Aquarius 37 Posted November 3, 2015 First I would like to say that this site has been very helpful in my search to gain knowledge in the Swinging Community ... most all of the posts and answers have very thoughtful and respectful ... My interest in swinging has been with me my whole adult life but just recently have I felt comfortable in communicating it to my wife. We have been married 14 wonderful years I am 45 and she is 35 and have had an excellent marriage and awesome sex life But I have always wanted to share my beautiful wife (5'6 115' she perfect to me head to toe), the thought of watching her with a kind respectful person, whether it's a male or female drives me crazy!!! When I told her this she was shocked and seemed insecure about why I would want this ... I have not pushed the issue out of respect for her but I planted the seed and have trusted her with my desire. I know that at least she has given my request thought since she has enjoyed many nights with me role-playing my fantasy with her toys!!! She has also watched with me swinger and 3some porn and has enjoyed her toys while watching!! My first question is to the ladies on what your thought process was when you were approached with this by your husband and how long did it take for you to decide??? My second question is is she considering my request by the fact she is allowing the role playing and porn play??? Thanks Quote Share this post Link to post
SW_PA_Couple 4,022 Posted November 3, 2015 I am not a lady but I will none-the-less make an observation. Porn is not a path to swinger heaven. There is this distinct possibility that she will interpret your proposal to get into swing and just another pornographic fantasy. Maybe take her here to read and explore. Good chance she will see that we are normal (well mostly normal) people. I am interested to see the ladies' responses. 4 Quote Share this post Link to post
Aquarius 37 Posted November 4, 2015 Excellent suggestion on the porn ... It has never been a big part of what we do, maybe 2 or 3 times a year ... I don't want to put in her mind that Swinging is about porn .... I have asked her to educate herself but she hasn't given me a response when I have suggested it to her ... Maybe asking her to go to this site or to read other educational material is a great idea plus it will give me another opportunity to discuss it with her without looking pushy ... Thks Quote Share this post Link to post
bbarnsworth 2,604 Posted November 4, 2015 I think one thing you need to be very careful about is not pressuring. You've planted the seed. You've opened the door. It is now up to her to walk through it. You're not asking this, but frequently we see husbands ask us here "How do I convince my wife to swing?" The answer is you don't. The reality is that women drive swinging, not men. That might seem strange, but it is true. Patience is what is needed now, and a lot of heart to heart talk. Be honest, completely open, and enjoy the expansion of your communication with your wife. Consider it a major success that she didn't immediately balk, call you a pervert, and file for divorce As my wife says, the concept of coming to swinging is different for women. For men, it is easier to separate sex and love. For women, it tends to be more complex. There's lots of questions that start coming up. "Why does he want me to have sex with other men? Doesn't he love me anymore? Is he secretly trying to get permission to have an affair? Is he already having an affair and trying to backdoor his way into it being acceptable? Why does he want this?" and on and on and on. It can be intensely confusing, and there are very few solid answers early on. Time, and lots of very open communication is the key. Keep us posted, ask us questions (we're happy to answer!) and read the wonderful resources here. 7 Quote Share this post Link to post
cplnuswing 4,712 Posted November 4, 2015 All good input above, and I'll just expand on the previous post by saying that along with communication, patience, etc. has got to come trust too. If there are any trust issues in your relationship, of any type, then you need to be working on those because they will get exposed sooner or later in swinging if they are there. I'm not insinuating at all that there are those issues, I'm just saying what made the first jump into swinging possible for us - we trusted each other then, and still do now. It goes a whole lot easier if you have that with each other. 2 Quote Share this post Link to post
funcoupledayton 2,707 Posted November 4, 2015 My husband brought it up, just as a general question, "have you heard of swinging?" Rather than, "I want to..." I didn't believe it was a real thing. He showed me sls. I was fascinated and researched on this forum and by reading books. We talked for about two weeks and then jumped in. We went to a party just to check things out and then full swapped about a week later. I probably first watched swing porn a year or so later. I don't really care about porn. We had already been reading penthouse letters for many years. I was interested to try it for myself,since he was my only sexual partner and I was in my late 30's. We talked about it in a very reasoned way out of the bedroom and made the decision together. I don't remember having many qualms because it was something we were looking into together. An adventure for both of us, not something my husband wanted and was trying to lead me to. We had young kids and were very committed to each other and were secure and happy so I didn't worry too much about taking this big chance. I knew how devoted my husband was, and I was motivated to explore, so I was comfortable. This forum was super helpful and really instrumental in showing us how swinging works. I would mention it to your wife and then drop the subject both in and out of bed. Let her be the one to look into it and possibly get excited on her own terms. Asking her to educate herself doesn't sit well with me. Either she is intrigued or she is not. If you're not interested reading or watching porn probably won't change that. 4 Quote Share this post Link to post
