Some well thought out advice please

[Bedrockers 16]

OK, here goes, might be long! We've been at this for almost two years now. We've had some great experiences and some not so great. Our biggest issue is we are quiet! We are the ones that sit back and watch everyone because we really enjoy doing so and because at the ripe old age of over 50, neither one of us is good at starting a conversation! We keep up just fine, but are not initiators. I'm more shy than he is, he is just quiet, not shy at all. Usually in a relationship one or the other is outgoing, but no, not here!

 

Last year was my hubby's 50th birthday and we went to a resort in California. It was loud, crowded, overwhelming, did I say loud? It was a total sensory overload for us both. Needless to say we didn't really converse with anyone because we couldn't hear a damn thing! We've been to a house party with no action, a meet & greet where everyone knew each other, a couple of other weekend events, but the bigger the crowd, the worse it gets.

 

This birthday we are going to a small swingers lodge, there shouldn't be more than 20 people all weekend. I need ice breakers, something to scooch us on into the "crowd"! People say "you've got to step out of your comfort zone!" Geez! We're at a swingers event!! I just need some creative feedback to help us on our way! We have NO problems once we are engaged in conversation or in great sex, we just have problems with 3,2,1 speak! Thanks in advance for anyone who is willing to offer advice! We'll be on the road all day tomorrow and part of the next! One giant leap!

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

The Mrs. and I are at about the same experience level as you. I think we are maybe a bit more outgoing than you describe yourselves. That said, I can certainly relate to your experience of feeling like everybody knows everybody else at a big party, and not feeling comfortable breaking the ice with strangers in a setting like that.

 

Now I sense that the "gotta step out of your comfort zone" advice rankles a little bit, given that you are already perhaps outside of your comfort zone by virtue of being at a swinger party. But if you look objectively at your results at events where there are larger crowds, the undeniable fact is that, however much you feel like you're going beyond your comfort zone, it's not enough to get you to where you want to be, and feel more comfortable being- past the icebreakers, and into an interesting conversation or even playing. I suspect that you know this, and understand that you will have to "just do it", if you're going to get more comfortable. There's no doubt that this puts you in a vulnerable position, and opens up more possibilities for rejection. But this is, in a sense, part of the cost of doing business when you're engaged in "social sex"!

 

When you see a couple you'd like to meet, one easier way to break the ice is to encourage them to do the talking! People are more generally comfortable talking about themselves, and of course enjoy the feeling that others are interested in what they have to say. You could try asking them something about themselves, or finding something about them that appeals to you to inquire about. For example, if the woman has an interesting piece of jewelry, or some striking body art, you could walk up to them and say, "Hi, we are John and Jane. We were noticing that necklace you're wearing- it's really beautiful! Where did you get it?" Or "Hi, we are John and Jane. That body art on your shoulder is really cool!" Or, the old standbys, "Hi, we are John and Jane. How long have you been in the lifestyle?" and "Hi, we are John and Jane. How did you get into the lifestyle?" Once you've done this entrée into conversation, really listen to what the other couple is saying, and look for things that sound like topics of mutual interest, areas that they seem interested in talking about, and opportunities to ask followup questions.

 

If you happen to spy a couple who also appear to be having trouble mixing, you know you already have a topic of mutual interest! "Hi, we are John and Jane. It's hard to break the ice in a room full of strangers, isn't it?" Coming across with an immediate admission of vulnerability is a more socially risky thing, but it also offers the opprtunity to help the other couple feel more comfortable knowing that they are not the only ones in that predicament.

 

By the way, we ourselves generally prefer couple-to-couple get-togethers over big parties, in part because of the difficulties for us in engaging with people in a huge party situation. It actually feels a little competitive, doesn't it?

 

Hopefully, this advice come across as well thought out! Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

[Bedrockers 16]

Thank you! It did come as well thought out. I'll share it with my husband when we hit the road this afternoon. It's much appreciated!!

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Bottom line is just say SOMETHING, anything will do. Most of the time they are as nervous as you are and just hoping that someone will talk to them as well. Good luck.

 

We expect to hear a report back as to how things went.

