Non-swinging friends and their opinions

[ORcoastCpl 23]

We were at non swinger friends' house for their son's birthday party. This couple has been our closest friends for almost 20 years. They went to high school with hubby, and our kids are now growing up together. The other couple there was my best friend from high school and his wife. These are the two couples that we spend time with more than anyone else.

 

We were sitting around talking when someone brought up another couple we know that apparently swings. They all started talking about how weird and disgusting it was that they would go out and sleep with someone else. My heart dropped. They weren't talking about us, because no one has any idea of what we've been up to, but it was like a slap in the face to hear them saying those things and the disgust in their voices

 

Hubby says we should just tell them and explain things, like the rules we have and what not, and if they can't accept that part of us then who cares.

 

I'm afraid it'll create a permanent weirdness because I feel they'll never accept that part of our lives, I don't want to lose my best friends!

 

Anyone else been in a similar situation? What do you think about telling them vs keeping our mouths shut? We hate hiding things, we are who we are....I don't know....

[two4youinswva 3,068]

For us, this is one of those things that we'd keep to ourselves, and have kept to ourselves in most instances. I look at it this way; I don't share a variety of personal things with many of my friends, and swinging happens to be one of those things.

 

There are some good people out there that just don't get swinging, and they probably never will. That's OK. Enjoy the friendship for what it is, and have your own inside giggle when they express dismay at the swinging thing that "those people" do.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

We don't have all that many close vanilla friends-- honestly, our swinger friends are the ones we feel closest to. But we do have one vanilla friend, exactly one (well, plus her husband), who we have told about our lifestyle. This is somebody with whom I've felt comfortable discussing some very personal topics, including sex, and she has been similarly comfortable. My wife met her over a long breakfast one day, and after that, we agreed that it would be OK to discuss our swinging with this person. Funnily enough, after I told her about our lifestyle, she said that she had suspected something like that, because our general conversations about sex were so open and relaxed. And I gotta admit, It's kinda nice having somebody "on the outside" that we can talk to! Obviously, she does not pass judgement on our lifestyle- we would not have told her had we felt she would be prone to judge us harshly, or (mainly) would have any trouble keeping our conversations to herself.

[ZoDee 81]

Yes, I'd keep it completely to yourselves.

Keep the topic for discussion here with like minded folks.

 

No discussion is likely to get a positive reaction.

 

They'd need to show positive interest themselves before it would be remotely worth approaching the topic.

Then they would maybe realise that it's quite normal people that choose to swing.

 

That was MrsZ's biggest realisation when we first started meeting other couples, they were simply ordinary people, & most very nice.

[bbarnsworth 2,652]

My wife and I would not share our swinging status with either of those couples. The reality is that there are very few friends we ever have in this life that we share _everything_ with. Generally speaking, if we're lucky, that friend is our spouse. So, with other friends they always only know a subset of you, not the entire picture.

 

If you have two disparate hobbies, say golfing and spelunking, you might bore the hell out of your spelunker crowd by regaling them with tales of the greens. Similar, you might bore the hell out of the golfers with your tales of the, uh, 'browns'. Let's pick something else; if you're church goers, your fellow regular attendees might come to know more about you. You share some meals with them, light conversation, etc. If you want to keep going to that church, sharing your status as a swinger with them would generally not be conducive to that. At least, in most churches. If you're a teacher, you don't share your personal lives with anyone. Even if you're not a swinger, chances are sharing anything about your personal life will eventually lead to you getting fired.

 

So, we all do this; we pick what portion of ourselves we display for a given audience.

 

Here's another way of looking at it; what possible gain could there be from telling them? You won't change their opinions of swinging. If you want to maintain your friendship with them, then telling them is a sure fire way to undermine that hope. If, on the other hand, you don't care if you lose them as friends and they can't have much of a negative impact on your lives outside of the friendship (say, work), then attempting to educate them might have some positive benefits. But, you'll still lose the friendship.

 

The world in general has a distorted view of swinging. I think we all know this. I had it too, years ago. I thought swingers were disgusting, disease ridden people who couldn't find true happiness in their relationships and were desperate for validation outside. I thought swinging sad, empty. That's probably what most people think, and there's really not much changing it. Swinging is far, far less acceptable in mainstream society than cheating. People can accept cheating; lots of people do it, so much so that it seems 'normal'. We've probably all read stories of how friends want to hear the lurid details of a cheating escapade. But, inform the same friends it wasn't cheating...that you had permission?

