knee (err, not my wife). Kinda got a bad vibe feeling. Wondering if she liked it, insecurity, etc.

Now certainly part of this is a lifetime of not messing with another guy's girl. That's my own conditioning and I get it. I also get the 'Hey we're done', on go the clothes and off they go. I have no problem giving people their space.

I was just wondering how others deal with affection? Do they like it? Do they like to see their partners expressing it? Boundaries?

On the FYI, I really like it when the other partners are affectionate with my wife. Really fun giving her a love sandwich!!!

So do you think it's just me and I should lighten up and enjoy the affectionate caresses?

taylor623 · July 28, 2015

As the female, I love it! More guys should do it! My opinion! My husband also says he loves seeing it done to me.

cplnuswing · July 28, 2015

We do it, and don't have any problem with it, either giving or receiving. Maybe it's because we lean towards the friends-first side of the continuum, so it doesn't feel odd to us and we have never detected any weird vibe coming back at us. When we've gone the once and done route and played at clubs, then we don't really do it. There may be a little bit of winding down all together, but it's more of a once you're done, you just go ahead and start getting dressed.

The more I think about it, I would say we do it more with experienced couples than with those who are new. That's not a conscious decision, but more just part of the overall wanting to make sure you are respecting boundaries and not going somewhere they aren't comfortable going. With experienced couples, everyone just kind of falls into it naturally. With the newer couples, we wouldn't make the first move on that, but if they did, then it would feel natural to us and we wouldn't pull away from it.

Ebonylehigh · July 28, 2015

My husband and I both love it, we actually are not really happy when our play partners feel the need to run back to each other after sex. We are both cuddlers and affectionate, so after sex I like to rub and be rubbed, kiss etc. Luckily most of our play partners have been the same or at least welcomed our post sex affection. I do admit this doesn't happen at clubs, that is usually a play and go situation or anywhere the play areas are limited.

This thread actually makes me think of another issue, even before sex while we are hanging out I like to be mildly affectionate to my play partner (touching, hugging, laying my head on his shoulder etc), my husband would like to do similar things but the female halves really don't seem like they want that and they don't initiate it as I do. There have also been less of my partners partaking in this. Is that a line cross for a lot of people, should affection only be shown in the bedroom or at playtime?

benawyl · July 29, 2015

Personally I don't like it. Once I leave the bedroom the girls should go back to their mates IMO.

I'm not her boyfriend. I'm a fuck buddy. Affection is for her husband. Sure a wind down after sex is one thing but once we are all dressed I'd like to part ways.

sunbuckus · July 29, 2015

Everyone is different. Some are naturally affectionate and some aren't. For myself, I have noticed that I am a lot more affectionate with those I am really attracted to. If I'm not caressing a playmate, I'm probably not comfortable with them, not as attracted, or I have sensed that they aren't into that.

I love, love, love to be caressed but it also matters on who is doing it. If it's from someone that gives me a creepy feeling, I don't want them anywhere near me, much less touching me.

As for Mr. Sun expressing affection to another woman...I'm not sure. He isn't really that way with me so I wouldn't be surprised if I reacted somewhat negatively. It's the same old case of, "Why are they doing _____ to someone else but hates doing _____ with me?"

benawyl · July 29, 2015

Everyone is different. Some are naturally affectionate and some aren't. For myself, I have noticed that I am a lot more affectionate with those I am really attracted to. If I'm not caressing a playmate, I'm probably not comfortable with them, not as attracted, or I have sensed that they aren't into that.

I love, love, love to be caressed but it also matters on who is doing it. If it's from someone that gives me a creepy feeling, I don't want them anywhere near me, much less touching me.

As for Mr. Sun expressing affection to another woman...I'm not sure. He isn't really that way with me so I wouldn't be surprised if I reacted somewhat negatively. It's the same old case of, "Why are they doing _____ to someone else but hates doing _____ with me?"

Am I alone in thinking we should treat lifestyle friends and play partners no different than our vanilla couple friends? I mean outside the bedroom that is? I wouldn't go touch and caress my best friend's girlfriend or wife if we were all hanging out. So why should I do that with a lifestyle girl? Why should a guy think it's ok to do it with my woman?

intuition897 · July 29, 2015

I just asked Mr intuition897 what he thought of it. He gives me the pike-eye and says, "What do YOU think of it?" I told him I like it. If I didn't like these people, I wouldn't be in bed with them in the first place. It's whatever. He said, "Yeah, it's kind of like the no-kissing rule. It's a little late to be all shy at that point."

