Expressing affection for your non-SO partners?

[benawyl 35]

There's a difference between a sincere 'thank you' and a deeper bond. When we have great service and a great meal in a restaurant, we make real eye contact with the server, express genuine thanks and leave a substantial tip, each an expression of how much we enjoyed the experience. None of that implies we want to buy the restaurant, hire the chef or employ the staff. Nor is it a repudiation of home cooking. Quite the opposite, we'll relive the restaurant experience over coffee the next morning.

 

There's a huge difference between going out to eat and going out to fuck other people.

 

If I'm going to go with your analogy then once you take your last bite and pay the bill you don't see the waiter walking you to your car, telling you what wonderful customers you are, opening the door for you.

 

You pay the bill it ends the transaction.

You put your clothes on it ends the transaction. It's over and done. The timecard has been punched and you are off the clock.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

We've got it, ok? No matter how many times and different ways someone has offered their perspective on something you are struggling with, you shoot it down as not possible for you. That's fine, everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and style. But at some point, you are going to have to realize this magic bullet you seem to be searching for just doesn't exist for you. You aren't comfortable in this lifestyle, never will be comfortable, and that is perfectly ok. Just accept that and move on. She'll either move on with you, or she won't. Time to man up and find out.

[benawyl 35]

We've got it, ok? No matter how many times and different ways someone has offered their perspective on something you are struggling with, you shoot it down as not possible for you. That's fine, everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and style. But at some point, you are going to have to realize this magic bullet you seem to be searching for just doesn't exist for you. You aren't comfortable in this lifestyle, never will be comfortable, and that is perfectly ok. Just accept that and move on. She'll either move on with you, or she won't. Time to man up and find out.

 

Actually we were just talking about things and we are more on the same page. She said, "hey five minutes after we are done I'm gone. I don't need to know their names. I don't want their numbers. I'm not interested in their lives. I don't want to be getting cutesy texts.

 

This is about go get wild live some fantasies here and there then come home. It would be super rare to have a repeat."

 

I always have to keep track of all the people cause she doesn't.

 

It's nice to know we are on the same page there.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

 

You pay the bill it ends the transaction.

You put your clothes on it ends the transaction. It's over and done. The timecard has been punched and you are off the clock.

Seem to work that way frequently for me.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Actually we were just talking about things and we are more on the same page.

 

That's progress then, and I'm happy for you, and I mean that. I hope you can take that conversation and start building on it to where you can both find your happy place. Starting from so far apart is going to make that tougher, but doesn't mean it can't be done. It sounds like there is now at least a sliver of common ground, and that's something you can work with.

[benawyl 35]

That's progress then, and I'm happy for you, and I mean that. I hope you can take that conversation and start building on it to where you can both find your happy place. Starting from so far apart is going to make that tougher, but doesn't mean it can't be done. It sounds like there is now at least a sliver of common ground, and that's something you can work with.

 

I'm making progress on the whole thing. I pointed out a guy that would make Superman insecure who was in town for a night with his equally hot wife. I really wasn't looking to play I wanted a few days to reconnect from her trip but it was a one time deal for her so I showed him to her. A gift really cause there is no way she would have known about them otherwise.

 

We weren't able to make their schedule but I thought it was progress for me to even bring it up to her.

[intuition897 2,179]

There's a huge difference between going out to eat and going out to fuck other people.

 

Not really.

[Bob250 74]

Wait just a second. Aren't you doing the same thing to Benawyl? "Shooting him down" and questioning his presence in the LS, simply because he doesn't fit your pistol? Practice what you preach and allow him to decide his own form of swinging. I think it's a big enough group to be accepting of more than one interpretation. Don't you?

[Bob250 74]

Swinging, to my mind isn't a business transaction. I believe in limited expressions of affection, but , by no means, do I feel that this subject is so "cut and dried" as to admit no exceptions or modifications. Multiple partner sex means just that, "multiple". You are dealing with , not only your own agenda, but the agendas of at least two other people, who might have very different ideas. This is why pre-event communication is so critically important. Nobody wants anybody to be uncomfortable, or insulted.

[kikonkrome 844]

"SW_PA_Couple

 

Re: Expressing affection for your non-SO partners?

Quote Originally Posted by benawyl View Post

 

You pay the bill it ends the transaction.

You put your clothes on it ends the transaction. It's over and done. The timecard has been punched and you are off the clock.

 

Seem to work that way frequently for me."

So this is not happening for us. We have had a few partners who's clothes go on and out the door into the night they go. Some them were definitely comical how quickly that happened.

 

There are more of the other kind of play partners, however. They want to hang out and get chatty. Stay flirty and kind 'supa affectionate'. Are we in a minority on this. Most of the time it's great. Maybe the difference is we are couple that only plays together, I don't know. More than one occasion after sex, she has invited me on the couch clothed to cuddle, etc. This was definitely fully clothed.

