Staying safe (from serial killers, not STDs)

[2ofUsHavingFun 28]

So, a while ago, we had a wonderful cam session with some good friends of ours that really sparked our desire to likely get active in the lifestyle. We posted the story here a few months ago, but it may have been removed in some sort of conspiracy (or maybe just general maintenance.)

 

Anyways, several months (and lots of really good discussions later) we have signed up for an SLS profile and sent out a few message. Because we're being quite timid at first and didn't put up a picture - we only got one response - but we've been going back and forth with them from our "sexy" email account and we're at the point of picture sharing now - which is a turn on for us.

 

We're pretty sure we're going to be soft-swap lifestylers over the next month or so, but we're getting nervous about safety stuff. Some of these questions have gone through our heads:

 

• How do we know this is a couple that likes swinging and not murdering?
  
• How do we keep our address, phone number and employers private for now?
  
• How do we make sure that they aren't willingly trying to infect us with AIDS, Zika, or the flu?
  
• How do we know it's even a couple and not Gary Busey pretending to be a couple to jerk off to some pictures?
  
• When do we feel comfortable putting our picture on a public swinger profile?
  

 

Some of those are tongue-in-cheek (not as much fun as tongue-in-pussy) but you get the idea. How do we play it safe and make sure we aren't walking into the next episode of 20/20?

 

We want to play, but we want to know how to do it without risking our - or our kids - well being. Especially our kids. Ain't nothing worth risking their safety for.

 

So - we're turning to you - the upperclassmen of the lifestyle - what do YOU do? How do YOU stay safe? We're all ears!

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Hi, 2ofUsHavingFun! Is this your story here: Softest Possible First Experience ? You can always see a list of your previous posts by clicking on your name and then the link "View Forum Posts".

 

As for your questions:

 

1. A good rule of thumb, when meeting anyone from online, is to meet in a public place. Meet at a restaurant or someplace with a lot of other people and get a good feel for them.

 

2. Don't give out that information. We've met couples that we've never even talked about work, much less phone numbers. The majority of the people we have met, we don't know their last names! What ever information you give out is in your control. All you have to do is state that you prefer not to share that information. Some couples will understand and others will be offended.

 

3. I think the majority of people aren't going out and purposely getting people sick. If they are actively coughing, sneezing, or appear sick, then keep the meeting short and don't have physical contact with them if you are worried.

 

4. The best way to make sure it's not a single male pretending to be a couple is to set up a meeting and have less chit chat on the internet and/or phone. If they make excuses that one cannot meet, then you'll know. If you are at the restaurant and they don't show, then you'll know. If only the male shows up to the meeting, then you'll know that something fishy is going on (either single or cheating).

 

5. You feel comfortable doing so when you are. Some people never put up a picture...which will severely limit couples who are interested but some couples find ways around it. Some put up pictures with just their faces blurred out. Some are comfortable with their faces shown. It's all up to you two and what you both are comfortable with.

 

We mostly attend swinger house parties to meet other swingers. Meeting one-on-one only happens once in awhile. You can also attend Meet and Greets or swinger clubs in your area. I have to say, it is reassuring that both of us support each other when swinging--emotionally, mentally, physically, you name it. I'm not so sure I would be able to swing if I were single.

[2ofUsHavingFun 28]

Yes, that's our story! Thanks for the tip - and also thanks for the input.

 

I guess one of the things that's a bit difficult is that both of us feel like we kind of want to be friends before we hop in the sack with another couple. Neither of us have ever been one-night-stand people. We're not looking for a poly deal, but we'd like to know that we can hang out and go on a date without being annoyed, freaked out or saddened by our company.

 

Regardless, you think it's best to just straight up meet sooner rather than later?

 

We were looking into some parties, but were worried we might be overwhelmed or not welcomed. Though probably not ax murdered. Is a house party a good place to start for a first time couple?

[njbm 2,901]

We usually meet another couple in a public place first for dinner or drinks. Our first meeting is usually just to get to know each other and to make sure they are not psychokillers. We rely on our radar to detect this, but we know it's not perfect.

 

We also like to meet people who have certs from people we know and like. We realize this is tough for newbies.

 

If you are hesitant to meet 2 on 2, go to house parties, hotel parties or clubs.