We used to have a no-kissing rule, but realized it was kind of dumb for us because swinging, by nature, is very intimate. I don't have a problem being affectionate with people I barely know. You just sort of pretend to yourself that you know them that well and enjoy the cuddling. Almost like saying, "In some other lifetime, if we were somehow part of one another's lives, I would cuddle you like 'this'. But we don't have a life together, and we're okay with that because we love the lives that we are living right now. But it sure was nice to meet you. "

intuition897 · July 29, 2015

Am I alone in thinking we should treat lifestyle friends and play partners no different than our vanilla couple friends? I mean outside the bedroom that is? I wouldn't go touch and caress my best friend's girlfriend or wife if we were all hanging out. So why should I do that with a lifestyle girl? Why should a guy think it's ok to do it with my woman?

I think this is a very individual thing, and something you would have to intuitively feel out with each couple or partner. Benawyl, we'd probably get a vibe from you early in the evening that this kind of thing is NOT okay with you, so we wouldn't do it. Then again, we probably wouldn't "click" in the first place because our energies/attitudes would be so different.

sunbuckus · July 29, 2015

Am I alone in thinking we should treat lifestyle friends and play partners no different than our vanilla couple friends? I mean outside the bedroom that is? I wouldn't go touch and caress my best friend's girlfriend or wife if we were all hanging out. So why should I do that with a lifestyle girl? Why should a guy think it's ok to do it with my woman?

It really depends on what each couple is comfortable with and what they are looking for. Swinging isn't just one thing...it is a spectrum of exploring non-monogamy. For some, it means hands-off, one and done. For others, it means exclusivity with one other couple and being very affectionate among everyone. And then there's everything between, over, and under those two.

Many of us find that interactions between our vanilla friends differ wildly than our swinger friends. We feel more free to talk about sex and our attraction to each other. Not to mention the common bond of having that "dirty little secret" of being swingers and no one else around us knows. Also, once two couples have swapped, whether some like to admit it or not, there is a type of intimacy there. You've seen each other's partner up close and personal. I once heard it called "tunnel buddies" between men. Both men know what it's like to feel both women and vice versa. It's another common bond that not a lot of other people in the vanilla world is privy to.

benawyl · July 29, 2015

I think this is a very individual thing, and something you would have to intuitively feel out with each couple or partner. Benawyl, we'd probably get a vibe from you early in the evening that this kind of thing is NOT okay with you, so we wouldn't do it. Then again, we probably wouldn't "click" in the first place because our energies/attitudes would be so different.

Well if I get outside my 2 month swinging experience and just look at it from a vanilla perspective. If I have a pure vanilla playmate (not a FWB) then the only thing we do is meet for sex. We don't talk about our lives or do activities or cuddle. It's meet have sex for an hour or two and leave and not really any communication till we set up another play session.

I guess I'm seeing playmates in swinging in the same manner. Sex toys with a pulse as somebody here called them.

kikonkrome · July 29, 2015

Personally I don't like it. Once I leave the bedroom the girls should go back to their mates IMO.

I'm not her boyfriend. I'm a fuck buddy. Affection is for her husband. Sure a wind down after sex is one thing but once we are all dressed I'd like to part ways.

Thanks bro, makes me feel like I am not crazy by getting a bad vibe...btw I am pretty affectionate with a few vanilla friends, although I don't rub their thigh, but you know, I could rub yours!

cplnuswing · July 29, 2015

Well, to each their own, but if all I saw in my playmates was somewhere to stick it, then I'd just quit swinging. A big part of the joy and fun is the connection with another person. I'm not talking about falling in love, but I'm not talking about let's rub our parts together and act like we're having fun so we can get this over with and be on our way. What you get out of something is what you put into it, no pun intended. Benawyl, maybe swinging isn't rewarding to you because you aren't putting anything into it, and so aren't getting anything back in return?

And in regard to treating your swinging friends no different than your vanilla friends, that is true - with all our good close friends, we are warm and care about them. A few of those friends, there is a sexual aspect to the friendship too. But even for the ones where there isn't that sexual component, and we have absolutely no intent or interest in trying to introduce a sexual component, we still aren't afraid to touch each other, sit close to each other, or whatever else that would seem to be beyond the pale for you. Caressing in a sexual manner? Absolutely not. A shoulder squeeze, pat on the back, or hug when they are upset or hurt, then absolutely.

benawyl · July 29, 2015

"Caressing in a sexual manner? Absolutely not. A shoulder squeeze, pat on the back, or hug when they are upset or hurt, then absolutely."

