Newbies, and First Time Experience wasn't the best

[BonnienClyde27 16]

Hi Everyone. We are very new to the lifestyle and I we want to know as much as possible. We been together for 8 yrs now and have talked about being in the lifestyle for years. So recently I told my man let's do it. We did what we knew best, post and try to meet people. We discussed the do's and don't etc. I was the one that was worried that I would be jealous or he would leave me and so on. Insecurities that it's hard to admit. We decided to go to a resort. It was nice and comfortable, better than I expected. We danced and had some drinks. Met other couples and single females. Flirted a little. The night was going so well. I said well so far so good. Let's go to the after party. Why not, right? We saw orgies and I gave him a blowjob, while he played with me. I wasn't ready to touch anyone so we left and went to the pool. We actually met a woman and a man. She was only there for the weekend. We talked with her, had a blast. We actually got completely naked in the pool. Things were going so well, I couldn't believe it myself.

 

Then here is when things went south. We met a couple. My man and I are very sociable people so we make friends everywhere. It was nice talking to them and to me it seems out nowhere my man started to play with me and they were touching me and kissing me. At one point I was all in it and it was like an alarm rang in my head and body and I pushed them away. I held on to my man and kept telling him I love you and he said it back. Trying to access me, to see what was going on. I just couldn't react. I am such a outspoken person and I couldn't talk. I felt weird and like the other man went too far. See, I had expressed to my man that I never wanted to play with another man only another woman can join us. So it felt wrong and I wasn't myself. It just got worse and worse as the night continued. The guy kept on trying to touch me and my man didn't know where I was at mentally. I tried to do it but I couldn't even act like myself. Like I lost my voice. I was completely embarrassed and it caused a conflict with us. He felt I should of told him let's go and that I shut him out.

 

He feels due to that experience I am not ready for the lifestyle. Which isn't true, I just didn't feel that connection to continue. It's crazy even after all that. The same couple wants to see us again and the man is still trying to play with me. Please help us. How can we go about this in a better way, what advice do you give us. I just want to have fun but he is not going to go through that again with me. He is upset with my reaction not with me but still I don't know how to convince him to let's try again.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Hello, BonnienClyde27, and welcome to SwingersBoard!

 

You certainly jumped into swinging with both feet, and it sounds like you may have quickly moved beyond the point that was prudent for you two, given what you knew about what you wanted, and especially given what you did not know about how you would react.

 

I understand that, in the thick of events, you were feeling kind of overwhelmed, and had some trouble expressing yourself. Did you and your husband discuss beforehand what you were looking for; namely, that you were really only looking to play with a woman? If so, then it might have been nice for him to give you a hand when things started up between you and the other guy, call a short recess in the proceedings, and check in with you to see if your thoughts about playing with other guys had changed. If you and your hubby had not talked about that beforehand, then he might be excused for assuming that you were interested in playing with the other guy.

 

Your husband's anger toward you is not a helpful reaction. After all, in a situation like a first-time play scenario, you never really know how you're going to react until you are actually in the situation. I believe that couples should be prepared for some unusual reactions, from themselves and their partners, and be ready to give each other a break if any less-than-completely-rational responses come to the surface. Talk it over afterwards, free for anger or judgements, analyze what happened and how you each felt about it, and try to come into the next experience better equipped to deal with things.

 

If you only want to play with women, you need to be crystal clear about that- with each other, and with people you meet. That way, you can hopefully avoid the kind of scenario where you're trying to go with the flow, even thought you don't feel right about it, and putting yourself in a dicey emotional situation.

 

Total truth between you two is critical to avoiding future problems, or dealing with any future issues that might arise. I also recommend that you be up front with this other couple, tell them that you found yourselves in a situation that was not right for your lifestyle preferences, and that, due to your inexperience, you were not able to extricate yourselves from the situation before regrettably leading the other couple into thinking that you were up for playing with another guy. Apologize for the misunderstanding, wish them well, and make it clear that the other couple are actually not a good match for what you are looking for in the lifestyle.

 

I hope this helps. Your husband may want to visit this forum as well, and maybe read over your shoulder! If you want to talk more about what happened, your or your husband's thoughts or feelings, or anything else, come on back!

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Welcome to the Swingers Board! We're happy to have you here with us, but regret that it was a bad experience that brought you here. But, like life, in swinging good things happen and sometimes bad things happen, so you do just what you are doing...try to figure out what went wrong so you can avoid it in the future and then move forward from there.

 

The way I see it, there's no real "blame" here, just a perfect storm of things coming together due to inexperience and then not being sure how to deal with them. All of the things you described can happen, especially when first starting out, like getting caught up in things and not knowing how to get off, getting steamrolled by new emotions you have never experienced before, etc. Unfortunately, for you they happened all at once your first time out so you didn't have the experience of having already dealt with one issue to help you deal with the next one when it came.

 

CoupleinMD79 gave some great advice. Read this site much and one theme that will quickly jump to the top is communication. It's a must in swinging; you've got to have it and it's got to be really good, otherwise there will be problems, it's a given. So, I think that is where I would focus on this, as a learning experience to improve communication. It was an uncomfortable situation, but it doesn't sound like any real or permanent harm was done...nothing that can't be worked through together. Just take a step back to reflect, keep on communicating with each other, and I think together you will both come out of this experience being more prepared for next time.

[BonnienClyde27 16]

Thank you for your input and advice and to his defense he was trying to figure out what my thoughts were. I just couldn't speak. It just was too much for me all at once. He would never put me or make me do something I am not comfortable with on purpose.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

First, don't ever try to rush of force anything. Second, the other guy should have asked if what he was doing was alright with the both of you. Third, you need to be able to let him know that it wasn't okay (all easy things to type in hindsight but much harder to do in real time).

 

As already said, you and your SO need to probably improve your communication more. You both need to know what either of your limits are and if one of you is going or being pushed beyond those limits, the other needs to step in and slow things down (or put a stop to them). This is a team sport and if one of you are having difficulties, the other needs to step up and help out.

 

I'm guessing here but it appears that you man wouldn't mind to watching you play with another man (not uncommon at all). This is something that you both need to talk more about. If you really don't want to do this, he needs to know and have your back in the future. If you are both not able to agree on your (current) limits, then maybe he is right and you aren't ready for this...or maybe he is just trying to be passive-aggressive and get you to do something you don't want to do (now). Bottom line is you both need to talk more and determine your ground rules and know that he will be there to protect you. You can always change (and should change) the rules as things go forward and adapt (or maybe you won't ever want to change your rules...it entirely up to the two of you), but you always need to both be on the same page. Good luck.