 

I will say that whether it worked out sexually or not, the people we've met on SLS are some of the nicest people we've ever met. Good luck in your search!

[njbm 2,901]

I think a good place to start is a club. You can play with each other and if it works out, with others. You can also see what others are doing, which is educational.

 

House parties can be overwhelming for newbies. But if you know some of the attendees, it can be fun.

 

Also, we like Desire and Caliente, resorts near Cancun and Tampa respectively.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

A lot of us recommend meeting sooner than later because some people do play games online. They can do the messaging back and forth forever but never meet. Meet in person to make sure they are for real then you two can go from there. Also, if you swap pictures...it's two-dimensional. You might like their pictures but they don't give the whole picture. You'll see the entire person when you meet them. Maybe their mannerisms turn you off. Maybe they are rude in person. Maybe the pictures are from 10 years ago. Meet in person to save yourself a lot of time and grief.

 

If you want to take your time to get to know them, let them know ahead of time that you're newbies and want to go slow. You want to get to know them, be friends first. Some couples won't like that and go elsewhere. Others who want the same thing will also take their time. Perhaps you will need several "vanilla" meeting between the couples to set your mind at ease. That is your prerogative. I do have a word of warning for this route though...I have heard from several members here that they have done the "friends first" before sex only to find that the sex with them sucks and then it ruins the friendship aspect. So, again, many of us say that it's easier to make friends after swinging (with those that you have similar interests with besides swinging) than it is to make friends then swing.

 

I would recommend a Meet and Greet for you two. It's usually held at a restaurant or bar. No areas to "play". No pressure. Just meeting with other swingers and getting to know new people.

[MarniJohn 172]

I agree with NJBM, find other ways to introduce yourself to swinging. We've been in the lifestyle for many years and have never even tried to meet a couple online. I would first recommend a swing club but if there are none in your area look online for meet and greets. The good thing about those is they are usually at bars or some other public place. There's no sex possible so it gives you a chance to meet and talk to people. The other thing besides resorts (which can be a good thing) is to try an expo. Those are hotel takeovers all over the country and are also informative. Good luck!

[kikonkrome 844]

Have you ever bought anything from an online/classified ad? That's about the same risk as meeting people online.

 

I will say this we had zero luck and very little patience with meeting people online. We have had quite a bit of luck and some really great times meeting people at swing clubs.

 

Good luck.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

How do we know this is a couple that likes swinging and not murdering?

 

There's much easier ways to find people to murder. Targeting the swinger community is too small of a target to bother with. Murderers usually use Craigslist.

 

How do we keep our address, phone number and employers private for now?

 

Just don't give them out. Most people who you will run across want the same thing you do, including anonymity. We always use just one (Mr.'s) phone for contact (usually texts). There's ways to even limit the exposure of that phone number (search Google Voice) or you can get a disposable cell phone that is only used for contact.

 

How do we make sure that they aren't willingly trying to infect us with AIDS, Zika, or the flu?

 

Play safe and be honest with them. If you are not feeling well, tell them and hopefully they will reciprocate.

 

How do we know it's even a couple and not Gary Busey pretending to be a couple to jerk off to some pictures?

 

This is why we agree that meeting sooner is better than meeting later. Just a meeting for drinks or dinner with the understanding that is all that is happening the first night. You will be able to tell more in five minutes in person than five years of email and texts. Either a connection is there or it isn't...it saves a ton of time.

 

When do we feel comfortable putting our picture on a public swinger profile?

 

When you are ready. We still have pictures that don't show our faces on SLS and will probably always have that. There's generally nothing wrong with doing that. We will send pictures that are unedited (but never anything with nudity) before the first meeting.

[2ofUsHavingFun 28]

Hi, everyone. Let me just say how much we appreciate your input on this. And we're trying to take your advice - because we trust that you've done this, and we haven't - and therefore you have wisdom we can't possibly have.

 

To that end, we've registered for a hotel party tomorrow near us called Darkest Desires. It seems they have a few decent reviews on SLS, but we're still nervous - how do you know if you've found a good party? Has anyone ever been to a party that was really skeevy?

 

I guess the question is how you vet if a party is a good one or not.

