Wife is completely out of control

[mikeandchristie 17]

Hi all, I'm new here and in bad need of advice. I found this place on google and thought it was worth a try to post my question here. It is somewhat and somewhat not related to swinging but I'm hoping someone here has experience with this and can help.

 

We are in our early 40s and have been married 20 years with three kids and on the edge of divorce. About 4 years ago my wife had a mid-life crisis/small mental breakdown. In response she basically started drinking, hanging out with girls half her age, and having several affairs and one night stands which was the start to all this and we separated then. We got back together but she has never changed, only gotten worse. We started swinging upon her request to help our relationship and her to relieve all the tension she claimed was overwhelming her. She is now what I would call a full blown alcoholic and has been fired 3 times from her job. She does a very specific job in the medical field and we would more or less have to move 75+ miles for her to find another hospital but she would only get fired from there too. Our mortgage is behind and she is more or less no help with the kids.

 

She works out and swims in the mornings and basically drinks and fucks at night, getting home at all hours with different people dropping her off. If I mention anything about it she blows up and says she can't take it, that I have to let her get it out of her system before she even tries to change. And always swears she is gonna stop all this soon. I have more or less stopped swinging sometime ago, it was more or less her thing anyhow but have let her go out with these people every night knowing what she was doing to let her work through this.

 

This past weekend when she was getting ready to go out her phone kept blowing up so I knew something was up. She came to me and asked if she could have a few friends over since our kids were away because the place her friends were gonna hang out was no longer available. She asked me if I would go stay at one of our friend's houses for the night and come back the next day at lunch, that she needed her space and didn't want to introduce her friends to me just yet. Ok listen I'm sorry I know I'm typing too much, I will get to the point..thank you for still reading this it is just a lot on my mind.

 

So I leave and park my car down the road but come back later that night. Watching from a window outside our game room there are 6-7 guys having sex with her and one other girl who is probably 25 years old. She is smoking, which she has never ever done since she has always been big into fitness. Drinking like there's no tomorrow straight from the bottles. And snorting line after line of what I only assume is cocaine unless there is another drug that you snort...but I assume that's what it was. It is a completely different person in front of me acting totally insane.

 

I don't know if there is any hope for her to turn this around now after seeing her. Her and I have not had sex in 6 months now and half the guys fucking her weren't even wearing a condom which now makes me worry about STD's and Aids. Being in the medical field she would never ever do drugs but was snorting that stuff over and over and throwing her hands up in the air and shaking her head back and forth. She is a totally different person now. In all of our years together she would never ever do anal sex but was doing it now like it was nothing with them and didn't seem to have a care about them going back and forth between the holes or even to her mouth. It all just pisses me off that she would do this to me and our family.

 

I leave and come back at 5 a.m. when all the cars had gone and look in the window and there are still two guys there having sex with her while she is passed out so I leave again. When I come home the next day I just keep my distance and don't say anything because I'm not sure how to handle it now and am about to go crazy and throw her out. I want to tell her to move out and that I saw everything but I'm afraid she will end up dead if she leaves. I still love her but I have no clue how to get her help but feel certain she is not planning on quitting any of this like she says she is. She tells me today that she wants to fly to Orlando Florida this next week, that she has a job that will pay her $2500. We need the money but I have no idea what it involves but I'm sure it is very bad.

 

I don't want to lose her but I can't take this anymore. Any advice is greatly appreciated here as I am down to my last straw.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Unfortunately (and you already know this), you have already lost her. She isn't bringing anything into your relationship other than pain, heartbreak, and potentially an STD. Both me and the Ms. were married for over 20 years each (to other people) and one of the things we took away from that is you can't fix someone who doesn't think they are even broken. Maybe a wake up call is what she needs...you are still providing a place to live, food, and most everything else she needs in order for her to do the things she is doing. Without these things, she will either need to wake up or continue to spiral downward on her own. You have to think about your children since she has brought this into your home now. Drugs, alcohol, unprotected sex with strangers, and orgies...which do you want your children to do since mom is showing them it's okay to do all of them (ask your children if they have noticed what mom is doing...they have)? It's hard to say (and even harder to do)...let her know that when she decides to stop, you and the kids will be there for her, but until she decides she's on her own.

