Jump to content
UnsureFuture15

Husband Upset at Lack of Opportunities because of Kid

Recommended Posts

We've been in the lifestyle on and off for six years. Stopped during pregnancy and first two years of child's life. Lately he's been getting mad that we can't swing every weekend. When we discussed getting back into the lifestyle, I said maybe one to two weekends a month. He agreed. Now he gets angry that we get messages about parties or guys that want to meet up, but we can't because his mom or my mom can't babysit overnight on short notice. Our mom's are great babysitters and love to, but I don't think it's fair to call them Saturday morning to ask if they can have a sleepover Saturday night. Also, my husband won't ask his mom, so I have to.

 

The example that has me livid with him occurred last night.

Him "so my mom can't babysit tomorrow night? "

Me "no, she has your niece all day tomorrow"

Him "well did you ask?"

Me "no, because she said 'I'm going to be exhausted Saturday because I'm going to have ivy all day. So it'd be hard to have a sleepover'"

Him "well you should ask her"

Me "why? "

Him "there's a party tomorrow night"

Me "I don't want to pressure your mom if she has ivy scheduled, especially since your mom is having a sleepover with our daughter next weekend. "

Him "fine, whatever. Don't you know anyone else who can babysit?"

Me "my parents are our of town. Your sister can't (she has a heart condition), can you think of anyone? "

Him "no, I guess our night is ruined. "

Me "when my sister is back from overseas she can."

Him " that doesn't help us right now, does it? "

Me "sorry"

 

 

From that point on, he didn't talk to me for the rest of the night. He was the one who wanted to start trying for kids when got married and now he's mad that we can't swing every weekend. I don't trust non family babysitters. Next weekend, I'm suppossed to take him on a ghost investigation for his birthday, but I feel like I should just cancel it so he can plan some swinging thing since that's all he cares about anymore.

 

Am I overreacting in his behavior last night?

 

Thanks in advance.

Share this post


Link to post

He's also been mad lately that I'm not as active as he is on our profiles, but I work a full time job, go to school full time, and do all the care for our child. I try not to let it bother me, but it does.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

UnsureFuture15:

 

A couple of things. He sounds spoiled. It sounds like he had a tantrum.

As a parent we know to ignore the tantrum and they will burn themselves out, we never reward tantrums. Rewards come from proper behavior.

 

Otherwise it is time for him to fulfill the requirements that have to be satisfied for successful outing.

1. Schedule ahead - Planning is a lot easier than flying by the seat of your pants. This allows plenty of time to schedule one of your parents, if you know of others who swing and have kids that can babysit you have another source for babysitters. Develop other sources for babysitters as you know parents get burned out.

2. Find couples to swing with outside of parties and have fun at home. A regular couple attracts less attention that new couple all the time. Scheduling would be a bit easier as well - no babysitter. You should already have the little one in a set schedule of when it is bath time, dinner time and bedtime. Kids do best on a schedule and They sleep pretty soundly. At best this would allow a few years. Stopping home entertaining when they get into school. Yes, I can hear the resistance to this idea but it is one possible solution.

 

Let him know that since you have 4 jobs,(4 jobs,1. mommy,2. job,3. school,4. him.) he should do the scouting of the profiles and trim the list down to what you might like and for you to approve - he should be able to cut it down to 5-6 easily. Since he is the one who wants back in so badly he must do the work. He needs to be able to schedule ahead with the parents, Plan the outing. Only allow for 1 maybe two outings for entertainment a month. He sounds motivated to play but may lack the direction or confidence on how to get it to happen when it comes to talking with the parents. He needs to learn to ask for help. Be sure and flirt with him on the scheduling and other items as an incentive.

 

I can predict that you will most likely meet resistance to this idea. But use "Could you" to preface the questions instead of "you need to". Remind him gently that you now have a 3rd non swinger in your home and your( him and you) obligation is to their care. That since you are in school, working, and household chores and need his help to schedule your fun times. Otherwise you are just too tired schedule everything out and likely it won't happen. And if Momma is not happy then nobody's happy.

 

These are just ideas. My way of looking at things. If you don't think it worthwhile that is fine, I don't own it.

 

It really sounds like he is ready to grow up, but does not want to. I cannot fault him for that, but it is time for him to cowboy up and ride that bull. Occasionally you might consider raping him, tie him up and rape him repeatedly. I think he needs to feel your lust so that he knows he is desireable. Don't go easy on him but make it fun for both of you, and put him up wet.

Share this post


Link to post

Thank you everyone. I'm glad to hear I'm not crazy in being upset with his tantrum.

 

I gladly accept all your suggestions and will be setting up ground rules with him tonight. I accept any other rules or guidance you all have.

