I could use some experienced input on emotional attachment.

[Duncan 19]

A little background to help narrow things down for you.

 

Middle aged man, been single for the last ten years doing the full time parent thing for my 4 boys.

I pretty much closed up the romance shop during that time.

 

Now that the youngest is finally off to college, I'm looking at the guy in the mirror and thinking..."now what?" Well, that and "when did those wrinkles show up?"

 

After some self assessment, I decided that I would be OK if real love was not in my future. Sad, to be sure, but a very real possibility.

 

Having been previously in the lifestyle during my marriage, I decided my new venture forward was going to be in this direction. Yeah, I know....good luck single male.

 

Joined the board here and did the reading. This place IS a real resource!

Created a long-winded and conversational SLS account. Here's where it gets interesting.

 

Within a few days, several couples contacted me, but one stood out. A very nice pair that have been married for over 20 years. Medical complications have taken away his ability to perform and he truly wants his wife to be happy. They've decided, over a years time, that they both would like to see if they could find a way and they reached out to me.

 

We all met and spent a day "hanging out" - tinkering with cars, helping in the kitchen and we genuinely like each other. Of course by evening the topic of how this was going to work came up and we set up our boundaries.

Being very clear about developing emotional attachments, we decided that it would be best if we were all together and things could stop anytime anyone felt the need.

 

Things went very well. I was able to satisfy her need for full contact and as far as I can tell, his need to show her how much he cares. Everyone's in a good place right?

 

Here's the thing. As the evening was wrapping up I could sense that there was some difficulty on her part to remain, how can I put it.... unattached? Sensing this and as tenderly as possible, I reminded them of my role in their life, and the message seemed to be received.

 

A few texts during the week and 1 call show no clear signs of trouble, but something tells me I need to be careful here.

I realize that after a long period of abstinence, it can be somewhat intoxicating to be back in it and I'm really hoping that this is all it is.

I really like these folks. They're helping me and I, them. The last thing I wish to do is screw this up or hurt anybody.

 

These guys are not swingers, they didn't go into this because they wanted to. They're in because they love each other and this is what they have determined is their best option.

 

So, I guess my question is, what might be good ideas to help build the emotional fence needed to maintain the dividing line between myself and her.

I've never "swung" with non-swingers and am at somewhat of a loss to know the right moves to make here.

 

I have planned to spend more time with him just bonding as friends and am letting them as a couple decide the pace of contact.

 

Well, there it is. I'm open to any and all advice.

Thanks for being here.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

This is an interesting one... As I think you know, since you are the only swinger in this thing, you will have to lead the way in coaching them about how to have a relationship that is "friends with benefits", but does not go beyond that.

 

Can you describe in more detail what happened to make you think that she was having trouble remaining unattached? Did she say or do something to make you think that she was developing deeper feelings toward you? Did these signals happen with her husband present, or while he was apart from the two of you? And how did their reception of your message about your role indicate to you that the message was received? Knowing a little more detail on these points might help us to gauge their thinking.

 

You could, I suppose, keep things at a greater distance overall. Keep it light during playtime, without a lot of passionate kissing and talking, don't hang around a lot after play time is over, etc. This is actually not my preferred option, because it may tend to make you feel like a piece of meat after a while. And this all works best if everybody is enjoying things!

 

Keeping him around during play time seems like a good idea. Perhaps that will suppress any impulses on her part to say or do something during play that the two of them will regret, and should help guide the relationship in a more productive direction for all three of you. I agree that developing your friendship with him is a good idea as well, as it will help him to feel more comfortable expressing any feelings of jealousy that may creep in.

 

Continued reinforcement of the idea that this is friends with benefits, and that romantic feelings between the woman and you are inappropriate, seems like a good policy. I'm not talking about beating a dead horse- only the notion of offering that reminder once in a while. These reminders could be mentioned in the context of a regular check-in that you do with them, openly and honestly discussing how everybody is feeling about things, and soliciting their thoughts.

