First experience, the good, the bad, the lessons learned...

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Cpl1, first, let me welcome you to SwingersBoard! This is a very nice first post! Now, on to the substance...

 

-Were we wrong to be disappointed in the way the evening turned out?

No! It sounds like an odd situation, and it would also leave me wondering whether the other couple is really interested in playing. We have had a similar situation, in our case with the female half of a couple who did not seem to be into the play very much. We played twice with them, just in case the first time was a simple case of an off night for the other woman. But the second playtime was just as unenthusiastic on her part as the first. So we have not gotten together with them again.

 

-Are we wrong in thinking that the other couple, having a lot more experience, should have been the one to initiate?

I don't know about this one. I agree that it might have been nice, and made things easier for you two, but the other couple may have been waiting to see that you two were actually ready to play, and not wanting to pressure you into anything. Our first play partners handled this wisely (in my opinion), waiting for us to indicate that we were up for playing before making any big moves on us. But the fact that you two DID initiate things kind of means that this issue was not a deciding factor on how the evening played out. It seems to me that what they did, or rather what they didn't do, after the play began was the part that is concerning.

 

-Is it wrong to feel disappointed based on the fact that there was MUCH more "give", rather than "take"?

Firstly, I'll say that your feelings are not right or wrong- they are how you feel, and acknowledging and analyzing them is important and useful in navigating your way through the lifestyle! To respond to your question, I think your feelings make a lot of sense to me. I'm sure I would feel just about the same way as you did. Maybe this is how they roll, and if it doesn't work for you, then this could be just a one-time thing for you and them. If we're being honest, I suppose it might also be that they were just not turned on by you guys (if that were so, it would be no reflection on you two- just the vagarities of attraction), but in that case, why did they invite you back to their place? For that reason, I think it's more likely that they just play that way, or that they really were just tired! Sounds like it might have been a long night, with drinks and the strip club, then a while of conversation before playing.

 

Any thoughts, concerns, or criticisms, both constructive and otherwise, we would appreciate reading them. We are wondering if the things we are thinking are normal, or if we are alone here.

Hopefully everyone will keep their feedback constructive! The only additional thing I might say is that, as you mentioned, it sounds like they might not have really been up for playing that night, for whatever reason. It's possible that they went along, once you two "went for it", but were not really looking to do that. Perhaps your thought about ending the evening before that point was a good one. Did you two feel like you might have been putting pressure on yourselves to take this leap on that particular night?

 

Also, their answer on your question about limits could have been more helpful! The fact of asking the question, though, should have been a signal to the other couple that your thinking was heading toward playing. It might have been nice if they had taken the lead at that point, and their failure to do that, or even to respond in kind to your advances, seems to me to have been a sign that they were not really ready to play.

 

While you were talking about limits and boundaries, you might have also talked about turn-ons and preferences, so that you all could play in a way that would please everybody. It's possible that a conversation like that might have also revealed whether they had much enthusiasm for playing.

 

I hope you're not too discouraged by this first experience. Hopefully, you'll soon meet up with a couple where you all click, and everybody can't wait to get dinner done with and get to a room somewhere, so you can rip each other's clothes off!

[CpL1 17]

Thank you very much for your response, MD79! Very good information. We were curious as to whether they were atteacted to us or not as well, but given that we went to two different places before getting an invite back to their house, we took this to be a good sign. We assumed (there is that word) that if there was no attraction, no invite to their house is offered.

 

In any event, even though the play time wasn't great, we still had a good time prior to that. Can't complain about a good night of laughs. We are disappointed with the play time but not to the point of not trying again, and again, if necessary. We've done a good amount of reading and we've found that no two experiences are the same, and not all of them are great.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

We have to second what was said: this is indeed odd. If they weren't interested, one would have thought they would have ended the night earlier (and it sounds like there were several opportunities). Usually, the 'more experienced couple' would assume the lead, but instead they were just 'dead fish' willing to take and not give. Other than a follow up email kind of questioning what happened (to give them a chance to offer an explanation...maybe one of them wasn't feeling well or...something) I would think that they were not worthy of another get together. Sorry for your less-than-great experience.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

Welcome to the forum, CpL1! I'm so glad that you dived head first and posted your situation and questions.

