Rules and/or issues to swinging separately?

[purple4215 55]

MarniJohn-

 

The Mrs. and I have had something of an evolution in our boundaries and habits of play. We started wanting to swap only in the same room with other couples. Then we felt comfortable swapping in separate rooms. When we started going to parties, we became comfortable with each of us playing with people at the party, but not necessarily in a strict swapping scenario. More recently, We have been giving each other hall passes to play separately, meaning separate "play dates" (between the two of us, I have been using hall passes the most). We have been calling what we are doing "swinging" the whole way through, as it seemed like all of our activities have followed the common theme of being known and approved by all parties (and spouse of parties) involved, and being sex with friends without romantic feelings involved. Given that the nature of the relationship with our play partners is no different depending on whether they are a single or a couple, nor depending on whether both of us or just one of us is playing, we think that it is simpler to just apply the same term across this whole range of activities.

 

 

 

CoupleInMD79.... It is like we are on parallel tracks! We'd still love to meet another FWB couple where we all click and can all play together same and separate room. (We have one right now) we've meet many nice couples but having a hard time getting a four way connection sexually. We are considering letting each other play alone a bit. Still in discussion phases. He met someone awhile ago and she played separately and I recently met someone and we are considering allowing this.

 

 

What rules does anyone on forum have for this type of scenario. What issues have arisen? What are things to discuss. We are trying to think about it from all angles but would love any input.

[GoldCoCouple 4,063]

Finding another couple where there is a 4 way connection is not easy...in fact it is very hard, but when you do find it, it is awesome! For us, we would just rather invest the time and effort until we can find other couples that click. We enjoy watching our partner enjoy themselves and if one of us isn't there then watching can be difficult. As a result, we can't really help you with rules to proceed other than encouragement to keep looking for that 'right' couple.

[purple4215 55]

I agree we have and are putting in the effort to find another couple or 2. But this was an unusual circumstance and we were wondering if anyone had any simiar situations?

[njbm 2,861]

It is difficult to find a four way match. But I think swinging separately is playing with dynamite. It makes it easier for romantic feelings to sneak in, IMHO. But different strokes...we now will play in separate rooms, did not do so previously.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

. . . What rules does anyone on forum have for this type of scenario. What issues have arisen? What are things to discuss. We are trying to think about it from all angles but would love any input.

We have had no more than the usual difficulty in making four-way connections. So we do not have this reason for playing separately. And we felt no need to make rules. We both feel very confident that neither will act foolishly or run away. I believe you need to have this confidence before you can decide to have separate p;lay partners.

 

Do you guys go to house parties? House parties are a good way to "practice" separate play without the need to be separated for too terribly long or too terribly large a distance.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

We play separately. I think it is something you should only consider once you are completely comfortable with swinging in general. Generally we will play this way at houseparties that way both of us can find a partner we like without worrying about a four way match.

 

Sometimes if one of us is traveling or home alone we will play with people we know and have played with before. We let each other know in advance and tell each other about it after. I don't play alone with guys, only couples or a girlfriend and a guy.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

The biggest issue that you two need to discuss is how you two would feel if anyone becomes emotionally attached to their play partner. The chances of this greatly increases with separate play and playing with that person frequently. If you two are willing to explore that, then great--keep up with the communication and honesty. If not, then see if swinging separately will only a "once-in-awhile" treat or a more regular basis. Whichever you chose, don't forget to keep your spouse as a number priority. I can be hard to keep sight of when emotional attachment grows.

[love2dp 52]

The only swinging I will allow as far as MY rules are WITH ME there, I participate if I want to. Can't say no to me if you're fucking someone else. I won't allow my woman to swing without me. That's cheating in my book. There should be absolutely no reason to do it without me, nor should she want to. Then there is something more there. Not digging that. There has to be some sort of feeling of "US", Her & I, against the world. I want my woman to be "mine" to some degree. I want some loyalty from her in some way or she's not even my girlfriend. Then she's just some chick fucking me and everybody else. Nope. I have say here or there is no relationship period. Considering I'm happy with swinging and being cool with my woman fucking other men, no reason not to swing without me.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

The only swinging I will allow as far as MY rules are WITH ME there, I participate if I want to. Can't say no to me if you're fucking someone else. I won't allow my woman to swing without me. That's cheating in my book. There should be absolutely no reason to do it without me, nor should she want to. Then there is something more there. Not digging that. There has to be some sort of feeling of "US", Her & I, against the world. I want my woman to be "mine" to some degree. I want some loyalty from her in some way or she's not even my girlfriend. Then she's just some chick fucking me and everybody else. Nope. I have say here or there is no relationship period. Considering I'm happy with swinging and being cool with my woman fucking other men, no reason not to swing without me.