This is completely normal. Giving a friends wife a hug hello or consoling her and showing concern during a tough time is not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about extended hand on inside of thigh or kissing once we are dressed or what I see at meet and greets. At a pure normal vanilla bar hands plastered on asses sitting on each other's laps.

I just think there's a line where you start encroaching on Poly territory. Does that make sense?

I'm making friends but the ones I make friends with oddly enough I probably won't sleep with their wives.

You say it's not rewarding because I'm not putting anything into it.I don't know. I think it's a combination of things. If I take my GF out of the equation and pretend I'm single.

Well it's hard for me to find girls I'm attracted to. A lot of them are attractive from a distance and when I talk to them I either feel like she's my sister or I think yeahhh I guess I could sleep with her. Not damn I gotta have this. I haven't had a damn I gotta have this moment yet.

My GF sets a high bar. The women I've slept with set a high bar so that's an issue.

Secondly to be honest the sex is always going to be average to slightly above average at best. Only can be so good with a condom and if I don't get to finish then what's the point? I'm sorry but I have sex to have an orgasm.

So just for me without her nothing good has happened.

cplnuswing · July 29, 2015

Not really, but I think it's just a matter of where the viewer is coming from. I know what swinging is to us from first-hand experience, and I know what Poly is, not through having directly experienced it, but understanding it enough to know that all the things we do aren't poly. But, from someone coming from a different viewpoint, then there probably isn't much separation between the two. If they separate them at all, they see a hair's breadth, while we see the Grand Canyon.

There may be a line there where one starts encroaching on boundaries, but I think what most people are saying is that boundary is a fluid one and is particularly generous post sex.

Heing&Sheing · July 29, 2015

I like the touchy-feely stuff, flirting, touching, sitting close, leaning into & on one another, kissing, etc. Before & after the sex. My hubby likes it too & we like to see each other engaging in these things with our swing partners. Hubby especially likes to see me kissing, flirting & touching another man (or woman). When I visit my male FWB alone we often talk more than we have sex. I'm not in love with him, but he is our friend, and we have laid in bed for hours naked, talking after sex. It just felt natural, after all he was just inside me, why rush to throw my clothes back on, that would make things awkward. Hubby loves for me to tell him all the details when i get home. Same when hubby & FWB are both playing with me, afterwards we all hang out & continue talking. I will touch them both, cuddle or lay against either or both of them. Sometimes that gets round 2, or 3, or 4 started up. Lol.

If I didn't feel comfortable enough to intimately touch someone, hang out with them, or flirt then no way would I want to have sex with them.

-She

Bob250 · July 29, 2015

My feeling is that expressions of post coital CASUAL affection should be very much the same as expressions of affections to and for Vanilla friends. It seems to me that any expressions of ROMANTIC affection, prolonged hand holding, head on shoulder, post coital kisses and fondling, etc, are loaded with possible misinterpretations.

Granted, my experience is limited, but the only couple I have played with who did not want a "return engagement", was one in which the wife and I cuddled and nuzzled after sex, for a prolonged time. Her hubby got very angry.

So....I don't do ANYTHING that can be construed as romantic. A pat on the back...yes, nuzzling her neck .....no.

I usually try to keep it very light and casual. I have a ton of corny jokes, I will tell. Talk about anything that is non romantic and non threatening. If at a resort, I will order drinks or food, or suggest some other nonsexual activity. Just my opinion....of course.

Bob250 · July 29, 2015

Sorry, but I feel that there is a vast difference between being comfortable with someone, and doing romantic things with them. But to each , his/her own.

Bob250 · July 29, 2015

This thread is itself an example of how such actions can be misinterpreted. What is Romantic to one person is only casual affection to another. Like the old saying, "one man's tuna is another man's cat food". I don't think there is any right or wrong, but this is just another area where good communication between swingers can avoid a lot of problems.

kikonkrome · July 29, 2015

I am not disagreeing with you Bob250...maybe that's why we are not getting a lot of repeat couples.

One of the main reasons we got into the swing thing was the idea of the super cuddle. In other words, cuddling naked with more than just each other for a prolonged period of time. Has this happened, yeah once or twice. Was it great? YEAH, I and my wife are totally into it. Do I think it's romantic, no but you are right I probably should.

