I've created a monster.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

I was recently talking to a guy. He told me that he extended a lot of time and effort convincing his wife to try swing. She eventually acceded. But five years after, she has completely embraced the lifestyle and has even run far ahead of him. He sounded like he almost regretted encouraging her to get into it. He had, in his own words, created a monster.

 

Have you heard of such things?

[kikonkrome 843]

my wife might be heading in that direction...She's now leading the 'wild' ride. I must admit I find it highly amusing.

[couplers 4,553]

No regrets for me, but my life is not how it was when I started my non-monogamy. At first it was just my ex-fiancé and my new boyfriend sharing me. That was fine, and we all liked the arrangement. Well, the boyfriend is now my husband, and the ex is living with us along with two other women that have joined us along the way to form a family. I have found my lesbian side, and we all have sex with each other except for my ex and one of the women. I and one of the women each have a child by my husband.

 

 

Things change, we all adapt. When you love someone, you don't deny him or her the good things in life.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

This really speaks to me, so sorry about this long post!

 

My husband brought up the idea and we decided together to try it. I love it and love the social aspect of swinging. I run a group that is quite active and there is always something going on. He enjoys the sex between us and with friends and how our relationship has grown. But, really he would be just as happy to be much less active, to not be the couple in charge.

 

He knows how much I enjoy it and is very supportive. But, he would probably identify somewhat with the "I've created a monster".

 

He says about many of my hobbies, "You don't do anything halfway" In the past I was very involved with a hobby he started me on. He has known me forever and knows my ways so I know he is not surprised about my intensity. We work well together in that way.

 

I do try to keep a balance so as not to overwhelm him. About a year ago I felt like I should step back a little from swinging. I vowed to find some new vanilla activities to devote part of my energy to, that would not involve his time like swinging does. That has gone quite well, but now it's, "Not another aquarium/terrarium build?!" "another forum?!" I also joined Facebook, so I don't spend as much time here. That was a calculated move to be more vanilla.

 

For me being the "monster" is a struggle. I have to really remind myself to be empathetic, to remind myself we're in this together and if he's not happy, I'm not happy. Fortunately as time goes on we get better and better together communicating and taking care of each other.

 

I think creating a monster can happen with anything, becoming parents, a hobby, a job, swinging. It's how both people in the relationship deal with it. It's such a tightrope. Asking for what you need in a kind way, compromising, finding alternatives, being compassionate about what the other person loves.

 

A long time ago we had a rough patch. I confided that I felt being non-monogamous was something that would always be a part of me. That I would never want to go back to strict monogamy. I also said I was confident we would be able to find a way to make our relationship work for both of us, no matter what.

 

My husband did not like that at all. It scared him that there was no going back. I wasn't going to lie though, that is how I felt. At that time we were swinging more frequently than we do now. We talked a lot. Really though it was just I felt intense passion for the lifestyle while he liked it alright, thought it was fun and sexy. I agreed to take a break for a month (that was a long time then, now we only play every few months). That break helped and showed I did have restraint and he was the most important. We moved on from there and things have gone well for the last 4 years or so.

 

Now we're are part of a community of swingers, we spend a lot of time socializing with swing friends and the idea that non-monogamy is part of who we are is much less threatening.

[Glida 250]

I’m so glad you posted this question. I was wondering if and how to share my thoughts and feelings and here seems to be a good place.

 

We’ve not been in the LS so long, a few years, and as time has gone on I've been less active and more laid back about finding potential playmates. Recently we’ve closed our profiles completely and don’t spend time like we used to finding couples and going out on dates.

 

I’m ok with this decision and so is he, but I think we have very different reasons for being so. His philosophy being that ‘I’m his and only his and he controls sex in our relationship’ mine being a general feeling that ‘it’s just not the number one thing in my life right now’.

 

The problem stems from the times when I reject the idea of sex. Then the monster comes out… he can react in any number of ways. Anger, frustration, ignoring me, an argument and accusing me of not being attracted to him anymore, even accusations that I just want to fuck other men. One night he even left the house at 1am because I didn’t feel like having sex. When we used to date other couples it was worse. Because to him a date meant automatically that it would end with sex! Regardless to how the date had gone for me. On those occasions all hell would break loose. I think that experiencing these reactions has made me less inclined to want sex nowadays which is not helping matters but is a knock on effect. It’s only been since swinging that I’ve started to notice these things. Sex just the two of us and swinging was exciting and intimate but has turned into an assumption!

 

And the thing that frustrates me the most is knowing that I’m so much more that who I am in the bedroom. I’m 40 years old and I’m finally going back to school to finish the education I ran away from all those years ago. I’ve started a new job that I’m so happy about. Our children are growing into such beautiful and vibrant and busy little people and there’s so much fun and joy to be had in our lives, all of which seem to wash over him. It’s like unless sex is on the cards he lacks interest.