 

Many thanks for your continued advice. This a big step and we're looking to not screw it up.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Has anyone ever been to a party that was really skeevy?

 

I guess the question is how you vet if a party is a good one or not.

Yes, we have been to one house party that was a skeevy waste of time (and money, as it turned out). Friends of ours from near us in MD asked us to join them as this party, which was located in York, PA. They had been to the organizer's party once before, and though they were not too impressed, they wanted to give the party another shot. They invited s to join them.

 

First red flag when we all arrived was that there was a $35 charge per couple to get in. Well, actually, the very first red flag was all the single guys smoking weed on the back porch, before we even got inside to pay the $35. I don't mind making a contribution to defray the cost of food and drink, even to help if there's some cleanup costs afterward. But $35, for a house party? Anyway, we went inside, and found mostly single guys of questionable hygiene. The basement playrooms smelled like cat piss, and the rest of the house was not much better. We stuck around for about 15 minutes, then got the hell out of there! We ended up getting the four of us together with a single guy that we all knew, who was as turned off by what he found at this house party and who lived close by, for a fun romp at his place instead. So, it turned out to be a fun night, with a lesson-learned to boot!

 

If we had asked around a bit about this party, we might have learned enough to keep us away. But we might not have been able to find out enough to warn us off, since we knew no one else who was attending the party. I guess we chalked it up to experience. We are not sure that we will always be able to tell if a party is skeevy before we get there, but we know that we can always leave if we're not liking anything we see! as long as you're willing to do that, you can terminate a no-fun evening before it turns into a disastrous evening.

 

Also, You might seek out the organizers of this hotel party, and let them know that you guys are green-as-grass newbies. Perhaps they can help you to feel more safe and secure, or point you to a few friendly and experienced couples who can help guide you through the evening.

[econobiker 165]

2ofUsHavingFun,

 

I looked at the website and it seems like they have been doing lifestyle events for a while based on the wording, faqs, information for single guys, etc. Because SLS now requires all lifetime membership people throwing parties to have a "website" with SLS links, some of the sites are pretty basic like theirs but overall information seems good.

 

I checked for the party on SLS but I think it's dropped off because of being after midnight here, being the "tomorrow" you reference above.

 

Ditto to coupleinMD79's suggestion to let the host couple know that you're brand new. Even email or call them in the morning/afternoon before the party. Good party hosts will give you a tour of the premises or have another designated couple/single for this plus maybe give you rundown of the party's "rules" again....

 

I hope you two have a great time.

[Guest]

Yes, that's our story! Thanks for the tip - and also thanks for the input.

 

I guess one of the things that's a bit difficult is that both of us feel like we kind of want to be friends before we hop in the sack with another couple. Neither of us have ever been one-night-stand people. We're not looking for a poly deal, but we'd like to know that we can hang out and go on a date without being annoyed, freaked out or saddened by our company.

 

Regardless, you think it's best to just straight up meet sooner rather than later?

 

We were looking into some parties, but were worried we might be overwhelmed or not welcomed. Though probably not ax murdered. Is a house party a good place to start for a first time couple?

 

 

I think this depends on exactly what you are looking for / who you are willing to meet, in other words single men / single women / or just other couples as each option has benefits and drawbacks.

 

You sound a lot like me when you say....

 

 

"we kind of want to be friends before we hop in the sack"

 

However, with over 20 years of experience my advice would be to drastically limit the amount of "Friendship" you expect from this situation, because putting it blunt a LOT of people do not get involved with swinging to find friendship (some people do) but in general the idea of friendship is just lip service and something people say. Over the years I have seen countless profiles that reads "Looking for fun and friendship" and when you do meet the person / fuck the person you actually find they have little interest in friendship at all.

 

My general feelings regarding friendship would be:

 

MEN: In my experience about 98% or even 99% of single men are NOT interested in friendship at all. Like stated they might SAY they are interested in a friendship but in reality they did not join a swingers site hoping to make friends, they did not join a swingers site to respect other peoples rules / to have big conversations / to hang out with people as mates / to respect other peoples relationships / to treat people well and with everyday respect / to care about other peoples concerns / to make new best buddies.

 

In fact the prime reason a man joins a swingers sites is because he wants to FUCK!!!!