 

Do other people experience this?

[Ebonylehigh 254]

We definitely do, it is with couples who we meet in one on one situations at either a hotel or one of our homes. It does not happen in a club or group play. We mostly do one on one situations with couples and that's probably why it happens more? Plus since I am very affectionate once I start being cuddly everyone else seems to follow suit. When a couple isn't into this they usually run back to each other though they all stayed to chat after.

[intuition897 2,179]

It's funny, we don't mind being all cuddly and affectionate with play partners, before, during and after, but we start to feel uncomfortable if we sense they're becoming attached at all. For example, long-held "meaningful" eye contact weirds me out a little. It's like, "...What? Why are you looking at me like that? Did I get some on my face?"

 

Up there on our list of deal breakers are uttered phrases that are more appropriately shared with one's own partner. If anyone tells either of us that we're the "______est _______er in the world", we can infer from that this person has also taken their own partner into account in their summation. And that ain't right. Nobody ________'s my _________ better than Mr. intuition. And if by chance they do, I'm not about to confide it in them. There's nothing wrong with somebody else being better at something than one another, but it just somehow seems inappropriate to gush about it to that person.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

There's nothing wrong with somebody else being better at something than one another, but it just somehow seems inappropriate to gush about it to that person.

It is indeed bad form to make comparisons. I know a guy who said to a woman that she had the biggest clit he had ever seen then was surprised when she "went all weird" on him (his words). I'm confident that nobody wants to hear that they are some kind of freak of nature.

[kikonkrome 844]

It's funny, we don't mind being all cuddly and affectionate with play partners, before, during and after, but we start to feel uncomfortable if we sense they're becoming attached at all. For example, long-held "meaningful" eye contact weirds me out a little. It's like, "...What? Why are you looking at me like that? Did I get some on my face?"

 

I definitely get that, and am not really sure what it is?? I always guess it's kinds a 'connection' but it can definitely weird me out.

 

It is indeed bad form to make comparisons. I know a guy who said to a woman that she had the biggest clit he had ever seen then was surprised when she "went all weird" on him (his words). I'm confident that nobody wants to hear that they are some kind of freak of nature.

 

I am definitely a large clit lover...mmm...but I do agree the best of everything is saved for my SO, and luckily she saves the same for me. Doesn't crush my fragile ego , that happens enough at work.

 

I have had some funny reactions though to positive comments, which leave me a bit confused. Something like 'Your tummy is sexy' or 'Your ass is great' which frankly were both true were greeted by a kinda perplexed look? Like you wouldn't make a positive comment, or do you think they were just taken off guard, or I am just over analyzing?

 

On the list of positive things figured out this multi - quote thing!!

[cplnuswing 4,713]

When a couple isn't into this they usually run back to each other though they all stayed to chat after.

 

I'm curious about this. When you said "isn't into this" did you mean the cuddling specifically, or more swinging in general? I can definitely see there being a relationship between overall swinging comfort level vs expressing affection. Before I get swarmed , I'm not implying that all of those who have expressed reservations here about expressing affection aren't automatically comfortable in their swinging skins, but I do wonder if there's broad correlation there. People are usually the most comfortable when they have found and are confident in their boundaries, and that comes with experience, so I can see how affection would really throw someone who hasn't reached that stage yet into a strange and uncomfortable place. Basically, if you already know it's not for you, then it doesn't throw you for a loop. If you already know it is for you, it doesn't throw you for a loop. But, if you are still figuring out exactly what is for you, then trying to sort out and process that situation when you find yourself in it would be a tough one.

[Ebonylehigh 254]

Hmmm. I was talking about the cuddling but now you have me thinking that it may be odd for those who aren't entirely sure where they stand.

 

Actually for me comparing never included my Hubby, it is a great disservice done to any of my play partners to get compared to the love of my life. They can't even be in the same ballpark. He has years of pleasing me, shared experiences etc.

 

Have I told a partner he was my favorite play partner, sure, and at that time he was my favorite play partner, that's it. Our relationship with that couple ended and he hasn't been a thought until this post lol. Also I have no problem complimenting people and making them feel good. I am truly a pleaser.

 

So now I have to add the verbal deal breaker is any put downs to a spouse, we are going to immediately cut and run from that situation. Example: woman goes "hey hon remember that orgasm I have been trying to get for weeks, yeah just got it". While she was on top of my hubby. Needless to say that was a done deal.

[Bob250 74]

Hmmm. I was talking about the cuddling but now you have me thinking that it may be odd for those who aren't entirely sure where they stand.

