My boyfriend thinks he should be more controlling

[MarniJohn 172]

We have been together for 11 years and have a great relationship. We don't always see eye to eye about swinging. We go to a swing club nearby 3 nights a week mostly for the atmosphere - dinner, dancing, socializing. We always go in the back room. We play with other couples when the situation is right. We are an attractive, fit couple and also enjoy playing alone. Last weekend we sit on a couch next to another couple. As per usual he asks what i think of the guy. I look over and said no, not my type. He says, "He's not bad. He has a good body and good equipment. I'm not asking you to marry him." I look at her and she's nothing special so i knew it wasn't about her being so great. I said no again and he says, "Maybe my mistake is that I should be more controlling. The guys who control their wives play everytime they are in the club."

 

So... I told him that if he were controlling in the lifestyle he would be there by himself. I'm wondering before we move forward with our relationship in real life if this isn't a warning sign. Sure I like to play but for me it's not a must. He says it isn't for him (he never leaves upset) but I'm starting to wonder if we are not really that compatible in terms of swinging. He is picky but not nearly as picky as I am. Then again, there are usually more attractive women than men in the club (by a lot).

 

Just looking for some insight.

[TwoFunTexans 103]

That is a petty jerky thing to say and I would never say something like that to my wife. That sounds like a sure fire way to never play again.

[a_d_xxx 663]

Yeah, I'm kinda incredulous he would say that out loud. In fact, that would likely be my reaction if someone said that around me: "Did you actually just say that out loud!?"

 

IMHO, controlling men end up with miserable relationships and restraining orders.

 

D

[enhancer 1,588]

I already know Ms Enhancer's response to me if I said something like that! It would be see you later and go fuck yourself.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I already know Ms Enhancer's response to me if I said something like that! It would be see you later and go fuck yourself.

 

Yeah, I've been trying to formulate in my mind what Mrs cplnuswing's exact response would be if I said something like that, and I've think you've captured it nearly word for word!

 

To the OP, that was a horrible thing to have to hear, and the fact that you are searching out advice and still trying to figure out how to make all of this work is a testament to how you are doing everything on your end to make this relationship work. Two things though. Is something that just "works" really what you want? It seems to me the relationship, although a relatively long one, is at a fork in the road. Do you go one way and hope for something better at the end of that unknown road, or do you keep traveling the road you have been on even though you know that where it ends up isn't somewhere that is 100% where you want to be? Only you can answer that question. My only comment there is that bad things usually get worse, not better, once the married word comes into play.

 

The other comment is that maybe swinging is playing too big of role here? Going to a club, even if just for "the atmosphere", three nights a week seems a bit much. We all like to go out and we all like to swing, but I think what most people here would say if asked is swinging is just an add-on to our relationships and real lives, it's not the focus of it. Going out that often for that many years makes me wonder if you don't need to step back from that and see if the relationship will stand on its own. Swinging isn't always going to be there because of age, health, loss of interest, etc. But, when that day comes, the relationship is still going to be there and the glue that holds it together is going to have to be something more than just memories of all those nights at the club.

[Alura 2,778]

If I had ever said something like that to Mrs. Alura, she would have asked, "Who the hell are you? What have you done with my husband??"

 

Equality, with full rights to refusal, are features swinging cannot exist without. Even if it could, who would want such a situation?

[GoldCoCouple 4,072]

 

Here's your sign. Yes, I think it should be a warning sign. If one of us says 'no' to ANYTHING, the answer for both of us is no with no further discussion needed. We are a team and stand together. It could be that you are taking something he said in passing or as a joke too serious, but you should talk with him and find out just what he was meaning by saying that.

[MarniJohn 172]

Wow! I really appreciate your genuine responses. It's funny because it's not like you can really talk to your friends about this (and the ones in the lifestyle don't need to hear about it). You have all in your own way helped me more than you realize and a few of you touched a nerve which means you're onto something I had'nt thought of. Very good point about spending way too much time in the lifestyle and needing to back it up and get back to real life. Funny thing is we met in the lifestyle so we haven't yet explored a real life together. Might be time to do some serious thinking. Thanks and I hope I can help you guys out one day!!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,027]

Three nights a week? When does anybody take the trash out or mow the grass?

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Hi, MarniJohn. I have to say that the three times a week at the swingers club jumped out at me too. Of course, we have met a few couples that go out to swing just as often so if that works for them (and you guys) then it works.

 

Mr. Sun and I joke around a lot with each other and I can see him saying something stupid like that. He knows that he'll get his punishment for saying that though. So, I don't know how you and Mr. Marni are together. Maybe it was joking. Maybe it was serious. I don't know...hopefully you do. Any man who has been in the swinger lifestyle should know though that men don't pull the strings. If they do think that then they are seriously deluded. They should also know that one doesn't "play every time" they visit. If they do, they must fuck anyone. Seriously.

 

Anyway, if you feel like this is a warning sign though...listen to it. Don't ignore it.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,027]

"All men would be tyrants if they could." ~Abagail Adams

[GoldCoCouple 4,072]

So...are you saying that we aren't your friends?

[MarniJohn 172]

NO!! Of course not! I am the type of person who does not like to gossip or talk about others in any way. If I have something on my mind and I discuss it with people I see then I think I am giving them an unfair look into something that I may not be seeing properly and they might judge the other person for it. I will discuss something if the other person is there to give there side but I still don't like to do it. When you talk about something and you feel better, you forget about it. Unfortunately the people you said it to might hold it against you or the other person. you know what I mean?

[GoldCoCouple 4,072]

I was kidding to make a point. We all understand how this is something that you can't talk to your 'vanilla' friends about, but you can talk to us. We're here to offer help and a sympathetic ear.