Need advice with talking to my wife

[robo70 15]

Me and my wife have been married for 23 years. It's been a fantasy of mine for the past 10 years to watch her with another man. Within the past 2 months this topic has been brought up, first in joking and then being serious that it is a fantasy for me. She expresses she don't get it, and that she would be mad watching me. She does not flip, get angry, or upset, she just kind of plays it off never really saying no. I think more than anything she knows I have gone out on a limb sharing this, but I'm not sure what to think on what she truly feels and how should I approach this going forward? I was hoping there was a female somewhere that would read this, that maybe came into the lifestyle in a similar way that could give me some advice. Keep in mind my wife is very conventional in bed though she has grown in the past few years. Thoughts?

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

First, robo70, let me welcome you to SwingersBoard!

 

This is Mr. CoupleInMD79, so I don't bring a female perspective to this- but hopefully some women will add their opinions as well.

 

From what you've described, it sounds like your wife is not in the mindset to consider swinging right now. Most people in this world are not swingers, after all. Some are tightly bound to thinking that non-monogamy is disloyal, and cheating. Some hear the voices of disapproval from authority figures- parents, priests, etc.- in their head, telling them that this is just wrong. Some do not have the level of security in their relationship to feel like it can withstand sex with others, fearing that their spouse (or perhaps they themselves) will be too drawn to someone else, and form emotional attachments outside their relationship. Some are simply not that sexually bold or adventurous, being perfectly satisfied with their own partner, and feeling no desire to have sex with anyone else. Some people are concerned about their bodies, being unsure whether others would find them attractive, and unwilling to risk rejection. These feelings are all normal, and if your wife feels any of those things, her feelings need to be validated and respected.

 

If your wife were curious about swinging, receptive to the idea but still with a measure of trepidation (for some of the above reasons), then we could offer advice and support, and tell you stories of people (like Mrs. CoupleInMD79) who overcame some of those mental barriers to entering the lifestyle. But it is not respectful of her feelings to try to change her mind on this if she is dead-set against it. Also, it is unlikely to be successful in any case, and could cause damage to your marriage if she feels like she is being coerced or harangued about this. I don't think you're anywhere near that point now, but if you undertook a concerted effort to convince her to try swinging, she might begin to feel that way.

 

You two are communicating about this to some extent, which is a good thing. But it sounds like she still might not be taking this idea as seriously as you do, and may not be relating all of her thinking on this subject to you. Does she know about this site, and your question here? If she were within closer reach of being receptive to this idea, I might recommend that she poke around here, too.

 

I guess my (unsatisfying) advice is to be respectful, acknowledge her feelings, and don't push. Maybe reintroduce the idea in a little while (weeks or months) in a low-key way, and have some great hot sex with your wife in the meantime! Good luck!

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Welcome to the site! The Mr. here too, but like CoupleInMD79 said in his excellent post, I expect one of the ladies here will be along shortly to offer advice from a female perspective.

 

I'll second the advice that you don't want to push things. I think most successful swingers grew into swinging together. For some that growth may have happened relatively quickly, and for others it took some more time, years even. It's a process. For most, it's not something where they are prepared to just say "uhhh, ok, let's do it" after a few moments of reflection on the subject. You were honest and brought forth your feelings to her, which is great, and now the seed has been planted and you can see where it goes. The good news is that first bringing it up is the biggest hurdle for most people, and you are past that now.

 

One thing that I noticed in your post that seemed to be different from the rest was the part about where she said she would be mad watching you. I assume that means watching you with another female? You say you brought the subject up as a MFM threesome scenario, yet she is expressing concern about her feelings of jealousy. Maybe that is where the next conversation needs to go, figuring out what the boundaries would be IF you were to swing. A purely hypothetical exercise, and you need to make that clear up front, but you both might learn some more about each other's thoughts on the subject by playing the "What if" game.

[robo70 15]

Thank you for your response, I appreciate the feedback. My thinking has been to just casually bring it up as time goes along. Honestly I never thought I would be at this point where we are actually talking about it without me getting smacked..lol. In any event I have made progress just for being able to discuss it, I just was not sure if maybe she is considering because it is my fantasy and not wanting to admit it. I will go slow.. and see how things unfold. Thanks again.

[robo70 15]

Thanks... I appreciate all advice I can get. When she brought up jealousy with me, yes it was being with another female. I expressed to her however that's not my motive or interest. It's all about watching her which she knows I enjoy her body.... Thanks again.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

You have planted the seed, now give it the chance to grow. Don't push, this will only hurt your relationship. Now is a great time to instead work on making your relationship stronger and better. Work on making your communication as open as possible...maybe ask her about her fantasies and see if you can help fulfill some of them. Just don't make her feel uncomfortable about anything she may say. Accept everything and make sure you really HEAR what she is saying (in opposed to hearing what you want to hear). Let her come to you at this point and see what happens.

[Alura 2,775]

I really like GoldCoCouple's response, above.

 

I don't think the opinions of other women are likely to help you. You need to delve deeply into your wife's mind. We found the opening, "Sweetheart, how do you feel about..." to be a good way to make communication happen. Practice using that approach on a number of subjects. Eventually, get around to swinging.

[robo70 15]

thank you.... I will seek what her fantasy world is.... this is really what im looking for now, what pace to go at, i have gotten further than i thought at this point and do not want blow it...

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Good luck and let us know how things go for the both of you.