 

We are very sorry for you and your children. This IS NOT swinging, it is cheating (at best). You must do what's best for the kids, never forget that as there will be times when you doubt what you are doing. You MUST protect your kids. If she decides to change you can give her a second chance, but YOU then make the rules and if she bends even one (and she will try), she's out again. Good luck and PLEASE let us know what happens.

[Alura 2,775]

Welcome from Oklahoma, Mike.

 

Sometimes we have to accept the things we can't change. I believe you have two choices:

 

1. The next time your wife goes out with her "friends," change the locks,

 

and/or,

 

2. Send her a text telling her you have the kids with you and you're through with her nonsense, from Europe.

 

Having seen what alcoholism can do to my people, I have little tolerance for it.

 

I'm sorry about your situation. Please act.

 

Alura

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Welcome to the site, we are glad you are here but wish what would have brought you here was something pleasant instead of a train wreck.

 

Not that it matters really, but I'll second the statement that what she is doing isn't swinging, not even remotely close. It even goes beyond cheating since she is giving free abandon to every selfish impulse she has in her, and is bringing all of those back home to the rest of her family too. I'll be blunt, at this point she is just using you, how far you let that go is up to you. I don't say that to be flip about it, rather I just mean that although it seems your life is out of control, in fact you are in total control of it. When you decide to put a stop to it, then that's when it stops. I know that won't be an easy thing to do, in fact, it very well may be one of the most difficult things you have done in your entire life. As hard as that will be, until that time comes though, you aren't doing you any favors, you aren't doing your kids any favors, and you aren't doing her any favors since unless something drastically changes, she's well down the path to destruction.

 

The only thing I see that might be a positive is her age. I think middle-aged people are more likely to get "woken up" when reality finally hits them in the face hard enough...plenty still don't, but some do. Younger people still have that invincible feeling and don't have as long a life history to reflect back on when things were better to help provide incentive to work to get back to that point.

 

It goes without saying professional help is going to be needed here to really turn things around, and you are going to need help too, it's too big a job for just one person. Is there any family or close friends that care deeply about her that you can turn to?

[kikonkrome 844]

I would guess she has become an alcoholic or drug addict I am sorry to say. Substance Abuser maybe the best term?

 

This is pretty serious stuff though.

 

What I think you should do is get yourself some help. There is counseling specifically for family members of substance abusers. I am sure if you talk to them they will be able to help sort out how you are feeling and what you should do.

 

Good luck.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

It is cathartic to type out a story even if you are not sure that anybody will read it. I believe that you already know what it is that you need to do. I suspect you are hoping to build the impetus to do it.

 

Sending a wish that when your wife hits bottom, she rebounds safely and that others are not harmed.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I'm so sorry this is happening to your family. You need to get good legal advice before kicking her out or changing the locks. A lawyer will tell you how to document what is going on so you can protect your kids. I would not engage her at all, you don't want her deciding to take the kids out of state. I would let her go to Florida on her own and then work on a plan to separate and you have custody.

 

The person you love is not really there right now. You need to take care of your kids and get them in a stable place and then perhaps with the help of family and sober friends you can have an intervention and get her into treatment.

 

Once this initial crisis is over it would be good for you and your kids to find a family counselor.

 

I hope things settle down and turn around for you. You sound like a good, strong person.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

There are consequences for bad actions but so far she hasn't had to worry about any consequences. It's time for that to change, but as funcouple said, be sure to cover your bases (legally). Still sending positive thoughts and support in your direction.

[mikeandchristie 17]

Thank you all for your input here, it is much appreciated. I have been waiting to reply until I had some kind of update. I know I should leave her as many have commented here, but that is difficult on many levels but I am going to seek legal advice on it. For one, I'm not sure where the kids and I would go to and if we left she would turn our home into a party house. The other big thing is the kids, especially our two daughters, often take her side saying I'm being mean to her but they do not really understand what is going on and it would be hard to get them to go along. And last but not least, I still love her and want to see her safe and to turn this around even if we are not still together so I'm afraid for her if she leaves or we leave.