 

Firstly you have to understand that an awful lot of "Single Men" who are interested in swinging are NOT actually single at all, many of them are married men looking to cheat on their wives, or attached men looking to cheat on their girlfriends and they figure swinging is the ideal way to do that.

 

That basically a lot of guys are attracted to swinging because they want quick / easy / no strings / no effort sex that can not come back on them easily.

 

If you think about your average married or attached men that would like more sex in his life, that would like to fuck some different women other than just his wife or girlfriend then generally those guys only have a few options which are:

 

A) Prostitutes: Sure a cheating man could use prostitutes, but lets be honest that is a dangerous / risky / and costly process for something that would probably turn out to be very bad sex. If we are talking about your average low class prostitute and street hookers then the entire process could only be classed as dangerous. Not only are such prostitutes a massive STD / STI risk but many of them are addicted to hard drugs or have other substance abuse habits to feed which hardly makes them stable, clean, or reliable people.

 

Then add the fact that around the world an awful lot of guys get pulled over by the police for picking up prostitutes, many guys from around the world have picked up a prostitute in their car and drove to a shadowy local car park to have sex with her and shortly after the police are knocking on the window and arrest the man for curb crawling / indecent exposure / sex in a public place and so on, whilst in many cases the prostitutes is let off the hook and is back on the streets within a matter of hours.

 

Personally I have never used prostitutes and always think the sex would be really bad. That I'd pull off the women's knickers only to find a rather smelly vagina that hasn't been washed and that maybe 50 guys have pounded in the last week. That basically I'd NOT want to give her oral sex / that if anything sexual did happen at all you would HAVE to wear a condom for all of it, even if this girl offered you oral sex you would basically have to wear a condom, so in my eyes it all sounds like really crap sex that you have to pay for and risk a criminal record doing so.

 

B) Affair: The classic option would be to start an affair, sadly however such affairs take massive, massive, massive amounts of time money and effort. That if a man does begin an affair with another women then often that man has to spend time with this women / message this women / keep in contact with this women / see this women enough / basically date this women / this often requires the man to pay for meals / pay for hotel rooms / pay for drinks / travel costs / and various other things.

 

To keep this affair going the man basically has to put in a lot of time and effort, he has to treat this women with some kind of respect, has to stay in contact with her, has to take her on dates or spend some social time with her at least. Its a difficult and also risky process as there is also the chance of getting caught, or even the chance of this new women falling in love with you or ending up bee crazy. Like you are aware a lot of guys entire lives, families, and marriages and been brought down by simple affairs gone wrong.

 

 

The basic two options above all cost time effort and money, plus involve some rather heavy risks. Its about this point a lot of guys decide that SWINGING is the way forward, that basically if they can simply meet a swinging couple and fuck someone else's wife then this guy:

 

- Doesn't really have to care about your wife.

- Doesn't really have to spend time with your wife.

- Doesn't have to spend money on your wife.

- Doesn't have to treat your wife with respect.

- Doesn't have to stay in touch with your wife.

- Doesn't have to put in any real effort to get the sex.

 

In my opinion a lot of men see swinging as been a hardcore porn film, that a lot of guys basically sit their thinking:

 

"Yeah swinging couples are sex mad people, if I meet a swingers wife than I can just blast my dick into her whenever I like, they are swingers, they are dirty minded up for anything people, they are swingers so ALL that they really want is sex, this entire subject is just about sex, its all about my dick feeling good. If I meet a swinging couple then I won't have to put in effort / won't have to treat the women nice / won't have to spend money or worry about feelings and friendships, basically if I want sex then his wife's knickers will just drop off, I'll be able to rush round and spend 10 minutes slamming my dick into her and can then just wipe my dick on her bedding and be out the door and heading home before my wife even notices I'm gone, I mean come on their a swinging couple they are sex holes, they are sex dolls, they are fuck buckets, all they do is think about sex all day, all they actually want is sex and that is perfect for me because I want a quick easy no fuss way of cheating"

 

Sure I agree that NOT ALL men are like this, some men do have a genuine interest in friendship and exploring group sex with couples, but honestly the vast majority of men are NOT HERE to make friends, they are here to find a quick easy way of getting sex with women they don't have to care about or put effort into. In many ways what men want is a clean but free prostitute. They want a women that they don't have to pay, they want a clean women without an STD, and basically just want to turn up and drop their loads into her vagina at their leisure and then leave, sadly what most men want is not friendship.

