How do you feel when someone is purely focused on your spouse?

[MarniJohn 172]

This has happened on more than one occassion and I would love some input. We are in a swing club and a couple approaches us at the bar. We have met them before but never played. They say hello and the woman turns to my husband and is only focusing on him. No eye contact with me at all. Her husband is standing behind her and she is acting as if she is alone at the bar with my husband. He goes to the restroom and asks me to be nice (I am always nice). I try to speak to her but she's not interested in speaking to me. When he returns I tell him I tried and we go to dance. They remain standing by our seats and I see him watching her while we dance (he says he was not but ya).

 

How would you react? I told him if he wants to play with them, let's just do it and be done. He freaks out and we leave.

 

Am I crazy?

 

I told him that when a woman behaves like this I have zero tolerance for her and if anyone is wrong, it is her. He feels I should have more confidence in him.

Thoughts?

[Mbgdallas 203]

I don't think your crazy but I don't understand what the problem is.

 

I would think what you described is part of what the lifestyle is.

[SA_NewtoLS 163]

I was a little confused as well. If a couple came up to us and the husband was all in to my wife, I would simply shift my attention to his wife. That's kinda how thhis all works, for us at least. If something made you uncomfortable though, best thing to do is talk, not just to your husband, but to them as well. If they are not talking back, I think your reaction was totally appropriate, tell your husband you are uncomfortable. If my wife did this, I would let them know we are not interested and move on. I think it is a little concerning that your husband denied checking her out and is probably something you need to talk about some more.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

It's unusual for a woman to be all into a man. It's even more unusual that her husband isn't showing any interest in you. Finally, if a couple came up to us and wasn't engaging BOTH of us we would consider that rude and find another couple that was more polite. Next!

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I'm sorry you had an uncomfortable experience. It sounds frustrating and confusing for all involved.

 

What is your level of interaction with the other husband? Can you not have a light conversation with all four of you? Why are the two of you not engaging the two of them instead of running off to the bathroom and dance floor?

 

To me, your husband telling you to be nice indicates something about your behavior in the past or the way you come across in social situations.

 

In my opinion both you and your husband should relax and go with the flow a bit. Maybe the other wife is nervous? I don't see any harm in being friendly and getting to know them. Suggesting "play and get it over" to me sounds passive aggressive. Your husband is right to end the evening when you start talking like that.

 

I want to be constructive and kind with you, but I think you need to examine yourself rather than the other wife.

[MarniJohn 172]

Thank you all so much for your honesty. I am not looking for people to side with me but rather to let me know if I'm the problem. Thanks!

[SA_NewtoLS 163]

Thank you all so much for your honesty. I am not looking for people to side with me but rather to let me know if I'm the problem. Thanks!

 

I'm still very new at all this, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but it does not sound like you did anything wrong really. Unless we were there to actually hear exactly what was said and how though, it's hard to say for sure. The thing is though, there is really no universal right and wrong, it is all about what works for you and your spouse. I do think that saying something like, "Let's just play with them and be done with it" is kinda wrong though, that does sound a little like volunteering to take one for the team, which as I understand is not a good thing at all. The fact that he denied checking her out though, when you clearly saw it happening right in front of you, is also kinda wrong.

 

As for if the other couple did anything wrong, that is also very hard to say. Perhaps that is the way they swing. Maybe they look for separate room encounters and want nothing to do with the other spouse. Nothing wrong with that as long as they are upfront about it. Perhaps they are not very good at communicating what it is they are looking for. It would be really hard to say that they did do anything wrong at all because, really, unless someone said no and they kept going, there is not a lot they can do that is wrong, just maybe not right for you.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

I am having no difficulty in understanding your story. This couple's behavior was causing awkwardness and you were feeling snubbed. This is not the norm at a swingers' club or with swingers in general.

[MarniJohn 172]

Thank you SW_PA_Couple. I can handle hearing that I am wrong or did something that was a problem. We spend a lot of time in swing clubs and have been in a situation like this once before but it was reversed. The guy was ignoring my husband so I avoided them the rest of the evening out of consideration for his feelings (even though he said nothing).

 

As for last night, I felt the woman was incredibly rude and disrespectful and wanted him to acknowledge that I had a reason to want to avoid them.