[cplnuswing 4,713]

We keep it to ourselves. Like others, even with close friends we don't feel the need to tell them everything about us from A-Z, just like they don't feel the need to tell us their personal business A-Z. We have had the subject come up a few times in similar situations, although it was more just trading of suburban legend, fun party talk. Some of it they had fairly accurate, some of it not. We just sit there and listen, drop in an occasional "hmmmm" or "huh" every now and then just to show we are still awake, and avoid anything further.

 

Regarding the conversation, I can see how that stuff would hit a sore spot. But, look at it like this - you don't know what they really think...it may be just that bad, or it may not (or maybe they even have some secrets of their own ). From what I've seen with a lot of people, when they get together in a group, there seems to be a lot of striving to go along with the crowd/conventional wisdom, maintaining appearances, and trying to show what a fine outstanding citizen and trustworthy member of the tribe they are. Just try to enjoy them as friends for the reasons that made you friends to start with, and on this other stuff, try not take everything they say in a group setting at face value and to heart.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Hubby says we should just tell them and explain things...and if they can't accept that part of us then who cares.

 

We hate hiding things, we are who we are.

 

I remember when we first started swinging, I had these same sentiments. I wanted to give a big "F*** you!" to those who viewed swinging in such a negative way and a part of me really did want to cut ties with people who wouldn't accept us as swingers because of their closed-mindedness.

 

I'd like to think I've mellowed a bit on it but I'm not entirely sure I have. I do have to say, this site has been a godsend in being able to talk about swinging when we couldn't talk about it to anyone else in our lives.

[ZoDee 81]

 

If you have two disparate hobbies, say golfing and spelunking, you might bore the hell out of your spelunker crowd by regaling them with tales of the greens.......

 

 

Lol,

 

"Golf" brought this to mind....

 

I've always been one that's said on occasions in the past,

 

"Don't understand why Sex isn't like Tennis, Cricket, Golf or whatever, where a few people can join in...."

My partner never saw a serious side to this statement.

But now that we are a part of that Lifestyle, sees where I was coming from & totally agrees.

 

Guess my minds always been wired that way.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I wouldn't tell them. It will make things weird even if they are accepting. I've had it happen twice with vanilla friends. It's just really difficult for people to understand unless they've been through the process of opening a marriage and getting involved in swinging themselves.

 

You could say, "I was watching this tv show or reading this book..." and then tell the good things about the lifestyle in a non-personal way.

 

I am pretty open about it with new people I meet, depending on the circumstance, but that is different than people you've known for a long time.

[Mbgdallas 203]

I remember when we first started swinging, I had these same sentiments. I wanted to give a big "F*** you!" to those who viewed swinging in such a negative way and a part of me really did want to cut ties with people who wouldn't accept us as swingers because of their closed-mindedness.

 

I'd like to think I've mellowed a bit on it but I'm not entirely sure I have. I do have to say, this site has been a godsend in being able to talk about swinging when we couldn't talk about it to anyone else in our lives.

 

Also think I might have the same reaction to someone of the opposite political persuasion too. Best not talk sex or politics with your friends if you think, they may be different.

[intuition897 2,179]

Recently had this same situation come up with my coworkers. I sat tight, bleeding at the lips and tongue, trying to keep from saying anything. The truth is, they can't handle it. I can't tell them about my and Mr. intuition's lifestyle without their intensely closed minds exploding. It's sad, really. I have gone so far as stating my opinion that consenting adults will do what consenting adults will do, and that I don't see anything wrong with it. How hard you want to argue that point will depend on your friends, and on how committed you are to keeping them.

[MrDiscover 802]

All good advice above, I can only add: you did not tell them the truth before, why doing it now after it has been spoken bad of? Just to set things right? The chance of them realizing it is not as bad as they thought if you were revealing that you are swingers too is small, the chance they will see you in the light of their established negative opinion about swinging is big. Keep it to yourselves and keep enjoying your vanilla friendship.

[cplnluv1 874]

Politics, religion and sex. We all have opinions and thoughts. I hate when a political friend makes comments about others because their politics are different. They may think their view makes the best sense while others think theirs does. In religion, why is their religion right? It is right for them and probably the comments they made about swinging is based somewhere in their religious beliefs. I know you don't want to confront them but are all their actions going to keep them out of "hell". Why do they decide what is right and wrong? Most of us are hypocritical to some degree. Let them have their thoughts. let them be righteous as they cheat the government on their taxes, tell a little lie here or there,

[longun45 115]

As in many things you milage will vary. Politics, economics, religion, sex are all matters of education and upbringing. Personally I feel we are working towards a more restrictive society that prizes conformity, not open tolerance on things that do not matter to the individual. There is pressure to conform to what is not tolerable, yet many go along to get along.

