We had our first "date"

[kilkenny 19]

We are new swingers. Met another couple through SLS and planned a date for last week.

 

So I guess I need some help. When they walked in to the bar and saw us I felt a little bit like he wasn't impressed with me (I'm the guy). Throughout the evening the other guy barely looked or spoke to me. For me that's a big turnoff. You want my wife, then you'll have to impress both of us. Help me out, is it wrong to think/want this? He seemed super cocky.

 

Secondly, and I hope unrelated to this, we sat as couples across from each other. For me to talk to the other wife, I'd have to have a cross conversation. I wanted to ask the husband if we could swap spots so I could get to know his wife while sitting next to her. A little more intimate.

 

By the way, I had a little bit of the jitters attempting to flirt with another woman while my wife was sitting next to me. I have since figured that out after talking to her afterwards. I should have seen that coming. Our next date will be much better from my end I hope.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

. . . Help me out, is it wrong to think/want this? . . .

In a word, no.

 

Chalk this up to a learning experience.

[JandKinBoise 859]

I honestly can't see how 4 people can meet and everyone gets along. It obviously happens a lot but I suspect your experience is pretty common. We have met men before that had no idea how to act in this situation and really blew it, mostly from nerves probably. Now, before meeting, I try to speak with they guy and if he seems cool, I'll clue him in on how to turn on the wife.

 

You said you met on SLS but didn't expand on that. Did you have a chance to get to know each other at all before meeting face to face? Was he cool until you were in person? There is much talk about communication between partners in the LS but not much about communication with prospective lovers. Probably best to talk on the phone and e-mail a few times before going thru with meeting face to face. I have had some VERY uncomfortable experiences in bars with a guy we just contacted and met. Now I take my time.

 

I get the impression he wasn't into the situation. Guys that are into this usually bend over backwards to be ultra cool and make everyone feel comfortable.

[kilkenny 19]

We talked through email and text beforehand quite a bit about many different things. Tried conversations but it was hard to get a hold of each other. I thought he was fine beforehand but during the evening he only really listened to himself talk. When anyone else was talking he'd be looking off somewhere else. A couple of times he got up from the table and went and did something like examine the heat lamps.

 

What turned my wife off was him flirting with the waitress when his wife was in the bathroom. "If you get off at 10 does that make you a ten?" What the hell is that? LOL.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

We've found out that it takes three things to make a really good match. The girls needs to like and be comfortable with each other, the guys need to like and be comfortable with each other, and then there needs to be 4-way opposite sex attraction with the other couple. Listing them in that order wasn't random chance. Take one away, in that order, and the odds for the whole thing not working out at all go way up. "Like each other" doesn't mean that you have to be planning your next beers with the guys night at the same time you are planning the playdate, but just that you made some sort of connection and aren't totally neutral or even worse, turned off or put on guard, by the other one.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Guys that are into this usually bend over backwards to be ultra cool and make everyone feel comfortable.

 

So much this. Even those of us that are on the introverted side will engage and show genuine interest in the couple. This cat sounds like he either wasn't into it, was socially awkward, or both.

[benawyl 35]

Wow I'm learning so much from you all. I wouldn't have much interest in the other guy cause I'm not bi. I'd never think to make a connection with him. As long as he doesn't openly piss me off or feel dirty to me I won't be vetoing him.

 

On seating. No I'm not sitting next to your woman or you mine. A it looks weird to the other people in the bar and B who says it's going past one drink?

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

This is why we don't waste a bunch of time with emails and texting. 5 minutes into the first physical meeting will tell you more than 5 YEARS emailing and texting. This isn't a match and probably would just lead to drama...pass. There are lots of fish out there and finding a match (when you are looking for some chemistry) is HARD. Don't compromise, however, it CAN be done. Just move on to the next couple and keep looking.

[Ebonylehigh 254]

Exactly what GoldCoCouple said. We operate the same no long prior communication, let's get to meeting and see if we all click. We would not be against sitting next to the opposite spouse but that's after we see there's a spark. But then again we play on the first date

[M1F2KTJ 473]

So I guess I need some help. When they walked in to the bar and saw us I felt a little bit like he wasn't impressed with me (I'm the guy). Throughout the evening the other guy barely looked or spoke to me. For me that's a big turnoff. You want my wife, then you'll have to impress both of us. Help me out, is it wrong to think/want this? He seemed super cocky.

 

His "cockyness" might be a result of him being nervous. He wants to appear "strong" to you so that you'll accept him as a lover for your wife and especially your wife. Your wife is the one he is maybe going to be intimate with so he focuses on her.

 

I try to be friendly to both the husband and the wife. I like to get to know both of them and I want both of them to get to know me. I never treat the husband like a cuckold.

 

Secondly, and I hope unrelated to this, we sat as couples across from each other. For me to talk to the other wife, I'd have to have a cross conversation. I wanted to ask the husband if we could swap spots so I could get to know his wife while sitting next to her. A little more intimate.

 

You should have asked to swap spots. You are right. It would have been more intimate. If he is engaging your wife in a one on one conversation it would only be natural for you and his wife to be talking to each other. Two different conversations from across a table is distracting.

