Traumatized from running into couple

[beckysue30 16]

My boyfriend and I have been soft swapping for a while, but I still feel insecure about it all. We ran into a guy we previously met a year ago that was married for 10 years with another girl that was previously part of a different couple. They were there together.

 

This is my worst nightmare come to life. Is there not a swinger code that says you should not leave your partner for someone else you were playing with?

[findinganswers 369]

I would think it happens. Doesn't it make sense to date someone you have a common interest with? If you are in this lifestyle, you probably play with a small circle of friends.

[kikonkrome 844]

Hi I just answered the previous post.

 

No there is no 'code', all is fair in love and war as they say.

 

If you are traumatized, that's a bit dramatic don't you think? Maybe you should think through why this is affecting you so deeply? I would look more on the inside about why this is an issue.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

On reading the topic title, I thought you had run into another couple you knew from your private life. Now I just don't understand the question. People break up in both the swinger and the vanilla community. Sounds like that is what happened. I would only be concerned if he was still married to his wife but showing up to the clubs with someone else (and the wife had no idea).

[beckysue30 16]

On reading the topic title, I thought you had run into another couple you knew from your private life. Now I just don't understand the question. People break up in both the swinger and the vanilla community. Sounds like that is what happened. I would only be concerned if he was still married to his wife but showing up to the clubs with someone else (and the wife had no idea).

 

The thing is they were both with other partners last time I saw them a year ago. TO me it looks like they left their partners for each other after playing together. Which I would think most people would be worried about no? Your partner falling in love and leaving you for another partner at the club....

[EastInWest 1,524]

The thing is they were both with other partners last time I saw them a year ago. TO me it looks like they left their partners for each other after playing together. Which I would think most people would be worried about no? Your partner falling in love and leaving you for another partner at the club....

 

Your husband could also fall in love and leave you for someone at work.

 

Or your friend. Or your sister. Or his brother's wife. Etc.

 

Sex is just sex. Not equitable with romantic interest. Don't get me wrong, sex is a big part of a relationship to me, and I won't pretend to speak from experience since we are not a "lifestyle" couple at this point, but if one of us had sex with someone and decided to leave the other over it, it was about more than just the sex and could have happened anyway.

 

Besides, are you quite sure about what happened? Maybe it looks that way, but maybe they're just playing independently of their regular partners these days. Maybe both of their relationships went rocky for completely unrelated reasons. Etc.

 

Like an earlier poster noted, it sounds like this might have hit a sore spot with you for reasons that have more to do with your own feeings?

[Alura 2,775]

I think many couples, when the swing, don't really know how to have fun with sex. They've become to used to making love with each other. It's difficult to develop romantic interests when you're laughing, joking, making puns, actually playing while having sex. I think couples can err fatally when the try to do the same thing with swing partners that they do with their spouses.

 

Laura and I incorporated this concept into our book on swinging. You can read a free sample, without buying the book, by clicking "here" in the signature line below.

[enhancer 1,586]

People leave each other everyday in the vanilla world and in the swing world! Can be for many reasons. If you worry that your relationship is not strong enough to stay for the long haul and having sex with others might cause it to fall apart you might want to reconsider being in the lifestyle. It is not a worry we have with each other at all. No one can replace what we have together as life partners and best friends so it is not a concern of ours. Sex is just sex.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

You don't know the background story. Maybe they both came out of bad relationships and found each other while in the LS. If it really bothers you, just steer clear of them but there's no need to be upset about it. Sometimes people just drift apart and find someone else.

[padoc 1,704]

Couples come and go but we've noticed, in 10 years in this hobby, that our swinger friends cum more often and go a hell of a lot less. We know of nearly a dozen vanilla couples who have split but amazingly or perhaps tellingly, only ONE swinger couple who have failed. A swinger couple splitting might traumatize them, but since you don't know what transpired between them, it ought to be pretty much shrug worthy to you.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

One way to find out...ask one or both of them. I doubt if they will have a problem telling the story about how they got together.