GoldCoCouple 4,053 Posted November 4, 2015 You've planted the seed, now allow it to grow. I would work on getting her to tell you some of her fantasies and then see if she would be interested in making some of them realities. She needs to know that you will not pass any judgements and be willing to hear ANYTHING she has to say (no matter what it is). Right now swinging is just a fantasy to her...take your time and allow her to seriously think about and consider it until she can decide if it is something she might be willing to explore, but in the mean time keep talking. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post
couplers 4,464 Posted November 4, 2015 I am not a lady but I will none-the-less make an observation... I am interested to see the ladies' responses. I am not considered a lady by many, but I am female so I will give my opinion. My advice is to ask your wife what style of non-monogamy she would like to try: MFM or FFM (as part of another couple or with singles), full swap, etc. Make her feel comfortable and the progress will come more easily. 2 Quote Share this post Link to post
Aquarius 37 Posted November 17, 2015 First off thanks for the responses to my first post!! I came out and asked my wife to swing with me and that it didn't matter how .. That it was up to her... Girl/Girl, MFM, FMF, or couple ... Her response was a big fat no way and she couldn't understand how I could share her and she said "this made her feel I wasn't attracted to her" ... So I wrote her a letter that basically said that it took a ton of trust in her to share such a taboo dream and desire with her and that it was totally driven by my sexual desire for her and my desire to watch her beautiful body pleasured!!! I told her that I listened to her and respected her feelings with a loving and caring attitude & that this desire of mine isn't worth causing any negative feelings between us... I told her that I have communicated to her my desires and that it is up to her if she ever wanted to discuss it with me again ... I also gave her this web site if she was ever was curious "Why" couples have such desires ... I finished by saying that I loved her more than anything in the world and what's most important to me is that she feels safe and happy in our love!!! She didn't respond but has seemed very happy and responsive with me since!! With all that said we were in Vegas this last week and she one evening told me "You love to watch so I'll give you this" and she proceeded to go to the sex couch that was in our suite and pull up her evening dress with her high heals on and finger herself to 2 CLIMAXES !!! She asked me to masturbate with her as she came the second time!!! Later that evening while we were at diner she said she really enjoyed that and that I may have created a beast!! She then said don't take it further than this >>> So we will see I turned it over to her and if this is how far she will go I will be happy with that ... But I'm hoping for more 2 Quote Share this post Link to post
MrDiscover 802 Posted November 17, 2015 Great. Take my advice and don't push it. Be glad with whatever progress she makes. Take it slow and always keep an eye on her pace. 2 Quote Share this post Link to post
Alura 2,771 Posted November 17, 2015 You've opened up a whole new realm of communication, Aquarius. Build on that, not swinging. 2 Quote Share this post Link to post
Aquarius 37 Posted November 17, 2015 I will build on the Communications !!! Great advise from both of you ..? This may be one of the things in life that the journey is as exciting as the destination!!! I love my wife so much and she is so sexy ❤️ ? it is so exciting to see her open her mind ? & Have fun ? 3 Quote Share this post Link to post
Alura 2,771 Posted November 17, 2015 One of the many things I learned about communication from my late wife is how to phrase questions. Don't ask questions that can be answered with "yes" or "no." Laura liked to phrase her questions, "How do you feel about ________?" That style will bring about a discussion in depth, which is what you want. 2 Quote Share this post Link to post
gingerandwasabi 39 Posted November 17, 2015 Excited for your new open communication. Some time After I shared my fantasy of adding other people, when my wife could see me as just a little crazy not unhappy with her, she agreed to read erotic books with me at bedtime. Since the books were my idea she let me choose them off amazon. I previewed them so that they were not too outside of our/her comfort zone. They were great conversation starters that allowed us to explore our feelings. 5 years later we are both comfortable with our own real life erotic stories and madly in love for sharing it all together! 1 Quote Share this post Link to post