Certainly one of the things these experiences give you is a super enhanced appreciation for your SO. I feel our romantic, we are making a family love, certainly transcends the sex or physical contact. So if the cuddling feels good for both of us, just like the sex does, why not?

I do however really appreciate the contrarian view point. That our situation is not the same as everyone elses.

I would love to hear more opinions on the matter.

kikonkrome · July 29, 2015

oooh sorry to beat a dead horse but I just read this.

"A number of hormones are release during orgasm...oxytocin being most prominent. Oxytocin release has been associated with emotional bonding" Why Women have Sex, Cindy Meston, and David Buss pg.40.

This was referring to both men and women by the way.

Ebonylehigh · July 29, 2015

I am a very flirty person, always have been, I am the lady that will laugh at your joke and put my hand on your arm. I am going to bat my eyes at you and lean in close as your talking to me. I am very affectionate and my husband has become so from being with me so long because he is showered with this type of flirting every day. My flirting with my play partners or potential play partners is a warm up to sex only. There is no emotion of love, which I always thought was necessary for poly. I have no desire to build a life with my play partner or totally delve into their life and interests.

Swinging to me has been the physical enjoyment of another person. I am able to fully give my self physically because that is all I am offering. My heart and love already belongs to my husband and is therefore not mine to give to anyone else and vice versa re: my husband.

btw: we have a very high repeat rate and per one of my threads only had to chase a few couples for that repeat.

One more thing: As stated before and as picked up by the OP, you can pretty easily tell when someone is not into affection with their non SO, so most likely we wouldn't even play with that couple. To us the whole sexual experience includes all that fun stuff so without it would not be as satisfying.

Bob250 · July 29, 2015

There again, my swinging has only been as a single guy, so my opinions are limited to those things I have observed in other couples, and my own memories of married life and post coital activities.

Romantic affection is not about buying matching pajamas, or picking out furniture together, it is about the way you express love. When I was married, I know that there are certain actions and expressions of affection , that, if my wife had done them to another guy, would have lead to somebody getting hurt. I've always wanted to swing, but that doesn't include either me or my partner sharing the emotional affection that is what makes our relationship special. After all, if everything is special....then nothing is.

Bob250 · July 29, 2015

Another example is playing with a couple, and going into their bedroom. The wife and I were getting down to business with the husband watching and occasionally giving her a kiss. I looked on the wall and there was a series of family pictures, with them and their kids, etc. It was a huge turnoff. Then , afterwards she sat on my lap, and kissed my neck, and asked about my scars, etc. This, to me, is too much like romance.

PleasingHer · July 29, 2015

Seems like a minefield to me. Some couples are into post coitus snuggling, some are not. As Bob pointed out, probably best to find out the other couples preference up front.

I have no problem with cuddling. Seems natural to me. Your only borrowing that partner for a while, cuddling isn't a prelude to an engagement ring. It's a way of cementing the fun you have just had. To read more into it is a reflection of your own insecurity. If your certain of your SO's love and commitment to your relationship then a little cuddling isn't an issue.

However, if you feel different then tell the other couple for God's sake. No sense spoiling the potential of a repeat over such issues

Ebonylehigh · July 29, 2015

Hi all - the hubby half here! I'm usually more the reader than the poster on here but felt compelled to throw in my two cents since this is something Mrs ebonylehigh and I have discussed often. In my opinion the cuddling and affection is an important part of the shared intimacy, and for me it makes the sex even better. In a threesome however I can totally see where that cuddling and extra affection would lead to negative feelings for the "unmatched" partner because they are essentially a third wheel. I can totally relate because even in couple situations there are times where the woman I'm with isn't affectionate or flirty and it stands out because mrs E is very affectionate to the other partner. For us it's the total intimate physical experience, of which the kissing/affection/cuddling are all a part of and because we both know that our love is fully invested in each other we feel comfortable not limiting affection in that physical setting. Because of that when we do see a couple that's hesitant about that it usually means we won't play with them or not have a repeat play.

sunbuckus · July 29, 2015

Hi all - the hubby half here!

*waves hi* Hi, Mr. Ebonylehigh! I love seeing both halves of a couple post or when one half drops by. I also agree, it can be awkward when one half of a swap is more affectionate than the other half.