 

Actually for me comparing never included my Hubby, it is a great disservice done to any of my play partners to get compared to the love of my life. They can't even be in the same ballpark. He has years of pleasing me, shared experiences etc.

 

Have I told a partner he was my favorite play partner, sure, and at that time he was my favorite play partner, that's it. Our relationship with that couple ended and he hasn't been a thought until this post lol. Also I have no problem complimenting people and making them feel good. I am truly a pleaser.

 

So now I have to add the verbal deal breaker is any put downs to a spouse, we are going to immediately cut and run from that situation. Example: woman goes "hey hon remember that orgasm I have been trying to get for weeks, yeah just got it". While she was on top of my hubby. Needless to say that was a done deal.

This is what I was talking about. The wife was all over me for at least 20 minutes after we had finished. Kissing and cuddling with me, but not so with her husband. The experience was one of the main reasons why I don't like post-coital displays.

 

But I'm willing to concede that perhaps it is because I am single. Perhaps couples are sufficiently aware of their boundaries, that they don't mind shows of affection. Also bearing in mind that even then, they should be aware that what they are comfortable with, isn't necessarily what EVERYONE is.

 

I have been cuddled, fondled and whispered superlatives to, and I find it uncomfortable. Sooo......perhaps, instead of questioning people's commitment to the LS, perhaps people should communicate beforehand what their likes and dislikes are, with regards to affectionate displays. Wipe your own nose, before you tell me, mine is dirty.

[intuition897 2,179]

Actually for me comparing never included my Hubby, it is a great disservice done to any of my play partners to get compared to the love of my life. They can't even be in the same ballpark. He has years of pleasing me, shared experiences etc.

 

Have I told a partner he was my favorite play partner, sure, and at that time he was my favorite play partner, that's it. Our relationship with that couple ended and he hasn't been a thought until this post lol. Also I have no problem complimenting people and making them feel good. I am truly a pleaser.

True enough. It's like comparing apples to oranges, isn't it? And you're right, there's nothing wrong with complimenting your partners; it's just in poor taste to make the compliment in such a way that it appears to disparage your own mate. We just tend to be conservative in how we dole out the compliments, that's all.

 

So now I have to add the verbal deal breaker is any put downs to a spouse, we are going to immediately cut and run from that situation. Example: woman goes "hey hon remember that orgasm I have been trying to get for weeks, yeah just got it". While she was on top of my hubby. Needless to say that was a done deal.

Yup, wow, totally a deal breaker! LOL Unless somebody's into it with a serious cuckolding fetish (which is NOT our thing), that's a perfect example of how to be totally insensitive and uncouth.

[Ebonylehigh 254]

Yes and the guy looks at me and goes well I try. Ouch I felt so bad for him!

[Bob250 74]

Thanks for the tip... I think both my hubby and I are a little worried about doing anything that would upset each other especially our first time. We are communicating a lot on this and hopefully when we are at this point we will know what the other is comfortable with. I keep saying it will really be important to be with a couple who is understanding and will help. We are trying to be sure that certain things are just for each other while the sex well...

Congratulations for showing a very mature attitude. It's always best to set your personal boundaries, before you are put into a situation that you (or one of the other people) are uncomfortable with. Bearing in mind, of course, that as you gain experience, your boundaries and attitudes might change. Best of luck...and have fun!!

[MarniJohn 172]

It's so interesting to see all these different perspectives! I, personally, do not like to see my SO being affectionate with other women. Playing is no problem but playing with her hair or caressing her is something I am really not comfortable with. Men frequently want to be that way with me but I try to avoid that. It's a very personal thing. Someone mentioned that this need for naked cuddling and affection borders on poly. I have to agree that there is a similarity.

[Guest sandraandalex]

I can draw the line between sex and love. In the proper social situation, I also separate playfulness from love too. The thing for me, is if the man is simply being playful and is not some part of territorial behavior trying to see if he can do 'something'. I hope I've explained myself. The normal social barriers can be lowered if they come from a positive and healthy place. I do like it if it can be more than just getting an amazing fuck (not that there's anything wrong with that).

[Sophy 569]

We understand that every couple and every person has different rules and levels of tolerance. We are mostly a same-room couple but We have had a very passionate sex during separate rooms, the fact that you can focus on only one person is a plus, in my case I love kissing passionately during sex and my husband is totally OK with it, however I can't say the same about the other lady, so during separate rooms I feel free to kiss a lot more.

 

Same after sex, in a separate rooms situation I feel free to be a little bit more... warm and kind to my play-partner, during breaks I have found myself between my play-partner's arms having a chat face to face a very close distance, something I probably wouldn't do in front of his wife.

 

My husband and I we both are comfortable about it, for us is part of the joy.

With our most closest friends we even shower together and have massages, but these are people we know for years.