A bit of a Rant, but Not really.....What do you think?

[AngelandTiger 364]

Hi All,

 

We've begun to experience a bit of a trend....call it a strange habit that many people we contact on SLS (our only online source at present..as Kasidy seems not to have ANY local folks).

 

Here's a couple of scenarios. We find a couple or single we like and send them an email. They respond, and we start to chat. We open our pics, and each agree that we like what we see. Chat a bit more, then I suggest we meet. Never hear from them again.

 

Second Scenario: Find a single male. He's raving about Angel's pics. She likes his. We chat, seems that we're in sync. We don't even get the chance to set up a meeting and he disappears.

 

Sometimes we've exchanged pics, but we are trying to be careful not to do so with people we suspect are "collectors".

 

Finally, I see an awful lot of folks advertising that they'd like to meet a couple for FF, with the other hubby getting in on the FmF, but regarding the other hubby (me), saying he can look but can't touch. A variant on this is that the couple advertises for another couple so he can watch the girls. What is it that folks just don't get?

 

BTW, if you'd like to look at our profile, it's on sls as angelandtiger. Let us know if you'd like us to open our pics for you...we can do that.

 

T

[njbm 2,901]

Amen, brother (or sister)! We've sent emails, received emails with no response. Can't someone just respond? Or even open the email?

 

We live in metro NYC. I think it is easier to meet people at events. There are too many people on SLS who want to chat, IM, etc. but not play.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I think swinging has changed. I won't go far as to say it's mainstream, so maybe widespread is a better word, so then I think you have more people that are just kind of out on the edges of swinging, which more traditionally was an all-play full-swap type thing. If you are in that later group, then yes, it can be aggravating and make the job of finding compatible playmates even more difficult.

 

On the bright side though, there is strength in numbers, and so the bigger the swinging tent is, then the better off we all are. That's not just true for the localized Swingers in the News type controversies, but more as an overall group. We are a market, and so that makes it economically feasible to provide services that cater to this market, for example our own dating sites, travel destinations...and even discussion forums We all benefit from those things, so that's what I try to keep in mind - if having some nonswinging swingers is what it takes to pay the bills to keep the club open, then that's better than no club at all. Is it still aggravating when you run into those types you mention on the personals site? Yep, but we don't have to go into bookstores to buy magazines full of fine print personal ads anymore!

[AngelandTiger 364]

Good points.

 

I'd also add to the rant the people don't update their profiles. I'll get to the end of a profile, and after reading that they're just getting into swinging (something we like), I'll see that their profile is dates 2008 or some similarly distant date. That makes the entire profile questionable, in my opinion, as often a lot of the profile talks about their inexperience or what they want to "start out" with. Who knows where they are now. And these are profiles where the last time on is listed as "TODAY".

 

SMH.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

I understand where you're coming from! I don't get why some people just go "radio silent" after they've reached out to us, or responded with seeming enthusiasm to a note from us.

 

We also have seen the five-year-old, "we're newbies and we like to watch", profiles. I've tried to mostly think of those profiles as an opportunity for a conversation starter, along the lines of "I see that you were newbies five years ago, how has it been going for you since then?"

 

I hear you that these are frustrations. But, accepting that this is the way of things, we try to approach this from the point of view that dealing with these frustrations is just the cost of doing business, kind of a "nut case tax" that we all must pay in order to enjoy the benefits of friends with benefits!

[enhancer 1,586]

We totally get where you are coming from with your points! It can be frustrating, but we have learned to brush aside the many flakes lurking online.

 

The people that have had profiles online for a long period of time, but still say they are new to the lifestyle we avoid. We assume either one of them is not fully on board and we are not interested in convincing them or they are super picky and waiting for that super hot couple to come along and sweep them off their feet. Either way they can stay new, because we won't be wasting our time.

 

As for the people that contact you showing interest that suddenly disappear we just don't get it and there are many of them! We do not bother giving them another chance if they come back months down the line when nothing better pops up for them. We just tell them sorry had your chance and we moved on.

 

Best thing we have done online is taking a no bullshit approach. We will waste no time on anyone that does not seem interested in meeting for a no pressure drink fairly quickly. We make it clear on our profile that it is how we do things and seem to find a lot more of the real people by doing so. We are in this to live the lifestyle. Not talk about it, boost people's egos online, guide them into the lifestyle, talk their wife into it, sext, cam or any of the other nonsense so many seem to be into.

 

For many they do not need to look any further then themselves and the way they are doing things to figure out why the lifestyle isn't working for them. Keep on snubbing people out and wasting their time and you will get no where fast.