Bob250 · July 29, 2015

I appreciate the pov of those posters who are into post coital cuddling. Hell, I like to cuddle as much as the next person. The question/issue I have is, considering that we are, each one of us, individuals, who knows when/if the boundary between casual affection and romance will be overstepped, or perceived to be, by one or more of the players? Isn't it better to adopt a casual, yet clearly defined post coital "code of conduct' than to leave it to the possible misinterpretation of 3 or 4 different people , with different opinions and agendas?

Bob250 · July 29, 2015

My own personal "code of post fucking conduct" is to show respect and gratitude to my play partners, keep all physical contact non sexual, as much as possible, and make light, but very general smalltalk. Drinks, food, humor and music are all good ways to "wind-down" after playtime is over.

Bob250 · July 29, 2015

I just thought of another example. I played with a couple from Chicago , once, and after the sex was over, the wife told me that "she liked me a lot". I was extremely uncomfortable, even though neither she nor her husband seemed to be, so I never played with them again, even though they invited me to.

benawyl · July 29, 2015

Seems like a minefield to me. Some couples are into post coitus snuggling, some are not. As Bob pointed out, probably best to find out the other couples preference up front.

I have no problem with cuddling. Seems natural to me. Your only borrowing that partner for a while, cuddling isn't a prelude to an engagement ring. It's a way of cementing the fun you have just had. To read more into it is a reflection of your own insecurity. If your certain of your SO's love and commitment to your relationship then a little cuddling isn't an issue.

However, if you feel different then tell the other couple for God's sake. No sense spoiling the potential of a repeat over such issues

What you seem to describe to me is a cool down after sex still in bed. Ten minutes I guess. That's normal. But once you get out of bed the borrowing of the partner has ended.

Still touching and nuzzling at that point is encroaching on my time.

Does that make any sense?

PleasingHer · July 29, 2015

What you seem to describe to me is a cool down after sex still in bed. Ten minutes I guess. That's normal. But once you get out of bed the borrowing of the partner has ended.

Still touching and nuzzling at that point is encroaching on my time.

Does that make any sense?

Yes I mean after sex. If the other guy was still cuddling an hour after play I would ask for my wife back. Being flirty and touchy before sex I would consider foreplay. So that's ok too.

njbm · July 29, 2015

This is a great topic. We have mixed feelings on this. We feel that if we are walking around town with another couple, we don't want to grope or be groped by the other spouse. Pre-play groping at or near the play site is fine, as is post sex after glow cuddling. But like most of our rules, they are subject to change and evolution. I think many people get a sexual charge out of seeing their spouse groped.

Mochacino · July 29, 2015

I am one of those few that don't WANT to be cuddled after sex. Well not by play partners usually. I don't mind hanging out in bed naked and chatting as others finish up but it squicks me out when a guy is trying to nuzzle me. It's one of those odd things where sex is fine but cuddling is far too intimate! LOL But honestly the sex I am having with a play partner is about fun for me not building an intense emotional connection. I feel like extending the event into cuddling and spooning and sleeping together is farther than I want to go with casual fuck buddies. Now don't get me wrong I don't jump out of bed the minute it's over but I do appreciate an easing back to neutral contact after...

Mochacino · July 29, 2015

What you seem to describe to me is a cool down after sex still in bed. Ten minutes I guess. That's normal. But once you get out of bed the borrowing of the partner has ended.

Still touching and nuzzling at that point is encroaching on my time.

Does that make any sense?

Love this! Ten to twenty minutes tops. Then I am getting up and going to shower and find a snack.

kikonkrome · July 29, 2015

Yes I mean after sex. If the other guy was still cuddling an hour after play I would ask for my wife back. Being flirty and touchy before sex I would consider foreplay. So that's ok too.

'err...hey there...can I have my wife back?' ...if you don't see the comedy there in the literal sense something is wrong with you.

Although you are right as I never really thought through cuddling for an infinite period of time?

PleasingHer · July 29, 2015

'err...hey there...can I have my wife back?' ...if you don't see the comedy there in the literal sense something is wrong with you.

Although you are right as I never really thought through cuddling for an infinite period of time?

The literal way is absolutely how I would do it. "Hey there buddy. I let you bang her, how much spooning do you need!?"

I don't know the time limit on post sex cuddling. Based off my wife, I'd say 20 minutes. Some other dude gets more spoon time than me I would ask questions. Life is too short to get bent out of shape. Communicate with the SO and move on. I for one, love a good cuddle. If there is issue with the amount of time, then let's address it and respect each other boundaries.

