Let hubby play alone?

[nonsexywife 30]

We've been swinging for about 3 years now and love it. We've played together, apart, and just about any way imaginable. I started having health issues about 6 months ago. Due to meds and activity restrictions I've gained weight and also now feel completely unsexy. Used to it was me with the high sex drive, but now I have no desire with him or anyone. Thinking lately of letting him continue alone, just taking me out of the equation all together. He always says I'm the attraction and he's only a side thought, but I definitely don't even want to be a thought at all. Looking in the mirror makes me I'll compared to what I used to be. So, thoughts on letting him go on without me?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

I see that you have just recently joined us so let me say WELCOME to Swingersboard.

 

You seem to know the reason for your reduction in libido so I will assume you have made the medical professionals in your life aware of your reduction in sex drive and have asked if anything can be done. Should you let him go on his own? I hate to answer a question with a question, but is it he who made the request for playing alone? If not, I do not see a good reason that you should encourage him with the idea. If yes, only you will be able to judge or predict how it might change your feeling about him or about yourself. Be careful. You are apparently already not feeling very good about yourself and knowing he is out having fun with another woman whom you might perceive as prettier than you might make you feel even worse.

 

My wife and I had a discussion in advance of any particular need. I asked her a philosophical question; what if I announced one day that I was tired of swing; would she still want to do it. She said she is having far too much fun with it to just stop. I think I would be able to accept that if it came down to it. My point in relating this is simply that such questions do come up with other couples. So don't feel alone.

[Mbgdallas 203]

While I somewhat agree with SW_PA_Couple with some of what he said this appears to be what could be a reverse "hotwife" situation. So yes there are a lot, and I mean a lot, of conversations that must be had to determine the strength of your relationship. If it is solid and you both know that there is no one else for you but your spouse then maybe it could work.

 

If you are strong enough in your trust and belief in your husband and allow him to do this to know that he is being fulfilled in the one area that you cannot and if he is more loving and appreciative to you for what you are allowing then let him do it. This has to be done by both parties as an act of love.

 

Can you understand that he is NOT doing this for a lack of desire for you and undrstand that he is doing this to mitigate your feelings of regret you may feel for denying him the sex he needs because mentally you cannot give him that?

 

There are so many things that must come together and rules and boundaries that must be determined and feelings that must be decided on for this to work. It could be very dangerous to allow. It could also be dangerous not to allow. What if he feels deprived. This could also have a negative impact on your relationship. It is up to you two to decide. It won't be easy but in a way I believe that it may be easier for him to be a "hot husband" than most women to be a "hot wife". Why? Women tend to need a connection, a relationship, intimacy to sex and men can see it more as just plain sport fucking. As such his love and feelings and intimacy for you never wain. He is only getting a physical need met. Maybe a counselor who understands the intricacies and emotions of the lifestyle could help guide you. Certainly not a vanilla marriage counselor.

 

Good luck. Whatever happens I hope it works out for you. It will be difficult either way but love and trust will win out and trump all else at the end of the day.

[kikonkrome 844]

I think you need to definitely consult with a medical professional. But like it or not being ill just does not make you feel sexy, I get it.

 

I really feel like your should have a pretty in depth conversation with your husband. He might be too concerned about you to want to play alone? Does the thought of him being sexually fulfilled make you happy?

 

I think there are a lot of questions there that you need to answer with a conversation with him.

[asncpl 729]

Agree with what everyone said. One consideration is how temporary is your health issue or medications. My husband lets me go play by myself when he's super busy with work or travels for extended period, but I know the situation is quite temporary. More important is that he's not feeling down like you are. While it's great that you are thinking of him and his needs, I'm not sure it will help you at a time when you are already feeling unsexy and down.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I don't think you should right now. I would give yourselves a year. Take a break from swinging. Get to know each other again in ways that are non-sexual, but still intimate. Find ways to be sexy and sexual in the body you have now. Gradually work on getting yourself in better physical condition, let your husband help you. Go on walks or do light exercise together.