 

What does that mean? It means that often new couples head into this subject and end up meeting a single (or cheating) man and expect to build some kind of basic friendship, they expect to communicate with this new man, they expect to share messages with this new man, they expect to have general evenings of friendship with this man, to share drinks, share food, maybe watch a film or play a board game. In reality however the man pops round and fucks your wife, he judders and shoots his load maybe once or twice, then he pulls up his trousers and runs off and basically you hardly hear a word from them until a week later when their dick is tingling for some more pussy.

 

That sure a guy can fuck your wife, that does NOT MEAN that he will text several days later asking if you fancy a few beers and a hang out. That sure a guy can fuck your wife but that doesn't mean he is going to call two days later and ask if you fancy a board game night as new friends. That actually people who meet up on occasion and fuck is not really a friendship. I think a lot of couples want a friendship when in reality what they actually end up with is a fuck partner, and not a friendship in any traditional terms.

 

 

COUPLES: Well yes some couples DO want a friendship with people, some lucky couples do actually meet sex partners and also become good friends as well. Sadly however actually finding a couple that you match with / a couple that you feel secure with / a couple that equally likes you is nearly impossible. In most cases you will meet a couple, you will get on really well, the sex will actually be nice and enjoyable, but regardless the situation will fizzle out after 2 or 3 meetings.

 

- Maybe your wife gets jealous of the other women.

- Maybe the other mans wife simply doesn't like you.

- Maybe you are to confident for them, or not confident enough.

- Maybe the other husband is a little pushy or strange in some respect.

- Maybe they have different views to you about drugs, drink, or even politics.

- Maybe their hygiene wasn't what you was hoping.

- Maybe they are a unsettled couple that argue and cause drama.

- Maybe they live to close for comfort, or to far away.

 

 

Honestly there is about 10,000 different reasons why you can fall out with a couple / be put off a couple. That actually getting 4 people to all like and trust each other is not easy at all. In many cases you might really like the wife, but not actually like the husband at all. In other cases you might like the husband but his wife is stuck up and dramatic making the situation difficult.

 

You will also find that a LOT of couples do want some kind of friendship along with the sex, but they just have NOT GOT THE TIME to honour that statement. That sure a lot of couples do SAY they want friendship but actually its hard enough for them to find free time once a week to fuck you never mind finding free time for some amazing new friendship. Over the years I have met various couples and let me tell you that finding a time where all four of you are off work / not tired / not looking after children / can be really difficult.

 

Say for example its 3 weeks before all 4 of you have a day off work together, then it finally reaches that day and it lands on your mothers birthday / it lands on your child's birthday / it lands of your best friends birthday / that your wife has already booked a yoga class that day / that you have already booked a fishing or hunting trip that weekend. Finding the time to meet a couple and fuck them can be hard, finding the time to fit in a new and exciting friendship as well can be almost impossible.

 

I also find a lot of couples do strongly prefer to keep their sex partners at arms length. That to handle swinging a lot of couples build up a mentality that:

 

"On Monday night we will meet this other couple and fuck them"

 

"The rest of the week is ours alone, this rest of the week is our time as a family, I don't want to fuck this other couple on Monday and then have them sitting at our house as friends on Thursday and Friday as well. Yes we can fuck them but meeting them all the time as friends would take over our lives. It might be too close for comfort if we are seeing them all the time"

 

Basically I have found couples want to know you when they want a fuck, then in between they kind of vanish off and do their own thing. When we think of the word friendship we often think if talking / getting to know each other / hanging out / spending time together. Really when a couple messages you and says "We are both free next Tuesday night, shall we all meet up and fuck?" Well that is not really friendship, that is more of a sexual arrangement.

 

Like stated some couples do want friendship, but a lot of couples find it hard to actually offer that friendship. I have also found that even when you do meet a couple under the banner of friendship that usually one or both the husbands want to turn the night sexual at some point. You planned to meet up for a few drinks and relaxed chat and sooner or later the husbands are rubbing their dicks asking to nip home for a good old fashioned fucking and wife swapping session.