bbarnsworth 2,604 Posted November 19, 2015 Yes, keep the communication going and go slow! There's a rule of thumb; a couple new to swinging must move at the pace of the partner who is moving slowest. Further, there should never be pressure from either to do anything. As we've said, you've planted the seed/opened the door. It's up to her now, but that doesn't mean you can't talk with her. As usual, I lke Alura's suggestion about not asking yes/no questions. Long ago, I dated a journalist. They are professionally trained NOT to ask yes/no questions. Its spurs more communication, more openness. As you've noted, the journey can be very exciting. You don't know where it will take you, and what amazing things may come from it. Your wife masturbating for you is fantastic. Many men and women both are not comfortable doing that. It's a very private thing, and opening it to your partner can be an astonishing level of openness for some. Before my wife and I met, I was briefly involved in a polyamorous triad. Everything ended amicably, and we all remained friends (they got divorced, but remained good friends. I've lost contact with him, but not her). The experience taught me much and piqued my interest in alternative relationships. Fast forward to my wife and I being married; she had known of this relationship that I'd had, but didn't approve. She felt my girlfriend in that triad had cheated on her husband, even though he openly approved and encouraged things. She didn't fault me for having a past, but she made it very clear she had zero interest in such things, and it would never happen with us. I never pressed it. In fact, I never even raised the possibility of us doing it...ever. I just informed her of my past, and let it go. Fast forward a few more years, and one evening in bed my wife says to me that she could see how having two men would be advantageous for a wonderful massage (she's addicted to massage). Skipping lots and lots and lots of details, and six months later my wife is having sex with another man while I'm there, watching and/or involved. That was seven years ago now. We remain active in the lifestyle, and my wife has had multiple boyfriends, a couple of them long term. So, your wife says 'big fat no way'. This can be a self defense mechanism as it were; the gaping chasm of doubt has approached, and she's keeping it at bay by saying no way, and don't press it. But, give it some time for her to percolate the idea and you never know how it might turn out. What I can pretty much guarantee though is that if you pressure her it will go poorly. You haven't done so, and that's great. Try other things to spice up your sex life. Now that she's open to masturbating in front of you, try doing twists on that; have her masturbate in the car while you're driving. If you can get private enough, have her do it somewhere in public. But, be safe, don't get arrested and don't make people unwitting witnesses. Purchase some remote control vibrator panties. Have her wear them under a dress or skirt, and you get the remote. It can be fun to press that button at inopportune moments Watch some porn together if she's interested. See what sparks her interest in porn. There are some women who are directors of porn movies who do a much better job of presenting porn in a way that is appealing to women. Later on down the road, if she starts wanting to discuss things related to swinging, you can introduce things to spur discussion; use her dildo (or get her one if she doesn't already have one...and get her a nice flesh like one!) on her while she gives you head. That experience may get her thinking about what it feels like to do that in real life. My wife's favorite thing in swinging is to be having sex with another man while she gives me head. Can't say I complain too much about that There's porn out there geared towards swinging; there's a series called "fuck my wife" or something that goes into this. Whether they are just actors or it's a real couple is fairly irrelevant. They're depicting it, which can spur discussion. Another idea; go people watching with your wife and have her talk about what men seem appealing to her. This can be very tricky for a woman to do. Stereotyping, I know, but women are much more comfortable talking with other women about guys than talking with men about guys. For your wife to get to the point of saying "Wow! He's hot!" to you would be a transformation in her comfort levels. For my wife, this was a big bridge to cross. It was hard for her to understand that I was ok with hearing her drooling over a good looking guy, that I in fact enjoyed it. All of the things in this paragraph though should not be done unless your wife has started heading towards swinging a bit. If you try these things before she has done so, it will seem deceitful to her, and could have the opposite effect of the one intended. In all of this, it's about opening doors, opening communication, enhancing your relationship. Non-swingers don't get it, but swinging does a lot for relationships, even if you never actually get to the part where you're having sex with other people. I'm writing a book here so I'll put down my e-pen 2 Quote Share this post Link to post
