Dipping our toes in the lifestyle. Where is this going to lead?

[NorthIdahoCpl 22]

Some background: We have been married 12 years and have had our ups and downs as a couple. In the past few years things have improved to a point now that we are as solid in our relationship security as we could possible imagine. We are finally comfortable talking about all aspects of sex and are committed to total honesty.

 

We recently talked about having sex in more public places (my fantasy) and so we went to a club last weekend and had a blast. Prior to going we talked very openly about the fact that having sex with others is a very interesting thought but not one that we want to pursue IRL. We did a lot of research on swinging and talked about it a lot but set very clear boundaries before we left for the club. While at the club we had a great time dancing and she came out of her shell a lot. She spent half the night dancing on the pole with her butt hanging out of her dress (about half the dancing time was pantyless with her lady bits on display for all to see).

 

I didn't think she would be so bold and confident, but when she was it turned me on a lot. We eventually retreated to one of the group rooms to have sex and it was awesome. There were other people there having sex and some people just watching. We later went back for a second round. The sex the next day at home was amazing as well. Honestly we both were a little unsure what to expect but we had a great time.

 

Now the next day (Sunday) we had a discussion about the whole night and she admitted to me that despite our boundaries she went into the night thinking that she might be willing to try a swap if the situation felt good. I honestly was thinking the same thing. Obviously that never happened and for the most part the night probably turned us off to swapping due to some conversations and situations with some creepy people. But she did share a concern that continuing to go back might make us want to try swapping eventually and frankly I agree though I did assure he that I have no desire to pursue that (I don't).

 

That makes me wonder though... is that what most people think and we are just naive and on our way towards a swap and full immersion into the lifestyle?

 

While we both admit that the idea of swinging sounds like fun, we both feel like it would be too jealousy filled to do. We also talked about the fact that it probably would be rather unfulfilling sexually since we have a pretty dynamite sex life without the swapping. Lastly we talked about the fact that it seems like most couples there would end up in an unfair swap (i.e. the man was not nearly as attractive/young as the wife).

 

Anyways I'm curious what others thoughts and experience with this are.

[two4youinswva 3,069]

Welcome to the board!

 

We're glad you had a great time and were able to express yourselves in a new and fun way. It does tend to make the sex a lot hotter for the next few weeks.

 

So where do you go from here? Good question. Here's a thought: Keep talking about what does turn you on, what turns you off, what you are afraid of, and IF you move forward, go only as fast as the slowest person. I'd suggest spending a lot of time reading this board specifically the Curious About Swinging forum, and threads with the tag Common Questions.

 

One thing you'll find here is, while we're a great resource for swingers, we never try to push swinging on those that aren't ready. Often we're the first to say "You're not ready". If the two of you keep up your great communication, keep researching and learning from other's experiences, you'll figure out if you've gone as far as you want to go, or if you just might like to take another step into the pool.

 

Best of luck!

[Lionheart72 2,192]

If swinging isn't something that you are comfortable doing, then don't do it. There is no cosmic force which will inexorably draw you into it. I've known people who actually went to swingers clubs regularly but were not, never wanted to be, and still aren't swingers. They just enjoyed socializing with the people at the club.

 

It sounds to me like you guys went out, had some fun, and your wife let her exhibitionist side out to play. That's fantastic.

 

It sounds to me like now you have some options. You can call it a fun life experience, glad you did it, but aren't going to do it again. Alternatively, you can go out and do it again sometimes, while being clear with yourselves and each other that you will stick to those guidelines. It sounds to me like you've shown yourself capable of sticking to those guidelines and still having fun. However, if you do go back, the one thing I would strongly suggest you work on is being honest with yourselves and each other about what you want. You were both willing to make an exception of the rules if things felt right, but you didn't share that. You need to be able to share that, because of there is a next time and you do find yourself in a situation that "feels right" you need to be honest with each other about it. I would strongly suggest that, if you continue, you continue to stick to your boundaries (whatever they may be).

 

My $.02, for whatever it's worth.

[GoldCoCouple 4,072]

This is whatever you decide you both want it to be. It can go just as far as you are interested in going. What it becomes is up to you. Rules are very important and not breaking them is something that neither of you should ever do. Just because something 'feels right' to one partner doesn't necessarily means the other partner feels the same way. IF you even decide to go further, you should both make this decision BEFORE you are in a situation where you may want to go further. All of this can and usually is a 'one step at a time' thing. Maybe she will want to see what kissing another woman is like, maybe she'll want to see what it's like to see you kissing another woman, etc, etc. Where it goes is up to the two of you and it doesn't have to lead to full swap. Take your time and enjoy the experiences as you both come across them...there's no pressure or rush, just good times.

[PleasingHer 52]

Sounds like you guys just want to let your hair down a little. The club is a fun (albeit expensive) way to do this. Be very up front with other couples your just there to socialize. Nothing is more annoying then spending 45 minutes with someone only to find out they do not swap. Talking is fun, but I can do that at a regular club.

 

So to your first point, will it be jealousy filled? Yes! You need to have jealousy under control before swapping. Neither me or the wife are jealous, but its a minefield for those that are.

 

Second, would it be unfulfilling sex? Yes! If you go into it with that attitude of course it will be mediocre. Just assume someone out there might be better, and teach you a few things. Further, no matter how good your sex life, having more people in the same bed will always spice things up. If it doesn't, you're doing it wrong.

 

Finally, will you end up in an unfair swap. In the lifestyle its known as "taking one for the team". You bang the skank cuz your spouse is really into the other person. That only happens if you let it. Both of you should be into your prospective partners.

