Not taking one for the team

[coastalcpl 84]

Good morning all, we are trying to figure out how to move forward with choosing couples. I (female half) am extremely picky and so our major issue is finding couples we both agree on. Is this a common problem and if so how do you move past it?

[Tahoecple 319]

First, maybe we could get a little more information from you. Are you talking about after you meet a couple or are you talking about picking a couple from their pictures in a profile on a web site?

[AngelandTiger 364]

Hi,

 

Finding 4 people who all "click" in terms of physical attraction and personality is quite difficult. Imagine the difficulty of finding just ONE person who you really get along with, are attracted to and enjoy in the world of vanilla dating, then square that. If you are a straight couple, each playmate has to be attracted to the other; if you're a bi couple, the attraction goes either 3 or 4 ways, and and it's exponentially harder (no pun intended).

 

There are several ways that people get past this, and sometimes don't get past it. Some couples realize that the attraction between the 4 members of the couple will never be equal, and, while not ever "taking one for the team", they accept that there are times when, for instance, the male may not be as attracted to the female of the other couple as the female is to the other male. They realize that this isn't a contest, that a "tit for tat" (again, no pun intended) attitude is generally detrimental in swinging, as long as both members of the couple are enjoying themselves and things average out.

 

Other couples simply keep looking until they find others that they both like. If one member of a couple is extra "picky", this does limit their options to some extent. It would help us give advice if you could share with us what your "pickyness" entails: appearance, habits, profile characteristics, etc. However, if both members of the couple are good with searching until things align properly, that can certainly work.

 

Finally, many couples, and I'm sure you'll hear from them here, have found that the difficulty in finding other couples with that 4-way vibe is such that they've started devoting their time to finding single guys/women for MFM, MMF, FFM, FmF...and all of the other permutations possible in threesome adventure. We ourselves don't limit our search to any one lifestyle niche; as a bi/bi couple, we're open to all, and we play straight or bi as the other couple wishes; no always means no.

 

Tell us more about the characteristics of your "picky"-ness, and we will be able to help in a more specific fashion!

 

T

[coastalcpl 84]

We go to lifestyle clubs, meet & greets, and local events to meet people. We also look online so I would say I rule out in both situations. We have been in the ls for several years before we met and have had a few but not a lot of mixed experiences between the two of us. We have yet to explore playing with a couple together, but have had fun with mmf, group soft play, and girl/girl fun. Family and job make it difficult to get out more than what we do. I think with the mmf selections may have spoiled me to prefer younger guys. Generally in our area the couples are older and the men are typically around 50ish. I find it difficult to find many that I am attracted to.

[enhancer 1,581]

Is it a common problem? Yes I think it is. Finding a situation where each partner finds the other couples partner attractive is not an easy task. It is common to have one person being attracted to their potential play partner and the other not at all though. We do find it more common for the women in the lifestyle being more picky based on looks then the men, but that is not always the case.

 

We have found over time that you can't judge attraction just based on pics if you are going the online route! Sometimes the pics you see do not do the people justice and sometimes it is the other way around. Not to mention that sometimes a person has such a great personility that suddenly they become much more attractive. This is one of the reasons we take a no commitment route on first meets with people. It never hurts to just get out there and take a chance meeting new people when there is no pressure for more. We can honestly say this is how we have found very good regular play friends.

 

We know some people that play separately, because of how hard it is to find the four way connection and if it works for them then why not. This is not something we have any interest in ourselves though so it is not an option.

 

Not sure if your pickiness is based on looks alone, but if it is you are going to have a harder time finding that perfect ten couple in the lifestyle where both partners look like Brad and Angelica. Our experience from going to parties, meeting in person and online searching is that most people in the lifestyle are very average looking like ourselves whether they think they are or not. The ones where both are above average looking are only looking for other couples where both partners are also above average. You also need to remember that although you two might think each other is super attractive others are not going to be looking at you with the same eyes. I am not saying you should settle for anything. Just saying that you should be realistic in you search. A lot of people have a hard time doing that, because of the fantasy nature of the game.

[GoldCoCouple 4,063]

 

We used pictures to eliminate couples from contention but only if there was no chance we would be interested (multi-colored hair, gaudy tattoos, facial piercings, goth lifestyle, etc). If we thought 'eh, they're okay' then we would arrange a first meeting with them. We have found that the 'connection' comes from their personalities, not their looks. The worst thing that can come from a first meeting of another couple is either a bad steak or a funny 'train wreck' story...the best thing that can happen is...really fun!

 

We have also found that some of the hottest pictures have led to some of the most self centered and/or boring couples. Don't go just based on photos alone unless you are looking for one night only. Swingers are like a box of chocolates...you usually can't tell whats inside just from looking at one.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,023]

You cannot do better than to participate in club parties and meet-n-greet events. Choosy couples simply need to persist a little longer that not-choosy people. But after you find a good couple, the reward will justify the effort.

[corynlaine 118]

hmm I have to say that (at least consider the possibility) you are using the picky as an excuse to avoid actually doing things.

Are you sure you really want to be doing this?

 

YEs OF COURSE there has to be attraction, but lets face it, the fantasy you concoct in your head about how swinging will go and the marvelous couple who will telepathically know exactly what you want and hot to touch you and pleasure you WILL NOT HAPPEN.

