Swinging led to cheating. Try again?

[Brokenrules 15]

Hi I'm pretty new to this lifestyle I've tried it before with my husband but I wanted some advice from more experienced couples if what he did was break the rules or am I overreacting. So in 2013 we went to a swingers party and I liked it and so did he, we didn't interact but just observed.

 

His fantasy was for the longest time to see me with another male so I said I will agree only if we do everything together. We found a nice man and two separate times I had fun with him while my husband watched; my husband didn't want to join, just to watch, which was fine with the other guy.

 

After that, 2 weeks went by and where my husband works they hired a girl, he said he would like to have fun with her. At first I said I don't think it would be a good idea to play where you work but that's up to him. I told him let me know when you want to meet up and we will, and I said I will not join just watch and he said no problem.

 

Three weeks went by and I asked him if he was still interested to have fun with that girl from work? He was kind of evading my questions saying he is tired, coming home from work and just ignoring me. Later that week I found out that he went out with her a couple of times supposedly for drinks then I found out that he wanted to take her to a very expensive bar in NYC that I didn't even go to yet. So I confronted him about it and he denied it all but I had proof... I told him he is breaking the rules with the lifestyle that we both choose and that doesn't make me happy but he played it off as me being jealous.

 

Another week went by until another girl called me and said that my husband and the new hired girl are way too cozy together and that she wanted me to know but by then he had changed the password on an email that we had together. So I got into that email and saw all the emails they wrote to each other and a lot were about me being jealous and that he didn't know how to get away from me to be with her. Again, I confronted him about the girl and the emails and he got angry that I was spying on him while that email was ours together especially for talking to other people and not go behind each others backs. So I said I don't trust him no more and I quit being in this lifestyle.

 

So since then until a couple of days ago we haven't had sex with each other and I didn't stray or have sex with anyone else either. But now as we started having sex again he started talking about swingers and threesome again, so I'm a little nervous to start because I feel if I start again he will break the rules again.

 

Need advice to what to do. We have been married for 19 years now and I don't want to break my marriage.

[Psyrex 56]

Hello and welcome!

 

If you two decide to involve others in your sex life, then it must be established that your marriage, feelings, needs, and wants come first.

 

While our first swinging experience took place without me being present (only because the opportunity presented itself) we decided that we will never play separately again simply because we want to both enjoy it together.

 

What your husband was doing sounds a lot like cheating, especially if he was evasive and angry when confronted. Did he feel he is owed a free pass because you had sex with someone else? Even though he was there but didn't join, maybe he felt jealousy or possibly regret and was "getting even"?

 

Whatever it is, communicate with each other honestly and openly and see how you both will move forward together. And whatever you decide to do, I wish you both the very best of luck and happiness.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Welcome to the Swingers Board! Sorry it was something like this that brought you here, but we are glad to have you as a member nonetheless.

 

Short answer - he's cheating, and he's using swinging as cover for it, which is total BS. So you two quit having sex, then started to work things out to the point where at least you were sexually interested in one another again, and then within a few days he is already bringing up the swinging subject again instead of staying focused on just the two of you? That's a sure sign there is a serious problem in the relationship, and swinging isn't going to be any part of a solution. In fact, if you go down that road again with him, my guess is it will not end well. Swinging is like a turbo charger, it won't change the direction you are going, it will just make you go faster. If you are already headed downhill, swinging is just going to get you to the bottom faster. Now is the time to slam on the brakes, turn off the car, and start fixing what needs fixing before even thinking about starting it up again.

[Brokenrules 15]

Thank you, that's what I thought that's why I needed advice on what to do...

[Brokenrules 15]

Thank you for your reply, I even asked him if that was the case but his response was no she's not that kind of a girl to have someone watch her. I guess it was all a joke to him so he can go have fun and I won't be able to say anything as I had sex with another male. I told him that to start this life style it has rules any lifestyle if you involve other people but I guess I lost my trust in him to keep those rules. Anyway thank you again for your reply

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

Me thinks you know already the answer to your question.

 

Happy to have you here at Swingersboard.

 

[Brokenrules 15]

Me thinks you know already the answer to your question.

 

Happy to have you here at Swingersboard.

 

 

 

 

I guess I do

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

 

...and sorry that you are here with the problem that you are having. Swinging is all about open honest communication, trust, and love. If there is any less than this, it isn't swinging. Secrets and lies are always a sign of cheating. I would recommend that you NOT consider swinging again until your relationship is repaired and you trust him 100%...which is also saying that you may not ever want to return to swinging. He doesn't seem to understand what it is really all about...especially since you seem to have been willing to allow him to do what he wanted just as long as you were included. He screwed up big time.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

I guess I do

But it is therapeutic to tell the story, even if to an anonymous audience. Wishing you the best.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

I agree with the others who classified what your husband did as cheating. It certainly is not healthy swinging, which is characterized by honesty, open communication, and mutual trust.

 

I also wonder if he wasn't getting a bit jealous seeing you with a guy, and maybe feeling a need to even the score.

 

I also agree that you two must, for the sake of your relationship, stop swinging until you get things sorted out between you, take some time to build back some mutual trust, and learn how swinging works for happy, healthy marriages.

 

You know, I just started writing a sentence that started with, "if you two ever do decide to get back into swinging...", but then I re-read what you said about his emails with this woman. I really think the crisis in your marriage is the only thing to focus on at the moment. He needs to stop seeing this woman, come clean with you, and dedicate himself to repairing your marriage. If ever you reach a point where you are solid together, trust has been restored, and you communicate well again, then you can both come back and we can talk then!

[EastInWest 1,524]

I even asked him if that was the case but his response was no she's not that kind of a girl to have someone watch her...

 

What kind of girl would that be?

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, it's terrible to realize you can't trust a loved one. Good luck.

[AngelandTiger 364]

welcome to the swingers board! Sorry it was something like this that brought you here, but we are glad to have you as a member nonetheless.

 

Short answer - he's cheating, and he's using swinging as cover for it, which is total bs. so you two quit having sex, then started to work things out to the point where at least you were sexually interested in one another again, and then within a few days he is already bringing up the swinging subject again instead of staying focused on just the two of you? That's a sure sign there is a serious problem in the relationship, and swinging isn't going to be any part of a solution. In fact, if you go down that road again with him, my guess is it will not end well. Swinging is like a turbo charger, it won't change the direction you are going, it will just make you go faster. If you are already headed downhill, swinging is just going to get you to the bottom faster. Now is the time to slam on the brakes, turn off the car, and start fixing what needs fixing before even thinking about starting it up again.

 

^this^