[njbm 2,871]

I get the original poster's point. My wife is particularly attractive. I find men hit on her in front of me, not in front of me, with their wives nowhere to be found. In the lifestyle, we play as a couple and I expect guys to make a move. But what do they think I am going to do, get towels? Ask your wife if she's interested in us as a couple and approach us together. If she is not, move on. Our conclusion is that their wives are not into me or not into men. Too bad.

[sunbuckus 3,567]

We've met couples where one spouse chatted with us and the other did not. It's hard to gauge interest in those situations. It's really a case-by-case thing but usually, if one half of the other couple doesn't chat with the respective swap partner (e.g. the other husband doesn't talk to me or the other wife doesn't talk to Mr. Sun) then we mingle with others and wait to see if they approach us later for more conversation between all four of us. If it doesn't happen, then nothing comes of it and hopefully we've met with other couples. I know this route is more along the club/party atmosphere and not so much with the one-on-one meetings.

 

Most of the time, with one-on-one meetings, everyone puts something into the conversation; however, if one or two people do not, it's usually not a good match.

[Guest]

I tend to be glad when this happens. As GoldCo... said, normally its the other way, the man of the other party focusing on me, the wife. My hubby has become somewhat adept at, when this happens, getting the other wife into a conversation with just him and her. This would seem to make sense if we are interested in swap type activity with them. On the other hand, if we were more interested in some type of foursome or bi wife activity, getting a good conversation between the four of us might then make more sense.

[MarniJohn 172]

At the beginning of the evening, the woman's husband did come over first to greet us. He was very nice. It was when they returned as a couple, she was so aggressive with my husband that I think her husband was caught off guard. He was very nice and I know he would play with me. That was not the issue. The issue was we play as a couple and we are in the lifestyle as a couple. I just thought it was incredibly rude that she was ignoring me. When I tried to join in the conversation it was as if I wasn't speaking. I think her husband was a bit shocked by her behavior towards me.

I would say that we get equal attention in the club but rarely encounter people who try to push one of us out.

[kikonkrome 844]

Typically we find one member of a couple more chatty than the other. We have also had the experience where only one member of the couple really talks at all, that's a pretty big no go for us. It just gets kinda weird.

 

We have had the experience where only 'one' of us were talked to and the other wasn't. I must admit it's a weird feeling. We do something similar to what you did, just kinda bail. 'Oh look a squirrel let's go over there.' We have had the 'stalked' feeling at clubs too, that where ever we go that one couple just kinda seems to follow us. It is annoying I am not going to sugar coat it.

 

In regards to your husband 'looking' her way, that could be anything? Did you ask him? He was probably just trying to process what just happened, "Hey did some woman just chat me up and ignore my wife, that's weird?".

 

I think in the swing club scene you need a bit of a thick skin. Don't let the actions of others kill your good time. If you let it almost anything can get under your skin.

[AskMeOk 148]

Thank you all so much for your honesty. I am not looking for people to side with me but rather to let me know if I'm the problem. Thanks!

 

I don't know that I am siding with anyone, but rude is rude. Period. What I am reading more and more of, in this forum, is people not following what I was taught to be lifestyle etiquette. If the other wife wants some of your husband, she should be talking to you first. The exception is an orgy, but you know where that is going before the door opens.

 

Likewise, the couples thinking of bringing the wife's girlfriend [or whatever girl] into a threesome, should let the girls arrange the tryst.

 

Don't we still ask, first?

[kikonkrome 844]

Likewise, the couples thinking of bringing the wife's girlfriend [or whatever girl] into a threesome, should let the girls arrange the tryst.

 

That works, but I have had luck setting i up and suggesting it. You got to make your own luck.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

I think in the swing club scene you need a bit of a thick skin.

I think this is true!

 

That said, it sounds like the other couple were being pretty rude. It's too bad that the evening was kinda spoiled because of that, but it sounds like a good reason for moving on from them at least.

 

Also, I will say that there seems to be a natural flow of conversation between two couples in this setting, with some conversation among all four together, and some "paired off" conversations. This does NOT sounds like that kind of fluid situation, but some level of paired-off conversation is essential to developing or gauging the chemistry between opposite numbers.