[Bedrockers 16]

I decided to take notes on our adventure, some of you may pick up what I'm putting down, some may not.

 

We drove 4 hours the first day and 5 the next, that's a haul in itself, especially filled with anticipation and uncertainty. We arrived about 2:00 in the afternoon, our host gave us a half-assed tour and then deposited us in our room. We unpacked a few things, freshened up and went to meet everyone else. All in all there were about 8 couples. We sat down to dinner and discovered that everyone knew each other but us. If you regress back to high school and pick up the label that was given to you, you'll feel right at home. I was a outsider, a weird one, different. My husband belonged to the same label, we just didn't know it until today, Tuesday.

 

Now, the pretty people were a different niche, they were hooked up with each other, built, snobby, etc. When we were naked in the hot tub they talked to us but no one approached us (and we thought we were doing good!). We talked to everyone, meeting their eyes, engaging in conversation, we really stepped out of the box. My hubby even went and was totally direct with a couple he thought we were doing well with! She was too sore from the night before to play, and we believed her. So naive.

 

Needless to say at midnight we went up to play in the swing with each other and there they were in full blown play, right in front of us. So we had been refused and lied to in the same sentence. It is a blow to your confidence. We broke bread with these people yet they judged us and classified us as outsiders. There was no crack to break thru, even though on an educational level and economic level we were above the majority. Most were bikers, which we were comfortable with, both of us used to belong to an MC. None of the other women wore a patch before. None of them even gave us a second glance after the hot tub, my thoughts are that play time had been prearranged and we were not included.

 

I wonder in my mind what it was that made us unapproachable, we both have lingering thoughts, wondering which one it was, what could we have said. All in all the whole 5 days were a bust except the soak we did in Truth or Consequences, that was fantastic! So about $500.00 later, and exhaustive driving, mind blowing shunning from the pretty people, and being treated like we have the funk, we came home. Couple to couple we do ok with, but anything more is just a big SNAFU. We both practice good hygiene, both have manners and respect, neither are UGLY! We are just beyond the boundaries of trying to deal with the run around you receive in this lifestyle.

 

Our profiles are AZBedrockers on Hotmatch and SLS. Feedback is appreciated, just be nice, we are all supposed to be adults!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

OK, willing to do that review. But your SLS profile name is apparently not Bedrockets.

[Bedrockers 16]

No, it is Azbedrockers.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Bedrockers, you guys sound a bit frustrated! And from what you related, it does sound like this particular party was a frustrating experience.

 

It's tough from our perspective, as people who were not there, to give you a good analysis of what happened. But the explanation that is possibly the most useful (well, least destructive to your confidence, anyway) is that, as you suspected, the group at the party was an insular clique that just didn't welcome strangers. Or that the particular couple that you offered/asked to play with are just thoughtless jerks!

 

We had a similarly unhappy experience (not very similar to yours in the story, but similar in the feeling of rejection) at a swinger resort once. We had been talking with a couple, all of us nekkid in the sexy rooftop hot tub, and actually got to some pretty hot foreplay there, and it seemed like we were headed to one of the nearby beds for some fun. Then this other couple abruptly got up out of the hot tub, saying that they had to get their drinks refilled. A few minutes later, we spied then on one of the beds, playing hot and heavy with another couple. We thought they might be looking to make it a sixsome, since we and they seemed to be getting very excited in the hot tub. When we approached the bed where they were playing, they looked up an told us to go over to another bed, and wait forthem until they were finished! Uh, yeah- no thanks.

 

That experience of being explicitly disrespected by a couple was not a fun one, but it did help us to develop a thicker skin. And several other experiences of ours have served the same purpose! But we now try (don't always succeed, but we do try!) to move on and not linger on a bad experience or a rejection.

 

So, I took a peek at your SLS profile. It looks good to me! Overall, you come across as a fun, interesting, sexy couple. I can see a few echoes in your profile of possible unpleasant experiences in your past that you want to avoid repeating. But most everybody has one or two of the "if you're , please move on" kinds of statements in their profile.