 

So you have to except the reality of real life, real couples and situations. Within that you have to learn that what you accept or expect must be more flexible.

[afterwork 89]

Since starting in 1972, we would be dishonest in saying that either one of us has never taken one for the team to make certain she or he had a good time at a particular point in time. However, we can be honest and say we did make it up to each other and steered way from repeating under the same circumstances.

[padoc 1,701]

Early in our exploration of this hobby, we both, at one time or another, took one for the team. We found afterwards that we felt really bad for our spouse and so we rehashed the entire run up to the play time to try to learn what we had missed or perhaps done wrong. In doing so, we were able to then pick up some small red flags we hadn't noticed in profiles, emails and conversation. It helped us to seriously refine our selection process to the point that the situation has not presented itself in a number of years. Plus we decided that neither of us would ever again take one for the team. Now, we recognize that meeting a couple is not an obligation to boink them and if we don't have a connection, we politely walk away. This is a fun hobby after all and the most important relationship here is ours.

[bear_n_bunny 43]

I've had two different stages where I was involved in swinging. The first time was with a girlfriend I had at the time, the second with my wife. During the first pass, so to speak, "taking one for the team" was never an issue, as we went directly into the swingers' party group scene. In that scenario there is generally no "swapping" per se. She picked who she wanted to play with and so did I, and all was well.

 

On the second pass, it was different. My wife initially wanted to go a different route, in that we would meet up with individual couples and see how things went. And the fact is we went through a LOT of couples where yes, the guy was hot for my wife, but his wife had no interest in me. This was not entirely unexpected, as Dash Riprock, studmuffin I'm not. But even then I would not have wanted anyone to "take one for the team" with me, as I would have found such to be demeaning.

 

But we kept plugging and eventually we found not just one but a group of couples where everyone "clicked" with everyone else, and ended up with our own little swingers party group, and had a blast as a result. Just took a bit of patience...

 

Cave Bear

[Guest]

Sometimes Barbie is with Ken, but other times, she chose Dennis the Menace or whomever. As couples, we are not always obviously well matched, why do we expect that other couples will be. There have been times when I have “taken one for the team” but OMG, was the guy great in bed. Other times when I got Ken, and he was done before my hubby and his Barbie were just moving from appetizers to the main course. You can tell a book by its cover, and the reason you’re out there is doing it is some sense of adventure you get from it all.

[bear_n_bunny 43]

Sometimes Barbie is with Ken, but other times, she chose Dennis the Menace or whomever. As couples, we are not always obviously well matched, why do we expect that other couples will be. There have been times when I have “taken one for the team” but OMG, was the guy great in bed. Other times when I got Ken, and he was done before my hubby and his Barbie were just moving from appetizers to the main course. You can tell a book by its cover, and the reason you’re out there is doing it is some sense of adventure you get from it all.

 

I had to laugh out loud at the Barbie and Ken reference here, as it reminded me of a party Bunny and I attended some years ago. There was this guy named Ali, who was, according to at least some of the ladies, good looking and quite good in the sack. Naturally Bunny wanted to try him out. And at this particular party she did. I happened to walk past one of the play rooms, and there is Ali, on top of Bunny, her legs in the air, and all seemed to be going well.

 

Not two minutes later I turn around and there's Bunny, standing behind me. "What are you doing here? I thought you were playing with Ali" I asked.

 

"I was" she replied. "He's already done. It was bang, bang, bang, BOOM, and he's done and off of me". Oh Bunny was not a happy camper that night, as she had become accustomed to most of the guys she played with being, shall we say, a bit more solicitous of her pleasure as well as their own.

 

Just goes to show that some people, even the "Kens", can turn out to be flops.

 

Cave Bear

[M1F2KTJ 473]

It's hard to find a couple that you BOTH agree on. You like the male, he doesn't like the female etc. ...

 

One of you might be tempted to "take one for the team" to make the other happy the longer that situation goes on.

[findinganswers 369]

Not being a couple who goes to clubs, I think the way to go is if you finally do meat a couple you can both agree on, you can use them as an introducer to other couples. If you are open with them you can tell them what you feel and the types you are looking for. Of course this only works if they have been doing this before you met them. Then again you might be more picky than the other couple.

It is funny about taking one for the team. I think I am more apt to take one than the Mrs.

[bear_n_bunny 43]

Not being a couple who goes to clubs, I think the way to go is if you finally do meat a couple you can both agree on, you can use them as an introducer to other couples. If you are open with them you can tell them what you feel and the types you are looking for. Of course this only works if they have been doing this before you met them. Then again you might be more picky than the other couple.

It is funny about taking one for the team. I think I am more apt to take one than the Mrs.

 

This is pretty much how it went for Bunny and I. We started out seeking individual couples to play with, rather than joining a party group (that came later). And as I indicated before, it was rather difficult at first. We met quite a few couples the first few months and kept striking out. Either the female half of the couple would not find me acceptable, or Bunny would not find the male half of the couple acceptable. And we did have an ironclad rule that neither of us would "take one for the team". And it never happened.

 

It took a while, but we eventually did meet a couple where everyone "clicked" with everyone else, than another and another. And a good time was eventually had by all...

 

Cave Bear