 

For me now there’s a lot of pressure involved in having sex. He will always try and is always ready which just makes me not that interested. I’ve asked him to slow things down and give me space to find myself in all of this and that the fundamental attraction and desire for him are still in me and always will be but this is met with a total disconnect between us. There’s no middle ground which hurts a little bit.

 

I’ve stopped sharing my fantasies with him, I’ve stopped texting him asking him to come home early, I’ve stopped talking about sex. Not because I no longer want those things but because when I don’t do them, he checks out! And my feelings are that in order to love me physically he must also love me, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I think I feel a little taken for granted.

 

I don’t know where this will go and where it will end. I’ve tried explaining to him how it feels for me when I’m in a place where I need my husband to stand up and hold things together because I’m emotional, sad, depressed, busy, frustrated or any number of wonderful emotions he gets to share with me. But he just accuses me of being, disrespectful, cold, hard or disconnected and turns his back.

 

Is this the monster you were referring to because sometimes it feels like I live with one!

[Guest]

We started the same way. We were approached by a couple but decided to start with MFM, she found that more acceptable. The first one was somewhat pre-arranged, with the male of the couple that had approached us. Three weeks later, we’re at a bar in Key West, young guy is talking to us, flirting with her. I see that she is seducing him, whisper, do you know where you are going with this. She says yeah. By end of the evening, we’re in MFM number 2. She went in this direction for 2 years, 10 mfm's and 5 swaps before it slowed down. I happily jogged along, never far behind, enjoying it all immensely.

[couplers 4,553]

This really speaks to me, so sorry about this long post!

...

 

I appreciated your post, it was not too long. The post was insightful and I thank you for sharing your experiences and insights.

 

... I confided that I felt being non-monogamous was something that would always be a part of me. That I would never want to go back to strict monogamy. ... I wasn't going to lie though, that is how I felt...

 

I have had the same conversation with my husband early on and later with other members of our family. Hubby has always accepted my need to be something other than a one-man-woman, but told me that he would be faithful to me, and for the first couple years of our marriage, that's the way it was. Now that two other women are with us and he has a child with one of them, I would never make that demand, even if by some chance I happened to feel that way again. On the other hand one of the women, Clair, is monogamous and has straight sex only with my husband. In a way, this is strange, but we seem to have attained a condition of extreme stability on our relationships.

[couplers 4,553]

...

 

The problem stems from the times when I reject the idea of sex. Then the monster comes out… he can react in any number of ways. Anger, frustration, ignoring me, an argument and accusing me of not being attracted to him anymore, even accusations that I just want to fuck other men. One night he even left the house at 1a.m. because I didn’t feel like having sex. ...

 

How very interesting. One of the advantages I always thought (and experienced) for both man and women of being in a non-monogamous situation and having multiple sex partners is making it more likely to have a willing partner when the mood hit. I found that especially true for us bi women.

[Lionheart72 2,189]

I don’t know where this will go and where it will end. I’ve tried explaining to him how it feels for me when I’m in a place where I need my husband to stand up and hold things together because I’m emotional, sad, depressed, busy, frustrated or any number of wonderful emotions he gets to share with me. But he just accuses me of being, disrespectful, cold, hard or disconnected and turns his back.

 

I hate to say it, but it sure doesn't sound like it's going to end well. He needs to adjust his attitude.

[Lionheart72 2,189]

How very interesting. One of the advantages I always thought (and experienced) for both man and women of being in a non-monogamous situation and having multiple sex partners is making it more likely to have a willing partner when the mood hit. I found that especially true for us bi women.

 

My experience has been more on the glass is half empty side... Now, I've got two people who are unavailable because they have busy schedules.

[Alura 2,773]

My late wife was an over-achiever in everything she chose to do. That included swinging. Once, early the next morning, Mr. Playmate remarked, "I wasn't sure I'd survive. I just held on and hoped for the best." We all laughed. He was willing to try it again, though. "I can't imagine a couple ever saying 'no' to y'all the second time," added Mrs. Playmate. We remained friends with benefits for years.

 

I'm not sure who brought up the subject. We talked about it on our second date and decided it sounded like fun. It was several years later that we had our first experience with a couple.

[Mbgdallas 203]

My late wife was an over-achiever in everything she chose to do. That included swinging. Once, early the next morning, Mr. Playmate remarked, "I wasn't sure I'd survive. I just held on and hoped for the best." We all laughed. He was willing to try it again, though. "I can't imagine a couple ever saying 'no' to y'all the second time," added Mrs. Playmate. We remained friends with benefits for years.

 

I'm not sure who brought up the subject. We talked about it on our second date and decided it sounded like fun. It was several years later that we had our first experience with a couple.

 

You sound as if you had a great wife. I could only be so lucky. I love my wife dearly and that is what it is all about but it would be fun once.

