Single guy not a fit. Do we tell him why?

[JAPrufrock 588]

Some of you may remember this post. Turns out, the guy's personality isn't as attractive. He is nice enough, but he has zero sense of humor, at least none that I can derive from our chats. Now this, in and of itself, was a point I was willing to compromise on. After all, it's not like I'm going to ask him to go through a comedy routine as I give him head.

 

The issue Mr. Prufrock and I are having is with his response to the question we posed: "what is your favorite experience you've had with a couple?"

 

I figured it would be something along the lines of "we went into a hot tub, got frisky with each other, and then did XXX to XXX." In a way his response fit that bill, except, he followed the description of his prowess with "funny thing was, her day job was as a youth pastor."

 

I failed to see how that was funny or relevant. I couldn't figure out why that comment bugged me so much.

 

Moving on, he then mentions his next hilarious experience, where a couple's kids came home early from sports practice and nearly walked in on their mom on top of a stranger, scarring them for life. Mr. Prufrock did not find the situation funny. At all. He found it odd that it was one of this guy's favorite stories. He was so not amused by this he's decided to scratch this guy off of the list (I'm in total agreement.)

 

I finally realized why the youth pastor comment bugged me. There's no way you could construe that as a positive comment. It's like he was ridiculing her; what a slut. From there I started to wonder what he would say about US if we ever played with him, and that was a total deal breaker.

 

I suppose we may be overreacting, but the whole exchange just reeked of immaturity and an almost better-then-thou attitude.

 

So, now we come down to the nitty-gritty. Mr. Prufrock and I have already decided we don't want to play with him, but we're not sure how to go about it. The conversation before this went tolerably well. The way I see it, we could do a few things, we could just stop responding, but that doesn't seem right. We could just say we're not a good fit, which is a little odd, since the conversation was going rather well, or we could flat out tell him what turned us off and why.

 

What do you all think?

[sunbuckus 3,569]

If you've already decide he isn't a good fit, just say that but don't give a reason why, even if he presses about it. Once you've told him and if he keeps messaging you for a reason, then ignore him.

 

I do want to say though that some people suck with messaging/chat/emailing and are much better in person. It's another one of those deals where it's always better to meet a person face-to-face to make a final decision than having a completely online idea of a person.

[JAPrufrock 588]

I do want to say though that some people suck with messaging/chat/emailing and are much better in person. It's another one of those deals where it's always better to meet a person face-to-face to make a final decision than having a completely online idea of a person.

 

We overreacted, didn't we? :P

[angelkin 1,326]

You didn't overreact. Always trust your gut. Explanations aren't necessary, they often lead to more drama anyways.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Nah, you didn't overreact. It's just a possibility that he is much better in person but usually if you have reservations before even meeting, you'll lean more towards a "no" if you meet in person anyways.

[Mbgdallas 203]

I would say so from my point of view. I suck at typing... Especially on an iPad or iPhone... And lose a lot of my emotions just trying to get the facts out. Sometime I come across short... Hard... And/or rude because I hate typing and try to do as little as I can.

 

I think I am a fun loving guy and can laugh at anything... Especially myself. I think the two stories he relayed were funny... One in an odd way and the other as just a way to relieve the oh my god I almost got caught. When my wife and I were first married we were gong at it in the living room when the door to our apartment blew open. The scramble to close the door without our neighbor seeing was a rush. All we could do was laugh about it and still do to this day. Now if that happened today we probably would have just gone with it.

 

Also, I have a wicked sense of humor... I can find humor in almost anything. I don't use humor to hurt people but as my own defense to keep from getting hurt. If II can't laugh at it I will probably end up crying. I learned as a young teen that when the bullies tried to get a reaction out of me when I laughed with them that was not the reaction they wanted. Pretty soon they moved in because they couldn't hurt me or see any humiliation. Still have that today because I am comfortable with who and what I am. Would I still like to be 22 and buff. Sure... But I'm not and it's not going to get me down.

 

Maybe they guy was a little like me. Lighten up and have fun. Don't take everything so seriously. These are my mottos and maybe his too.

[PleasingHer 52]

He likely wasn't judging the youth pastor. Just pointing out it you wouldn't think a youth pastor would be in the lifestyle. The fact you felt he was judging them tells me more about you than him.

Almost getting busted by your kids is never funny at the time. If you can't chuckle about it later however then I definitely would think you lack a sense of humor.

Everyone has their reasons for not wanting to play with someone. I agree you should not play. But for what's it's worth I think you're off base on this one

[Alura 2,775]

Laura and I liked to meet a couple for the first time in a coffee shop. If we got on well, we'd make a dinner date. We often went to our place after dinner, if we liked them enough. I'd suggest that y'all try not to make a decision after on-line communication, but after a face-to-face meeting.

 

I think your reasons for misgivings are valid but way too complex to try to explain. If you decide "No" just say, "We don't feel a good fit."

[sunbuckus 3,569]

I think it's one of the downsides of "meeting" people online first before in person, if they get to that point. I say this all the time but when looking at online swinger profiles, it's easier to come up with many reasons to say "no"--spelling, grammar, lack of online conversation skills, bad pictures, no pictures, only female pictures, one picture and it's the husband, a very brief profile, hardly any profile, too long of a profile, and etc. And that's not even considering if there's a physical attraction!