 

Everyone is different,but this would not work for me. We make OUR rules and my body is mine. For us there are times when swinging separate is practical or exciting. There are also times when we determine it's better not to. We are married with a family and a commitment to each other.That is enough. There is no ownership. Neither of us is in charge or the sole voice.

[asncpl 728]

It's not strictly a rule but we generally don't play separately unless we have played with that couple or single person together first. Separate play can offer whole new dynamics. I notice that after playing together, my partner for separate play may take a more intimate approach to sex, and he may do things or ask to do things that he may not do in a couple setting. I think trying it out at a house party is a great idea. You are still in the same party but playing separately.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here: I can completely separate love and sex. We don't play separately often, but once in a rare while, yes. Admittedly it's mostly me. But, separate play, as one person mentioned can be playing with dynamite. In our case, we have no boundaries or rules. We have our own sense of reason as a guide. We have always viewed a stockpile of rules as a trap to looking for trouble. Simply stated, if I thought I was doing something Edison would be troubled by, I never have done it. That being said, I've never been troubled

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Of course, everybody has their own rules, limits, comfort levels, issues, concerns, etc. To those who say that playing separately is necessarily playing with dynamite, I accept that this may be true for your relationship, or for some relationships. I think it happens not to be true for the Mrs. and me, and I think that is the case for some other couples, too. If the particular people involved-- the people doing the playing, AND their respective significant others-- are truly good with playing separately, and communicate frequently to make sure that no issues are creeping into the relationship, then separate play can work well and still be "relationship-safe"!

 

In the case of the Mrs. and me, I think her appetite for play is not quite as high as mine is these days. We have talked this over carefully, and agreed that we wanted to find a way of letting me to continue enjoying the lifestyle as often as I prefer, while reducing the pressure on her to agree to more lifestyle get-togethers than she really wants to attend. So she lets me have separate play dates ("hall passes"), with single women or couples, in between the times that we attend lifestyle events or meet people separately.

 

In return for this, he also gets to play as much as she wants at house parties and hotel takeover events (where physiology often precludes a guy from as many rounds of play as the women can have). And BTW, I'm OK if she wants a separate play date from time to time, too (she used a hall pass while we were on the swinger cruise last December).

 

So, I think playing separately is definitely something that requires extra care and great communication and trust, and may not be right even for some couple who have that in abundance. It can be like dynamite for some couples, but isn't necessarily a problem for everybody.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

It's important to discuss the idea of playing separately, alone without the other partner, but I don't know how any kind of rule would be enforced. Any kind of rule would be a matter of trust.

[freddymike 18]

I don't know. I started playing separately with my partner and ended up in a different town in a different country now with size A transitioned tits to go along with my size 20 cock. When I was going with a few people in adult videochat this week I was enjoying thinking about having got through to new audiences that would include my old and new partners and thought we had both ended up with what we wanted really. Emotional involvement was what was ruining our relationship looking back on it I think because we were both just really sporty outgoing people.

[GoNatural 104]

I'm a single male with experience in swinging and polyamory. Did some swinging in my 20's, then was a poly secondary partner to a married woman for 6yrs +. I'm now moving back to the swinging side of things. Hopefully, hopefully, I'll have a spouse that wants to be non-monogamous in some way, in the coming years.

 

I'd like to play seperately and together. As I think of my past experiences, I wonder what "rules" could be set in place to stop the drift towards egalitarian polyamory?

 

Well, I came across a podcast called Why are People into That?... with some suggestions as to how to keep things casual. The guest on the show was Reid Mihalko. The host, Tina Horn.

 

Why Are People Into That?

 

The tips:

Don't wake up by their side.

 

Don't fuck them all weekend.

 

Don't hookup with the same person more than once a month, unless you're a black belt at open relationships. Twice a month if you're a black belt.

 

Last, group sex keeps things less intimate.

 

Looking at these 4 tips we can see that 2 of them are used by swingers as a generalization.

 

In poly, we called such rules "guidelines and expectations". That seems to encompass more.

 

I think the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd tips are very sage advice.

 

I do certainly think that guidelines and expectations can be a huge help in keeping the other lovers at the level of play partners or friends with benefits, and reduce the slide to deep romance.

 

Really, the people involved have to trully believe that the FWB type relationship(or even more casual) is the holy grail. That's what they'll likely stick to if that is their belief, I think.