[Chris&Suzanne 204]

Ever see the movie The SEX Monster?

Check it out

[Alura 2,773]

You sound as if you had a great wife. I could only be so lucky. I love my wife dearly and that is what it is all about but it would be fun once.

 

If you click on the link at the bottom of my posts, Mbgdallas, it will take you to the cover of our book. Then click on the cover and you'll be able to read a few chapters. That sample should tell you if you should try to get her to read the book. If you find a bar at the bottom, be sure to back it up to the beginning. As this thread suggests, be careful what you hope for.

[bbarnsworth 2,634]

My wife and I got into swinging as a mutual decision. Neither of us needed convincing, but we spent a lot of time discussing it before we got into it. That was eight years ago now. We both enjoy it, but I have to say my wife loves it! Each time we would go play, she'd get butterflies in her stomach. But, that passed after she had a foursome (three guys, myself included, and her). She love love loved it, and hasn't looked back. I think being non-monogamous is more natural to her now than being monogamous.

[Mbgdallas 203]

If you click on the link at the bottom of my posts, Mbgdallas, it will take you to the cover of our book. Then click on the cover and you'll be able to read a few chapters. That sample should tell you if you should try to get her to read the book. If you find a bar at the bottom, be sure to back it up to the beginning. As this thread suggests, be careful what you hope for.

 

I actually already have your book. Just haven't read it yet. Thank you.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

... But five years after, she has completely embraced the lifestyle and has even run far ahead of him. He sounded like he almost regretted encouraging her to get into it. He had, in his own words, created a monster.

 

Have you heard of such things?

 

We've witnessed this quite a few times over the years, sometimes with less than an ideal ending.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

This time, I am the person who is guilty of creating a monster. I am, at least, guilty of aiding and abetting the woman's boyfriend in this creation. She is the perfect image of a church lady but now she wants to do everything, see everything, and try everything. My role in this was that I was her 'first'. She's enjoyed my company and I have enjoyed hers. Her boyfriend had dedicated years convincing her to give it a try. Now she is running far ahead of either of us and has had her second and third in close succession. Maybe it was all those years of sexual repression (did I say that she is seventy years of age) that are having a sling-shot effect.

 

Now do not misunderstand. She is doing nothing reckless. She insists on safe sex, guards her privacy, and has been observed declining indecent proposals at private parties. We expect to be seeing her again at her first hotel take-over. I hope that those young, single guys will be able to keep up with her.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

... But five years after, she has completely embraced the lifestyle and has even run far ahead of him. He sounded like he almost regretted encouraging her to get into it. He had, in his own words, created a monster.

 

Have you heard of such things?

 

We've witnessed this quite a few times over the years, sometimes with less than an ideal ending.

 

 

I have to say, if Mr. Sun hadn't put the brakes on 6 months after we first started to swing, we might have had a "less than ideal ending". I was enjoying swinging separately too much and had blinders on. I couldn't see how it was affecting Mr. Sun. So, yes, swinging can be liberating in many respects but I can also see how it can be destructive if one partner lacks control and an inability/unwillingness to stop and consider how their behavior is affecting their spouse.

[EastInWest 1,524]

I’ve stopped sharing my fantasies with him, I’ve stopped texting him asking him to come home early, I’ve stopped talking about sex. Not because I no longer want those things but because when I don’t do them, he checks out! And my feelings are that in order to love me physically he must also love me, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I think I feel a little taken for granted.

 

I don’t know where this will go and where it will end. I’ve tried explaining to him how it feels for me when I’m in a place where I need my husband to stand up and hold things together because I’m emotional, sad, depressed, busy, frustrated or any number of wonderful emotions he gets to share with me. But he just accuses me of being, disrespectful, cold, hard or disconnected and turns his back.

 

Is this the monster you were referring to because sometimes it feels like I live with one!

 

I think there's a real issue here, in that you say the two of you have shut down communications, seemingly over his temper about the topic.

 

It's not about your disinterest in swinging, since even when you were receptive, you say it was worse and "all hell would break loose".

 

I'm not going to try to analyze it, but I think you're right to be frustrated with that, and it sounds like, from your side of the story, he has some work to do. I don't think you created a monster, he just sounds like he's being very one-sided.

[Shore2Please 603]

I don't think I am a monster or have gone wild. We are still novices by all definitions. We only swing with one couple and that has only been a few times, except once with another couple, their friends. We have been invited a number of times and I think I am the one pushing the meetings more than my husband. I am not sure if it is still the novelty of another man. My husband and I have a great sex life, it is just something different. I feel different when we are with them, not in I have to be with him way but in a fun way. Before someone asks, NO I am not falling for the other man.