 

In short, you sound like your not ready to swap. But have fun clubbing and be honest with others.

[GoldCoCouple 4,072]

While we don't have many rules, we do not ever 'take one for the team'. The two of us make up our 'team' and there is no I in team...

 

(but there is an M and an E )

[JAPrufrock 588]

 

Mr. Prufrock and I decided we won't ever "take one for the team." How can I enjoy myself knowing he isn't at all attracted to his playmate and vice versa? He doesn't really have a hard time finding other women attractive, but I have a hard time finding other men attractive. I honestly had no idea I was that picky. Oddly enough, I find other women attractive, more then I find other men. I think it has more to do with the fact that Mr. Prufrock is the epitome of attraction for me. Who knows?

 

Regardless, it sounds like you both have talked about rules, boundaries, etc... so stick to 'em and have a good time! If you both are okay with flexible boundaries (ie. playing with the right couple at a club, if you find one -- which is harder to do then you'd think) that's fine, just make sure that you're both actually ok with it, and one isn't just going along.

 

Mr. Prufrock and I haven't had any actual soft or full swap experiences yet, but we've decided that we'd be okay with a soft swap morphing into a full swap, provided we're both on board with it. If we don't have the chance to discuss it beforehand, it won't happen. Although, we've sort of lost hope on finding a compatible couple at this juncture, so who knows if it will even come to that point?

 

I think everyone will agree, bottom line is to have fun. If it's not fun, then don't do it, or don't do it again!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,027]

. . . I think everyone will agree, bottom line is to have fun. If it's not fun, then don't do it, or don't do it again!

I try to make this point so many times with people. I'm pleased to know that you appreciate it.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

While we both admit that the idea of swinging sounds like fun, we both feel like it would be too jealousy filled to do.

 

Jealousy filled for you knowing your wife is enjoying having sex with another man or your wife knowing you are enjoying having sex with another woman? We had an experience where her playmate enjoyed having sex with her so much that he wanted to posses her for his own and became jealous of me having sex with her.

 

We also talked about the fact that it probably would be rather unfulfilling sexually since we have a pretty dynamite sex life without the swapping.

 

Not all your experiences are going to live up to your expectations. We have been disappointed many times. But the good times were times to remember for a lifetime. You have to play to win

 

Lastly we talked about the fact that it seems like most couples there would end up in an unfair swap (i.e. the man was not nearly as attractive/young as the wife).

 

This is also something that I think everyone has experienced. You and his wife are getting along so good that you are hypnotized and forget that your wife and her husband are right beside you. Or it could be your wife and her husband. One of you is ready to go but the other is not so enthusiastic.

 

I've been on both ends of this situation. We have walked away from a situation before it ever got to sex ending up disappointing one of us and causing an aggressive debate. We have both also had sex with someone we were not attracted to.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Hello, NorthIdahoCpl, and welcome to SwingersBoard! You've gotten lots of great feedback already, but here's two more cents' worth...

 

The jealousy factor is something that I imagine all swinger couples have had to deal with. I can tell you that in our case, the Mrs. and I were honest with each other in sharing the fact that we really weren't certain how we would feel watching each other having sex with someone else. We thought it would be a turn-on, but no one can ever really know for sure how they will react until they are in the situation. So when we were approaching our first swinger sex experience, we had some trepidation! As it turned out, we were both really turned on by seeing the other giving and receiving pleasure! And there was another, unexpected thing- we both found that we were a little proud of each other for being so bold, and happy for one another seeing each other having a good time. It brought us closer together, rather than causing a rift between us.

 

Of course, your mileage may vary, and I'm sure that not everybody would have just the same reaction as we did. So if you two really do not think you'd be OK with each other having sex with someone else, don't go there! You can never un-fuck the other person, after all.

 

The other aspect of this, that others have mentioned as well, is that you should both be freely sharing your thoughts and feelings about things before you get to the club. You may each have secretly wondered whether your spouse would be OK with your feeling willing to try a swap. But if you take nothing else from your "dabbling" and experimenting, I hope you take away a habit for completely open and honest communication. This means not being afraid to express your most secret thoughts, feelings, desires, fantasies, fears, concerns, etc. And the other side of that coin is the promise not to hold anything your spouse might express against them. You both even have the right to be irrational sometimes! Don't like the way that guy stroked her hair at the club? Tell her! That woman in the red dress really turning you on? Tell her! That kind of safe, close communication can help make everything better, including your sex life!

 

One point about "taking one for the team". For us, we have found that this question is not so much of a binary thing, as in "we are both madly hot for that couple" versus "I can't stand that other woman, even though you are madly hot for the other guy". For us, it has been more of a continuum, and we are rarely equally attracted to both people in the other couple. One of us is usually somewhat more attracted than the other is. It's a matter of whether both of you feel like you would enjoy yourselves.

 

Speaking of attraction, the Mrs. and I have found that our view of what makes a person attractive has definitely evolved over our year in the lifestyle. We have found ourselves really turned on by people who we wouldn't have given a second thought to, based on their initial appearance from across the room, or in a profile picture. How a person carries themselves, how comfortable they make us feel in conversation, how much we just plain like them after conversing for ten minutes, all contribute to the chemistry we feel with another couple. I guess we feel like our horizons have been broadened!

 

I hope you two keep having sexy fun, keep experimenting together, be bold but don't feel pushed, and keep talking!

[Guy1964 177]

I want you to know how much I enjoyed reading your post. I love the way you're taking it slow and keeping it fun. One of my hangups is that I tend to rush things. I can learn a lot from this approach.