 

By the way, I had a little bit of the jitters attempting to flirt with another woman while my wife was sitting next to me. I have since figured that out after talking to her afterwards. I should have seen that coming. Our next date will be much better from my end I hope.

 

Experience is a great teacher. "The more you do it the better you get at it":)

 

Have fun!

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

We like to sit "swapped" as well. It does make it easier to talk between the two potential play matchups, as well as being great for four-way conversation. And if things do go well, the flirting is easier when you're sitting next to the person you're flirting with!

 

To address Benawyl's concerns about sitting "swapped"... You mention that it looks weird to the other people in the bar, and I don't disagree with that. We've had more than one odd look from wait staff when we get to the request to split the check! You can almost see the wheels turning, "... You mean you want me to put her meal with his??" We find that more amusing than disturbing- it's a little bit fun to watch! And we prefer to sit swapped even if we are not intent on playing after dinner, and even with new couples. We certainly leave the possibility fully open that we will not want to stay beyond one drink. But that seating arrangement seems to allow for easier conversations between the guy of one couple and the woman of the other couple (and vice versa), which seems to often happen naturally sometime during the evening. And it allows for the possibility of closing the personal space, if things are developing in that direction, without a table between you!

 

On the OP's other question... Kilkenny, I think that you are completely correct to want to be comfortable and to like the other guy. If either of you do not feel comfortable with either of the others, you should feel free to decide not to proceed. We feel protective of our partners, after all, and if something about that other guy is not sitting right with you, it make you wonder whether he is going to treat your partner well. Perhaps this guy is more of the "fuck first, friends later" type (which is not our style particularly), or maybe he is more of a "fuck first, who cares about later" person. In either case, it sounds like this couple is legitimately not a match for you two (which is not really subject to our "peanut-gallery" opinions, only yours!), and I think we would not like him, either.

[Alura 2,775]

It is part of the American culture for couples to sit (or even stand) with Mrs. A as far from Mr. B as possible, and vice-versa, which is not conducive to swinging. One wife will sit to the right, for instance, of her husband, especially at a square table, the other to her man's left. That puts Mrs. A across the table from Mr. B, making communication difficult at best. The men will end up talking to each other, as will the women.

 

If we saw a couple who interested us at an event, and they were standing with the wife to the right of her husband, I'd offer Laura my right arm. When we approached them, I was facing the woman and Laura the man. If our plan was to go, for instance, to the bar down the street, we needed only to turn ninety degrees toward the exit, and the couples were swapped. We'd continue our Mr. A / Mrs. B conversations and Laura would take the other guy's arm as we walked. His wife would usually follow suit.

 

In a restaurant, at a square table, Laura would engineer the seating so that the men were opposite each other with a wife to each side of them. In booths, we liked for Mr. A to sit facing Mrs. B, rather than side-by-side. Eye contact is much easier and conversation flows naturally.

 

Women can get away with many things that would seem threatening if men did it, so let your wife walk around the table, if necessary, to fix the seating.

 

Alura

[JessicaJamison 864]

On 7/31/2015 at 11:19 AM, kilkenny said:

When they walked in to the bar and saw us I felt a little bit like he wasn't impressed with me (I'm the guy).

I wouldn't read to much into this, he might be slightly uncomfortable too.  Maybe he had an experience where the other guy thought he was into him and wanted bi activities and it got awkward.  Or maybe he's a dick.  Just follow your gut. 

 

On 7/31/2015 at 11:19 AM, kilkenny said:

Throughout the evening the other guy barely looked or spoke to me. For me that's a big turnoff. You want my wife, then you'll have to impress both of us. Help me out, is it wrong to think/want this?

Nope you want what you want and thats valid.

 

On 7/31/2015 at 11:19 AM, kilkenny said:

 

Secondly, and I hope unrelated to this, we sat as couples across from each other. For me to talk to the other wife, I'd have to have a cross conversation.

So this is an easy fix, when my husband and I go out with a new couple we sit bedside each other but I sit across from the man and my husband sits across from the wife.  Then its not a cross conversation.  

 

 

On 7/31/2015 at 11:19 AM, kilkenny said:

 

By the way, I had a little bit of the jitters attempting to flirt with another woman while my wife was sitting next to me.

Just communicate cause without some seduction there won't be any sex.  

[njbm 2,901]

This happened five plus years ago. Not sure the advice will help the posting couple. But we can all look at it as a learning experience.  I don’t want a guy who is an AH to play with my wife unless she is ok with him. 

[lcmim 1,086]

The whole where we sit thing poses other questions.

I am thinking of interpreting other couples reactions/intentions.

 

 On a first meeting, if we leave the seating up to them, how does the arrangement lend itself to interpretation?

 

On a second meaning , if the arrangement changes what meanings can be inferred?

 

I realize this would all be speculative.

It might be an interesting tool to add to paying attention to body language , which most of us do, on some level, I think.

 

 

[njbm 2,901]

I think most people can figure out if there is a vibe within five minutes of meeting. 

[lcmim 1,086]

A vibe , yes, I agree.

 

Our style is more relational than some. So longer term things are in play.