Not swinging near home to maintain discretion

[Mbgdallas 203]

I have almost come to the conclusion that I only want to swing when away from home. Too small of a world in the Bible Belt and don't want to be discovered. Any suggestions of ideas on how to tackle all of this from long distance?

[Alura 2,774]

In our experience, small town Oklahomans are a horny lot. We managed to connect with some Tulsa couples, but there were a lot of out-of-towners, too.

 

I'd suggest that y'all not lay down too many "rules." There are far too little opportunities to swing with folks that fit without adding a lot of reasons to rule couples out.

 

There are plenty of ways to effect the security y'all need without ruling out a lot of people.

[Guest]

We never play at home, in our own home. Most play is on vacations, or couples club an hour away. A lot of is in a nearby big city, two hours drive so it makes for nice weekend stay and play away from home.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

I once met a couple who had driven two hours to go to a club far from home, so they wouldn't be recognized. The first people they saw when the arrived were a couple they knew from home and had definitely not expected to meet at a swingers club. The thing about meeting people you know while swinging is - guess what - they're swinging too. So they have just the same concerns about being "outed" as you do.

[Mbgdallas 203]

Lionheart... Not afraid of who I will meet in the club... But of the people who may see us go into the club or overhear something when we are out on the town.

 

Chiccouplexx... Is all you do club play since it is always out of town or do you search for people on line who are in the big city 2 hours away?

 

alura... Will you share the ways you implement security?

 

And one other question... What information do you put on a social card?

[cplnuswing 4,713]

We had the same concerns since we live in a very small town gossipy type environment. We've always maintained a "two towns over" rule on finding playmates. Once we got comfortable, that doesn't mean we won't invite playmates to our house, just that we don't look for playmates right in our backyard.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Jews do not recognize Jesus as their savior. Baptists do not recognize each other at a swingers' club.

[purple4215 55]

Two towns over rule for us too...

[PandO 103]

Two towns over rule for us too...

 

We're good with anywhere from 1 town over to 5 states over. ::P:

[intuition897 2,179]

This was our rule, too. I work at a university, so it's a pretty liberal environment. If anyone raised a stink about me being a swinger, all I'd need to do is start whining about how I'm being picked on because my organization doesn't "embrace inclusivity" for sexual diversity. Mr. intuition's situation is a little different, however. It's a privately owned company and "family oriented". I don't know if they have a morality clause, but even if they couldn't legally fire him for being a swinger, they find some other way to get rid of him. He's in a leadership position, so we do need to be very aware of appearances.

 

Now, that said, I really don't give a flying fuck if people did find out. We're not doing anything wrong, regardless of their opinion of it. The only reason we're not "out" (other than to keep our jobs), is because we don't feel it's polite to make the people around us uncomfortable with knowing our business. There are a lot of folks in our immediate circle that would have a hard time coming to terms with it when they don't even need to. It's none of their business, it doesn't affect them, and it doesn't change who we are as they've come to know us. All it does is create an unnecessary distraction. We used to be really paranoid about running into someone we know, but not so much anymore. As mentioned, they're swingers, too, so...whatever.

 

I remember one night Mr. intuition and I were out at a favourite watering hole, having some nachos and a drink, and people watching. The next table over, Mr. intuition noticed a woman he worked with out with her husband. She didn't see him right away. Their "friends" came by and sat down at the table and it was completely obvious from their conversation that it was a meet and greet. Two couples who were complete strangers trying to get to know one another. It was after they stood up and she noticed Mr. intuition and I sitting at the next booth that she froze with a deer in the headlights look. Mr. intuition had to hide his amusement and waved at her. The next day at work she (unnecessarily) came up to him with a big long explanation of what they were doing there that night. You were out with some friends; why the big, long explanation? It's not like we caught you in the middle of fucking them on the table. We've discovered that much of our swinging activity mimics normal vanilla social interactions, so we just hide in plain sight. Where it crosses the line from vanilla to swinger, we just try to be discrete about it.

[Alura 2,774]

alura... Will you share the ways you implement security?

 

Our major focus was to choose our playmates carefully. If you don't feel someone is particularly trustworthy, look to someone else.

 

If somebody is watching the people who go into clubs, he's either a scary pervert or a vice-cop with too much time on his hands. Maybe both.

 

Rarely, a couple can think they are observing all the security precautions only to find out later they missed something rather important. Those who have read Laura's and my book will know what I mean.

[cplnluv1 872]

We posted a similar thing. Though there are almost 9 million people in NJ we look for couples in NY and PA. We did meet a couple 40 miles from us and they invited us to a cabin party over two hours away with four couples and us. Who would think a neighbor from two blocks away, parents of our kids friends, would be there? Then again we have bumped into people we know in places even further away. Of course seeing someone in New Orleans or Disney is different than at a party where everyone is there for adult fun. I am sure they never expected us. There was an acknowledgment of knowing them but we at first hesitant for contact. With only five couples there, it was hard not to have contact.

[oncewere 84]

Many years ago, a couple Barb and I played with went to a party over a hundred miles away, The other side of a huge city to be discreet. They met their pastor there. Subsequently, he introduced them to local couples to play with, still discreetly. It worked out very well for all concerned.

[cplnluv1 872]

Many years ago, a couple Barb and I played with went to a party over a hundred miles away, The other side of a huge city to be discreet. They met their pastor there.

If we met our Rabbi I would throw up.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

If we met our Rabbi I would throw up.

