Would you recommend a solo friend? :)

[atomant 16]

Hey there!

We've been pretty absent here for the past few months, but we've been having so much fun in the lifestyle! We're officially a full-swap couple and can't believe we went this long without it!

Now here's a the thing, both of us are considering finding a "friend." I, the wife, have had some success in finding some willing participants but before I jump in I was wondering what you all thought about this? Is having a solo friend on the side a good idea?

 

(Of course we have discussed this in length, just looking for advice. )

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Not a fair question for my wife or for me. We both have friends "on the side", as you say. So either of us would answer yes, recommended. You have simply arrived at it a little more quickly than we arrived.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

My only advice is that it's always easier for the wife half of a couple to find several many extra "friends" on the side but it is much harder for the husband to do so. Some couples can handle the imbalance and some cannot. Resentment and frustration can occur. When that happens, it comes down to the half who has many "friends" to be able to see the whole picture and take into consideration their priorities in life (what is more important to them).

[Brad145 58]

In the few years we have been swinging we have known many couples, some play separately, some don't. We know of many couples that have split up, and many that haven't.

 

When I cross reference the 2 groups, not every couple who swings separately splits up, but EVERY COUPLE that we have personally known as swingers and split up has played separately.

 

Of course that's through my limited exposure in the few years we have been swinging, tempered with a healthy fear of losing what I have, but it's enough evidence for me to pass on the idea.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

We also know many couples, have seen many split and have noticed the trend Brad145 is talking about. I think it depends a lot on the level of commitment you have to each other and the guidelines you have in place.

 

What does a friend involve? Will you go on dates? Text or call daily? Just have sex? What will your spouse be doing when this is going on? Does you spouse have a prospect? Are the prospects also married?

 

We do play separate, so it's probably a bit hypocritical, but I think it is playing with fire.

[njbm 2,868]

Playing separately sounds like one is asking for trouble. Apologies to those who do it successfully.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

There is also sort of a middle ground approach to where you make connection as a couple, usually play as a couple, but every now and then mix in a solo playdate with each other. Playing solo is a bit different and is a fun thing to add in to the mix, and by doing it with someone you already have a strong couple-based connection with, then it's more of an icing on the cake type thing than the cake itself.

 

The true playing separately where one goes out and finds playmates all on their own, we haven't tried that yet. I won't say we have totally ruled it out as a possibility at some point in the future, but it has been a hypothetical for quite some time now and neither one of us has tried very hard at moving it past just the hypothetical stage.

[Guest sandraandalex]

My guess you is that you play separately with people that realize that your marriage ( and theirs) is the primary relationship. Moreover that it would not occur to either of you, except as a passing thought to ignore, to have more than a playful sexual relationship. The problem is separate play with other people that do not fully comprehend that. I would say it's more like playing with gasoline. As long as you respect it's potential, it does a lot of great things, you don't respect it and it's a 'bonfire' and you won't rise from those ashes in a good way.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

We have never had a problem with that so far. Sounds like fun! Good luck! My wife is more nervous about "performing" in front of me so she has better experiences in separate rooms. Or across town or state I've resolved my jealousy issues and she had a lot to do with that. It kinda sucks if it's a mmf in the same room and I'm the odd man out but It's ok with me. I'm happy that she is being satisfied.

 

For her to go away and spend time alone with someone it would have to be with someone we've grown to trust.