Really stuck moving forward.

[Cplenextdoor 22]

Hi All

 

This is the male half writing this post and looking for feedback.

 

We are a happily married couple for over 20 years with a great sex life. We are mid 40's. She has a great body, an amazing ass and is a 34dd.

 

We have talked a lot about swinging with another straight male or couple. Problem is it hasn't went further. I would love to go the next step but she still is a bit resistant.

 

Here are the signs

- she likes to watch mfm porn and often requests it.

- she will dress sexy when we go out with my male friends to get them turned on

- they will talk sexy to her about her hot ass, sex and one guy even has grabbed her ass a few times and is progressing for more. She has told me she likes it and it makes her horny.

- she has allowed me accidentally on purpose to show pictures of her in a thong and other poses to a mutual friend.

- we talk about it during sex sometimes and she will even role play I am another guy pleasuring her. We both get turned on by that.

- we practice for mfm when she is really hot by using a dildo while she sucks.

- she has even said she would go to drinks with another swinger couple or hedo but isn't sure about going all the way

 

Is she just waiting for me to set it up or is she just happy with fantasy play?

[Baconheads 438]

For sure, go to Hedo for a week, that will get things moving! Seriously you might want to go a little bit slower at first...

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Often times people are content to just let their fantasies stay a fantasy, so I wouldn't take all of those other things as a sure sign she is ready or wanting to swing. On the other hand, they could demonstrate that she is becoming less sexually restrained, meaning 20 years ago she wouldn't even have allowed herself to have and express those types of fantasies.

 

I think the last item on your list is the best approach. Meet some other swingers, whether it be at a club or meet and greet, and just go with no expectations other than having a fun night out together. From that you can both start to get a feel for the lifestyle and whether it's something you want to continue to move forward with (slow is better than fast), or whether you are perfectly content for things to stay right where they are at.

[JandKinBoise 859]

Welcome the the Swingers Board! Glad to have you here.

 

Your wife is fully ready dude. You didn't mention her background. Sometimes, there are things we really want to do, but can't pull the trigger. My wife fully enjoys mmf but would never outright request it. She is very subtle about her desires when she is in the mood, because she wants me to set everything up. I think she sees it as less of a sin if she has nothing to do with anything other than showing up.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Here's a sure fire way to find out: ask her. If you can't talk about this, then neither of you are ready. TALK to her! Talk about your fantasies, then move onto the idea of making some of them come true. Bottom line is if you can't communicate, heading down this road is not a good idea.

[Cplenextdoor 22]

Thanks for the advice. It is all very helpful.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

...oh, and then let us know how things went. Good luck!

[Sjmar 141]

Here's a sure fire way to find out: ask her. If you can't talk about this, then neither of you are ready. TALK to her! Talk about your fantasies, then move onto the idea of making some of them come true. Bottom line is if you can't communicate, heading down this road is not a good idea.

Exactly this. Totally open and honest communication is soooo important (for any relationship)

[Cplenextdoor 22]

Will keep you informed for sure. Had a great talk this weekend. She wants to try a meet with a couple from Adult Friend Finder and would like to get together with one of my single friends for drinks soon. I really want the first time to go well.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

At least in our neck of the woods, AFF is a dead end. Lots of fakes and single guys just looking to hook up. Also, do a search for swinging with friends (there should be more than a few threads). We don't recommend that either (while others swear by it, different strokes). The problem (as we see it) is that if things go bad in any way, it can easily 'out' you to all of your friends and community. It's best to just try and find someone who from the start is looking for the same thing you are. Click on "find Swingers' at the top of the screen and set up a free account.

[Cplenextdoor 22]

Update: So we have been talking a lot about our fantasies and it had been great. In fact we went away over Christmas to a resort in the Carribean and had some really good times. We had one of the craziest sex nights of our marriage when the "dirty talk" turned to a threesome with a friend. She got right into it and explained in detail while we were having sex how she wanted to please us both. The problem is she doesn't want to plan anything ahead. She said if it happens in the heat of the moment then it would happen. My thought is that i just need to set the right circumstances and let things happen? I think she is still a bit too shy to say out loud that she really wants this.

[Scaredstiff 129]

I can relate to it as my wife is also very naughty minded but sometimes finds it hard to admit to what she's thinking, sometimes we would play with a dildo and talk about how it was another guy , great, but once the sex was over she would be quite coy and not really want to talk about it.

