Body issues for Newbies

[Cur 16]

Was it difficult to feel comfortable and secure about your body when you first started playing with other couples? There is a certain fear of rejection among other things that makes it difficult to get started. Does anyone have any advice on how to overcome this?

 

Thanks.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

It's perfectly normal to feel that way, we've all been there. For some it's something they struggle with the whole way, while for others it starts to fade along with getting some experience. I think the best way to getting past it is just to get out there. Do that and you will see that swingers are just normal people like everyone else, and along with that comes less than perfect bodies. To me though, that's where the sexy comes into swinging. The people are totally real, and not some caricature of what sexy is supposed to be, and that realness is very sexy indeed.

 

Rejection isn't a fun part of swinging, but trust me when I say it doesn't matter who you are or what you look like, a good all around match is hard to find, so everyone experiences rejection, even "Ken and Barbie". The way to think about rejection is just like you won't be interested in playing with most of the people you meet because the chemistry just isn't there, then it's the same going the other direction too. Just like you don't think any less of those you don't feel chemistry with, then they aren't thinking any less of you either. The chemistry just didn't happen; no one was at fault, it just didn't. You may go on to become great friends even, but there was just some little thing missing. Thinking of it like that, that they are just expressing a "flattered but no thanks" just like you will express the same and with no ill intent either, makes it a little easier.

[Cur 16]

That makes sense. Thanks for the response, the thought of being intimate with someone new is tough when you have been with the same person for a long time and you are completely comfortable with each other. But like you said, if we get out there and meet people we will hopefully connect with a couple we have chemistry with that makes us feel comfortable with each other.

[purple4215 55]

I agree! I am not quite a newbie and I struggle a bit...and it's funny. It's not on my lady parts...I've had a lot of infertility issues and such so a lot of weight fluxuation and two sections and well stomach skin at my age just doesn't bounce back. I am HWP but skin in certain areas aren'tmy favorite! I try to view myself on a whole not just certain parts.

 

I will say that connection with people and going more of s friends with benefits route has worked for us on many levels...but comfort and trust is huge and then it all becomes sexy and fun and enjoyable!

 

Good luck and acsensuate the positive!!

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

An observation. We have met people of a spectrum of shapes and sizes and ages in the LS. The issue is not "body image"--the range of bodies is pretty vast. The issue is self-image. Often those with poor self-image do not look after themselves, present themselves in a less than flattering light and so on. It's easy to see how insecurity might feed on itself as rejections start and accumulate.

 

We find ourselves spending time with couples who--individually and as a couple--have a positive self-image and an optimistic outlook on life. That doesn't mean there's chemistry everywhere, but it does mean that wrinkles, scars and sags are far less important than how people engage with the world. (An aside--how people are 'put together'--hygiene, makeup, breath, clothes--all of that reflects self-image and definitely counts. )

 

Next time you're in a social situation--vanilla, meet n greet, lifestyle--take a moment and look around. There are people who you might think physically 'less visually attractive' who seem to be 'part of the group' and there are people who are closer to model types (the 'Ken and Barbie' simile is tired ,isn't it?) who are off in a corner.

 

What matters more is what people say and what they do, less how they appear.

[kikonkrome 844]

I agree personality is a huge part of it. However, let's face it we really appreciate couples that at least make an attempt at staying healthy. I certainly feel that the better in shape my wife and I are the more options for play partners we have.

 

Sure there is the good looking couple that are jerks, you run into them in the 'vanilla' world as well as lifestyle events. There is also the really fun, friendly couples that you think would be a turn off if they get naked.

 

Sure when we are with a couple and naked, no doubt about it, at least initially you are at your most vulnerable. It sucks, and I have had fantastic unexpected positive results and less than stellar results. I don't pretend to be mind reader regarding what my partners find sexy or not, and if it's not me, that's ok, I would prefer to find partners that find me sexy.

 

It's tough to not take it personally as it is personal.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

Hi, Cur! I wanted to put in my two cents on your post. I know you've gotten a lot of good responses so far but I wanted to relate how it was for me.