[louisvillemojo 41]

Why don't we just get to the root of the problem. Seeing this other couple brought to light your own fears and insecurities, your scared this could happen to your relationship.

I feel like your question should be more how to address this issue your having instead of worrying over someone else's life.

I think maybe your first time or two or when your considering going into lifestyle, most have this fear. It was never a big worry if mine though so I have no clue how to help. Anyone?

[Tahoecple 319]

My interpretation of what you stated is you were stating your inner most fears. Which I believe, is that either you or your S.O., will be drawn to somebody he, she, or you play with. This in truth is a very common fear from couples first starting or thinking about the lifestyle.

 

My cure for your fears is communication with your S.O.. While it’s a possibility that one of you might find somebody you want to be with more than whom you are currently with, it’s not that common. Explain to your spouse your concerns on this subject, and talk about why each of you are exploring this lifestyle and what you are expecting from it. If there is any doubt in your mind about any aspect of the lifestyle, you should take a time-out until you are confident that you are both in it for the fun of it and are both able to enjoy it.

 

A long-term relationship is one based on far too many things to mention here, sex is but one of the building blocks of a relationship. A relationship built solely on sex, is a relationship with serious longevity issues.

 

We’ve been in the lifestyle for a long time now and I can honestly say I don’t remember any instance that I’ve known of, where anybody we’ve played with have left their spouse for somebody they’ve played with. Anybody that we have known that have split up have done so because of relationship problems outside of the lifestyle.

[ReadynSexy 22]

The lifestyle will not make your marriage affair or divorce proof. The majority of affairs are not solely about sex. I should know.

 

I know very few swingers who have been married to the first person they married. The lifestyle is a hobby not a marriage saver.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

If more couples had more love, trust and communication then there would probably be less divorces. If you and your partner are committed to each other and have the needed love, trust and communication we often talk about here, it doesn't matter if you are swinging or not. Swinging is not a cause of divorce, but a benefit of a great relationship. People who swing still divorce but usually because the relationship already had problems, but usually more people who don't swing end up divorced as well.

[oc1234 436]

In everyday life, my wife and I have learned to never ask people about their spouses if we have not seen them for several years. A good percentage will not be married to the same spouse.

[oc1234 436]

A few years ago my wife and I were soaking in the hot tub of our nudist club. My wife mentioned something about our children. Another women in the hot tub asked,"Both of your children?" I guess she expected people of our age, mid 60s at that time, would have "her children" and "my children."

[TricianMike 788]

I think you should expect to see this happen if you continue to be in this life. People change partners, spouses and friends. The bigger question is you are still insecure about what you are doing. If you are not sure maybe you should step away from this. Don't be pressured by anyone.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Unfortunately, it does happen more often than anyone would like to admit. That doesn't mean it will happen to you. The truth is that a lot of people swing for the wrong reasons. Most of the time that I've seen this happen it's been a case where when or both couples should not have been swinging to start with. Perhaps one partner wasn't interested in swinging at all and the other was. Perhaps there were other issues. This all relates back to one of the most important pieces of advice you'll see here (and you'll see it often) - make sure your relationship is strong before you swing. Don't have any doubts and always be ready to stop swinging if either of you decides that it's time to stop. If any of that is not the case for you then don't swing.

[MarniJohn 172]

Having been in the lifestyle for over 10 years I can tell you I have only met 2 couples who are together after meeting in the lifestyle. One couple did a complete switch, husband and wife met a couple and they swiched spouses. Both are still together after 5 years. The other couple met in a swing club. He got divorced and her husband died. They are now a couple.

I think what you need to do is talk to your partner about how you feel. My husband reminds me often that he is not in the lifestyle looking for someone to spend his life with. He is looking for 30 minutes of fun and that's all. When we leave, we leave. I think most people feel that way.