 

I'm going to let him know I feel two nights a month, planned at the beginning of the month is sufficient for the LS. If we get to a point where we met one or more couples that we are comfortable with and would like for them to become a regular relationship, we can discuss the possibility of bringing them into our home after bedtime for further Meetups.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

I agree with the comments above, and have another thought:

 

I'm not being flip, but ask your husband if he will watch your children while you have a play session. Not bragging, but my husband would do that for me (actually, he does do that for me in the context of my boyfriend in our poly family), be happy about it, and share in my joy.

Share this post


Link to post

So you have a job, a two year old and are going to school?

 

You also refuse to have any one watch your children besides your family?

 

I would say your husband's idea's are unrealistic, getting an overnight sitter on Saturday morning for Saturday night.

 

I would also say aren't yours as well? What time do you have for the relationship with your husband?

 

Would you prefer your husband go to work and tag team spending time with your daughter? I tried that with my EX, I wouldn't recommend it.

 

Good luck sorting this out.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
...and do all the care for our child...

 

I do not know all your circumstances. But, this sent up a huge red flag for me. If he's not willing to participate in taking care of the child he made with you, there are serious problems that need to be addressed as soon as possible, and in a reasonable, rational way. The idea that fathers are people who are rarely around, bring home a paycheck, and hang out at the local watering hole five nights a week has been long, long dead.

 

My wife and I have a couple of kids. We got into swinging after both were born, but both still quite young. It was a real trick to try to find someone to babysit for us, in part because one of our children has a medical condition that means that anyone who watches her has to have a clue about how to manage it. It isn't something you can just hire your local teenager for. So, this but a serious crimp in our lifestyle options. We've been swinging for seven years now. We both love it. But, the times when we can both go out together are not that frequent. We appreciate the times we can.

 

I agree with Couplers in that allowing one or the other spouse to go out and play solo is an option. It's worked quite well for us. Yes, I thoroughly enjoy watching my wife have sex with someone else, but I also enjoy her getting to play period, even if I'm not there. She's happy, I'm happy, we're all happy.

 

We make it work.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post

:redflag:

I have to agree that you two should STOP swinging and work on your relationship immediately. We are not nearly as busy as you are and we also limit or activities to once a month. This is a hobby for us, not something that we HAVE to do. If my SO said that we need to take a break or slow down, I wouldn't hesitate to do it. It just sounds like there are other problems here and he is placing way too high of importance on swinging. I think that you two need to do some talking. We wish you the best.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post

Wow. You've got a lot on your plate. I'm in your boat minus the kid and the husband screaming to swing every weekend. I can't imagine adding a kid to that mix and I'd certainly have to have some outside help. How do you manage work and school without an outside sitter? Do your moms watch the baby during those times? If so, I can't say I blame you for feeling reluctant to add overnight babysitting to that mix.

 

I have to agree with an earlier comment that perhaps you both have unrealistic expectations and need to work on somethings - starting with your relationship. That said, regardless of the babysitter situation IMO swinging every weekend just isn't realistic and isn't really good for your relationship - especially when you have so much else going on. As someone else said, when do you have time for each other?

 

Perhaps that's what this argument is really all about? How often are the two of you having sex with each other (without swinging involved)? Is it possible that it's most often when you swing and he sees swinging as the way to spend time together and have sex without the baby around? If that's the only time the two of you are spending together sexually then he may have connected those two things in his brain and it may be time to disconnect them by showing him that you don't have to swing to spend time together sexually. It may also be that that's the only time you get overnights without the baby and he needs more time with just you, without distractions of baby and school.

 

I don't know and those are just ideas that came to my mind as I read. The only way to know for sure is to really sit down and talk it out with him. If he won't talk about it you have an even bigger problem and may need counseling.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post

Hell, me and Red were co-hosts for swingers house parties of upto 40-50 people and we didn't even get out every month. Plus the main host couple planned parties a lot around our mandatory child care schedule. Our most busy year might have been 4-5 parties and maybe 2 club visits. Basically every other month but not every time was a hookup either.( see signature below)

 

I agree with the suggestion that if your husband was really into it and down for the lifestyle, that he would allow you to go play while he watched the child. And thinning down the email notices along with planning ahead could help too.

 

Good luck,

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Similar Content

    • By Jocarter8183
      My wife and I love skinny dipping after our youngest is in bed. We have a daughter in college that comes home on some weekends.

      One weekend recently, she surprised us by coming home early after being out with friends and caught my wife and I in the pool, no swim suits of course. She wasn’t freaked out, she actually was cool about it and hung out by the pool a while. She asked if we would mind if she got in for a swim, we said of course. She went in the house(we thought to get in a swim suit of course)  and she came back out wearing a towel which she soon revealed that she also was nude. She is 20 by the way. She said since  we were skinny dipping it would be ok for her to as well. My wife was totally fine with it. I’m ok with it, it just caught me by surprise and off guard to say the least  to the point where I couldn’t look at her at first since it was my daughter. That went away after a bit.
       