 

And for goodness sakes, don't say the word "love" to them!

 

Good luck, and let us know how it's going!

[Duncan 19]

Thanks for the excellent points, as usual I might add.

 

Yes I agree, the responsibility of being the guide in this falls to me. I'm good with that.

It's one of the reasons I'm here, now.

 

As far as the attachment sense I was picking up, I guess I need to be specific.

 

As I'd mentioned, things went really well overall. The nervousness of being naked with a stranger faded quickly and it helped that her husband took an active role in reassuring how he was feeling about her and what was taking place.

I felt that the right path was slow and gentle, rather than heated fucking, for several reasons.

Right or wrong, that's the way it went.

After the first 'round' there was the gentlest whisper of "thank you" while still embraced. Not really a red flag, but not said for anyone but me.

 

Later on there was an outreached face stroke during conversation. Again, not a signal flare, but when combined with eye contact it's a red flag for me.

 

Lastly - and I could be mistaken here, as we were all bidding each other good-bye I swear I saw a wink. Now it could have been a one eyed blink (yeah right) or maybe it was just a playful thanks again/see ya later thing.

To me a wink is a persons way of saying "I know something-you know something-those around us don't"

 

Now this could all be in my head. I might not have seen what I thought I did, no one's perfect.

 

Being that this is all in the beginning stages of...whatever it is, that I do have the chance to correct any missteps.

I'm thinking communication is my only real tool here. These are intelligent people making a huge step in their lives.

I feel a duty to be kind and honest with them, so maybe that is really the only way to go about this....correction.

 

I just need to find the right words in the right setting and hope that they "get" what I'm saying. I'm sure I can do this and I know I need to talk with them together rather than separately.

 

Funny you should mention the "L" word. There was a situation where she did let slip " I love it when you do that". I just glossed it over and said that I like it too.

 

Thanks for your thoughts, will keep you updated.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

Judging from what I am reading, you are going to know what is the correct path as you move ahead. The only thing that I will add is to continue to search for other playmates.

 

Great question, by the way.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Welcome! I'm glad you found a nice couple to play with.

 

I think the little things you noticed are pretty normal/natural given the situation and she probably does have some romantic feelings for you. She finally has gotten the sexual connection she's been looking for. She doesn't have the background of being a swinger.

 

Truthfully, I probably do most of those little things with my swing partners. My husband is still my primary love and concern. She and her husband will need to work out what is acceptable for them.

 

I would absolutely minimize phone, email, text, facebook, etc with her. Speaking from personal experience, becoming part of someone's day to day life leads to love quickly. I would not go out with her alone or play alone for a very long time.

 

I would find other partners, let them know you have other partners and that you are not looking for a relationship.

[Duncan 19]

Thanks for the feedback folks.

 

All spot-on advice. I'm taking all of it.

 

Here's some from me. Don't forget to remember that by taking the time - your time - to help people like me, you're doing something special.

Hope I can pay it forward.

 

I've had to do most of my figuring of problems by myself for some time now. Gramp's used to call it "keeping your own counsel". Can't say I've made too many mistakes.

When it comes to human events, sometimes it takes more than one brain.

 

On reflection of my problem and question, I think I need to look deeper in the mirror.

What signals did I give that might have been taken for something else?

Were my words chosen carefully enough?

Did my actions match my boundaries in spirit?

Was I too intimate in the connection?

Did I unintentionally treat them as swingers instead of who they were?

You get the idea.

 

I'll think these things over and try to answer myself honestly as I'm the one who has the responsibility of leadership.

 

My gut tells me this is really quite fixable and I want it to be, so I suppose it's just a matter of tact and time.

[kikonkrome 844]

You know all the things you describe are pretty common. I don't think she is falling for you, just being flirty and affectionate.

 

I am not really sure how your experience has been in the past, but our partners have been affectionate and I thought it was hot and called for. I think the something more would be more interaction outside your play time with the husband present. I have absolutely zero experience with that so I will leave that for others.

