Rules confusion for new swingers

[BPandAP 19]

We are fairly new to swinging. Been to a club a few times and met a few couples. What we are having trouble with is trying to wade through all the different rules couples have. Maybe we should have done more research but we have very few rules for each other. Especially in a club how do you figure out if another couple has rules you just don't like and don't want to play with them because of. Do you wait until you think you might want to play before asking about their rules? Try and bring it up shortly after meeting them during basic chit chat? And if you have met multiple couples how do you keep all the rules set to which couple they belong to? I'm sure it will get easier with time but any suggestions on how to make it easier?

[two4youinswva 3,068]

Maybe we should have done more research but we have very few rules for each other.

Good! Keep it simple and that keeps it fun. The fewer the rules, the fewer chances someone will be upset.

 

Especially in a club how do you figure out if another couple has rules you just don't like and don't want to play with them because of. Do you wait until you think you might want to play before asking about their rules? Try and bring it up shortly after meeting them during basic chit chat? And if you have met multiple couples how do you keep all the rules set to which couple they belong to? I'm sure it will get easier with time but any suggestions on how to make it easier?

 

We generally don't ask about rules until we've all agreed to play. Now, often the rules come up in conversation, so there isn't a surprise. Now, as far as keeping the rules figured out for multiple couples, we keep it straight by only playing with couples multiple times if they don't have a lot of rules.

[BPandAP 19]

What do you do if you agree to play but the rules aren't something you can abide by? Seems it could be awkward. Do you just say sorry don't like your rules so never mind?

[two4youinswva 3,068]

What do you do if you agree to play but the rules aren't something you can abide by? Seems it could be awkward. Do you just say sorry don't like your rules so never mind?

 

Basically, yes. For us, "no kissing" would be a deal breaker. Mrs two4you would break this rule, then shit would hit the fan. So, we'd say "We hate to back out, but we know we'd end up breaking that rule for you, and we don't want to put you in an uncomfortable position".

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Usually, by the time you get to the point of bringing up the play subject, just from talking with them you will probably have a pretty good feel for what type of rules they may have. Of course it's never a good idea to assume anything, so that direct conversation still needs to happen before getting down to doing the deal, but if early on you are picking up a different vibe than what you are looking for, then trusting your gut will be right probably 99% of the time.

 

We usually do something like "So, what are you guys interested in?" That question is kind of open-ended and can determine their interest level as well as cover both scenarios and rules, and then you can steer it where all it needs to go by how you phrase your replies. If you hit a deal killer, then like two4you said, you just say something like "That would be hard for us and we wouldn't want there to be any problems, so maybe we all just need to take a pass this time." What you'd say would kind of depend on the situation too, whether you are at a club and are still going to be seeing them around that night, or whether it's a dinner meet and that's probably the end of the date, or whatever.

[Guest sandraandalex]

There's a saying regarding a problem,"Hang a lantern on it." We made a point of not having rules, just applying common sense and that's worked pretty well. So, especially early on I'd say something like,"Oh, it's so good to meet new couples too. I'm just surprised by some couples that have so many rules. We have two: be really nice to us and fuck in a fun and adventurous way. Oh, one more, I want to be kissed all over. Very important one." Too many rules = looking for trouble .

[kikonkrome 844]

We do much the same ask about what people are into and try to be direct as possible regarding rules.

 

There are times when things don't go as expected and we wrap up quickly. It can be kinda a fine line. We have also been lead on where people are manipulative, so it's normally better to as direct and forthright as possible.

[SA_NewtoLS 163]

We usually do something like "So, what are you guys interested in?"

 

This is what the other couple asked us our first time. We had messaged each other a few times on the site and swapped some pics and then in our first actual conversation with them on kik he asked, "So what are you guys looking for." We got this conversation out of the way early so no one would be disappointed later. We discussed what we wanted while making it clear that none of it may happen on the first date if at all. We still wanted to meet them in person first and go from there, but wanted to make sure we were not wasting their time either if we were looking for something totally different. I guess it would be different at a club or party but I imagine it being similar. First you see if the physical attraction is there, then see if the personality attraction is there and when the discussion of playing together comes up I would likely just let them know what is off limits and ask them what is to see if there are any deal breakers.

 

As for dealing with multiple couples different rules, well, can't speak much to that as we have only ever been with the one other couple and will likely meet with them at least a couple more times over the next few months before trying to go out with another couple.

[Tahoecple 319]

I don’t think anything gets in the way of fun as much as a bunch of rules, but that might just be me. I don’t think of it as a rule as much as common since, but we don’t engage in whatever it is that we know the other has a problem with seeing the other engaged in. A case in point would be to engage in something that you refuse to engage with your significant other.

 

I think this is an area that a couple should be cover in the communication between the two of you before you get involved in any of this kind of activities. This is an adult activity and you should be adult enough to tell whoever you’re with, that you are not into whatever that activity is that they want to engage in at the time they are trying to engage in it.