People are too often passive aggressive. Just be honest with the other couple.

lovenestduo · July 29, 2015

My own personal "code of post fucking conduct" is to show respect and gratitude to my play partners, keep all physical contact non sexual, as much as possible, and make light, but very general smalltalk. Drinks, food, humor and music are all good ways to "wind-down" after playtime is over.

And with that, my wife would be left feeling used. To just turn off, change the subject and talk about the weather? After that there would be no drinks, food or music as we'd think you had someplace you'd rather be. That type of "respect and gratitude" would be rewarded with never being invited back.

If someone saying something as innocent as they 'like you a lot' makes you extremely uncomfortable, maybe the lifestyle is not for you.

Mbgdallas · July 29, 2015

If I may I would like to give my 2 cents as sort of outsider who has not had a swap play opportunity yet.

Based upon everything I have read on this site and elsewhere I don't know that I see anything wrong with the cuddling as long as it is cool down etc. I also might imagine that there may be some brief moments of "feelings" involved with the intimacy of sex. The issue to me really really revolves around the partner who is "having" the feelings and doing the cuddling. If that is what they are feeling THEY should stop the play and not play again with that person/couple. They are the only person who can know what the feelings are and as is so important with this LS need to openly acknowledge to their SO that they got that feeling and how they are addressing it.

I would think that as intimate as the act of sex is then it is inevitable that at some point there very well could be feelings. Stepping up to the plate with honest open communication is the only way to deal with it. Denying it and hiding it by NOT cuddling etc. seems to me to be dishonest. If the relationship is as strong as both partners think it is then cutting any inevitable feelings off at the pass is the only way to get maximum enjoyment out of the play while maintaining the sanctity of the relationship.

My 2 cents fir what it is worth.

What about use of the "love" word. Where does, if it does, fit into the throws of passion. .she liked me a lot" could have sooooooo many meanings. I hope that I like all of the partners I have the chance to play with and hope that I like them a lot. I don't think I could play with someone a second time that I didn't like and the first time is somewhat of an unknown. The ultimate question is the "like" equated to "love" which should only be reserved for the SO unless you are into a polyamory relationship.

Hmmmmmmmmmm.

oc1234 · July 30, 2015

My wife and I have always enjoyed cuddling after having sex with each other and with playmates. It always makes the experience so much more enjoyable. Last week we had a threesome with a guy we have been playing with for about 18 months. What made it so special this time was he spent a lot more time cuddling and kissing my wife both during the sex and after we had finished. We all agreed that it was the best threesome we had had together. There was something magic about it.

Bob250 · July 30, 2015

My original example is what most fits the thread.

If the wife had said, " WOW, that was great" or "Hey Bob, you're a really nice guy" I would have been flattered and happy. But to have her sit her bare butt on my lap and start nuzzling my neck and whispering in my ear, made it almost seem as if WE were the couple and her hubby , the odd man. I don't blame him for being pissed. Inappropriate... to the max.

kikonkrome · July 30, 2015

What about use of the "love" word. Where does, if it does, fit into the throws of passion. .she liked me a lot" could have sooooooo many meanings. I hope that I like all of the partners I have the chance to play with and hope that I like them a lot. I don't think I could play with someone a second time that I didn't like and the first time is somewhat of an unknown. The ultimate question is the "like" equated to "love" which should only be reserved for the SO unless you are into a polyamory relationship.

I'm guessing any form of the love word would be an immediate weird buzz/boner killer:nono:

kikonkrome · July 30, 2015

I NEVER , EVER, ask any questions about my partners vanilla life, and do not volunteer any info of my own. Sexual intimacy....good, emotional intimacy.....very bad.

Huh...I never thought it was such a big deal. One of the issues I have is how standoffish, arrogant a lot of the guys are and I wonder if it's because of this philosophy. I am not trying to insult you or anything, but it's really hard to have a conversation with people when they don't want to reveal anything of themselves, even in the 'vanilla' world. I will readily admit, when I ask questions and start getting 'cute and cagey' responses, it's a turn-off.

My other 'favorite' is just a head nod or something similar, like what are we suppose to do with that?

SW_PA_Couple · July 30, 2015

I have no problem about a woman climbing into my lap, looking into my eyes, whispering into my ears. It has happened, in fact. And my wife is not bothered by an expression of affection of this kind. But if anybody mouthed the "L" word, my legs would be moving like a cartoon character who just realized that there was a lion chasing him.

benawyl · July 31, 2015

Am I crazy that I want a clear break?