 

I've always been self-conscious about how I appear. I was overweight-obese the majority of my life. In fact, I've actually gained weight the past few years since we became swingers! When we first started to swing, I was actually in the "best shape of my life" and finally in the "normal" weight for my height but I was still really self-conscious of my body due to all of the sagging skin (multiple pregnancies and weight loss/fluctuations) and stretch marks. In fact, it's easier for me to name the few things that I actually like about myself in relation to the numerous parts of my body that I don't like.

 

Like many new swingers, I wasn't sure how I would be received or if anyone would be attracted to me. It really, really, really helped to see the other swinger women at a swingers club. They had rolls. They had saggy skin. They had cellulite. They had stretch marks. You name it...someone else also had it. It comforted me that swinger women weren't supermodels and that they were just like the average woman you see at the mall or grocery store.

 

However, I will say...if you have body image issues, it will be a journey for you to go through. It will always be an issue for you until you find happiness and acceptance with your body. I still struggle with it myself so you aren't alone! For me, part of the journey is knowing that I feel better about myself if I know I am doing what I can to be happier in general. I lose my temper often when I don't exercise regularly so that is part of it. If you find something that will let you de-stress and if it's healthy for your body at the same time, it can help on your journey.

 

As for rejection...it happens to everyone. I know that no one wants to feel bad due to rejection but getting used to rejection is a learning curve/journey as well. It might sting a bit when a couple/single rejects you and you were really interested in them. You will find that these situations will show you how fortunate you are to have a "partner-in-crime" in all of this. You and your spouse are there to support each other through the ups and downs. You'll soon realize how much finding compatible couples to swing with can be similar to dating and it will make both of you grateful to have each other. And just as you will experience rejection, it will help you to feel empathy in expressing your own rejection of other couples, too. Eventually, the rejections will sting less and less when you realize that there are "more fish in the sea".

[econobiker 165]

Positive self image, as Fundamental Law wrote above, is the key to being sexy for your swinging activities! I know that I'm not a GQ or Abercrombie & Fitch male model myself so how could I cop an attitude about someone else's body flaws? But I can be positive about myself and my swing partner.

 

I've actually found that I prefer the average looking, absolutely not height and weight proportionate women who have a great attitude about themselves and swinging. Think that average looking woman with extra pounds shopping in the grocery/big box/home improvement store but who has a secret life of swinging. In my opinion, these women, who aren't as concerned about looks, let themselves enjoy the physicality of sex more. Maybe they are more enthusiastic about it also because they're not always fighting off every Tom, Dick, and Harry during daily life such as a HWP model-like Barbie might be. Some might call these women low maintenance, plain, heavy, and other words that are not nice, I call them "beautiful"...

 

So, Cur, be positive about yourself and don't get down about your body!

[M1F2KTJ 473]

I'm never happy about the way I look. I always think I can look better. I'm still working on my six pack abs . I suggest a non sexual meeting first. Than you can both decide if physical appearance matters.

 

Attitude is just as sexy to me no matter the body type.

[cplnluv1 872]

I think every person has doubts about their own bodies. Even the runway models find faults when they look in a mirror. I think my wife is beautiful and I know she points out to me her doubts. I know my faults and yes, getting nude in front of the first couple we met was terrifying for me. The first couple we met were so much better looking than us. We even thought they were fakes from our emails. Too attractive for us. They were also younger than us. Maybe that also made us nervous about our bodies. Our body image didn't seem to come into play. We have since met a good number of other couples. Most were first timers. You can sense most are nervous to begin with and you can tell when they are sucking in their guts or try to keep what they don't like about themselves hidden.

There is also the saying that some clothed people are sexier when clothed.

[econobiker 165]

I think every person has doubts about their own bodies .....

There is also the saying that some clothed people are sexier when clothed.

 

So true, the nude beach can be quite unsexy....

[wearetheone1967 40]

I think my wife is perfect in every way, however she is 5'5" and over 210 pounds. whereas I am 380 pounds and have EXTREMELY low self esteem because of my weight. However I am constantly being "flirty" with women I know. I am confident "in the moment", where as when I sit back and think about being naked in front of others... SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME!!!

 

Maybe I am overthinking it, maybe not.

 

At any rate, we have gone from full swap with singles, to couples only only after building friendships first, to almost walking away from it.

 

Eager and yet mortified of my self image/esteem...

 

I fee your pain... OP