 

The process for us starts with the visual evaluation of another couple. In short do they look like a couple that we might be interested in having fun with. If they are “our type,” we will progress to the communication stage, and just have a vanilla conversation with them.

 

If we have an interest in them and they show an interest in us I will usually ask them what they are “into,” not to find out what all their rules are but to find out what they want to engage in. We are a full swap couple looking for another full swap couple. If they are looking for the same thing we are we will find a place to engage in those activities. If they are looking for something that we aren’t into we will wish them well and be on our way.

 

Swinging to me is a lot like going out to a fine restaurant, you may not know exactly what you are going to have for dinner; however, you do know what you’re not going to have. It’s all about having fun, enjoying yourself, and feeling better for the experience.

[enhancer 1,585]

In this lifestyle there is nothing wrong with or rude about just straight out asking people what their looking for and what their rules are very early! Better to get it out of the way instead of wasting everyone's time beating around the bush. Just like doing the pic exchange thing online.

 

Although we can and do respect other people's rules it is nice to know what they are before spending a lot of time talking back and forth for nothing.

 

If people have a no kissing rule then we are not going to be interested. Neither one of us is a robot and we would have a hard time having sex with someone we could not first kiss and make out with. Might work for others, but just not how we do things. Also people that do not want to use condoms. Not a risk we will take.

[padoc 1,703]

To us, the more means more potential for drama. We have two and both of those are somewhat flexible, 1. same room and 2. no anal. We absolutely will not play with a couple with a 'no kissing' rule. Maybe its our age, but we link kissing with exploring new partners in hs and college. How hot was it making out in the car or a theater and KISSING? Fortunately, sex for us has not devolved into just banging away mechanically. We LIKE the sensuality of actually playing with our partners, not just boinking them.

@ Sandrandalex, we like your two rules a lot!!

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

At the same time, when we were first starting, we had a bunch of rules. Most of them stemmed from us not knowing how we would feel when we got to a certain point. As we achieved those points, we discussed them and finally did away with that rule. Now we have very few rules, but understand and honor another (usually less experienced) couples rules and/or limits. We don't look at them as 'potential drama' as they are just making sure that each of them are ok about something. Usually the drama comes from other areas and not the rules.

[AskMeOk 148]

This is supposed to be fun. If we need a rule book, we move on. The more "rules" there are, the greater the likelihood of inadvertently violating one and having to face the ensuing drama.

[GMOFLEISURE 221]

This is not really much different from regular NSA dating, or even a bar pickup. The more direct communication before the deal is sealed the better. I recently spent five or six hours during a week swapping messages with a lady just to get to a 'no promises' ftf meeting. We did end up in a sleepover that night & the sex was really great. The extended conversation cleared a lot of unknowns & that happened because we were very frank & direct at times, & avoided a lot of the ambiguous flirtation.

[AskMeOk 148]

This is not really much different from regular NSA dating, or even a bar pickup. The more direct communication before the deal is sealed the better. I recently spent five or six hours during a week swapping messages with a lady just to get to a 'no promises' ftf meeting. We did end up in a sleepover that night & the sex was really great. The extended conversation cleared a lot of unknowns & that happened because we were very frank & direct at times, & avoided a lot of the ambiguous flirtation.

 

I'm glad this worked out so well for you. I'm afraid 5-6 hours of no-promises would have exceeded our "high maintenance" quota and we would have moved on...... I guess this is just further proof that everybody is looking for a little something different!

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Golf is fun, baseball is fun, most sports are fun and they ALL have rule books. In this case, rules are usually just limits so a couple can see how they are doing once they reach a certain point. Good communication is important in every relationship, even if the relationship is temporary and/or between two couples. If everyone communicates well from the beginning, there usually isn't a problem. Bad communication usually equals drama...

[smokinnurse 30]

What do you do if you agree to play but the rules aren't something you can abide by? Seems it could be awkward. Do you just say sorry don't like your rules so never mind?

 

Yes, basically. We've chatted with another couple before and then once the rules were laid out, we realized it wasn't a good match. So you just say it's been great chatting, I don't think we're a good match...

[Sweetcheeks85 16]

We are very blunt, we ask early on that way we don't waste each other's time.

[Scaredstiff 129]

We have a lot of rules but we're just starting out, we're approaching things with a view to getting rid of some or most of these rules as we go along and we're both know we're comfortable with certain things.

We've had some knock backs from more experienced couples because of some of our rules , and just to give you the flip side point of view, we never felt put out or insulted or anything remotely like that, in fact we were always grateful that they were honest upfront, one couple have agreed that they would very much like to meet if our rules ever change further down the road.

We also are in touch with some couples that are happy with our rules and are more than happy to meet up as things stand.

Bottom line is we would never take offense at another couples honesty about rules, sure we've been disappointed a few times that the other couple didn't want to go at our pace but also glad that we haven't been in a situation where the other couple is trying to push past our boundaries, we understand that play time can be a limited opportunity for some and we don't expect them to take a step back for us.