 

I'm going to play "sort of" devil's advocate here because we've been the "more experienced couple" in a couple swap before. For us, when we know a couple is new to swinging, we tend to let them set the pace because we don't want to seem pushy or pressure them into anything. So, it is a bit like walking-on-eggshells. It could be possible that this other couple didn't want to pressure you two and were letting you set the pace.

 

However, it could also be a lack of mutual attraction that resulted in this disappointing experience--which does happen to every swinger couple on both sides of the coin. Then, of course, it could be that some are more passive in bed.

 

Concerning bisexuality, it doesn't mean that they find everyone attractive. They still have their turn-ons and turn-offs. Some people have a greater range of what they find attractive while others have a narrow range. But just because someone is attracted to both males and females doesn't mean they will be attracted to everyone around them. Does that make sense?

 

Overall, I think you're going about this whole experience the right way and seeing it as a learning experience. Not every experience is going to be a winner and with the ones that aren't, you look to see what you can learn from it and hope to apply it in the future. Sometimes, certain lessons have be learned multiple times--we've definitely had that!

 

I hope that on your next experience, it will be a better one.

[CpL1 17]

Sun, thank you for the reply!

 

As far as them playing at our pace, it makes a lot of sense, and we thought about that as well. That was one of the reasons why we/she asked what the boundaries were. Their may have been something said on our end as well to the effect of, "well, we aren't exactly sure how to proceed from this point..." This all after the hour of chat at their house.

 

Regarding the attraction level, we took it as a sign that since we were in three different locations with them, that there was an attraction. If not, we would have been more than fine with them ending the night, and us going home, because at the end of the day, we still get to go home with our partner!

 

We also understand what you said concerning bisexuality. If the other woman is not attracted though, I have to really question why she would initiate any sort of kissing, groping, and even straddling her in the strip club. Also, another sign that she is attracted. If there was none, we would much prefer honesty to a few hours of awkwardness. It won't hurt our feelings haha.

 

Again, thank you for writing. I hope none of this came across as argumentative, or that I'm discounting any of what you are saying. Just want it known that many of these things have come up in the conversations between Mrs. C and myself.

[sunbuckus 3,569]

I didn't see it as argumentative at all. You guys were there and we weren't so you would have more knowledge about the other couple's actions and body language to give you a clearer insight.

[Oceannc 16]

Thanks for sharing the experience. Worth learning for beginners like us

[T_and_K 24]

Thanks for sharing, Cpl1. I can say, from my point of view as a guy, that the other woman's level of interest in and excitement towards me has everything to do with how good or bad an experience it will be. My wife is always enthusiastic, and up for a good time. If there is something that isn't right, or weird, she will give a signal, and we will politely excuse ourselves from the situation. I have been in your position, exactly, on one occasion, and I wish that I had called it off.

 

The other woman was much like you described your partner that night- Somewhat aloof, not really in to things, etc. My wife and her husband, on the other hand were hitting it off very well.

 

I proceeded, thinking that things would turn around, but they didn't.

 

As my wife was giving him oral, his wife and I had finally gotten naked. I was mainly touching her. His wife said "I think now is a good time for you to put a condom on and fuck me." I was semi-hard, definitely not at 100%. I decided to dive in, put a condom on my half limp dick, and fucked her. It must have been nerves and the partial erection because I lasted about 20 seconds before cumming. Basically, I think that she was just doing it out of a sense of duty to her husband. At that point, she and I sat there and watched her husband and my wife fuck for 5-10 minutes. Pretty disheartening.

 

Was I jealous- Yes. Was I upset- A little bit. Did it keep me awake that night- Yes. Do I begrudge my wife for it- No.

 

As we talked about our experience that night, we decided that going forward, we would do soft swap only until we knew that things were going to work out well with a couple. We also decided that we would start playing and getting naked with each other first, and let the other couple join in as they see fit.

 

Essentially, we planed to make any future encounters more about us, and see what another couple could add, vs. trying to get a stranger turned on. Who knows what that other woman likes, what sort of day she has had, what sort of relationship issues or insecurities she may have, etc.

 

I also learned that if I had any 2nd guesses, any inkling that the night would not be going well, that I would say something and head out.

 

Take Care...K