[BuiltForSin 66]

Hi All,

Finally, I see an awful lot of folks advertising that they'd like to meet a couple for FF, with the other hubby getting in on the FmF, but regarding the other hubby (me), saying he can look but can't touch. A variant on this is that the couple advertises for another couple so he can watch the girls. What is it that folks just don't get?

 

I have not seen too much yet of the couple wanting the to find another couple and expecting one guy to sit it out. I expect to see it more and more with the "Hot Wife" becoming more of a mainstream thing. It has become a common question from single males: "Are you a Hot Wife couple?" We have met only one couple where the guy wants to watch his wife with another couple so who knows, maybe its going to be a thing...

 

There do seem to be a metric ton of couples that really just want MFF and begrudgingly settle for MFMF - I guess finding a Hotwife couple would be a middle ground

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

For some I think that it suddenly 'becomes too real'. It's fun imagining that something may happen, but when the opportunity for it to actually happen...it scares them away as they must face their own fears. In other cases, they may be a couple but only one of them knows anything about what is going on (as in the man posted something just to see if anyone would actually be interested but the wife is completely in the dark).

 

One of the things that make me crazy is seeing a couple that is online most every day but their profile has something like 'Going to [fill in the blank] on Sept 2015, hope to see you there' or something similar ('Its winter and cold outside, lets warm each other up'). They are on most days, but don't even bother to see that their information is terribly out of date...what else is out of date or inaccurate?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

I believe that after you have had a profile at a Web site for a while, all of the earnest people have already contacted you. The ones that remain are "granola"; fruits, nuts, and flakes.

[econobiker 165]

I have read information about the prevalence of dating "apps" making dating a "commodity" because now someone can surf for dates on a device in their hands. It is now just TOO easy to swipe "like" or send a couple of emails back and forth. But these people don't have "commitment"

 

The dovetails with the "Ikea effect" which is "a cognitive bias in which consumers place a disproportionately high value on products they partially created." "....when people use their own labor to construct a particular product, even if done badly, they value the end result more than if they had not put any effort into its creation."

 

So therefore, investing more into the pursuit of swinging makes people value the end result even more. So think old school: post office box, having to purchase a print swingers magazine at an adult book store, getting an instamatic camera to allow nude pictures, writing letters = damn high investment and high value of the actual activities resulting!

 

I have actually read some "red pill" (player guys after pussy only) websites in which some guy goes after tindr women by using fake pictures of himself (using some unknown model guy) combined with a profile suggesting wealth to see if he can get phone numbers within just a few text messages about only wanting to fuck the women. And he shows success because of the "wrapper" (good looking, young, rich guy) enticing the ladies...

 

Yup, too easy now, and yet everyone wants to be "extreme and out there" now with the "last frontier of counterculture " -swinging-.

 

Great post subject.

[njbm 2,901]

Very good points made. My new theory is that no recent certs, the couple is not playing. Certs from people we know and like, big advantage.

[AngelandTiger 364]

Lots of people tend to say that they "don't accept certs". In our case, we've not been active over the winter, but are really in the "swing" now....very actively looking. So, we don't have many new certs, actually just one. However, I think even one fairly recent one at least gives the profile a bit more credibility.

 

I neglected to mention one other thing that I was ranting about a bit ago. I frequently come across a profile that looks very promising, and send a note to the couple/single. I'll get a note back saying something to the effect of, "We're taking a break" or "We're currently not looking for any new playmates". Nowhere in the profile is any of this mentioned. Now, I assume that in many cases they're just not thrilled with either our profile or our pics; If this is the case, I wish they'd just SAY so! And if not, it would be polite for the folks to at least add an update to the profile saying that they're "not looking right now".

 

Thanks for all the support from all of you!!! Great comments.

 

As usual, if you'd like to have a look at our profile on SLS, and see our galleries, just send us an SLS note. We'd be interested in your feedback.

 

T

[njbm 2,901]

We know one couple that does not accept certs. As time goes on, we observe that the wife rarely plays. They are not going to get a cert!

[AngelandTiger 364]

Remembered my other ranting subject....I seem to be pretty scattered lately. We always advertise that we require condoms for penetrative sex without exception; this is not negotiable. Even if STIs/Pregnancy were not the issue, my wife feels that playing without a condom is just too intimate...she only wants to share that with me. So, in our profile, we unequivovcally state that we "Only practice safe sex. Condoms are required for penetrative sex, without exception".

