Should I share?

[Glida 250]

Yesterday we spent the morning in bed and while we were talking Mr G told me that he wants to talk more about our fantasies...

 

I've been having fantasies recently about other men. Men I work with, strangers, men I walk passed in the street. And it's a secret. Things between MrG and I have been awkward, I'm not around much too due to work and studies and we're not connecting so well. I sometimes fantasize about cheating. I wouldn't act on them but I have these erotic movies going around in my head.

 

Should I share this with MrG or should they be a secret?

 

For some reason I feel ashamed, like I'm actually cheating by not saying anything but I'm afraid it will trigger something.

[JandKinBoise 859]

Pretty shaky ground you are on with this. More often than not, it doesn't go the way you hope. Sometimes relieving your conscience is good for you, but not for the recipient. If my wife was having these feelings, and I'm sure at some point she has, I'd rather not know. Maybe work on the current problems, not the by-product of the problems. Good luck.

[Guest]

I think it's all about honesty in communications. He’s apparently interested in exploring fantasies. If he can handle your thoughts or dreams, then he certainly won’t be able to handle your actions should you go in that direction.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Pretty shaky ground you are on with this. More often than not, it doesn't go the way you hope. Sometimes relieving your conscience is good for you, but not for the recipient. If my wife was having these feelings, and I'm sure at some point she has, I'd rather not know. Maybe work on the current problems, not the by-product of the problems. Good luck.

 

I think I'm going to agree with this. Think about WHY you feel like you should tell him. If the reason is for your own relief, as JandK mentioned, then I think it is best for you to own it and not share it.

 

Get to the root cause of the difficulties you two are facing right now. That is the best action to take IMHO.

 

Oh, and there's NO reason to feel guilty about what's going on in your mind. A thought is not the same thing as an action.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Oh, and there's NO reason to feel guilty about what's going on in your mind. A thought is not the same thing as an action.

 

I agree with this. Everyone is entitled to their thoughts being their own, because that's really our only true refuge on a personal level. Nearly anything else in life can be changed or taken away from you by someone or something else, but your thoughts are totally yours; no one but you knows them, and no one but you controls them.

 

I think what is important when your thoughts are causing you concern is how often and how strong the thoughts are. Passing and almost random things that pop in your head and then just as quickly pop back out, those should be of little concern. Thoughts that are not only frequent, but linger and you can feel the tug toward action, those are signs of a growing problem that needs worked on before it gets a strong foothold and the pull toward action become almost irresistible.

[findinganswers 369]

We never shared our fantasies before. I am now finding my wife had suppressed fantasies. She knew our friends played and finally told me that she was interested. I was a little hurt that she didn't share that knowledge until after we played with our friends. I hope she didn't play behind my back all these years. Your cheating is more a problem than sharing your fantasy

[Glida 250]

Thanks for all your comments.

 

First of all I know these are just fantasies, I have had them as far back as I can remember. I have a cheat fantasy. I know the difference between feelings and fantasy and actually acting on it is not a step I am willing to take, they are two very different things. My reasons for wanting to share were as chicouplexx said. It's all about being open and honest, and sharing not only that I have these movies but also how I feel about having them. Suppression of anything is what caused the problem in our relationship, it created distance.

 

So I did share my fantasies and I was honest about what goes on in my head. It made me feel 100 times better and seemed to ignite something in Mr G. It has made us closer which was what I was hoping for, it's just a step in the right direction I feel to working on our relationship.

[econobiker 165]

Sharing your inner most fantasies gets that burden out and can serve to make you two closer.

[kikonkrome 844]

Yesterday we spent the morning in bed and while we were talking Mr G told me that he wants to talk more about our fantasies...

 

... Things between MrG and I have been awkward, I'm not around much too due to work and studies and we're not connecting so well. ...

 

Should I share this with MrG or should they be a secret?

 

For some reason I feel ashamed, like I'm actually cheating by not saying anything but I'm afraid it will trigger something.

 

He is trying to connect with you. I think telling him at least part of your fantasies would be appropriate, maybe not the cheating part.

 

I have a question, what are you doing to connect with him?

[Glida 250]

I have a question, what are you doing to connect with him?