      This is the first time she’s went completely nude with us. My wife and I go nude around the house all the time and she would just go around in a T-shirt and panties when she lived at home and when she comes home now. She never had shown an interest in anything more than that before. Am I just over reacting since it was the first time she’s done that and I’m trying to process it? She’s been a free spirit since she was little,  so it shouldn’t be a surprise to me. She knows we’re swingers and we’re both bisexual and she thinks that’s awesome, so I don’t know why I reacted the way I did with the skinny dipping. Any ideas and opinions are welcome
    • By couplers
      Hello, Petra here again with an update on our family situation, which currently consists of my husband, Clair, me, Red, our son Junior, our daughter Petunia (Clair's, mine and hubby's), along with Lora who is a lover to hubby, a sex partner for all of us, and sort of a permanent guest, like one of the family. I generally avoid talking about two things at work - houses and kids because people usually go on about them too much, but you folks here might be interested because of our poly/sexual situation.
       
      Clair has been pushing the idea that we should get on with our personal lives instead of putting work first. She has pretty much already done that, devoting herself to Junior and Petunia over her career. Lora has been great with the children as well. Clair especially wants to have another child (she wants both of us to become pregnant at the same time again, like last time). I agree with her. I enjoy being a mom, especially being so bonded with Clair in all of this, and I have proven to my own satisfaction my competence at my "job". At first it was mostly skill, both technical and managerial, but now I am into the ranks where politics play much more into it. I'm good at it, but proving myself in that BS isn't satisfying.
       
      One project we've been working on is getting a new house. Clair, hubby, the children and I (and Lora most of the time) currently live in a house that we bought when it was just David and I. The next place will need to have room for us, plus the future children we plan to have. We all agree that Red must be next to us, but not in the same house, in order to accommodate his working habits and situation. Especially since Red will be the father of my next child, he needs to be right next to us when his help is needed. We've looked at a number of places with and it comes down to either a place with "mother-in-law" quarters plus a garage for Red, or two adjacent properties (next to each other or back to back) that are the right sizes. That would be more of a pain to work out, buying two places and building a breezeway for Red (or digging a tunnel, as hubby suggests).
       
      It is both thrilling and frightening to think about getting another home, however it may be configured, and having more children. But without a doubt, we're all in it for the long haul.
    • By D&D
      This exchange is interesting to me, for reasons I state below. I didn't want to derail that thread.
       
      Quote Originally Posted by WesternSwing
      "Although initially we were secretive, as we moved more into polyamorous relationships it was more difficult to keep things secret without excluding our other partners and making them feel terrible or unimportant. These days I don't broadcast my relationships, but I don't keep them secret, either. All my family know that I live with my partner and her husband and that I have another partner, also. Both my partners come to my office and visit and I go to lunch with both, sometimes at the same time. Coworkers either don't suspect anything, don't want to ask or don't care. All my partners and their families are welcome at my family's functions, also. It feels good to be "out" and just lived life as I want to.
       
       
      From Drinnt:
       
      THAT must be an amazing feeling! My wife and I are 6 months into what has become and exclusive polyamorous relationship. They have a family and kids and discretion is important to them. We have no kids and frankly would LOVE my family and friends to know so we could have our lovers around and involved in our extended "non secret" lives. Our family and friends KNOW about our lover couple but they think they are vanilla friends...maybe they suspect something but it's never discussed. I just think it would be an amazing feeling to be OUT with it. "
       
       
      Over the last year I have become become close with a very fun and enjoyable woman. Started as a swinging but progressed past a sexual attraction very quickly. She and her longtime boyfriend and my wife have also become close friends, although not romantic. Together we are great friends and do a lot of vanilla stuff together. It's not a poly relationship between all four of us, my wife and he have no feelings beyond friendship for each other. Nothing is hidden between us adults, but we haven't shared anything with our kids. They have no kids, we have two. Frankly, it is difficult at times to keep up the facade that nothing is going between her and I. Teenagers are more perceptive than we think. My son, who is 18, knows we swing, but he doesn't know or at least hasn't let on that he knows about our poly relationship. Our 12 year old daughter knows nothing about swinging or anything beyond the fact that we have some close friends. However it is going to be difficult to keep from her long term. Sometimes my wife says we should come out and tell the kids whats going so we don't have to tip-toe around anything. Her take on this is colored her gay brother who is "out" to the siblings but not to his parents. It causes a lot of grief and stress explaining why he is 48 and never married. (his mother probably knows but they all prefer to ignore it.) She thinks he should just tell her. What experiences have you with coming out? What pitfalls to avoid? Should we just stay closeted and enjoy it for what it is?
    • By imacougarlady
      Female half of a poly couple here. My hubby of seven years and I have recently welcomed Angie (a 25 year old woman) into our marriage. We have a very busy household with our 2 small children (3 and 5 year old boys). Angie is now expecting my hubby's first child. We are all excited about her pregnancy. She is now 7 months and hubby is very excited for sure. How do others tell their existing children about the impending arrival??
×
×
  • Create New...