 

We get lots of replies to our profile. Many of the single males and male halves of a couple provide ample evidence that they've read our profile to the end. Yet these same guys "Can't wait to see their cum oozing out of your wife's pussy", or want to eat my cum out of their wife. The single guys are often fond of dvp, and want to mix our cum inside her.

 

I'm sorry, what is it about what we said that they don't understand??? Was I not clear that there will be NO ejaculating inside my wife? Even if they've had a vasectomy, the STI risk and intimacy issues I previously mentioned would prohibit my wife from doing this.

 

I'd now like to pose a question. We've been approached by several who say they like to do it "bare" after they get to know a couple, but that they certainly understand our desire for condoms at first, and in perpetuity if we would like. For those of you who require condoms 100% of the time, how do you feel when your prospective play partners say something like this? To us, it just means that they are a greater STI risk because they've had unprotected sex, and we pass. I know that, of course, you never know the unprotected sex history of ANY play partner... but this seems more risky to us. What do you think? We don't use condoms/dams for oral.

[Formybubu 56]

I was on SLS today and decided to look at some of the new posting. Almost every person couples or Singles no more than 10 words on their profile with half misspelled. Red flag number 1. Very poor sentence structure and not really saying what they are into. Red flag number 2.

Lastly most have been Free Members. Red flag number 3. Seems most newbies fail to read profiles before posting.

[enhancer 1,586]

We are 100 percent with you on the condom rant AngelandTiger! We do not have intercourse with other people without condoms. That is our choice and we don't care what other people choose to do, but if it is an issue don't bother us. We do oral without and yes there is a risk, but again that is our choice.

 

People need to either respect the way others do things or move on. If we are not interested in the way someone else lives the lifestyle we sure as hell are not going to try to change their mind.

[njbm 2,901]

We use condoms for intercourse. We don't want to have unprotected sex with other people's entire sex history.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

I'd now like to pose a question. We've been approached by several who say they like to do it "bare" after they get to know a couple, but that they certainly understand our desire for condoms at first, and in perpetuity if we would like. For those of you who require condoms 100% of the time, how do you feel when your prospective play partners say something like this? To us, it just means that they are a greater STI risk because they've had unprotected sex, and we pass. I know that, of course, you never know the unprotected sex history of ANY play partner... but this seems more risky to us. What do you think? We don't use condoms/dams for oral.

If you are saying that you want a couple who you play with to use condoms all the time, I'm in complete agreement with having a rule like that. And I would be fine with playing with condoms, all the time with you guys.

 

If you are saying that you will pass on any couple who has EVER played bareback, even if they are happy to use condoms with you, then I think you are assuming a level of extra protection by virtue of that history that either simply doesn't exist, or is so miniscule a risk reduction as to be not statistically significant, particularly in light of the fact that you do not use condoms or dental dams for oral, nor gloves for manual stimulation. There is a certain amount of additional risk of STIs that is present for anyone who engages in non-monogamous sex- it simply can't be eliminated! Acceptance of that fact is part of the reality of being a swinger.

 

That said, I will also say that everybody is allowed to choose their own criteria for deciding who to play with and who to pass on. Those criteria are not always based on hard quantitative thinking. You are allowed to set any conditions you want, and let the chips fall where they may, in terms of other's feelings about those criteria.

 

Here is a small, rainy-day thought experiment to consider in connection with this issue. I'm sorry to say the I would not be shocked if some people end up being less than truthful with you about their history, in order to meet your criteria. How would you know for sure if they had told the truth? That possibility must factor into your thinking, too, in order to take the whole picture into consideration. So, do you accept that extra risk, or do you ask for more definitive proof of the other couple's STI-free status? If you ask for more proof, say a recent STI test report, then you must understand that some STIs will not show up in a standard test panel for months after the person is infected. That is a risk that can't be eliminated unless the prospective couple stays celibate for several months before they play with you! I am going down the slippery slope, to this silly extreme, in order to illustrate that the only way to completely avoid any risk is by staying monogamous.

[BuiltForSin 66]

If you are saying that you will pass on any couple who has EVER played bareback, even if they are happy to use condoms with you, then I think you are assuming a level of extra protection by virtue of that history that either simply doesn't exist, or is so miniscule a risk reduction as to be not statistically significant, particularly in light of the fact that you do not use condoms or dental dams for oral, nor gloves for manual stimulation. There is a certain amount of additional risk of STIs that is present for anyone who engages in non-monogamous sex- it simply can't be eliminated! Acceptance of that fact is part of the reality of being a swinger.