 

How do you feel about doing swinger-ey stuff on Facebook? We have joined several local lifestyle groups on Facebook, and have met lots of fun people that way. We've also been invited to many meet-and-greets, club takeovers, and hotel parties through our membership in FB groups, as well as making some new friends for private get-togethers. We keep this stuff safe by having a separate FB account, just for lifestyle things.

 

I hope you are not too discouraged, and will keep trying!

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

First, we are so sorry to hear about your poor experience. The fact that everyone there were already 'a group' is probably the only problem you encountered. They were a group and there just wasn't room to let anyone else in. We also ran across this the last time we went to a swingers resort (Cancun). We went with the other couple we have been seeing and while in the pool ran across several couples who had all come together as well (I think it was 4-5 couples). We talked with several of them, seemed to hit it off, were having a good time, even some light touching, when they all suddenly left us and retreated into their little group and disappeared. They were all comfortable with their group and even though we seemed to be 'fitting in', they left us out. Not a big deal and even though we KNOW it was nothing personal, it's still hard not to take as somewhat personal (even with our seasoned 'thick skins'...they only appear thick). All I can say is that even though it appears personal, it isn't. You just haven't found the right couple/group yet. This is one reason we always say to go into something with no expectations since somethings it just doesn't happen...for whatever reason. Sometimes even visiting a lifestyle resort where there are 100+ people there, it doesn't guarantee that anything will happen (as in our last visit...other than the couple we went with and being there over a week, we didn't really even have the chance to play with anyone else). Don't give up, just be patient. Maybe try a house party or club. There's at least one other couple out there looking for you, you just need the chance to find each other.

[Bedrockers 16]

Thanks to all. I guess it's our skin were need to work on! We usually do will with singles or couples, we would just like do better in groups (maybe, we've never done that!). We've also decided to make out travel circle smaller. No more out of state, keep it in a 200 mile radius!

 

It just got our goat do to speak! We stepped out of our box, have it the old college try and still weren't able to connect so we're going to change a few things and give that a go!

 

Do appreciate the feedback!��

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

No, it is Azbedrockers.

Here's the thing. You should not expect too much too soon at a Web site like SLS. I am fond of saying that it took my wife and I a year to gain a success at SLS. But once we had a start, the results snowballed. You'll see.

[freddymike 18]

A few too many bad experiences in a row and you could end up like me.

But I agree with the bit about just say something.

You can always back out if you find yourself saying the wrong things.

Good luck.

[JessicaJamison 861]

On 5/26/2016 at 2:31 AM, Bedrockers said:

OK, here goes, might be long! We've been at this for almost two years now. We've had some great experiences and some not so great. Our biggest issue is we are quiet! We are the ones that sit back and watch everyone because we really enjoy doing so and because at the ripe old age of over 50, neither one of us is good at starting a conversation! We keep up just fine, but are not initiators. I'm more shy than he is, he is just quiet, not shy at all. Usually in a relationship one or the other is outgoing, but no, not here!

 

Last year was my hubby's 50th birthday and we went to a resort in California. It was loud, crowded, overwhelming, did I say loud? It was a total sensory overload for us both. Needless to say we didn't really converse with anyone because we couldn't hear a damn thing! We've been to a house party with no action, a meet & greet where everyone knew each other, a couple of other weekend events, but the bigger the crowd, the worse it gets.

 

This birthday we are going to a small swingers lodge, there shouldn't be more than 20 people all weekend. I need ice breakers, something to scooch us on into the "crowd"! People say "you've got to step out of your comfort zone!" Geez! We're at a swingers event!! I just need some creative feedback to help us on our way! We have NO problems once we are engaged in conversation or in great sex, we just have problems with 3,2,1 speak! Thanks in advance for anyone who is willing to offer advice! We'll be on the road all day tomorrow and part of the next! One giant leap!

I'm a big fan of telling it how it is... I'd say exactly what you said to us here.  Introduce yourself, HI I'm Jane and this is my husband John, we're both a bit shy and unsure how to get things rolling, how do you do it?  I tell you now if someone said that to me I'd wanna help them have the best night of their lives.  If I wasn't personally looking to play with you my husband and I would be your wing couple till we found you a match.  My husband is also shy, but I am the most outgoing woman you've ever met, I am good at pairing up a room.