 

Look it would be pretty normal for you to analyze this backwards forwards and sideways if it's your first time with a long hiatus in between.

 

I would just wait and see if they call again and take it from there. In meantime look for other partners.

 

Good luck and have fun

[sunbuckus 3,569]

So, I guess my question is, what might be good ideas to help build the emotional fence needed to maintain the dividing line between myself and her.

I've never "swung" with non-swingers and am at somewhat of a loss to know the right moves to make here.

 

Hi, Duncan! I figured I'd add in my two cents to your thread.

 

Emotional attachment is much more likely to occur the more one-on-one time you spend with your partner, in and out of the bedroom. So if you wish to maintain a distance, I wouldn't engage in spending a lot of personal time with her.

 

Second, I would highly recommend that both you and the other couple find many other playmates. If you rely on just one playmate, it's easy to fall into emotional attachment.

 

Third, some are more affectionate than others. It may not mean that they are "making love" or feel love toward you--it could be out of pure habit. If such behavior bothers you, you can either speak up and let them know it makes you uncomfortable or you can find other playmates or both.

[gingerandwasabi 39]

I think you sound like just the right guy to make sure things stay positive for all involved. Perhaps you could suggest a book on swinging like Just Ask Julie" that would help them consider their emotional parameters. The truth is there is really no right or wrong. One couple might maintain a one and done view of swinging and another might be comfortable with long term polyamory. Obviously most are somewhere in between. I tend to lean toward the simplicity of just a few play sessions with possible long term friendships to follow but my wife prefers building friendships first and playing over time and just seeing how it goes. Yet either of us might act as your partner did with the thank you, cheek graze, and wink. certainly knowing what to say afterwards comes easier over time. I think one of the best things to do to keep things in perspective is to thank your play partner's spouse so that everyone realizes it is really by their approval that this happens.

Best.

[MarniJohn 172]

I agree that this is such an interesting question, glad to started the thread. My two cents: Contact on the outside should only be between you and the husband. Develop your friendship with him and keep your relationship with her "through" him. He must always be present when the two of you get together. I agree that you must look for other playmates and let them know that they should as well.

Good luck!!

[Duncan 19]

Thank you. You guys rock.

 

I suppose when starting over like I am with the circumstances as they are, any amount of certainty probably can't be expected. We're all pretty much just relying on personal character and a reasonable amount of caution.

 

Oh, and sunbuckus, that post was golden

 

OK - here's the latest.

 

We've had fairly limited contact this last week, but was invited over yesterday for a visit. There was no discernible tension and I was figuring that most of my concerns were probably originating from inside of me.

Kind of like the scary movie line - "The call is coming from INSIDE the house".

 

We were relaxing, just having coffee and chatting when he asked in an interested tone how I was feeling about them as a couple AND as individuals.

Can you see why I like these guys?

 

We must have spent the better part of an hour in one of the most open and satisfying conversations I've had in years.

The topic of where she and I are at in terms of the level of affection during play, things I can do for them as a couple (and things I cannot), expanding both of our circles of friends as well as not investing too heavily in time together so early on.

 

After getting this all out there, acknowledged and accepted - I felt much more at ease being honest about the concerns I had mentioned in my postings here, so I did.

 

What happened next took me by surprise.

She turned to her husband and kissed him. Turned to me and smiled and said " I'm more in love with (husbands name) than I can ever remember being, he's my only". "And yes, I know I was feeling more than I should have last week, mostly just overwhelmed. I'm good now".

 

As you can see, things are well.

I spent the rest of the evening helping trouble-shoot his temperamental lawn tractor and departed without feeling the need for a hug, kiss or handshake. Just a 'stay in touch, talk to you soon' type good-bye.

 

Ya' know - I never figured I would be where I am, at this point in my life.

On reflection, I hope I have the grace to simply be thankful.

 

That's all I got.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Glad it's going well!