[EastInWest 1,524]

Couldn't help but share this seemingly relevant comic:

 

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal

[M1F2KTJ 473]

It took me a long time trying to talk my wife into trying it. When she did she LOVED it! She began picking up men on her own. There were times I wasn't comfortable with the men she brought home with her. Most of them were disrespectful to me. I was used to picking out men for her.

 

I was happy that she liked having sex with other men in front of me. I LOVE watching her enjoying herself. I tolerate the disrespect from some of her playmates. I understand that some of those things are out of her control. She won't bring a cocky, disrespectful guy home to me again but she has had more experiences with him away from me with my blessing.

 

She has had guys talk her into leaving me.

 

So what turned out being a fantasy of mine has turned into something that she now has taken control of.

[love2dp 52]

M1F2KTJ, Glad your wife and you are enjoying yourself. But I would definitely NOT be ok with ANY disrespect from any of the men she is bringing home. Especially if you are not part of picking them out. That behavior is totally unacceptable. Hope she now chooses or makes the right decision on your behalf not to see those who have been disrespectful to you. That's the honorable thing for your wife to do for you on your behalf.

[waylate 16]

I’m so glad you posted this question. I was wondering if and how to share my thoughts and feelings and here seems to be a good place.

 

We’ve not been in the LS so long, a few years, and as time has gone on I've been less active and more laid back about finding potential playmates. Recently we’ve closed our profiles completely and don’t spend time like we used to finding couples and going out on dates.

 

I’m ok with this decision and so is he, but I think we have very different reasons for being so. His philosophy being that ‘I’m his and only his and he controls sex in our relationship’ mine being a general feeling that ‘it’s just not the number one thing in my life right now’.

 

The problem stems from the times when I reject the idea of sex. Then the monster comes out… he can react in any number of ways. Anger, frustration, ignoring me, an argument and accusing me of not being attracted to him anymore, even accusations that I just want to fuck other men. One night he even left the house at 1am because I didn’t feel like having sex. When we used to date other couples it was worse. Because to him a date meant automatically that it would end with sex! Regardless to how the date had gone for me. On those occasions all hell would break loose. I think that experiencing these reactions has made me less inclined to want sex nowadays which is not helping matters but is a knock on effect. It’s only been since swinging that I’ve started to notice these things. Sex just the two of us and swinging was exciting and intimate but has turned into an assumption!

 

And the thing that frustrates me the most is knowing that I’m so much more that who I am in the bedroom. I’m 40 years old and I’m finally going back to school to finish the education I ran away from all those years ago. I’ve started a new job that I’m so happy about. Our children are growing into such beautiful and vibrant and busy little people and there’s so much fun and joy to be had in our lives, all of which seem to wash over him. It’s like unless sex is on the cards he lacks interest.

 

For me now there’s a lot of pressure involved in having sex. He will always try and is always ready which just makes me not that interested. I’ve asked him to slow things down and give me space to find myself in all of this and that the fundamental attraction and desire for him are still in me and always will be but this is met with a total disconnect between us. There’s no middle ground which hurts a little bit.

 

I’ve stopped sharing my fantasies with him, I’ve stopped texting him asking him to come home early, I’ve stopped talking about sex. Not because I no longer want those things but because when I don’t do them, he checks out! And my feelings are that in order to love me physically he must also love me, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I think I feel a little taken for granted.

 

I don’t know where this will go and where it will end. I’ve tried explaining to him how it feels for me when I’m in a place where I need my husband to stand up and hold things together because I’m emotional, sad, depressed, busy, frustrated or any number of wonderful emotions he gets to share with me. But he just accuses me of being, disrespectful, cold, hard or disconnected and turns his back.

 

Is this the monster you were referring to because sometimes it feels like I live with one!

 

I would be concerned if my lady felt the way you feel toward your husband. It sounds like you don't love him anymore, because you are willing to sacrifice his feelings for your own fun. When your having sex with other guys and not having it at home, that is a red flag for any spouse. Perhaps you should step back from the lifestyle while you guys work through his issue. Not having sex with him is like adding gasoline to a fire. He needs you to step back and show him love and preference to him rather than the lifestyle. I get the feeling from your words, you would rather leave him than the lifestyle. Maybe I am wrong, just my 2 cents.

[Mbgdallas 203]

I am concerned that you are in the lifestyle at all. It is obvious that the two of you don't communicate well and that is the number one necessity of this lifestyle.

 

I get not being as attracted to your spouse as to others. It is simply new relationship energy. The explorations of new things easily makes it more attractive. The two of you need to talk about that and understand what is going on.

 

Counseling is also in order. You need to understand that to a guy intimacy is all about sex. He needs to understand that to a woman intimacy is much much more than sex. Once you BOTH get this picture then you can work to help each other. Either one of you are on the same page right now as far as that goes. I had to understand what I needed to do to make my wife want to have sex. More intimacy on her terms. She needs to understand why it is not second nature to me. Now we do and things are progressing well.

 

Good luck.