Couple defines themselves as Poly, I'm 100% sure We're Not. How to Proceed?

[JAPrufrock 588]

So, Mr. Prufrock and I have been talking to a couple that we really hit it off with (at least over the internet.) We're currently working on meeting up for no-pressure drinks, but babysitters and life are getting in the way.

 

Anyways, upon asking about experience etc... Mrs.PolyCouple said that she's always been poly. I had heard of polyamory, but didn't really know exactly what it meant. Enter further research and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we are not polyamorous.

 

I have been easing myself into the idea of Mr. Prufrock with another woman physically. I don't have the same reaction I used to when thinking about it. To be honest, it's starting to really be a turn on, thinking of Mr. Prufrock using the skills we've honed together to (hopefully) please someone else. In fact the idea of another woman giving him head is downright hot.

 

However, when I thought of him loving someone else I got sick to my stomach. I am the type of person to believe I have one soulmate, and Mr. Prufrock is it (and I'm his.) I can see how some people would be ok with loving someone else, but we've talked about it extensively, and we're definitely not. We're ok with us sharing each other physically, we're not ok with us sharing each other spiritually/emotionally. I get that sex does come with some emotions tied to it, but we both agreed that if either of us started to have feelings for a playmate, or even felt that the other one had feelings for a playmate that we'd call the whole thing off, no questions, no reservations, no exceptions.

 

So, I'm not really sure how to proceed with Mr.and Mrs. PolyCouple. I know we have to be upfront about these things, but how do I say tactfully that we are only looking for a physical connection with friendship? They didn't really expand upon what poly means to them, she only said that she always had been, and was when they got married. I don't want to waste their time, or worse, get into a situation where one half feels more then the other half does (which obviously is counting your chickens before they hatch, but it IS a possibility.)

[sunbuckus 3,569]

As usual, communication is key. Polyamory gets thrown around a lot and I know it means different things to different people. Ask them what it means to them. Then, if it just sounds like swinging (which does happen--people using polyamory when they just mean swinging) then just confirm that you and Mr. JAPRu are looking for fun, casual sex with no emotional ties. And if they do respond that they are looking for emotional connections in terms of love, then be frank with them that you two aren't looking for that.

 

Some polyamory couples are able to both swing and engage in poly while keeping the two separate. Some are not. I'd say clear up any confusion there might be and go from there. If playing with a poly-interested couple makes you uncomfortable (if that is what they really meant) then just let them know that, unfortunately, both couples are not compatible.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

This is something you for sure want to clear up. Even if they are true poly, just meeting for drinks isn't going to mean anything of course just like meeting for drinks with a swinger couple doesn't commit you to anything, but should the stars align and things progress beyond that, and both sides aren't clear on what means what, then you could start running into some issues with unequal expectations.

 

I'm certainly not trying to put words in their mouths, so don't put a lot of faith in my take on it without asking them to find out for sure, but I'm guessing if you found them one one of the regular swinger sites, then they are likely using the term in a different way that we are thinking of it here where it involves romantic love, commitment, etc. They way they are using it, I'm guessing it means non-monogamous. Swingers are non-monogamous, and poly is non-monogamous, but after that they start to get very different. As sunbuckus said, there are some couples that are both, but it's not common.

 

Actually, over drinks would be an excellent time to discuss this. Even if they are truly poly and you have to tell them you aren't interested in that, you still will likely have learned a lot from them about both poly and swinging and maybe made some new platonic friends too. Also, your profile doesn't make any mention at all about poly, so the fact that they are interested in meeting you tells me poly isn't really on their mind with you guys anyways, even if they are truly poly to start with.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

We too have learned that if we ask ten people, "define polyamory," we get eleven different answers. We have, in fact, recently been contacted via a swingers' Web site by a young couple. They both gushed about polyamory. We eventually decided that what they really were trying to say is that he wanted to have private meetings with my wife and she wanted to have private meetings with me.

