Swinging with a Reluctant Friend

[hypnicjerk 17]

A friend and I have been flirting with each other for over a decade. I have been with my husband all during this time. DH recently decided that he wanted me to sleep with other men, so my friend and I started taking things to the next level. First, we kissed. After that, my friend got a lot weirder about flirting. He doesn't respond nearly so much. He goes through periods of not responding and then times where he demands to sext. He said he didn't think he could handle having sex with me (basically indicating that he didn't want to develop feelings for me and screw everything up). We just had sex a few days ago despite his reservations, and now he's completely shut down on me. He's hardly talking to me and not responding to flirting at all. He wants to be very noncommittal about any more-than-friends activities we do and he won't even kiss me with gusto. We didn't kiss at all during sex.

 

I understand that he's trying to protect himself, but...his indifference doesn't make me feel very good. I want to continue to explore a sexual relationship with him, but I don't know how to get him to connect with me. I know there are risks to this, but I'm not trying to catch feelings for him, either. I just want some passion! I also feel like it would be hard for us to go back to being just friends now that we've started down this path. We work together and see each other often. Would love any advice. TIA.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Honestly, I don't know if my advice will be helpful, as I've never been in this situation. But, here goes!

 

He was reluctant and worried your relationship would be adversely affected, and that has become a self-fulfilled prophesy.

 

Probably it's best to lay low and give him time to work through his feelings. Let him know you enjoyed sex and would be up for it again in the future, but his peace of mind and your friendship/working relationship are more important than sex. Don't sext him, don't try to kiss him or be alone with him. Let him work through his issues of having sex with you/a married woman. Maybe he'll come back to you in time. Pushing it can only backfire in my opinion.

 

In the future only have sex with people who are confident and comfortable with your relationship dynamic.

[hypnicjerk 17]

Thank you, funcoupledayton. That's good, solid advice. I'll give him some space right now and hope he'll be willing to hash things out after some time has passed.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

You are correct. There are risks. I suspect your friend is one of those who fears intimacy and commitment. After knowing you so many years "commitment" is flashing in his head.

 

I have questions. What process led your husband to suggest that you should sleep with other men? Did he have your other man friend specifically in mind when he said this? Or is his suggestion about men in general? Is he aware of what all is going on between you and your man friend?

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Hello, hypnicjerk, and welcome to SwingersBoard. I see that you have dived in with a big question!

 

SW_PA_Couple has asked some great questions, and the advice you got from funcoupledayton sounds on target as well. I would only add that, while you are talking with your husband about SW_PA_Couple's questions, it might be worth it to explore with him what he wants to get out of this adventure in non-manogamy that you have started on.

 

Does he get turned on by the idea of you having sex with other men? Does he ever want to be in the room watching, maybe participating along with the other guy, or is he thinking only about you having sex with another guy on your own?

 

Does he feel that he is giving you permission to get something elsewhere that you are not getting at home? I ask that because you mentioned wanting some passion in your play with the other guy.

 

Also, is he looking to have sex with other women at some point? Would you be OK with that? If he is thinking along those lines, and not sharing that with you at the moment, he could be looking for a quid pro quo at some point down the road.

 

How do you feel about the idea of having sex with other guys, other than this long-time friend? Are you interested in the idea generally, or are you interested specifically in this particular guy?

 

I hope that your friendship with this guy is not permanently damaged due to this incident. Swinging is fraught with dangers all on its own, and is even more of a minefield when friends and co-workers are involved. We have not run into a scenario where the option of playing with people we've been friends with "on a non-swinger basis" has come up. But I think the general feeling among those in the lifestyle is that they try to avoid this kind of situation, just because of the possibility of ruining a friendship.

 

Good luck to you, and keep talking with your husband!

[cplnuswing 4,713]

One of the truisms you see here a lot is "it's better to make friends out of swingers than to make swingers out of friends". It would be an overstatement to say it's impossible to get it to work, but in general, it often doesn't. I think it's got to do with the dynamic of the relationship. Swinging is a powerful thing, and when you insert it into an established friend relationship, it can change the dynamic there in all sorts of unpredictable ways, and those may take some time to all fully develop. I think that is where you are now, he's trying to process all of this and as said above, the best thing to do is to just give it time to develop naturally on its own without trying to push it any particular direction, which will likely make things even more difficult.