[Initwithher 40]

I really would like some input and positive comments. I ll try to make it short, we had our first mfm we met a gentleman then week later we met at hotel, I said to my self and my wife if this experience comes to a 70 % of our fantasy in reality we would be happy with that, so we played and reality was 100% better. So wife found another gentleman she was more attracted to him so we played 1 st time everything was good, had some issues I was not thinking right but we worked our issues with all three of us , since then we played 2 more times with same SM, issue came up as my wife mentioned to me that she thinks he's not getting in to her when we are together like it was 1 st time he's just little nervous around me to be completely comfortable with her, so I suggested that maybe you can spend some alone time with him since he's not 100% comfortable me being there, I figured I coused him not been totally comfortable around me like the first time, I will allow him to be comfortable without me been there.

So in your opinions is this the way you will handle this issue?? Although I tremendously enjoy and enjoyed watching her with him, it was hot to me both ways.

[GoldCoCouple 4,063]

I wouldn't recommend having them spend 'quality' time together, especially when it's easier to just find another guy. If he isn't feeling comfortable with you there (and he knew going into this that you would always be there), then move along to the next guy (there are more than a few out there). What changed from the first meeting when things were fine to the second and third where now he's 'not getting into her'? Either he was looking for one and done and not a two and a three or something else is developing. No reason to leave your lamb unattended with a potential wolf.

[Initwithher 40]

Reason I went along with that was also my wife said since the first time I got little jealousy feelings. So wife said she is not comfortable doing things with him in front of me. She is afraid that it would cause issues again like 1st time. Now she thinks this way is better for her and the single male but going into this we discussed it many times that what turns us on which is me watching her let go and enjoy the sex and all comes with it, also joining in. But now strategy is changing and I don't know if I am comfortable with that yet. Hope this explains a bit more.

Btw, thanks for your response.

[couplers 4,577]

Bill Murray in Ghostbusters: “I make it a rule never to get involved with possessed people.”

 

Sigourney Weaver, embraces him even more passionately than before.

 

“Actually, it's more of a guideline than a rule...”

[ntx_partycouple 16]

It's an old thread but I cant help it...

 

I think by the time you are this comfortable you are beyond enumerated , codified rules but rather are probably worthy of more of a general idea and a considerable amount of flexibility.

 

I went out a bit over a month ago. All my wife wanted to know was were I would be and so asked that I call her as soon as I know what hotel we would be. This just so she wouldn't worry and she could reach me if emergency situation cam e up and I didn't answer my cell for some reason.

Interestingly my plans were cut short and I returned home to find her in bed with a tiny little vibe, LOL I don't think she even looked up when she asked "back already?". I didn't think to ask was she just horny or was it about something in particular... but odds are, just horny.

 

We play separately less now that before, or at least seek that out less.... no particular reason to mention that other than it seems to be the case.

[DorianArcher 21]

It's an old thread but I cant help it...

 

I think by the time you are this comfortable you are beyond enumerated , codified rules but rather are probably worthy of more of a general idea and a considerable amount of flexibility.

 

 

We are similar, in the sense that we know each other well enough that most decisions and impulses are like instinct. Our gut feelings are informed by having both talked through a great multitude of scenarios and also experiencing a decent variety, over the past years. We talk about interests and concerns regularly, and we both know that they could change frequently as well. All in all, it has worked very well for us.

 

Additionally, we started using a reference that we call The List, which touches base on practical expectations. This helps keep any guesswork out of the sorts of decisions that could come up during an encounter – simple or complicated. This is typically for date nights when off with another friend, but it is useful when we’re together with friends too. We cover things like how much communication is expected during the date, when you should be home, agreement on permission for specific activities, etc. The List usually has 6-8 items on it. Even though we have a strong sense of each other’s comforts, desires and concerns about our interactions with others, it is both helpful and a huge turn on when there is an actual list.

[EastInWest 1,524]

We're nowhere near experienced enough with separate play to not have rules. Some of what we laid down "if it comes up" included that we don't need to discuss anything up to oral in advance, but do need to check in about intercourse; that everything that happens gets discussed after; that it will stay at least 100 miles from the house; that there are no sleepovers; and that we'll discuss any second dates or ongoing communication with the same person in advance.

 

So far we've each only tapped into it twice, and it went without issue.

[Sophy 568]

We don't usually play separately, but fortunately we have had very good experiences when we have done it.

[njbm 2,861]

We will play is separate but nearby rooms. We’ve never played separately or with a hall pass, have no interest to do so. Just us, no judgment.

[Numex 2,379]

... we've meet many nice couples but having a hard time getting a four way connection sexually..

We have great four way connections with the couples who we play with, but more than half of the playing with our group is threesomes and alone play. The simple reason is it is easier to arrange and allows for more play. Tonight, as a matter of fact, I'm getting their kids and taking them and our daughter to dinner and our house so my wife can have a quick session with them.