intuition897 2,177 Posted November 19, 2015 I will give my perspective, as I've been in your wife's shoes. When Mr. intuition897 first brought it up, yes, I was intrigued. But I had a lot of baggage that told me I should feel insecure and unloved and whatnot. For the record, Mr. intuition was really great about the whole thing, and never pressured me. He asked me to have a look at some stuff he'd found and then get my thoughts on it. My first reaction was a little bit of panic. Not to put genders in boxes, but women do tend to be culturally conditioned to be pleasers. I am no exception. "Oh boy. So this is what he wants. Here we go." I was putting pressure on myself to be the adventurous sexual vixen I was supposed to be, so I didn't end up losing my husband to someone else. So I agreed to explore it. We cracked the door open with my bicuriosity. But absolutely, 100% NO to swapping. Like your wife, I was hurt that he didn't "value" me enough to want to keep me all to himself. Like most monogamous/vanilla couples, I had believed that our sexual exclusivity is what made our marriage special and pure. (I really, really don't believe that now. ) I would just caution you to be aware that your wife might be feeling a little desperate to please you, and her recent displays of adventurousness might be evidence of that. She will appreciate it if you reach out to her again and, in a very real and heart-felt way, ask her again how she feels. She will also appreciate your honesty when you tell her that part of you wishes she would be as excited about it as you are, but your disappointment would be nothing compared with how you would feel if she didn't speak up and she allowed herself to be put in a position where she felt hurried, pressured, pushed, etc., or if she was made to feel used or unloved. Be honest, be an open book, let her feel comfortable coming to you with any question she wants without worrying that those questions will turn you into a pushy salesman. And by all means, if she has questions, absolutely send her our way! We're all about getting the right information out there for people, and dispelling the myths. 5 Quote Share this post Link to post
Aquarius 37 Posted November 19, 2015 Thank you so much intuition897 !! What I thoughtful and insightful post! Yes, the last thing I want to be is a pushy salesman. What I want is for her to willingly share her naughty side with excitement and enthusiasm !!! She continues to do this and I posted a second post after the erotic experience she gave me in Vegas this last week that post is "Finally told my wife I wanted to swing 2" but one thing that you mentioned in your post that does concern me is when you said "I was putting pressure on myself to be the sexual vixen I was supposed to be, so I didn't end up losing my husband to someone else." I hope that she is not feeling that. Please read my second post and give me thoughts because she is getting more adventuresome each day. Such as after Vegas she went through the wickedtemptations.com website in bed with me and created an account and picked out and saved several outfits that she liked. After that we made amazing love. I so hope she is doing this because she is opening her mind and not because she is feeling pressure. One positive is that when we woke up the next morning she thanked me for the night before. I asked her before I left for work today how she would feel about reading naughty little bedtime stories to one another tonight. After reading your posts I feel that maybe me asking her this this morning I may be getting pushy. She hasn't answered but no answers so far has been positive. Sorry for such a long post. Please give me your thoughts. Thanks!!! 1 Quote Share this post Link to post
GoldCoCouple 4,053 Posted November 19, 2015 A HUGE for that! If she isn't interested (now), do not pressure her to do anything she doesn't want to do (no matter how much you may want it). Let her know that this is entirely up to her. If she isn't interested, you'll move on. In addition to everything else she is feeling, she needs to know that she is no. 1 and that you are NOT just trying to find her replacement. And keep talking. 2 Quote Share this post Link to post
Aquarius 37 Posted November 19, 2015 I liked the long post Thanks for the advice and encourgement !!! Things are moving along at her pace and I'm just enjoying the ride !!!!! the other night she sat in bed with me and went though wickedtemptations.com she set us an acct up and searched and saved serveral sexy outfits she liked ... after that we made amazing LOVE !!! The next morning she thanked me for the night before Tonight I requested for her to read to me some naughty bedtime stories ... She just texted me and said she would love to read to me tonight !!!!! But I still have not mentioned Swinging to her again ... I think I should leave that subject alone and see where she takes things !!! She knows my feelings and wants and I figure she will bring it up if she wants to talk about it ... In the meantime this is fun and exciting !!!! 2 Quote Share this post Link to post
bbarnsworth 2,604 Posted November 20, 2015 Yep, it is exciting! Sounds fantastic Something that almost always gets reported from couples getting into swinging; their love lives are INTENSELY sparked. Even if you and your wife are not discussing swinging, it is possible you are getting some of that intensity injection just at the mere thought of such a thing. There are some incredibly hot outfits at that site. I think I'll invite my wife to come look through it together 2 Quote Share this post Link to post