Husband *too* into potential playmate?

[Guest FunintheSnow]

Hey,

 

Have you and your spouse ever decided not to play with a couple because one of you seemed *too* attracted to their potential partner? Or am I just the most insecure person in the ls? :-)

 

My husband and I have only been in the ls a few months and have had a few partners. He has found them all attractive, but he has not responded the way he did to this one when we met her and her husband.

 

He told me he "would love to have sex with her"--and while I sure hope he feels enthusiastic about all his partners, I didn't want to hear that and I would never say that to him. Then I saw that he had texted a mutual friend that when he saw this woman, he thought, "Wow."

 

I know it's stupid, but I feel so jealous I want to throw up. I like her and her husband, but not so much I think I can be okay with having my husband fuck her.

 

Do I need to get over it, do we need guidelines for whag we say to each other, or am I just too jealous for the ls?

 

Oh, and yes, they are eager to play with us and we will be at the same party in a couple of weeks, with the understanding that we will play.

 

Thanks. ?

[Lionheart72 2,190]

With my wife and I, if either of us is uncomfortable about a swinging situation, for any reason or no clear reason at all, we have the right to veto. No arguments. No explanations needed.

 

Obviously, you are very uncomfortable with your husband playing with this woman. You need to tell him that and, IMO, he should... he must... respect your feelings. I do think it would be good for you to explore why you feel this way, so that you understand what the issue is and can try to avoid it in future, but you shouldn't have to justify it. The way you feel is the way you feel.

[enhancer 1,585]

Honestly I think you should tell your husband what you just told us about how you are feeling about this situation! You two can figure it out together and maybe talking with him will reassure you that it is only sex with her he is excited about. If it is only the sex he is excited about remember what it is you are in the lifestyle for. Personally neither one of us would want to have sex with someone we didn't find exciting and attractive.

 

Regardless if you don't want it to happen then it shouldn't! You are in this together and both have a say on what does and doesn't happen no matter the reason why.

[Guest FunintheSnow]

Honestly I think you should tell your husband what you just told us about how you are feeling about this situation! You two can figure it out together and maybe talking with him will reassure you that it is only sex with her he is excited about. If it is only the sex he is excited about remember what it is you are in the lifestyle for.

 

I did tell him, and he did reassure me. I want him to be excited--I just don't want to hear how excited he is. Now I can't get it out of my head. I was thinking we could just not play with this couple, and in the future he could be more aware of what comments set my jealousy off. He thinks this all means I am just too jealous for the ls and we should just get out. Not only do I not want to do that, I don't want there to be this memory of the ls of something that we tried but had to quit because I was too jealous. I've been the more enthusiastic partner in the ls up to now.

 

For this coming week, we have no ls events, so we are going to stay off sls and our other ways of communicating with play friends and basically pretend we've left the ls--then see how we feel. Maybe we will leave--I don't know.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

I want him to be excited--I just don't want to hear how excited he is.

To be honest, I do think this shows that you may have an issue to work through, in order for you to be comfortable enjoying the lifestyle. It seems to me to be inherently unfair to discourage your husband from enjoying the activity that you are both engaging in. He is married to you, after all, and when you two are done with a hot play session, he comes home with you!

 

I agree with others who recommend a little analysis of your feelings on this. Without knowing more about what he has said, it's not entirely clear which direction your concerns may be taking- whether this is a case of 1) concern that he finds this other woman more attractive or sexy than he finds you, or 2) a concern that he is developing romantic feelings for this woman.

 

If it's more the former, then perhaps the root lies in a measure of insecurity about your attractiveness? This is, by the way, completely understandable! My wife (and I, to be honest) entered the lifestyle with some skepticism about whether other couples would find us attractive. The Mrs. has been pleasantly surprised to find that others find her hot, and now she's finally starting to believe what I've been telling her!

 

If your concern is more the latter (that he may be developing romantic feelings), then I think it is more a matter of trust between you and your husband. A basic premise of swinging is that you both are able to separate the "friends with benefits" relationship among swingers, from the kind of relationship that involves romantic feelings. If you and your husband have discussed this question, and he has assured you that has reaction is nothing more than "swinger lust", then it remains to examine whether you trust that assurance enough to be comfortable. And by the way, the fact that he is willing to step away from swinging altogether sounds like a great sign- that he finds you to be the most important thing in this issue!

 

On the occasions when you two have played with another couple, have you been in the same room, or in different rooms? If you've ever played in the same room with your husband, what are your feelings when you see and hear him giving and receiving pleasure with another woman? Does the green monster of jealousy rear its head in this scenario?

 

I hope you two can come to an accommodation on issues like this. It doesn't seem quite right to ask your husband to suppress his excitement, just as it wouldn't seem right for you to feel like you had to suppress your excitement if you found a possible play partner who you found hot! Whether you continue in the lifestyle, take a step back, or turn away completely, I hope you two are happy with whatever you decide.

[EastInWest 1,524]

To be honest, I do think this shows that you may have an issue to work through, in order for you to be comfortable enjoying the lifestyle. It seems to me to be inherently unfair to discourage your husband from enjoying the activity that you are both engaging in. He is married to you, after all, and when you two are done with a hot play session, he comes home with you!

 

I agree with others who recommend a little analysis of your feelings on this. Without knowing more about what he has said, it's not entirely clear which direction your concerns may be taking- whether this is a case of 1) concern that he finds this other woman more attractive or sexy than he finds you, or 2) a concern that he is developing romantic feelings for this woman....I hope you two can come to an accommodation on issues like this. It doesn't seem quite right to ask your husband to suppress his excitement, just as it wouldn't seem right for you to feel like you had to suppress your excitement if you found a possible play partner who you found hot! Whether you continue in the lifestyle, take a step back, or turn away completely, I hope you two are happy with whatever you decide.

