Curious, but insecurities are holding me back

[babygirl03 15]

Hello all, I am a 30 year old that has been married for 12 years and am madly in love with my husband, however we have been talking about exploring things together. I have had a sexually past prior to marriage; hubby on the other hand has not so we are trying to find a way to let him have the experience of others with me. I have done some research on the computer and watched some shows but I now have a million more questions then I did before researching. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Some things I am worried about is that I am not the same body type I was when I got married. I have gained weight I am trying to lose it and it is slowly coming off where as hubby we will refer to him as C is in shape and is very attractive so I am scared that people will want him but not me. I know that if and when we take the dive into this lifestyle a main rule will be we always play together. C has always told me that he is more in love with me today then when we married and there is no other woman besides me. I just don't want to limit him because of me. All the shows we have watched have very skinny woman. Is this something that I need to worry about or am I over thinking things? Which I tend to do.

 

Do we always have to swap or can you just do threesome? A fantasy of C's is to watch me with another woman to start with and then he join. Is that something that happens? I have been with other woman when I was younger prior to C so that doesn't bother me.

[JandKinBoise 859]

Welcome to the Swingers Board! This is a wonderful collection of experiences and wisdom.

 

Threesomes are a very common desire. 2 girls and a guy is a favorite of many. Hopefully you have someone in mind. Going out to find a single woman to join you is quite difficult and rare, hence the name "unicorn".

 

As with most marketing, you will always be shown beautiful thin models wandering the swing club ad, on the beach at Desire etc. If you look around next time you are at Target, those are the typical swingers. Normal people loving life. Sometimes loving life comes with a few extra pounds. Not something to worry about other than your view of yourself. Try to realize that thin, tall and sexy is about as far from the norm as possible. Look at the positive side, you are 30. You have many years to enjoy this experience. Remember them, write them down. They are the memories that keep the smile on your face while sitting in the rocker on the porch in 40 years.

 

Wander the board, enjoy the stories and read the advise. You have found the best resource on the net. Swingers helping swingers.

[longun45 115]

Welcome babygirl03. I guarantee that you will have plenty of attention, a little weight is not a turn off for most guys. Google rubenesque women and click on images. What you will see is voluptuous women who attract men. Do exercise as sex is a very strenuous activity and you want to relax and enjoy it. You can do anything you can imagine, just let go of expectations and be open. It may happen when you least expect it.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

First of all: Welcome, we're happy to have you here.

 

Second: JandK are right on. Swingers are made up of EVERY kind of person imaginable. You will find that every race, every religion, and every body type will be represented here. Most people are not models just like there are those looking for people who don't look like models (some believe that real women HAVE curves and like them that way). I would suggest signing up for one of the Swinger websites (being from CA, probably SLS is best...at least it had the most locals for us) and look at the other profiles and pictures. I seriously doubt that you will be the most unattractive or largest woman you find (not that it matters and it's all personal preference anyways). Look around and see what you find. I think that you will be just fine.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

babygirl03, welcome to SwingersBoard!

 

The Mrs. and I have been in the lifestyle for about a year (BTW, we were inspired by the show Swing on Playboy TV!). One thing we have both learned is that there are all kinds of sexy out there, among people of many shapes, sizes, ages, colors, etc. Just because you have a few extra pounds, don't let yourself believe that you are not attractive and sexy! If you are a nice person, are approachable, and are fun to be with, I'm sure you will be seen as desireable by many people!

 

So, you've already heard that threesomes with another woman are a fine thing to do in the swinger world, and not uncommon. It kinda sounds like you are considering this in order to please C- but you deserve to have fun, too! Have you thought about whether you'd like to have sex with another guy as well? It's not a betrayal of C for you to want that, too!

 

One thing that concerns me just a little is this:

I just don't want to limit him because of me.

. Are you thinking that he doesn't find you desireable, that you're consigning him to a boring sex life if you don't bring in another woman? I would bet you that he doesn't feel that way! And if you get out there in the lifestyle and have some fun with some guys (along with C enjoying other women), I'll wager that you will find a lot of guys telling you how attractive they find you. It can give a woman a kind of ego boost that their husband alone cannot. It's as if it takes a dozen guys other than a woman's husband telling her how hot she is before she'll believe it!

 

My wife is a prime example of this. She came into the lifestyle with some body image issues, but feels a heck of a lot better about herself now after hearing a chorus of compliments from many different guys (I always thought she was hot!). She is more confident and bold now than she was before.

 

I hope this same thing happens to you! Just keep talking with C about this, openly and honestly- let all your fantasies, hopes, and dirty thoughts come out with each other, but also let your insecurities, concerns, and fears come out as well. You will grow closer together, whether you end up swinging or not!

[babygirl03 15]

He has always told me that I am beautiful sexy and all that but since I don't feel it I think he sometimes just says it out of having to because he is my husband. Which he is the type of person that does not lie to make a person feel better. We also don't have a boring sex life I am willing to try everything once I fear that another woman will not find me attractive enough to want to play with us both. I just have to take all the advice and put myself out there. The worst that can happen is I get a no in the end I will still have C.

[JAPrufrock 588]

I'm not bi, so I can't speak from a woman-to-woman perspective. I can say that there will always be some who find overweight people unattractive, but I think that within the lifestyle people tend to be more realistic and enthusiastic about themselves and others.

 

I, too, feel like my own husband tells be I'm beautiful because he has to, but I'm slowly realizing that he really actually does think and feel the things he says. And that I am beautiful. I think, as a woman, we're taught that if we don't measure up to some standard that the advertising world has shoved down our throats, we're worthless. And that's just not the case, as plenty of men here will tell you.

