To open or not to open...

[Glida 250]

Myself and Mr G have been in the LS for about 2 & 1/2 years. For the past 6 months we've been very quiet on the scene due to us taking time out. The reason for the break was due to a gradual break down in communication and trust. During the turbulent past 6 months we've had many conversations and vented over many things but mainly sex. I'm not giving enough and he's feeling rejected, and I'm not turned on and so feel like he doesn't like me that much. It's a cycle that just goes round and round. A few weeks ago it all came to a head and he admitted that he couldn't feel rejected any longer and talked about splitting up. I was devastated obviously and still don't feel 100%. It shocked me. I never thought I would hear those words from him. It really knocked my confidence and has made me question the dynamics of our relationship. Especially now that in the past few weeks we have talked about the idea of opening our relationship. I think our ideas of what that means are quite different though. I think it will give us the freedom that we both desire and the novelty of new partners will hopefully spice up the bedroom but there's a point at which I'm not sure I trust that it will bring us closer together but allow us to neglect each other more so than now. If I could see a future where we are both madly in love and ok with allowing each other to be who we want to be and give each other the freedom to explore, knowing that we'll come back to each other, I would say yes tomorrow. But I'm not confident that he'll come back.

 

I would love to hear form any of you who are in open marraiges, what it means for you and your relationship. Why did you open it? Do you have rules? Can it mean the end to the relationship or can it give something that's missing?

 

Thanks in advance for any feedback it will be appreciated

[njbm 2,906]

Have you been to counseling? I think that that is an appropriate step. I think that an open relationship is a step beyond swinging. I think it is for the most solid relationships, not ones having difficulties. We didn't swing until we were married for almost 30 years, even though we had earlier opportunities. We both feel good about our relationship, but swinging will test the best of them. Open marriage more so.

 

I think open marriage is not for you at this time.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I agree with everything njbm said. Counseling is the best route to take at this point if there is hope of saving the marriage. Swinging, in any form, including open marriage, will never fix an underlying problem. At very best, it may cover it up for a while as the excitement and novelty cause one or both people to overlook what they know in their heart is there, but that can only last for so long, and while it was covered up that crack was growing even larger from the lack of attention on trying to repair it.

 

We wish you both the best on finding a good path forward together, but I just don't think swinging can be a part of that.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

JoAnn and I had no big discussion about open marriage before we eased into it. She asked if it was OK that she go visit a man friend for a few days and, knowing her well as I do, I said OK. A while later I asked if it was OK for a woman friend and me to have a hotel overnight. That was just the beginning. We only later learned that people have a name for what we are now doing -- open marriage.

 

The point I am trying to make is that open marriage starts from a position of mutual trust. Open marriage continues knowing that trust is still there. What you contemplate is not wrong; it's just something different from open marriage. From what you say, you apparently know that the ultimate outcome might mean separation. All I can say is look inside and ask yourself what this might mean to you and what happiness you already have.

 

~Michael

[Mbgdallas 203]

I agree with what everyone has said. You asked about rules. Emotional involvement is the risk. When the time is right and you engage in An open relationship... The rule that comes to mind is if there starts to be any emotional attachment it stops.

[asncpl 730]

Have you been to counseling? I think that that is an appropriate step. I think that an open relationship is a step beyond swinging. I think it is for the most solid relationships, not ones having difficulties. We didn't swing until we were married for almost 30 years, even though we had earlier opportunities. We both feel good about our relationship, but swinging will test the best of them. Open marriage more so.

 

I think open marriage is not for you at this time.

 

Couldn't agree more. You have to have a solid marital foundation before considering open marriages. Otherwise, it will expose all the insecurities and trust issues that already exist. It's one thing if it's just a sexual rut but this sounds like there are other issues present. Counseling is probably the best way to go first.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Oh, dear Glida, I'm so sorry to hear that things aren't getting better between you and Mr. G. Opening up the marriage now would definitely be the beginning of the end since the relationship is so rocky. Spending more time with other people outside of the relationship means less time for the core relationship (you and Mr. G) that there really wouldn't be time to rebuild trust, communication, love, etc. All of the energy that could have gone into doing that would be expended on new people...and that's not helpful for your relationship.

 

Swinging and having an open marriage at this time in your marriage is like slapping a band-aid on a wound that is gushing. It might delay the bleeding but it will soon overwhelm the band-aid and gush again.

 

I think your marriage has come to a precipice. You and Mr. G need to seriously sit down and talk about where you two see the marriage going, what you two want from marriage, and if you two share the same goal, what you both will do to get to that goal. If you two want completely different things and aren't willing to compromise, it's time to contemplate if you two are better off separate or together.

 

When Mr. Sun and I had come upon some rough times in our marriage, we both concluded that we 1) still loved each other, 2) wanted to be together, and 3) were willing to work to rebuild what was destroyed in our relationship. It wasn't easy. It wasn't fun at times. But we're still together. I have no doubt that life will continue to throw us curve balls and we'll have hardships to work through but we are both confident in the chances of our willingness to work through it because of what we've gone through in the past.

 

I do wish you and Mr. G the best and I hope you two can pull through. Please do keep us updated. *hugs*

[Glida 250]

Thanks for all of your comments and advise. As you can all imagine I've been doing my research on this and said to MR G quite clearly that I don't want an open marriage since I think it will drive up apart even further and not give us anything that might solve any problems we may have. And you have all confirmed my fears to be correct. I know that Mr G brought up the 'D' word out of frustration and hopelessness.

 

One of the biggest problems that came up through talking about this was that our swinging adventures always seemed to be one sided. They seemed to be based on his fantasies of group sex and not so much mine having a MFM which actually turns both of us on! This caused me to hold silent resentment and insecurities that instead of talking about I just kept to myself and shut down. Pretty soon I became reluctant to have sex at all not to mention group sex, I just wasn't feeling appreciated. Actually I didn't realize this myself until I heard it for the first time during a conversation with him. Another thing that came out of our talks was that we do actually want the same thing which sometimes is hard to see when you are at rock bottom. Just goes to show how important honest communication is. We won't be opening our relationship anytime soon and I've been very honest about the fact that my desires have to be as important as his otherwise it just doesn't work.

 

Doing what we do has been exciting, eye opening and amazing for us when it worked but it slowly began to feel like something is missing for me. Which if I had to put my finger on would be...How can you say that you desire and love me if the one thing that I desire most, is the thing you withhold because you think it's selfish of me to ask! That is the bottom line for me. In my humble opinion when a woman comes to her husband and says "darling I'm all yours and my biggest fantasy is that you bring a man, hell bring two and do whatever you like to me" he should be tripping over himself with joy not judging her for being selfish.

 

Thanks again for listening.

[Sheiscurious 19]

I do not have all of the info but from what I am reading I do not think open marriage is right for you right now.

I am a novice swinger lol but I do have some experience and know some people in the lifestyle and I believe it's a pretty standard thing to not try this to save a marriage. You need to talk more ( it's not always easy ) and try some things new between you two and maybe then ease into that type of lifestyle very slowly. Good luck I hope it works out for the best.