However over time I have persisted and she started being willing to talk about what she was thinking about during our pretend spit roasting sessions with a vibrator , but if I asked if she would do it for real she would say no , now I know in the swinging world no means no but trust me she meant yes , so again I gave her time just asked about it every now and then and sure enough she now tells me whatever she is thinking or willing to do , even when we're just out shopping for groceries or whatever.

I think you need to give her time and a gentle nudge every now and then , my wife didn't want to appear slutty, she was worried I'd go off her if she told me her naughty thoughts , it's much more socially acceptable for a guy to want these things than a girl and she needs time and reassurance from you that it's OK to be dirty.

[kikonkrome 844]

My wife is very similar so I thought I would offer our experience

 

We did and still do a lot of fantasy/kinky stuff at home just the two of us. It's a great connection and it also brought more used to the idea of the positive aspects of a libertine lifestyle

 

I think the last item on your list is the best approach. Meet some other swingers, whether it be at a club or meet and greet, and just go with no expectations other than having a fun night out together. From that you can both start to get a feel for the lifestyle and whether it's something you want to continue to move forward with (slow is better than fast), or whether you are perfectly content for things to stay right where they are at.

 

This was our best answer. She could meet people. Discover at her own and my own pace what we liked and disliked. It's all very real and forthcoming.

 

Here's a sure fire way to find out: ask her. If you can't talk about this, then neither of you are ready. TALK to her! Talk about your fantasies, then move onto the idea of making some of them come true. Bottom line is if you can't communicate, heading down this road is not a good idea.

 

I can't really say to this day I get a great response to the direct approach. My wife is pretty content to let me 'lead the way' so to speak. Even now we are discussing some kinky idea's and I am not exactly getting a direct response that I hoped for. I am getting more feedback than I did in the past, however. I would say being able to have these direct conversations develops over time. Even with the partners we are with, direct feedback of what they like and don't want can be difficult.

 

Will keep you informed for sure. Had a great talk this weekend. She wants to try a meet with a couple from Adult Friend Finder and would like to get together with one of my single friends for drinks soon. I really want the first time to go well.

 

At least in our neck of the woods, AFF is a dead end. Lots of fakes and single guys just looking to hook up. Also, do a search for swinging with friends (there should be more than a few threads). We don't recommend that either (while others swear by it, different strokes). The problem (as we see it) is that if things go bad in any way, it can easily 'out' you to all of your friends and community. It's best to just try and find someone who from the start is looking for the same thing you are. Click on "find Swingers' at the top of the screen and set up a free account.

 

We have had some good luck on AFF. I do agree though and incredibly large amount of BS on there. Also people that are not really sure what they want. One partner is all go the other is pulling back. It takes a thick skin.

 

Update: So we have been talking a lot about our fantasies and it had been great. In fact we went away over Christmas to a resort in the Carribean and had some really good times. We had one of the craziest sex nights of our marriage when the "dirty talk" turned to a threesome with a friend. She got right into it and explained in detail while we were having sex how she wanted to please us both. The problem is she doesn't want to plan anything ahead. She said if it happens in the heat of the moment then it would happen. My thought is that i just need to set the right circumstances and let things happen? I think she is still a bit too shy to say out loud that she really wants this.

 

We are conditioned by western society from birth that sex is for procreation and somehow has bad and dangerous connotations. That can be a really hard thing to get over. I know I had to do it. I know my wife had to do it. It's next to impossible to have it just fall into your lap. I don't really know about this. I think it is a result of the 'dating' paradigm. Men are expected to be outgoing, to make something happen, to ask the girl out, to ask for her to marry him, etc. I think you get the idea. Woman are expected to be beautiful and coy and wait for a line of suitors to appear at their door. Magically it does. For swinging and kink, that female paradigm doesn't really work so well. There needs to be a level of planning.

 

It's kinda like 'date night' when you are married. You need to plan a night, without the kids that it's just the two of you. This is kinda of a form of that, except the three or four of you.

 

If people disagree with me here, I am all ears. I just have noticed this over the years.

 

Also this allows your wife a certain passive level of control over the situation. Maybe she doesn't like the couple. Maybe she ate too much. She wants and deserves some control in the situation. You have to accept if she is not excited about a given event, for lack of better word. She needs a safe word in order to get out.

 

I can relate to it as my wife is also very naughty minded but sometimes finds it hard to admit to what she's thinking, sometimes we would play with a dildo and talk about how it was another guy , great, but once the sex was over she would be quite coy and not really want to talk about it.