If I met our rabbi at a club, I'd be thrilled. She's a female person, and cute.

[Bob250 74]

If I met our rabbi at a club, I'd be thrilled. She's a female person, and cute.

Well, my GF is Jewish, but she's no Rabbi.

[Guest]

This is an out of the box idea and depends on your situation but you could perhaps buy a holiday home / camper van / small property near a bigger city or town.

 

You obviously know where you love and will know the bigger towns / cities that are closest so you could look for holiday places / day trip places / weekend stays in those areas. Perhaps you find a nice lodge or cabin near a city that you can rent cheaply for a night or two, or simply budget hotels in the city or town itself.

 

Depending on your job and circumstances you could even just MOVE to a better location. I have always imagined the ideal place to live for a swinger would be just outside / near a major city, or in a location that happens to have 3 or 4 large towns within a close distance or something.

 

In your situation I'd also heavily think about “Deniability” that if for whatever reason your town / friends / people you know get even a suspicion about this lifestyle you need to ability to deny all charges and all accusations. This would perhaps mean things such as.....

 

Use a brand new email address that you use only for swinging and that doesn't contain any part of your name or details. Don't use your personal phone for swinging, buy a cheap mobile and give your player partners that number. Do not send, share, email, show naked pictures of yourselves.

 

When you do take pictures make sure there is a BLANK background / no family photos on the wall / no work uniforms hung in the background / nothing just a blank wall, sheet, or something. When you take pictures do NOT show naked pictures containing any part of your face, and only show face pictures where you are fully clothed.

 

Make sure to hide any tattoos, moles, birth marks, really distinctive features. You can do this with very simple photo editing software such as Microsoft Paint. Copy and paste some of your flesh colour over moles, tattoos, make it hard for people to notice your identity in pictures.

 

Have a set of pictures for websites that is super safe, that no one can tell it is you. Don't send naked pictures to anyone, don't let them take pictures of you or video you.

 

In the worst case you need to be able to say...... THAT IS NOT US!!!!

 

Create some deniability and doubt.

 

If this someone can prove its YOUR mobile number making the calls. YOUR email sending the messages. YOUR fully naked pictures with faces and everything. Then your in more trouble.

 

Make sure to secure inward and look outward to meet people.

[oc1234 435]

We have mainly played in our house. But the last few years of threesomes with our best friend, we have gone to his house. We like to take videos and he had video cameras set up around his waterbed.

[NoAngels 334]

We don’t even know people on our street and I have asked the wife who she was talking to and she said it was the woman four houses down. With that said we look outside a 25 mile radius. At 25 miles we still could unintentionally see friends, relatives and business associates. On a recent search I was surprised to see my sister-in-law.

[Guest]

Interesting. Never thought about it. When we go out with couples, I don't see any problem with being seen by anyone we know, including family. And we entertain our lovers, single or a couple at our home. Let the neighbors wonder. When I was single and had boys at home, I did observe a geographical boundary. When I was horny and wanted to get laid, I went to a bar across town so that anyone I knew wouldn't see me out slutting around.

[kittyswinger 260]

We (SO and I) always swing away from home at hotels during weekend getaways, or sometimes within the city. When alone, hotel too or at the play partner's place if I trust the person that much. However with bf, it was my first time to play with others in his own home (or our home, whatever! ? ). That's in a nearby city from where I live with SO.

[EastInWest 1,524]

When we started experimenting more, we drew a theoretical line about an hour's drive away from the house. Briefly, we also had an apartment outside that line for unrelated reasons.

 

Since then, we've broken it a couple times, but only where we felt comfortable either that if we were discovered, we could deal with it, or that it was otherwise safe enough. I do think it's easier to loosen up away from home.

[AndrewandAnn 360]

The last time were were in Amsterdam  (just prior to the beginning of the pandemic), we were strolling through one of the markets when we were surprised to hear someone calling out my name. I turned to see woman who used to work for me with her husband in tow. Here we were, 4,700 miles from home, on another continent, and I stumble into an old friend. We've traveled enough around the globe to say, with absolute certainty, the world is a very small place.

 

The point being, if you are in the lifestyle long enough, not matter how careful you are, no matter how far away you travel from home, you will eventually run into someone you know. It's inevitable. And, that means the risk of being outed is very real.

 

We've always told everyone interested in exploring the lifestyle that they should be prepared for eventually being outed. Not if, but when. If that thought is unacceptable, they may want to reconsider going down this road.

 

 

Edited October 25, 2021 by AndrewandAnn

[EastInWest 1,524]

33 minutes ago, AndrewandAnn said:

The point being, if you are in the lifestyle long enough, not matter how careful you are, no matter how far away you travel from home, you will eventually run into someone you know. It's inevitable. And, that means the risk of being outed is very real.

 

We've always told everyone interested in exploring the lifestyle that they should be prepared for eventually being outed. Not if, but when. If that thought is unacceptable, they may want to reconsider going down this road.

In general, our thinking on this is that if we do meet someone we know far from home, they're there for the same reason and probably share a similar lifestyle with us in other ways (not being lifeless local shut-ins) and that's fine.

 

What we'd prefer to discourage are the Gladys Kravitz-types putting two and two together from seeing us out with people or coming and going from hotels, etc.

 

We do play with a single female at our home and hers, and we do take some simple measures to make it look like a normal social call. We discussed it at length when we were propositioned, and decided that if people figure it out, the wives on the block already shoot her dirty looks anyway.