 

I will say, though, our first experience at a club, we were followed around by a persistent unicorn who desperately wanted to play with Mr. Prufrock alone. It was a bit of a set back on our swinging journey to be honest, because I felt like my secret feelings were validated: Mr. Prufrock was way out of my league, I wasn't attractive yadda yadda yadda.

 

What the kind and good people of Swingers Board reminded me of was this: the persistent Unicorn behaved badly, and women lead in the lifestyle. Now, I'm not sure how well this pertains to finding another woman, but for us at least, knowing that I am expected to make the first move, as opposed to being approached helps immensely.

 

We haven't started swinging yet, and due to a lack of the right partners, we're not sure we'll ever get to start but I am learning that sexy isn't so much what you look like, but how you act. Be confident, be happy, be YOU, and if anyone doesn't like that, they aren't someone you'd want to play with in the first place. That's the best part about swinging. You will never be going home alone.

[cplnluv1 874]

Hi. I have posted about why we started and it was very similar to your situation. My wife posts here more than I do but I can tell you we started because prior to us getting together, my wife was active in college. She told me about all the things she did including her bi side. She hadn't been with anyone but me since we got together. We have kids now and nobody's body is the same. Of course being a guy I wanted a 3some with another woman. There is a reason they call the 3rd woman a unicorn. I guess they exist...maybe. We searched, took ads out and got many fakes. The original reason was to have that one woman and me to watch. My wife said it was fine if I joined in and that all options were open. Didn't make a difference, we couldn't find that person. We even got to the point where I was okay with getting a guy to join us though I was more hesitant about that. We ended up going with a couple. They were younger and we never believed they would show up. Why would they want to meet us? They were, on paper and pictures, a better catch than us. They ended up real and we had our first swinger experience. I can say there was no hesitation from the couple though my wife was older and had a mother's body. I got to watch my wife with what I call a hot chick. I got to watch my wife, yes I had some second thoughts, with a young good looking 20something who was way bigger than me. Jealous until He could last. And I got to have sex, with my wife's encouragement with that hot woman. Maybe we weren't their dream couple but it didn't seem to bother them.

We have since decided we can be the couple to be other couple's first. The biggest determination if we meet a couple is the way they approach it. They must have excellent hygiene. We have met bigger women and bigger men. We know there is hesitation and nervousness and we try to take that away. It is still exciting to watch my wife and even more exciting watch her with a curious woman.

[intuition897 2,179]

Mr. intuition and I have been inactive for a decade now, and are just getting back into things (eventually). One of the main reasons for the hiatus was because we were desperately unhappy with ourselves. We gained a LOT of weight, didn't work out, ate poorly, not enough sleep, water or veggies, and we let stress just roll over us like a steamroller. Things still aren't perfect, but we're making progress. Between the two of us, we've lost nearly 100 lbs since February (hint: SUGAR IS YOUR ENEMY). We're now feeling so much better about ourselves, even though we have a little ways to go.

 

Like others have mentioned, there are people of all shapes and sizes in the lifestyle. The key is to be comfortable in your own skin. You need to be able to walk into a room like you own it, because you look damn good. I don't care if you a size 2, a 12, a 22 or bigger: you need to be able to love what you see in the mirror and dress it up right because you're worth it. Attention to detail is important. Be proud of the way you look. Got sexy hands? Get a gorgeous French manicure. Have awesome hair? Play it up. Are your legs one of your best features? Dress them up in stockings and platform heels and strut! Do whatever makes you feel sexy and comfortable. Your confidence is what others will be most attracted to.

 

Now I won't lie, you won't be everyone's type. But that's okay. Those perfect-10 Barbie and Ken types? They're not everyone's type either. It's not about better or worse; it's just "different". We all get rejected sooner or later, and it never doesn't suck. But you develop a little thicker skin each time and realize that for every rejection you get, you'll get at least 10 compliments.

 

Here's another way to look at it. I'll never be a blonde. I'll never be a petite little size 0 gymnast with washboard abs. This body was built for comfort, baby, not for speed. I'll never have a genuine foreign accent. I'll never figure out what the lady half of our first playcouple did to get Mr. intuition to stand and salute 8 damn times in a single night (although I wish I had asked!). Not even kidding. But I don't hold that against her. I'm just happy for Mr. intuition that he got to add that to his bucket of life experiences. It's something I can't offer him, and I don't feel it's fair to deprive him of enriching, memorable life experiences, just because it can't be me that gives them to him. In a way, I AM giving them to him, by proxy. I'm cutting a kid loose in a candy store and I'm more focused on how happy that makes me, to be able to give him that, than I am on how his enjoyment somehow diminishes me, or makes him love me less, or feel less desire for me. Because that absolutely is not the case. So why worry?

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Sorry for being late back to the party but we've been on vacation (Desires...why did we come back to the states?).

 

Beauty is only skin deep, sexy comes from somewhere deep inside and radiates outward...usually it has nothing to do with looks.

 

Last time I checked, neither Ken nor Barbie even have any genitals and are totally made of plastic (yes, Barbies tits are fake).

 

There is nothing better to reignite a relationship and to get you thinking and working on looking better than dating again...just this time it's with another couple...who may put out at the end of the night.

 

You never know if you don't try. As we previously suggested, look around and see what is out there before you decide that you aren't good enough (you ARE). The couple we have been seeing for several years were a 6.5 in the pictures, but the fireworks at the first meeting elevated them to a 10. Looks are never everything.