 

Whereas, in person, if you're attracted to them, you probably won't even know if they can differentiate between there, their, and they're; or that they photograph themselves in terrible lighting with a pile of dirty dishes in the background. Then there are those of us who are more comfortable writing than we are talking!

 

But as I said, a first impression is a first impression and it takes a lot to turn those around once they are made.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

I believe that both of you, owing to your extensive study of language and communication, have learned to read between the lines. The warning signs are clear. You are not over-reacting.

 

Might not be usable by everybody, but my wife and I have recently been ending any discussion that has already progressed a bit with, "the conversation has been interesting but we're not going to invite a meeting at this point. Maybe we will have an opportunity to meet at some future social event." Like the others, we have learned to not offer reasons. The person who receives the "Dear John" letter always seems to be able to produce a counter argument.

[JAPrufrock 588]

Thanks SW_PA_Couple. It was really hard to convey the exact feelings we got from the conversation. What surprised me was Mr. Prufrock's reaction, he's an easy going guy. It takes a lot to bother him, and he was pretty bothered (his protectiveness kicked in and that almost never happens.) Up until this point he really liked the guy. So something about what the guy said and how he said it raised some flags.

 

We'll give him a polite, "we're not a good fit." and leave it at that. Thanks for all your help!

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Yes, trust your gut. If it's not feeling right, then it's just not feeling right. Understanding why something bothers you or gives you pause isn't as important as listening to what your gut feeling is and not trying to just power on through those feelings.

 

You can overcome an online neutral by meeting someone in person, but by the time it's become a online negative, then almost impossible to overcome that whether it's in person or not. So, time for the "not a good fit" message.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Everybody has already given you good advice. I just wanted to reiterate what a trap it is to get into the reasons for a "no thanks" decision. Rejection is never an easy thing, but it is a fact of life in this thing of ours- some people are just not your cup of tea, and you will not be some other people's cup of tea. Trying to give (or get) the reasons is never going to make the situation better, and as SW_PA_Couple said, it invites a pointless negotiation. Better to simply part amicably, with an honest but non-detailed statement that you believe you are not a good match.

 

And for what it's worth, I agree that you should trust that crawly feeling at the back of your neck, within reason. If I had been in your situation, and had a reaction like you two did to the chat, the Mrs. I would have weighed it against the totality of the impression the person has left with us, keeping in mind the limited ability of a little bit written communication and a few photos to convey a full picture. But if both of us had that crawly feeling at the back of our necks, we might make the same decision as you. As fairly new people in the lifestyle, it seems only prudent to try to avoid what you feel could be a less-than-good experience. After all, we all want you two to have positive early experiences, like the lifestyle, and visit our cities someday!

[kikonkrome 844]

So far everybody we have met in the online world has not surprised us as being different in the real world.

 

Meh, if you are not feeling it, find somebody else. Who knows maybe it is you and not him, but does it matter?...you don't owe this guy, or anybody else anything, and your doing this for your benefit, not his.

[Ebonylehigh 254]

Totally agree with everything posted here. And in our experience I can say without fail that even the slightest hesitation that we went ahead and ignored turned into a situation we didn't enjoy. This entire experience from the courting to the consummation hinges on everyone feeling comfortable with the flow and the decisions being made. If at any point you don't feel that way then go with your instincts. At this point our instincts have worked right? (Well except for that time it led me to white castle at 3 a.m. But anyways. Lol)

[Daphne 21]

I am fascinated by the different reactions to the comments made by this fellow and I can see both sides. The comment about the youth minister could have been 1. a lame joke. 2. bragging. 3.`would you believe? 4. just passing on information (gossip) which could brook that woman's confidentiality.....and subsequently cost her her job and hopes of ever getting another one in a church... and you all are probably not the only one's he's told. 5. etc., etc., etc. Whatever his reasons, harmless or skanky, the ONLY important thing is how you two felt. And as so many have said, if you're uncomfortable, trust that. Even if his comments were innocent (???) if you all get together they will be on your minds and influence any interaction. While we are brand new in the LS, like the rest of you we are not new to life and relationships. No need to give this man an explanation...just not a good fit.

[JandKinBoise 859]

Excellent advise in here. We have dealt with this many many times. It's hard for the 2 of us to agree on a guy and sometimes there isn't even a reason other than we just didn't feel it with him. Making that decision is easy, letting a guy down that has his hopes up isn't so easy. We have used a lot of different lies to break off an uncomfortable situation but always lay the blame on us and flatter the hell out of him. We want him to leave with confidence rather than feeling rejected. If he feels ok about the break he is less likely to continue picking away at us and move on.

 

Sometimes though if the guy just has no clue, he may get a different note. Like one of the last guys we met. We were in a bar for almost an hour and he never once looked at or acknowledged that my wife existed. I had a long conversation with him starting with "wtf dude?".

[ExperienceNFun 23]

I agree with all of the advice dispensed here, and it made me think of how I would react as a single guy. We all say things that fall flat, the joke that doesn't go over, or don't express ourselves well online. But I think your "gut" is right. What does that have to do with anything, why should it stick out? He might not understand what the lifestyle is about, and only the "taboo" part of it turns him on.

 

If you've decided not to play, I'd just politely say that you aren't sure things are going to work out. If he "gets" things, he'll realize you are not interested and no means no.