 

I'm trying my hardest to make him see that he doesn't have to be a victim when I have days that are not so good. I think it's mild depression. There are days on and off, more off than on thankfully, where I don't want to connect with anybody. The fit one from Game of Thrones could knock at the door and i'd still need my space. I'm busy, tired, exhausted, overwhelmed, frustrated and sometimes and all I want to do is be silent, let the world go by and be just with myself. No conversation, touching or sex. I just need to go inwards for a while... These 2 to 3 day stints feel like a lifetime to MrG. Whereas I know these phases come and go and are nothing to do with him, he feels rejected and it's as if his world has ended. And then it spirals.

 

We are getting there though. We are spending most of our time together when we're not busy with, family, jobs, kids, college, life! And we are talking about it all the time and we've promised just to be honest.

 

Thanks for the question by the way, I read it last week and thought about it alot:)

[Mbgdallas 203]

I hope you are getting help for your condition. I have gone through that and my wife says that I am back now. She is great at monitoring my condition. She can see it before I feel it. It can be better.

 

As far as you and your husband go it sounds like you are on the right track. If he is asking about your fantasies I think you should share. If I asked my wife to share and she had the fantasies you do it would certainly sting but I wouldn't hold it against her and would be overjoyed that she felt secure enough in our relationship to be able to share anything.

[Alura 2,775]

from Oklahoma, Glida! Thanks for joining us and asking a good question.

 

Before sharing, you might considering agreeing that neither of you will become angry because a question is asked. It clears the air of fear, the most important, in my opinion, part of open communication. The late Mrs. Alura and I also shared this pledge with our kids. They were never afraid to ask us about anything.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

Yesterday we spent the morning in bed and while we were talking Mr G told me that he wants to talk more about our fantasies...

 

Tell him someone smiled at you and then you had a fantasy about talking with him to see what his reaction is.

[kikonkrome 844]

I'm trying my hardest to make him see that he doesn't have to be a victim when I have days that are not so good. I think it's mild depression.

 

So if you feel like you are gong through a mild depression you probably are!! No sense in not confronting it.

 

There are days on and off, more off than on thankfully, where I don't want to connect with anybody. The fit one from Game of Thrones could knock at the door and i'd still need my space. I'm busy, tired, exhausted, overwhelmed, frustrated and sometimes and all I want to do is be silent, let the world go by and be just with myself. No conversation, touching or sex. I just need to go inwards for a while... These 2 to 3 day stints feel like a lifetime to MrG. Whereas I know these phases come and go and are nothing to do with him, he feels rejected and it's as if his world has ended. And then it spirals.

 

Those are pretty classic mild depression signs. Is there somebody you can talk to? Have you said this to your husband? Has he asked you about it? Have you talked to him about it?

 

We are getting there though. We are spending most of our time together when we're not busy with, family, jobs, kids, college, life! And we are talking about it all the time and we've promised just to be honest.

 

Thanks for the question by the way, I read it last week and thought about it alot:)

 

There is a running joke, career, family, relationship...pick two...everybody gets overwhelmed and we have to pick and choose where our priorities lie. Do you work hard and make a lot of money to provide a great life for your family, or do you spend time with the family. I think all these questions are individual.

 

I would highly recommend finding somebody you can talk to about this, that is impartial and can just listen and help you reflect. It may be a professional or it may be a friend.

 

I also wish you the best of luck.

[Glida 250]

Hi again, just an update on how the sharing is working out...

 

My original post asked whether I should share or keep secrets. I decided to share and be naturally curious about MrG's darkside which came up by accident one night when I told him that I wanted to give an erotic massage with a happy ending for money! He asked how much I would charge and would I like some perspective on the going rate...I was so curious so asked how he knew...When he told me that he had been to visit a couple, I wasn't surprised and was a little turned on. Then I asked about prostitutes. Again I wasn't surprised when he told me he had...once, which in my imagination is more like 100 but again still more turned on.

 

Now this was dangerous ground for me because we were confessing secrets, although it didn't feel like a confession and more like dirty talk. Do I share my indiscretion from years ago, before we got into this LS, When we were 'Monogamous' . I had always thought that I would be taking my secret to the grave with me but I was wrong and told him.

 

There are elements in both our stories that hurt the other in someway. Comparing if they were Sexier, fitter, bigger, younger but surprisingly the energy that has surfaced from it all is like a drug. In some way it feels like a new relationship, I'm finding out stuff that I kind of knew all along and it's hot! We talk all the time, we are joined at the hip at the moment, our world has been rocked and we can't get enough of each other and it turns out I give a winning massage. I gave him the first one for free but from now on it's 250NIS per hour...

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

A very reasonable rate, especially considering a happy ending. I wonder if the pros gain a feeling like yours at least occasionally.