 

I sat her down last night and we had the first real and civil conversation we have had in what seems like forever, even though it was fairly brief. I basically told her that I had seen everything when she had those people over to our house this past weekend and that either she was going to change or move out. She tells me that I do not understand her at all and that when she is in that moment it's the only thing that makes her feel alive anymore. She tells me that she has complete control over every man in that room and that every person is entirely focused on her every move. I do not know where all of this control stuff is coming from because she has never had low self esteem by any means. She is smart, educated, very fit, attractive, confident, and on and on so it only confuses me even more for her to say all this. She is actually a very passive person so I have no clue to where all this control stuff is coming from other than maybe the drugs and alcohol have messed up her brain. I tried to tell her they were only using her for sex with this gangbang stuff, that they didn't care anything about her, and that they weren't just giving her expensive drugs and what not for free but she just shakes her head. I told her when I came back at 5 a.m. there still two younger guys that were taking turns having sex with her and feeling all over her even though she had passed out; how was she is control of that situation?? The only reason I didn't go inside and stop them is because I did not want a ruckus and the police coming to our house at 5 a.m. with all these drugs there and my wife nude and that whole mess. But she doesn't see any of that. She often drinks till she passes out now so how does she even know whose doing what to her or even if they aren't gonna kidnap her or murder her...you know??

 

She is just so messed up in the head now. And as I had figured she wants to go to FL this next week for nothing more than to do an adult movie a friend has talked her into doing and wants me to pay her flight there. She says she will make $2500 and will bring every cent of it back and maybe I shouldn't even care after all she has done and we need the money really badly, but I still said no, that it was a terrible idea and people from here will recognize her face and all but she is probably going to do it anyhow.

 

Well I have to go for now but I will post more later and again I truly thank everyone for their advice and listening. It's nice just to be able to vent some of this stuff and let off some steam.

[kikonkrome 844]

Mike go get yourself some therapy so you can work this out for yourself. A relationship good or bad takes two people and your are the other person in this one. When do you start taking care of yourself? Number one rule of saving a drowning victim is save yourself first. You cannot help her if you are drowning with her, you cannot help the kids. Take care of yourself first.

[Lionheart72 2,191]

You cannot help someone who does not acknowledge that they need help.

 

You cannot save someone who does not wish to be saved.

 

You. Can. Not. Help. Her.

 

I'm sorry but that's the cold, hard truth. Until she acknowledges her problems and seeks help, there is nothing you can do for her.

 

Given that, you must protect your children. You Must protect your children.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

We TOTALLY understand That you love her and how hard it is to leave (easy to say, VERY HARD to do). You and the kids shouldn't leave your home, she should be the one leaving. Let her know that if she goes to Florida, that she isn't going to be allowed to come back into the home. When you tell her this, also let her know that you are willing on working on this with her...counseling and whatever else may help. This way it is HER choice knowing what the penalties are. If she does go, then change the locks and start looking at filing paperwork. I know, all easier said than done, but the woman you love isn't 'there' anymore. No matter what happens, both you AND the kids should start looking into getting some counseling so you can be better prepared with how to deal with what is going on.

 

This is nothing that we are taking lightly. We are SO very sorry for what she is making your family endure and wish you the best...

[mikeandchristie 17]

Thank you all. It might be a week or two before I have any updates to post here but whenever I do I will come back and post. Thank you all for your advice.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Once again, we wish you and your children the best and look forward to hearing any updates...

[AR1547 131]

Thank you all. It might be a week or two before I have any updates to post here but whenever I do I will come back and post. Thank you all for your advice.

 

 

How do you know that? According to YOU, your wife is "out of control". How do you know it will be a week or two before anything significant happens?

 

According to you, you got into swinging at your wife's request, after problems.

 

I weep for the REAL swingers who you inflicted your fucking drama on.

 

If you spent ANY amount of time around real swingers, you should know that a place like this is the last place to ask your questions.

 

What's happening to you has NOTHING AT ALL to do with SWINGING! It has to do with a bitch who is willing to throw away everything because she's crazy, or a totally fucking sadistic cunt who has no respect for you. IF, and that's a big fucking IF, this story is even real!

 

Was it 6 guys? Or 7 guys? Since you were looking so closely that you knew they weren't wearing condoms, and were going from ass to pussy to mouth, that you would know for sure if it was 6 or 7 guys.

 

I know I'm putting a lot of MY personality into this next comment, but I can't help it. You stayed away, while drugs were being used in YOUR home, in YOUR CHILDREN'S home? You even stayed away when 2 men were RAPING your unconscious wife. You fucking PUSSY!

 

I'm not totally serious about any of this post, because I'm calling BULLSHIT on your entire story.

 

Really, what are you fishing for? Cuckold stories for your post-graduate sociology paper about the cultural phenomenon of swinging? Or are you just a troll?

 

Good luck with that, either way.