Opinions on our poly issue.

[Ebonylehigh 254]

We are in a relationship with another couple. The male of that couple had a single lady as a gf. That ended because he was taking love and affection from his wife and also ignoring me.

 

He keeps being upset that his wife gets to still be with the one she loves (my husband) and his was taken away. Compares the two situations like they are the same even though when he was with his gf, his wife got nothing and was home with the kids. Whereas when they see us he always gets me that gets him off at least twice every time and there has been more times than that. Where I am affectionate and caring. Where we both clearly enjoy each other's company very much.

 

Am I right to be offended that he keeps doing this comparison? It hurts my feelings every time because I'm obviously a non factor to him. He says he really cares about me and can see his feelings heading to love. I'm just not seeing that when he keeps doing this comparison.

[kikonkrome 844]

Whoa wait wut?

 

That's a tuff read, would you mind clarifying a little?

 

Basically you guys are in a relationship with another couple, but it's not working with you and the other man? Although it is with your husband and the woman?

[Lionheart72 2,190]

If I'm reading you correctly, he was asked to break it off with his gf because he was too attached to her, to the detriment of his other relationships. However, breaking off his relationship with her hasn't actually changed his feelings about her. He still has feelings toward her to the detriment of his other relationships. Just because he isn't seeing her anymore doesn't make those feelings go away. If anything, they have probably become more intense because he misses her. (I speak from some experience here.)

 

It doesn't mean that his feelings for you aren't equally real and important to him. However, he's hurting from the loss of his gf. That hurt is made worse by the fact that he lost his relationship with her while he sees his wife continuing in her relationship with your husband.

 

Is all of this fair to you? Obviously not. After all, if I'm understanding you, if you'd felt he was being fair to you and his wife, he wouldn't have had to break it off with his gf. Unfortunately, fairness and reason are very rarely our heart's guiding star.

 

I guess my conclusion is that breaking it off with his gf hasn't changed the problem of his feelings for her. It might in time or it might not.

[Ebonylehigh 254]

Lionheart72, yeah you pretty much nailed it. But I should also add in his wife and I understand he is heartbroken and have been supportive and I personally have heard him bitching about the situation for a couple of months now and I'm just done. He met the gf after meeting us, saw her a handful of times in 4 months and became a total jerk to both his wife and I. That relationship was not a positive and productive one. There were many things that happened during until she finally had to speak up and say it needs to end. Even then it wasn't enough it took us talking to the actual gf (her idea, I think she was trying to align with me to make it seem like his wife was wrong) in which we let her know how we have been neglected and she told him she won't see him anymore. It's been two months since that and I don't feel like I should have to keep hearing about this comparison of two different situations. I'm so annoyed that we have started to check the site again for new dates.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

It sounds like he has now martyred his gf since he can't have her. Short version of all of this:

 

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Lionheart72, yea you pretty much nailed it. But I should also add in his wife and I understand he is heartbroken and have been supportive and I personally have heard him bitching about the situation for a couple of months now and I'm just done. He met the gf after meeting us, saw her a handful of times in 4 months and became a total jerk to both his wife and I. That relationship was not a positive and productive one. There were many things that happened during until she finally had to speak up and say it needs to end. Even then it wasn't enough it took us talking to the actual gf (her idea, I think she was trying to align with me to make it seem like his wife was wrong) in which we let her know how we have been neglected and she told him she won't see him anymore. It's been two months since that and I don't feel like I should have to keep hearing about this comparison of two different situations. I'm so annoyed that we have started to check the site again for new dates.

 

I hear what you're saying and I'm not going to say what he's doing is ok. However, speaking from my personal experience... I broke up with my friend-with-benefits back around February. It was an amicable break-up. I knew it was time for us to end things and so did she. Still, four months later, I still think about her, I still miss her sometimes and I still talk to my wife about how I would have liked things to have played out differently.

 

What I'm trying to say it, two months isn't that long if the infatuation is there.

 

Again, none of that is intended to justify his behavior. I empathize with how I imagine he feels. It doesn't mean he's handling it properly. Clearly, he's hurting you. That needs to be addressed. If he isn't willing to address it than I think you should seriously consider removing yourself from the situation. You can control how he feels or how he acts. You can only control how you feel and how you act.