 

Sometimes doing nothing is the hardest thing of all, but since you care about the friendship, that is probably what needs to happen here.

[Alura 2,775]

Welcome from Oklahoma, Hypnicjerk! I can't add anything substantially different from the above advice. I would say, however, that deeper communication with both your friend and your husband are needed. Ask them some of the same questions the members have asked you. Delve into your own motives, as well.

[longun45 115]

I am reminded of a situation I was in while single. A Coworker I knew fairly well asked if I would come over and tape her and her boy friend having sex. Now this was a woman who you could consider "wild" and she loved sex, a lot. There was not much she did not do. Now I flirted with many of the females at work and did get some of them in bed. This particular time I only did oral on her and declined intercourse and then taped them having sex. She came to me later and said that she was glad we did not have sex as she would have felt weird working with me afterwards. We continued to flirt and have fun, but not nearly as much.

 

It sounds like you crossed that line and he now has no idea what the relationship between you is. He does not want try and reach for the unreachable, the unavailable. That is an exercise in futility and pain. He is now in a conundrum of mixed emotions and needs to resolve them and his feelings. It is easier to cut off a hurt than to deal with it.

 

In short you ran into someone who could not say no and you overran his boundaries, now he volunteered but now he is questioning his boundaries. He could not back down from the flirts, that would have been too costly. Now if you want to do him a favor, build him up when you can (no, no more flirting) and know that what happened will most likely NOT be repeated.

 

I hope it works out well for you. And welcome to the board.

[hypnicjerk 17]

Wow, I really appreciate everyone taking the time to reply and crafting such great responses. Thank you so much. Let me see...

 

DH gets turned on by the idea of me having sex with other men, yes. He would probably like to watch in the future. He would prefer it if I slept with strangers but we agreed I could start off with someone I know. My friend was there, he was safe, he was (somewhat) willing...but now I see that just because he was there for the taking didn't mean it made things easier. Otherwise, my marital sex life is great and passionate. I'm open to DH having sex with other women, too, but we're starting out slow. It is extremely difficult for me to be attracted to a man whom I don't know because I care nothing about a man's physical appearance. longun45, thanks for sharing your past experience.

 

We aren't close friends, so I didn't think it would be so tricky. I just didn't think, I guess. I believe I need to have some kind of discussion with my friend right now. I can tell him I enjoyed the sex, but we by no means have to do it again if he doesn't think it's a good idea. We have started talking again, but about inane things, and have ignored the subject of sex at all. I will keep the board posted.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Hypnicjerk, thanks for the additional insights into your situation and feeling about what you two would like to do.

 

I think I understand your approach in terms of not caring so much about a guy's physical appearance. If you are not going to be turned on by just a guy's looks, you need something else to be interested in! Naturally, when you already know someone, you already have other aspects to that person that you know you find attractive. But I'd like to think that you will be able to find some attraction even when meeting new people. You can certainly meet without having sex a couple of times, get to know a person, find out something about them, and then decide whether you're attracted to them.

 

The two of you could try meeting some couples in this way, and maybe you'll get lucky and find a couple where both of you like both of the other people! It has happened for the Mrs. and me many times. And now, after a little more than a year in the lifestyle, we have many good friends, who we also like playing with naked!

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Of course there is also the chance that he was flirting with you because he was interested in having a relationship with you...not just a sexual one but a REAL relationship. What you offered was something, but after the event, not what he wanted.

[couplers 4,726]

Sorry if I missed it, but is your friend aware that your husband knows, approves, and encourages you two playing together? If not, that may be the source of his consternation.

[hypnicjerk 17]

CoupleInMD79, I like the idea of making friends and meeting couples in the way you suggested. My friend is aware that my husband is aware of/encourages play...and he didn't really want to talk about that/reference it. That was already a red flag right there!

[longun45 115]

hypnicjerk WE live and learn. We make mistakes and learn about ourselves and others. That is life welcome to the Crew.