 

If after a year, you are still uninterested in sex, that would probably be a good time to re-address the possibility of him going out with out you.

[econobiker 165]

Welcome to the swingers board,

Based on your post, others have given great feedback already. I'm saying to not let your weight stop you from anything, just let your emotional wellness gauge whether or not you want to participate.

 

And if the weight gain is going to be your new "normal", you need a period to adjust if you were formerly very into your looks and weight. A great attitude is everything! While I understand people who want HWP (height and weight proportionate) partners, I've met so many thick, fat, and even obese women who are great swinger. Ive encountered this mostly due to both genders in my geographic region (Southeast USA) having weight versus exercise issues plus our parties were advertised as BBW friendly. Generally, I personally have found that large women -who are accepting of their size- are more laid back and not worried about size /looks or thinkng that "I HAVE be pretty for him/others".

 

But take the time to be good to yourself and your relationship. Do not let anyone, your husband or swinger partners, get you down about weight or size.

 

Our personal item is that, because of Red's different body shape (an extreme apple shaped woman with a larger belly but with small breasts, small hips/butt/legs), we'd probably never play with anyone who requests HWP partners in their swinging ad. Not that her body shape has ever stopped men from pursuing her! She's declined many, many, many offers!

[nonsexywife 30]

First, thank you all, for the welcome and the replies. Second, I am a medical professional, lol. I have discussed the weight gain with my doc, who is making some changes to my meds because of it. As of my last visit I hadn't connected the decrease in libido, I knew I didn't feel sexy because of the gain, but at that time assumed the lack of libido was more related to my issues and how I feel, combined with life in general, stress, kids, work, etc. As far as our relationship, it's as strong or stronger now than before, that has never been an issue. And no, he hasn't asked for this, this is me, all me. We discussed years ago the chances of one of us being unable to keep up, and that neither of us would want to hold the other back in this area. I can see hr still has libido, it's me who doesn't anymore. When before it was I who couldn't find partners who could keep up with me, now, I don't even desire self satisfaction. We have played together, seperate, and many different ways and scenarios over the years. I love knowing he's satisfied and taken care of, it's just that right now, I have no desire to do it or be a part of it, I don't even like my body period right now, don't want to be touched in a sexual way, it isn't him doing this to me at all, it's me, and in talking with friends I know it isn't others' perceptions of me, but my own, and until I can either lose the weight, or get past it, I feel doomed to this feeling.

[GMOFLEISURE 221]

Well, the mention of therapy has been made already here, no use in belaboring that. I wanted to say I'm touched by your concern about your husbands needs & your trust and generosity in allowing that little bit of freedom. Take care & hope you rid all your problems soon.

[intuition897 2,179]

Welcome to the board!

 

I think it could work, especially if you see it as something of a relief, knowing his libido is being satisfied without feeling pressure to engage in sexual activity yourself. I would suggest keeping to trusted longer-term swing friends whom you feel you can trust to "help you out" occasionally during this time. But it's a tightrope you're walking here, and I don't think it will work long-term. Your health condition and the subsequent weight gain should definitely be taken care of; it creates an uneven shift in sexual activity, and it opens up the possibility of feeling neglected, abandoned, second-best, left out, etc, eventually leaving you feeling bitter. It sneaks up on you if you're not careful to watch for such feelings.

 

Weight gain SUCKS ASS. I know. It was a major contributing factor to our dropping out of the lifestyle for over a decade. We both dropped 50 lbs each in 5 1/2 months and my libido finally came up for air. The depression disappeared and I found myself preening in front of mirrors again where I avoided them before. I even started to love shopping for clothes again...because everything fit! I wore a frigging bikini to the beach last summer. And I'm 40. So yeah, once you lose the weight, your libido may naturally perk up. Hopefully you'll be able to eventually stop taking the medication you're on, or reduce the dosage.

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