 

I believe I carry a pretty accurate understand of what polyamory is based upon years of reading and processing the information at this Web site. I am fairly convinced that it is not something that you go around trying to find but simply a situation into which you might one day find yourselves.

[angelkin 1,326]

I don't think the idea of new friends being poly would make me not want to meet them. I'd be interested in hearing their views and even just having an open conversation about it over drinks. I'm not poly, but I am always a student of life...new ideas make me want to learn.

 

@ SW, I have a close friend who has never been in a poly relationship, but does keep her eyes open for opportunity. I think there's a range of how poly relationships are formed.

 

Let us know how it goes!

[herpob 573]

We too have learned that if we ask ten people, "define polyamory," we get eleven different answers. We have, in fact, recently been contacted via a swingers' Web site by a young couple. They both gushed about polyamory. We eventually decided that what they really were trying to say is that he wanted to have private meetings with my wife and she wanted to have private meetings with me.

 

I believe I carry a pretty accurate understand of what polyamory is based upon years of reading and processing the information at this Web site. I am fairly convinced that it is not something that you go around trying to find but simply a situation into which you might one day find yourselves.

 

I agree 100%. I have been building relationships for a while now with people of varying degrees of sexual and relational interests. A vast majority of the couples I have gotten to know want friendship above all, other couples to: hang out with, go boating, hiking, work out, movies, dinner, shop with, hunt/fish, play sports, games, chat/talk, go on trips with, etc. Sharing sex is only a small part of it (much to my surprise). I can see over time building an uber strong bond with such a couple even more so the more often we have sex and in which manner. I discovered in college, for me, that certain sex acts create a much greater intimate level for me than others. For example, kissing is by far the most intimate thing on the planet to me. I have no problem having sex with women and have done most everything one can with other females in college but I never kissed one purposely. It has happened many times but always in the heat of the moment. Each time I felt the connection even when it was a semen swap, I felt the connection. To this day, I have a bond with those girls. So as long as I stay away from that, the emotional side of things doesn’t form. Cuddling is out as well!

 

I definitely prefer being exclusive with a few select couples but never wish to go it alone with m/f - f/m – f/f – m/m alone or in separate rooms. I am all about sharing the experience with my husband, watching, commenting, requesting, and assisting. Again, I have no problem if my husband would like to see me and the other wife or wives get it on but I would only do things with him present and as far as what, that is totally up to the other lady with the exception of cuddling and kissing. I would be open to semen sharing for the men to watch but would certainly prefer to do that more so with my husband. There is no way I would kiss another man and no way would I want my husband to.

 

So I do not know how that all plays into poly but I would definitely say exclusive would be the way to go with outside interests as well. I have wondered though, what if you are out and about and get all turned on. I wonder if phone calls would be in quick order asking for input from spouse? lol

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

. . . I wonder if phone calls would be in quick order asking for input from spouse? lol

The question with this particular couple has been answered. Their concept of polyamory was nowhere close to ours. Which is OK in this case owing to the fact that my wife and I have no interest in a polyamorous relationship. So we are going to let them call it whatever they want to call it as they are great fun and we are glad that we have met them.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

Her first time with another man in front of me was awesome! It was my fantasy come true. They ended up falling in love with each other. It could be described that she was in a poly relationship. It was as if she had two husbands.

 

Watching them kiss VERY passionately while they fucked made me feel very uncomfortable. I was prepared to share her body but not her soul as you described.

 

It worked out in the end. He wanted to posses her for himself. She chose our marriage(and our assets). It was HIS jealousy that ended the relationship.

 

Poly might mean different things to different people. It might mean that they just "love" fucking other people. It was by accident that we found the perfect person to play with even though in the end it ended badly. It was so awesome for my wife and I to have that one special playmate that we felt comfortable with.

 

It might be the same with them. They got connected with you and don't want to have to go through the same time consuming, hit and miss effort they made before they met you.

 

My advice is always to be honest and respectful. Tell them how you feel. If they are someone worth playing with again they should respect your feelings.