 

I'd say overall its hard enough to meet a couple that you gel with sexually, ever mind friendship wise as well.

 

 

WOMEN: Well in contrast I'd actually say single women have offered my relationships more friendship than we would ever need. I personally think women are a lot better at mixing both friendship plus sex and the right single women (if she agrees to a threesome friendship with you) will actually offer massive amounts of friendship. That sure every women I have ever met for threesomes has not only been happy to stay at our house for sex, but also visit our house for meals / films / games / nights out / meals out / day trips and various other things.

 

That in my experience a women will come to your house for sex or friendship, basically a mix of both. Sadly however balancing that sexual friendship can be a very difficult task. Generally I find it becomes two different forces pulling against each other, for example:

 

- Your wife/girlfriend agrees that you can have a threesome with this other women (YAY!!!!) but she also explains that really she doesn't want to see this other women all the time, that ideally she wouldn't mind this other women popping round for a threesome once a week / once a month, but the rest of the time your wife wants to spend quality time with just you, quality time with you and the children. That basically your wife doesn't want this other women around your house 3,4,5,6 days a week.

 

- This other women you have just met has agreed to a threesome friendship with you BUT she doesn't really want to be a once a month fuck. She doesn't really want to get involved with a couple who offer her little company / little friendship / and just a once every few weeks fuck. This women agreed to fuck you but actually when she got home a young single man called Alex had just messaged her asking for a date, and actually this Alex person is saying he CAN spend 2,3,4,5 nights a week meeting her / that she can sleep over at his place 3 or 4 nights a week / that she can have sex whenever they life.

 

This Alex person is offering to take her for drinks / take her for meals / meet up for a shopping day in the city / and he is free to meet her any evening she wants. YOU on the other hand can perhaps meet her once a week if you are lucky. I also find that you have to keep in constant contact with a lot of women, that you have to message them everyday / engage them in conversation all the time / invite them for drinks or social friendly meetings.

 

It does piss me off at times but on one shoulder you generally have your wife/girlfriend saying sure we can have a threesome with this women BUT I don't really want to see her more than once a week, on the other shoulder you have this new women who will very quickly become board unless you offer her more than just a once a week fuck. Trying to balance quality alone time with your wife but also seeing this new women enough to keep her interested can be very difficult indeed, but sure in my experience women have offered my relationships massive amounts of sex and friendship.

 

I really do like MFF threesome because generally if you fuck a MAN then the guy will get all excited, will have sex a few times, then will pull up his trousers and want to run off home. That the guys goal has been achieved, the guys balls have been emptied, the guys dick has been sucked so he runs off home once his goal has been achieved. In contrast I have actually had a threesome with two women, I have cum several times, then turned around to the girls and said what now? Shall we watch a film? Shall we order food? Shall we nip out for a drink? And usually this other women is more than happy to stay around.

 

On several occasions I have been having MFF threesomes with two girls and after fucking we would eat food or watch a film, then I'd fuck them both again, then we would lay around several hours and simply chat / giggle / drink tea / then I'd fuck them both again before bedtime. Sadly however I have never dated a women who actually wants another women in our bed 4 or 5 nights a week.

 

 

 

OVERALL:

 

I guess I'm simply saying LIMIT the amount of friendship your expecting, men are not here for friendship, couples rarely have time to offer a real friendship, and generally you will find it hard to offer a women enough friendship and time together.

 

When you say friendship, you would be better thinking a very basic / light friendship at best. Basically when you meet up to fuck you might spend an hour talking first (that is your friendship part) don't expect couples to fuck you and then suddenly be inviting you to meals / nightclubs / day trips / or just to hang out. Generally if you do get an invite from a couple expect sex to be on the cards.

[Ozzie+Harriet 84]

A few simple rules that become automatic quickly:

 

(1) Use a prepaid phone. Activate it without giving any personal information;

(2) Use an email account strictly for this purpose;

(3) Never give out ANY information that can identify you until you know who you are dealing with,

not your last names (or even first names, if you are really paranoid), not how many kids you have,

where you work - nothing. Pass on anyone who nags you to know stuff like that right away.

(4) Meet in a public place;

 

This is all stuff you don't even have to think about once you get a phone and email account specifically for this activity.