How and where to take the first step?

[Night_creature 18]

Hello!

I figured I might as well jump in with a question which I am sure many have asked before, and many will ask again. Bf and me are very new to this, and very curious.

 

We have been discussing a lot of possibilities, options, things we like to try some time, and things we'd rather not try (yet).

But then you start talking about the next step.

 

How and where, and what?

 

We think we'd like to try to go to a club, but there isn't much in the middle of Holland.

 

What do you look for in a club, or did you have your first experience somewhere else?

 

And what did you wear?

 

And what happened that first time?

 

If we get around to going to a club, we plan on just having a look, get a feel for the atmosphere (and maybe some people ) and we'll see what happens.

 

Any tips after this too long post?

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Hello!

I figured I might as well jump in with a question which I am sure many have asked before, and many will ask again.

 

Always room for more questions here There are some common themes that run through swinging, but every person is different so every question is just a bit different. Ask away!

 

How and where, and what?

 

There are two main routes for meeting others, the online route and the club/party route. A lot of people tend to eventually come to prefer one or the other, while some sort of do both (which is where we are at). There are advantages and disadvantages to each. Online is more work and requires more patience, but if you prefer the more one on one meeting people, then that's the way to go. Clubs are good for meeting lots of people all at once, but not having as much time to really get to know them either before it may be decision time.

 

We think we'd like to try to go to a club, but there isn't much in the middle of Holland.

 

What do you look for in a club, or did you have your first experience somewhere else?

 

You aren't alone, for most of us, attending a good club here in the U.S. usually involves some travel. Maybe someday every town will have a swingers club, but not there yet You want to pick a club that is well run and on top of things. Looking at their club rules and guidelines can give you a good feel for how they run things. You want enough rules for it to be a safe and secure environment since worrying about that is something that will take the fun out of the evening. Yes, we did have our first experience at a club, although it was someone we had met online, so sort of a hybrid.

 

If we get around to going to a club, we plan on just having a look, get a feel for the atmosphere (and maybe some people ) and we'll see what happens.

 

Any tips after this too long post?

 

That is a great plan, exactly what I would have recommended. Go with no expectations other than having a fun night out together, and you can't go wrong.

 

Nah, not a long post by Swingers Board standards, we like to talk here

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

You've gotten a great answer from cplnuswing, to which I wanted to add a couple of things.

 

Another setting for meeting new people is a meet-and-greet. Like a club, this is a setting where many lifestyle people all get together. But unlike the club setting, a meet-and-greet is usually held at a public place where the meeting and greeting is just going to be social- nobody getting naked, and nobody having sex. It is a great, no-pressure way to meet many people, talk about the lifestyle, and get yourselves a little more comfortable, without the pressure of adding sex into the mix at that point. Now I grant you that there may often be some "after-parties" after a meet-and-greet, but those are a separate thing!

 

If you want to know about groups that hold meet-and-greets in your area, you may want to join one of the swinger Web sites for people who are looking to meet others in the lifestyle (in the States, we would recommend SLS, SDC, SZC, Ksidie, Quiver, or APG- I'm not sure which sites are popular in Holland). On a site like that, you can put up an interesting profile that says something about you two and what you're looking for (be sure to include a couple of pictures! Profiles with pictures get a lot more attention.). Once you're on the site(s), you should be able to poke around there and find out about groups in your area that hold periodic meet-and-greets.

 

Hope this helps!

[Night_creature 18]

We have looked at a few of those meet and greets, and they are usually on the other side of the country, or on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday.. And those are exactly the days that we're not together so we can't go.

But we'll just keep looking, I'm sure eventually something will come up on a day that's good for us.

And we don't want to go too fast, so maybe it's better that it's taking a while to find something that suits us.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

One more thing: You will find out that most swingers are very respectful and polite. If you do go to a club or meet-and-greet, NOTHING is ever expected of you. You can just go and watch, or you can dive in head first (and anything else in between). Nobody will 'do' anything without asking permission first so you don't need to worry about anything happening that you don't want or are ready to have happen.

[Night_creature 18]

One more thing: You will find out that most swingers are very respectful and polite. If you do go to a club or meet-and-greet, NOTHING is ever expected of you. You can just go and watch, or you can dive in head first (and anything else in between). Nobody will 'do' anything without asking permission first so you don't need to worry about anything happening that you don't want or are ready to have happen.

 

I think that for me this is one of the hardest things to accept.

In the past I have had quite a few of bad experiences with men who didn't respect my boundaries, and saying no.

It has gotten easier over time, but it is still one of my biggest insecurities.

I mean, I might be fine one minute, getting into things, but when things start to heat up, suddenly my mood might change and I want to get out.

How to deal with something like this?

(should I open another thread for this question to get more answers on how to deal with a situation like this? )

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

I said 'most'. The best way to avoid bad experiences is to stay FAR away from places that allow single men to enter. Most men are much better behaved when they are in attendance with a woman on their arm.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I said 'most'. The best way to avoid bad experiences is to stay FAR away from places that allow single men to enter. Most men are much better behaved when they are in attendance with a woman on their arm.

 

I would make this more specific. There are clubs which allow single men only in social areas or a limited number of single men who are vetted. We have been to several of these clubs and there was no problem at all. A club that truly allows no single males is not very common in our experience.

 

We have had problems with single guys at clubs where there are no limitations on singles. I also think it's a bad idea when clubs charge singles very high entry fees.

 

At our meet and greet we allow singles and in 4 years we've never had an issue. In fact it seems only the most cautious guys even show up and they are generally very polite, to such a degree that they seem terrified. This is quite different from a club environment since there is no nudity or playing. Our event is also free so guys don't feel, "I've paid $100, I 'deserve' action."

 

I wouldn't write off a place that allows singles. Just ask questions about what the percentage of singles to couples and what the fees and rules are for singles.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

The two previous two posts, although a little bit different on the club rules spectrum, are excellent advice and illustrate in more detail what I briefly tried to get at in my earlier post. Find a club or event where the rules mesh well with what you are interested in and what you feel your personal style is. If you enjoy the thrill of throwing caution to the wind, then you might find one club boring that another person who prefers a more controlled environment would find perfect. Swingers clubs are like swingers, they are all a little different, and it won't be a good match every time. With some patience though, you'll find what you are looking for and it will be great.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

If you go to a club, and talk to some people, be sure to let them know that you two are new to swinging. I have a feeling that many people would come to your aid if some guy were to overstep your boundaries, especially if you advertise the fact, loud and clear. Of the people I know in the lifestyle, they are all strict adherents to a fundamental rule of swinging- "no" means no! And I think that people would be happy to give you a hand reminding a pushy guy of that rule if it was needed.

[Night_creature 18]

Thanks for all the kind words and constuctive answers