 

Not that this particular couple merited anything but moving on from, but I'm curious, MarniJohn, whether you tried to engage the other guy in conversation while the other woman was chatting with your husband? You mentioned that the other guy seemed friendly, after all. You said he seemed caught off guard by his wife's laser-focus on your husband, but you two might have tried to strike up a discussion together. Also, when you and your husband moved off, did you talk with him about how you felt about that situation? You mentioned an incident where you felt that the roles were reversed (you were being focused on, while hubby was being ignored), and you anticipated his discomfort and moved on from that couple. Were you a little hurt that he did not anticipate or recognize your discomfort in this situation? Perhaps he sensed something like that, but got defensive and angry instead of talking it out with you.

[MarniJohn 172]

"whether you tried to engage the other guy in conversation while the other woman was chatting with your husband? You mentioned that the other guy seemed friendly, after all. You said he seemed caught off guard by his wife's laser-focus on your husband, but you two might have tried to strike up a discussion together."

 

Hi CoupleinMD79,

We were sitting at the bar with our chairs turned around so we could be social. The woman was standing directly in front of my husband and her husband was slightly behind her on the other side of my husband. I would have thought he should walk over and stand in front of me but he made no effort to do this. I would have had to get up off the chair and walk around her to get to him, which I did not because I felt like he should be making a little effort to talk to me. I kept leaning over to make eye contact but he was just staring at her. It was a really odd situation.

We have seen them since and I have discovered that he is extremely shy so I can't take that personally. I have also tried to make small talk with her and she is just not very warm. I have watched them interact with other people and I think that's just the way they are. I have noticed they are not having any success with others so I know it's not just me.

My husband and I have talked about it and he totally understands why I felt that way (always easier when the alcohol is gone). The last time we saw them he was friendly to say hello but took my hand and lead me to the dance floor. They did try to dance next to us but again he lead me away. He got it!

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Marnijohn, I understand what you mean about the other guy. It's tough to be a shy person in the lifestyle! One thing we have been learning, and still struggle with sometimes, is extending beyond our comfort zone to be more outgoing. Sometimes you have to be the one to approach the other person, even if it should not be necessary, just to get things off the starting line! I'm betting that the other guy, being shy and living with his very forward wife, may be more uncomfortable than most at reaching out and initiating things (conversation at least!).

 

I'm glad that you and your husband have talked things out, and are on the same page. Sounds like this whole thing is a good lesson-learned for you two!

[kikonkrome 844]

Marnijohn, I understand what you mean about the other guy. It's tough to be a shy person in the lifestyle! One thing we have been learning, and still struggle with sometimes, is extending beyond our comfort zone to be more outgoing. Sometimes you have to be the one to approach the other person, even if it should not be necessary, just to get things off the starting line! I'm betting that the other guy, being shy and living with his very forward wife, may be more uncomfortable than most at reaching out and initiating things (conversation at least!).

 

I think this is a really important take away from our lifestyle experiences. I have been using this more in normal life as well as in the swing environment and it has been really helpful. Sure you run into some tricky less than comfortable situations, as well as some plain assholes but on the whole I think it has made a huge impact in my enjoyment of social situations!!

 

I would have thought he should walk over and stand in front of me but he made no effort to do this. I would have had to get up off the chair and walk around her to get to him, which I did not because I felt like he should be making a little effort to talk to me. I kept leaning over to make eye contact but he was just staring at her. It was a really odd situation.

 

So I am going to pick on you a bit, but please be assured I am equally picking on myself. I know I have been in this situation and I think everyone has. OMG, I would have to get off my chair and talk to someone:lol:. I know I am sounding mean, and please do not take it like that. I have had the same thing go through my mind.

 

Lately my mantra is go for it!! Get off the chair!! We have met some great couples where he is the quiet one and she is the more outgoing.

 

When we are at a swing club, I purposely do not sit. So I can move rather easily and talk to other people.

 

Anyhow thanks for the post and I hope you do not take my comments too personally as I think we have all been in the 'not getting off the chair', mode.

[MarniJohn 172]

I truly appreciate the comments whether they are on my side or not. I would prefer people point out that I am wrong than side with me because it doesn't help. I will definitely be more conscious next time to "get up off my chair". Thanks guys!!!