 

Jefferson said that "if it does not break my leg or pick my pocket it doesn't concern me." (words to that effect)

 

With all things personal, sexual preference and choice are a matter of what feels good and that is highly subjective to each individual. You friends have opinions that work for them and you should let them have those opinions, you do not subscribe to them and they take them out of comfort. By challenging their opinion you place them in a very bad spot and have to reevaluate either their opinion or the friendship.

 

If you feel the need to disclose to your friends, wait for them to bring it up and then do it sideways. Example - It sounds like fun. or It sounds like having my cake and eating it too. And then let the matter drop. If pressed further just say "I like sex, what can I say"

 

Just an opinion

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

First of all, what I would have done at the time this was happening was said something like "Different strokes for different folks" and pointed out that while I don't think we could ever do something like that, that they can and not have any problems with it is great...and followed it with something like how I'll have to see if next time they need anyone to run the cameras. Followed by how what anyone chooses to do in their bedroom is fine with me and if I don't like what they are doing, I just won't watch anymore.

 

But now that it is over, you need to just let it go and not worry about it (unless they bring it back up). If you bring it up then they will know that there's more to this story. Just let it go...

[EastInWest 1,524]

Since we aren't active swingers, I can't speak to it from that point of view, but in general, as far as the conversation goes:

 

- I wouldn't tell these people unless you want them to tell everybody. They are proven gossips who bad-mouth others behind their backs. That doesn't make them bad people, we all slip into this mode from time to time, but you've already seen how they react.

 

- There's a saying I heard: "Don't break the lock on someone's closet unless you're ready for them to break the lock on yours." I doubt that anybody has a truly vanilla, conforming life that they would be comfortable opening to the world. Some places, some people will put you on blast for having a second drink in the evening. Plus, most people who spread rumors don't know enough about the situations they're describing that they should be carrying on like experts in the first place.

 

You aren't hiding anything. It's just none of their business. That's what I would say if I were in your position: you're at a child's birthday party and you're really not comfortable gossiping and being judgmental about the preferences of others behind their backs. It's none of your business, you weren't there to know if it's true or not, and it smacks of high school bullying.

 

If that makes your friends feel embarrassed, well, it should. As it stands, I'd just let it go, as has already been said.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Most couples/people have sexual fantasies. Most couples/people don't have a relationship strong enough to where they can share these fantasies with their spouse. Most couples/people (especially men) fantasize about being in a threesome or moresome. The only real difference between most couples/people are that some of us have good and strong enough relationships so we CAN share these fantasies and take actions to FULFILL them. For those who can't do this, they are called vanilla. For those who can, they are called (by the vanilla people) strange, deviant, perverted, freaks, swingers. Who really HAS the better relationship, who is really being honest and open with their partner, who is it that secretly wishes they could be the ones doing these things?

 

Who is it that I feel sad for?

[Guest sandraandalex]

Most people are not psychologically wired for this. You cannot change it. They won't understand because they cannot understand. They are very dependent on their systems and they will fight to protect them. I had lunch with a galpal recently and the topic of swinging came up. Now, this is a woman who had sexual affairs in her previous marriage. She went on how 'disgusting ' swinging was. I replied that,"I'll say one thing for it, it's honest and genuine and no one is sneaking around lying". It just got real quiet after that. You cannot ask someone to do algebra if they can't even count. That being said, I would not tell a group of people. An individual, perhaps. People in groups, when you're the one thinking differently, are scary things.

[ORcoastCpl 23]

Thank you so much for your opinions and advice! This is exactly why we're here, to learn and get advice from people that have been in similar circumstances. We took everything into consideration and decided to tell one of the couples, it went really good. They were open to a different perspective and told us that if it makes us happy then they're fine with it. I'm relieved and feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, this was the couple that lives closest to us and we spend the most time with, to be able to be myself and not have to hide anything is important to me. The male half has been my best friend since we were 10 and he knew something was up, I trust him with my life. As for the other couple, we have decided not to say anything to them. We're pretty sure the female half would be accepting but the male half is another story. Best to keep things as is with them.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

ORcoastCpl, I'm very happy things have worked out for you! It's good that you were able to feel out the situation and decide who would be good to talk to. I understand your feeling of relief- I was similarly relieved when I told my friend, and she had a good reaction.

 

I wonder if your friends are going to want to keep the conversation going? My friend is often very curious about how swinging works, and it's been fun telling her about it!