However over time I have persisted and she started being willing to talk about what she was thinking about during our pretend spit roasting sessions with a vibrator , but if I asked if she would do it for real she would say no , now I know in the swinging world no means no but trust me she meant yes , so again I gave her time just asked about it every now and then and sure enough she now tells me whatever she is thinking or willing to do , even when we're just out shopping for groceries or whatever.

I think you need to give her time and a gentle nudge every now and then , my wife didn't want to appear slutty, she was worried I'd go off her if she told me her naughty thoughts , it's much more socially acceptable for a guy to want these things than a girl and she needs time and reassurance from you that it's OK to be dirty.

 

Yeah my wife did the exact same thing until we finally Eiffel Towered during a foursome and now she loves it!!

 

I would recommend staying connected with her. Go out to lifestyle clubs, events, etc. and meet the people and enjoy sexy date nights.

 

Another area that hasn't been mentioned is reading and investigating people that do this. There is a lot of information regarding alternative lifestyles. I think one of the things that made my wife interested was a book about movie stars sex lives. I mean if they are having such a wild fun time, why didn't she deserve it? Anyhow that was really helpful in getting to rethink the social dogma associated with Swinging.

 

Good Luck and Have Fun!

[Scaredstiff 129]

Watching that tv show "swing" on playboy tv has really helped us in understanding how certain situations work, it always gets us talking , we only discovered it a few weeks ago and are still working through season 1. Could be worth a try by watching it together.

[edman 24]

Could you please tell us which Carribean Resort you went to and how you liked the resort?

[Cplenextdoor 22]

Wow some really great replies. It's good to know that we are not alone. She is an amazing woman and I think patience will pay off in the end. We really have come a long way when I look back. Patience will pay off.

[Cplenextdoor 22]

Thanks so much for taking the time on that great reply. It was very helpful.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Watching that tv show "swing" on playboy tv has really helped us in understanding how certain situations work, it always gets us talking.

I credit this show with getting us into the lifestyle! It provides a generally excellent model of good swinger behavior, in terms of communication, solid relationships, and the etiquette of lifestyle encounters. It also gave us a way of initially talking about swinging, before we had the nerve to talk about us swinging.

[Cplenextdoor 22]

I credit this show with getting us into the lifestyle! It provides a generally excellent model of good swinger behavior, in terms of communication, solid relationships, and the etiquette of lifestyle encounters. It also gave us a way of initially talking about swinging, before we had the nerve to talk about us swinging.

 

It really is a great show.

[Cplenextdoor 22]

Wow. Great advice!!! She is hooked on the show now and loves it. We have watched a bunch of episodes.

[Scaredstiff 129]

Haha yeah man! We watched an episode last night and hadn't watched one in a while, it always ends up being a good night after that show.

Somebody here on the forums told me about another playboy show called triple play, couples seek a third for a threesome , it's also quite hot and eye opening, have a look for that one too.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

They also have a show called Foursome...but in the few episodes I have watched, it's been unimpressive.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Foursome is not a good model of how to meet new people! I think it's more of the "train wreck" kind of reality show.

 

Triple Play is generally a pretty good show. They mostly portray positive experiences, though they've shown at least one less-wonderful case that rings true- a woman who was not completely honest about her age, and posted a picture online that was probably 25 or 30 years old. Triple Play does not have anything like the Swing formula of having a counselor on hand, so you see the couple sometimes flailing a bit with issues of communication, trust, and honesty.

[sweetsnspeed 52]

One thing that We didn't see mentioned, when you talk about the possibilities, you should also have the conversation during non playtime (i.e. driving to the grocery store, somewhere where it won't escalate into play time right then and there). This will also help you get a better feel for how keen she is on the idea. When you are already in the midst of playing, usually your mind is more receptive to ideas and fantasies. But if you are driving down the road on the way to get a gallon of milk, your mindset is a bit different.

Now mind you, if you are having the talk on the way back to the house after getting your milk, pray that there are no interruptions when you get there because you will both most likely be trying to tear each others clothes off while you are trying to get into the house.

 

Another thing that may help is while you are on that trip, and walking through the store or park or at dinner, you can (discretely) point out people and/or couples out to each other and play the 'would you with them?' game.

[sweetsnspeed 52]

On a somewhat related note, do they have the Swing or Triple Play season available on netflix, amazon, hulu, etc?