 

We always use condoms when any penetration takes place. If a couple asks us to not use condoms (the common line being "He's had a vasectomy") or they try to just play without condoms then we will not engage in any activities with them because we know they have been with others without condoms. That is the line we chose: We don't knowingly play with others that don't always use condoms. As you said there it is no possibility of eliminating all risk but we are more comfortable with separating ourselves from playing with the bareback groups as best we can.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

We have been offered certs, but never accept them. What we do and who we do it with is our own business and nobody else needs to know. That we are lifetime members should be more than enough to let anyone know that we are interested and real.

[njbm 2,901]

GoldCoCouple, I respect your choice on certs. And we try not to kiss and tell with any details. But if I am looking on SLS for a local couple to meet, I am going to pass on couples with no certs as inexperienced or uninterested in the lifestyle. A couple with no recent certs is inactive, it would seem, and perhaps not that into it.

[stonemtncouple 45]

We have found an abundance of "hope to swing one day" men. They pretend to be a swinging couple to experience a fantasy.

Select paid members only, ask to talk on the phone with both husband and wife before investing in endless emails picture swaps and texts. Better yet go to live meet and greets. Meet real live horny people! It's so much better and faster to making great friends than being "catfished".

[MarniJohn 172]

I have heard before from many people who are on SLS that they do not believe the site is honest. Just like Ashley Madison, people have been questioning the integrity of the site for a while. It seems too many people have had the same experiences that I am reading on this thread. The people they contacted were interested and communicating until they wanted to meet. If you think about it, it doesn't make sense for this many people to have the same experience. I never hear this from people about Match.com or Jdate or any of the other sites so it does make me wonder...

 

As for the condom conversation, it blows my mind that people think it is ok to play without one. I understand the risks of oral sex so I understand this argument. Yes, you can get STDs through oral sex but the likelihood of HIV is significantly increased through penetration as compared to oral exposure.

[BuiltForSin 66]

I have heard before from many people who are on SLS that they do not believe the site is honest. Just like Ashley Madison, people have been questioning the integrity of the site for a while. It seems too many people have had the same experiences that I am reading on this thread. The people they contacted were interested and communicating until they wanted to meet. If you think about it, it doesn't make sense for this many people to have the same experience. I never hear this from people about Match.com or Jdate or any of the other sites so it does make me wonder...

 

For AM the issue was with the site itself "faking" data to make it appear there were many more active women than their actually were. With SLS (and I would imagine with all the major swing sites) it is not the site, it is the people using the site. With this type of activity there are always going to be a higher percentage of people filling out profiles out of curiosity, fantasy, that can;t follow through and back out at the last minutes, etc.. SLS gives free profiles a bit more access so they might have a higher percentage of loooky-loos

[MarniJohn 172]

My husband and I are extremely active in the lifestyle, have been swinging for over 10 years. We have profiles on SDC and SLS but right after signing up decided we prefer not to meet couples that way. We are lucky to live close to a very busy club. I wouldn't put so much emphasis on certs as I have seen many couples I know with tons of them and I know for a fact they don't swing much, just have many friends. Last time I checked we had quite a few people who tried to cert us and we didn't accpept them. We also don't like to kiss and tell. Nobodies business who we play with.

[M1F2KTJ 473]

Here's a couple of scenarios. We find a couple or single we like and send them an email. They respond, and we start to chat. We open our pics, and each agree that we like what we see. Chat a bit more, then I suggest we meet. Never hear from them again.

 

Second Scenario: Find a single male. He's raving about Angel's pics. She likes his. We chat, seems that we're in sync. We don't even get the chance to set up a meeting and he disappears.

 

Chatting, emailing, texting or whatever about having sex with you and your wife is just a fantasy to some people. You never know who is on the other end of the keyboard. Those people will disappear when it comes to a serious meet and greet.

 

Sometimes we've exchanged pics, but we are trying to be careful not to do so with people we suspect are "collectors".

 

I'm a pic collector. Send me the sexiest pictures of your wife.

 

Accept the fact that when you are dealing with strangers online that you are touching a world of personalities. It's best to play local. Get out of the house. The best advice is to get to be a "regular" at a local bar or club. Over time, conversations and relationships will develop.

 

Trying to hook up with someone online is faster but it has the most risks.

[kcjones 59]

We use our online profiles to keep in touch with people we meet at events. We would drop out of the lifestyle, or limit our involvement to sexy vacations, if swinger sites were our only method of meeting new couples. As swinging continues to become more mainstream, club events will become more like online, full of lurkers. A great example is Halloween parties at lifestyle clubs.