This is my idea of a perfect swap. Keep in mind our only experience together has been at a hotel takeover and a club. No dates have progressed beyond a drink.

Ok either we meet a couple or maybe she meets a single guy but let's go with couple.

We sit on one side of the table they on the other and talk. If we want to play we go off to separate rooms. (There was no need to be touchy feely or in each others laps in the common area)

Go off have sex cool down period then get dressed and meet back at the common area. At this point my SO should be back with me and there's no need for any more touchy feely at this point.

I would have a problem if after we returned to the common area if the guy is still touching kissing foundling.

Or if he's sitting there gushing or trying to rub something in my face.

Do what you want in the bedroom but in the common area act vanilla.

JAPrufrock · July 31, 2015

Everyone here brings up such interesting points on both sides. I'm actually really curious now to see where I stand in terms of cuddling afterwards. I'm a very touch-oriented person. If I am comfortable around you and we aren't complete strangers, you are likely to get a hug/arm caress/passing back rub from me. Not prolonged touching, just in general a momentary connection. That being said, I do NOT like to be touched by people I don't know at all, unless I initiate. There was a kid in high school who thought it would be funny to poke my stomach repeatedly in gym class. I nearly punched him in the face. He got the point when I threw the basketball at his head.

I hadn't given this aspect much consideration until this post came along. I have a feeling I will lean more towards the "warm cuddling right after, but not for hours" side of the argument. Enough to feel like I wasn't just some conquest, but not so much that I feel like he wants to go pick out rings and send out save-the-date cards. My most favorite thing that Mr. Prufrock does to me after sex is to gently tickle my back/sides/arms. That featherlight touch sends shivers down my spine and makes me feel all gooey, especially after an orgasm.

As far as fondling, or caressing afterwards in public places are concerned, I'm not sure why it would bug people so much. I mean, if he's groping and sticking his tongue down her throat I guess that's one thing, but an arm caress, or a hand at the small of her back doesn't seem like a big deal. He did way more to her moments before. Why would an ass grab be an issue now? I'm asking because I'm honestly curious.

Bob250 · July 31, 2015

I guess what is or is not private info , is up to the individual, but quite frankly, I am fully capable of engaging in conversation without revealing my personal info. I suspect others are as well.

Bob250 · July 31, 2015

I think it is a matter of context, and the individual's reasons for engaging in the LS. The things I did to a wife, in the bedroom, should, IMHO stay in the bedroom. Plus, I was not swinging for companionship, I was swinging for sex.

Now, having said that, I believe very strongly in politeness and gratitude, and also in convivial behavior. I want everybody to enjoy the experience, so I try very hard to avoid any actions that could possibly create bad feelings.

kikonkrome · July 31, 2015

Am I crazy that I want a clear break?

This is my idea of a perfect swap. Keep in mind our only experience together has been at a hotel takeover and a club. No dates have progressed beyond a drink.

Ok either we meet a couple or maybe she meets a single guy but let's go with couple.

We sit on one side of the table they on the other and talk. If we want to play we go off to separate rooms. (There was no need to be touchy feely or in each others laps in the common area)

Go off have sex cool down period then get dressed and meet back at the common area. At this point my SO should be back with me and there's no need for any more touchy feely at this point.

I would have a problem if after we returned to the common area if the guy is still touching kissing foundling.

Or if he's sitting there gushing or trying to rub something in my face.

Do what you want in the bedroom but in the common area act vanilla.

No I don't think you are crazy at all. That's why I asked the question, where do people stand? In practice some couples have reacted very much as you describe, once we leave the bedroom, it's over. I can definitely think of more than one that has a lot more lifestyle experience than us that does this.

Others are still sitting on my lap, cuddling up close to me, rubbing my wife, etc. We have been more going with the flow. Feeding off of what the other couple does.

Fundamental Law · August 1, 2015

There's a difference between a sincere 'thank you' and a deeper bond. When we have great service and a great meal in a restaurant, we make real eye contact with the server, express genuine thanks and leave a substantial tip, each an expression of how much we enjoyed the experience. None of that implies we want to buy the restaurant, hire the chef or employ the staff. Nor is it a repudiation of home cooking. Quite the opposite, we'll relive the restaurant experience over coffee the next morning.

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