Jealous of playmates

[MrDSnKW 17]

This is a different form of jealousy, and I'd like other people's perspective.

 

First some background into our LS experience. My wife and I first started with swinging a few years ago but our first full swap didn't end well and we decided to call it quits. A few years later (a few months ago) the subject came up again and we decided to give it another try. I'm happy to say that our re-entry with our first couple went really well. So, although we have some experience (including both MFF and MFM) I wouldn't consider ourselves seasoned swingers.

 

Now for my situation. We have soft swapped with a previously vanilla friend couple (their first time, we only did oral but wives didn't reciprocate) as well as a FMF with one of my wife's friends. Meaning both instances were with friends. I now find myself feeling little pangs of jealousy, not regarding my wife, but regarding these friends. The couple has since branched out a bit and started playing with some of their other friends and my wife's female friend is trying to rekindle a relationship with someone from her past. This is causing a small jealousy issue in me even though I know it shouldn't since they are not my partner(s) and we don't have a romantic relationship.

 

I know where these feelings are coming from, I just don't know how to get rid of them. My inner psychoanalyst says it's because of my desire to feel wanted and desired. I'm a little insecure about not being desirable to others, so when I find someone interested in me I take their interest in someone else as a rejection of me, that they no longer desire me which hurts a little bit.

 

So I'm seeking advice in this, something to help change my mindset because I'm about ready to tell my wife I shouldn't be swinging.

[Alura 2,775]

from Oklahoma, Mr.DSnKW! We're glad you've joined us!

 

Your feelings sound more like envy than jealousy, which may be similar but not the same. Keep delving into your emotions, assess them, and I'm sure you'll find a solution. Others on this board can help as well.

 

Good luck!

[MrDSnKW 17]

Yeah, I'm sure part if it is envy since I want more play experiences. But is this normal? Have others experienced this as well?

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Maybe you should branch out and find some other playmates too? That should help with the envy thing since you won't feel so tied to just a few people that you kind of fell into swinging with since they were already friends.

[MrDSnKW 17]

That's the plan. We've gone to a few local clubs a few times (and that's where one MFM took place) but haven't met another couple yet. We also went to a M&G but it was at a strip club and was too loud to do much socializing and we got frustrated and left early. Trying to find some time to get together with the wife to join SLS.

[enhancer 1,587]

I don't know what I could say to change the way you are feeling about it, because it is not something I have dealt with myself! It sounds like you are saying you have some insecurities that you are dealing with and I would think that might be where the issue lies. Work on that part of you and the other part might get fixed.

 

Speaking for ourselves if we ever felt like any of our play friends were getting jealous about what we were choosing to do with other people we would distance ourselves promptly. We don't feel we should have to explain ourselves to anyone. Freedom is part of the lifestyle.

 

This is not to say you are a bad person for feeling the way you do! Just letting you know it might scare some people away that don't want any drama in their extra experiences.

[EastInWest 1,524]

Yeah, I'm sure part if it is envy since I want more play experiences. But is this normal? Have others experienced this as well?

 

While I can't speak to that situation, it sounds normal, based on what you've said. I don't think I know anybody who *didn't* go through a teenage phase where somebody was getting a lot of sex and they were frustrated because they felt like they weren't. This sounds similar. I hear frustration that they're having additional fun without you, and you aren't sure how to resolve it since you know you can't really expect them to include you. It may not be about them or about jealousy at all.

 

Maybe you should branch out and find some other playmates too? That should help with the envy thing since you won't feel so tied to just a few people that you kind of fell into swinging with since they were already friends.

 

That sounds like the answer.

[MrDSnKW 17]

I talked it over with the wife and realized it's similar to when I was a teen having a crush on someone and they didn't show interest back. I know it's not the same situation because there's no romantic involvement, but I still don't quite like the feeling. I will say, though, talking about it with my wife made me feel a lot better. I've realized from our talk and from further reading here that not everyone will find me desirable but most importantly if my playmates didn't originally fine me desirable then we wouldn't have played in the first place. I just need to focus on that and find others that are willing to play!

[Psyrex 56]

There have been threads here dealing with intimacy issues, such as kissing and I have seen other threads where a spouse mentions their SO developing feelings ranging from small crushes to falling in love with swing partners, and the spouse thinks it's cute and innocent but always mindful of keeping them in check.

Our emotions can control us or we can control them but I can completely understand how someone can develop those feelings.

Before I was married, I had to feel an emotional connection with my partner or it wasn't happening. I didn't think I could just have raw, meaningless, animalistic sex. That is something my wife and I have discussed, especially after reading the threads I mentioned. How do we do this and keep emotions out of it? Obviously, there has to be something that clicks, but it doesn't have to be an emotion as strong as love. It's ok to like someone else that you give yourself to, just don't let it grow and definitely don't become attached to the point where you feel the way you do when they are intimate with others. That is unfair to your wife.

 

I asked my wife how we would approach another man for her to fuck. Should we approach him at a club or wait for him to approach her. What she said led to us fucking each other's brains out. She said, why do I have to get to know his life story and everything about him. I'll just find a guy I like and ask him if he wants to fuck me while my husband watches, films, and then joins and then we never have to see each other again.

 

I love my slutwife.

[Guest FunintheSnow]

We are newish, and I definitely get this feeling too. For me, it's an ego thing, more similar to when one of my high school friends would go to a party I wasn't invited to. For me, the remedy has been to remind myself that there are lots of fish in the swinger sea and to pursue other avenues, and it sounds like you're doing that.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

I understand a bit of what you are feeling. I may have an impulse to feel envy for other lifestyle friends who are whooping it up and having a great time on a Saturday night, if I'm home washing my socks. But hopefully the mature, rational side of me takes over quickly, and tells me that this is simply how it is in the lifestyle- my play friends have other play friends, just as we ourselves have other play friends. This is how the lifestyle works! If I don't want us to feel left out of the fun, it's our responsibility to go find some fun, or make some ourselves- no one else's.

 

So, the first idea is one that has already been given- go find yourselves some other lifestyle friends! Once you develop a good circle of friends, you will have less time to feel envious of your first friends. Do you two think that you are more selective than your original lifestyle friends? If so, that could certainly account for your original friends having other play dates. And if that's the case, more power to 'em- they had a run of luck meeting people, but your luck will turn around soon enough.

 

Another notion is to set an example of "share and share alike", by introducing your friends to each other. By "paying it forward" in this way, you encourage your friends to enjoy the lifestyle more, and I think they will repay that kindness by introducing you to their friends as well. Our circle of friends grew enormously after a special couple began introducing us around early last year, and we recently had a chance to do the same kind of thing by introducing some old friends to a circle of new friends we'd met when we were down at the Naughty in N'awlins party in New Orleans. It's a great way to help your friends, and meet new people, too!

 

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

[MrDSnKW 17]

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

 

My "mental state" is certainly improved. I guess I just needed to talk things out, which I did here as well as with my wife. I also found out she felt similar to me. So, were just going to branch out. We signed up for SLS and attended a M&G over the weekend, though it was small and pretty much everyone was outside our age range.

 

Which leads me to another question that I'll probably post another topic for..

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Good on you for signing up on SLS! You will hopefully meet some new people there, and also find out about clubs, parties, and meet-and-greet groups in your area.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Love, trust, communication. Jealousy is usually an absence of enough trust, which comes from communication, which happens because you love each other, causing you to trust. Keep talking, openly and honestly and the rest will follow.