 

I think you're right on target. Plus, if it's the former, the husband may not be vocalizing similar thoughts about his wife even though he thinks them to himself, and she's taken aback to hear it about someone else.

 

If it's the latter, well, women are often socialized to link sex and love and see a man taking a sexual interest in someone else as a threat. Men... often aren't, and he may be genuinely confused at her reaction.

 

Agree 100% that it sounds really messy to encourage him to do something but discourage the enthusiasm that goes with it.

[Guest FunintheSnow]

Agree 100% that it sounds really messy to encourage him to do something but discourage the enthusiasm that goes with it.

 

I want to clarify a distinction I'm making so y'all can either tell me you agree it's a distinction or call me on my bullshit. :-)

 

I want him to *feel* enthusiasm. I just don't want him to *tell* me how excited he feels about a particular woman.

 

I do actually believe I'm sexy and that he and others find me sexy. I also have some insecurities (for extra credit, see my post about small breasts). :-) I have loved seeing him with other women. It makes me very hot. I have hated it when he tells me details afterward (even though we are in the same room--I do not like to hear about it from his point of view). Do I really have to be okay with hearing how nice another woman's ass was, as long as I am fine (even pleased) to see him fondling her ass?

 

Perplexed. :-(

[Guest FunintheSnow]

PS Yeah, I have to admit that no matter what he says (and he does try), I am afraid he finds her more attractive than me and that he will wish he could sleep with her all the time rather than me, even though he loves me and not her. I have a nice body, but it's not the kind most men fantasize about, I think (we describe it as a gymnast's body in our profile). And now that I type that, I am laughing at myself. I think I've heard that some men find gymnasts really hot. And yes, I am flexible and, um, energetic. :-) I work out an hour a day and take pole dancing classes. What am I worried about? Boobs. And maybe that my muscles are too masculine.

[JandKinBoise 858]

The way our brains torture us is infuriating. I fully understand your stance on this. We had a lover that would make J crazy anticipating sex with him. I was amused more than anything but had she SAID anything like "omg, I cant wait to see him" I would have had a horrible rush of uncontrollable emotions that would be difficult to conceal.

 

My advise is to go with it. There are many big steps to take in this LS. Most you look back on thinking no big deal. I feel this will be one of those times. You will see him playing with her and be fine with it. You are just feeling a little insecure. Who hasn't? I think you'll be better afterward.

[EastInWest 1,524]

I want to clarify a distinction I'm making so y'all can either tell me you agree it's a distinction or call me on my bullshit. :-)...Do I really have to be okay with hearing how nice another woman's ass was, as long as I am fine (even pleased) to see him fondling her ass? Perplexed. :-(

 

You don't have to be OK with anything at all. All your feelings are normal and valid, and we'd have to be really clueless to say "we don't see why this would bother you".

 

At the same time, I'm just putting myself in his shoes. Men love to talk about sex. I can barely restrain myself from talking about it, sometimes. You're his partner in life and he's in love with you. I'd want to open up. It's sort of going to tend to come with the territory.

 

You say you're excited to see him with her. Do you talk about that with him? Is he interested to hear you talk about your side of it? Does he enjoy your side of the conversation and maybe he doesn't see why you don't experience it the same way he does?

 

PS Yeah, I have to admit that no matter what he says (and he does try), I am afraid he finds her more attractive than me and that he will wish he could sleep with her all the time rather than me, even though he loves me and not her. I have a nice body, but it's not the kind most men fantasize about, I think (we describe it as a gymnast's body in our profile). And now that I type that, I am laughing at myself. I think I've heard that some men find gymnasts really hot. And yes, I am flexible and, um, energetic. :-) I work out an hour a day and take pole dancing classes. What am I worried about? Boobs. And maybe that my muscles are too masculine.

 

There it is. This is kind of what I suspected and was getting at earlier...

 

Women are often - not always - socialized to tangle up sex and love. Men often aren't. When women see men express sexual interest in a woman, there's often a strong instinct there to see the woman as a problem and a threat. "Oh, so THAT'S what you REALLY like." The traditional structure of creating a stable home for children (of easily-discerned parentage) says that's the way it is.

 

In reality, we can walk into a room and take an interest in having sex with every different woman in the room - and routinely do - and it doesn't change the fact that there's only one woman we actually care about. It's not "rather than" being with you. It's just the way our bodies work and the way they are linked to our brains. If anything, we specifically trade in having sex with lots of partners for that romantic relationship to keep our exclusive partner feeling safe and happy, and there's a lot of conditioning there for you to read his interest in it as a problem.

 

He's excited, the two of you are experiencing this together and he may have no idea that it's coming across to you as something other than a kind of sporting interest in a warm body. If I were in his position, I'd hear that you don't trust his reasons for wanting it and that if I follow through on it, I'm probably going to hurt your feelings and not know what to do about it, because there's no argument I can make to prove what's going on inside my head. (If that makes sense.) That'd probably signal me to stop whatever we're about to do, too.

 

You're already an exceedingly cool and sexy wife for being interested in this at all. Assuming the best intentions, he is trying to be cautious and protect himself (and the two of you as a couple) from a bad emotional situation that might be really difficult to navigate after the fact. I don't think you have anything to be concerned about, but you're also right to want to sort it out first.

 

...and yeah, nothing wrong with gymnasts. It's definitely not about that.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

I have a nice body, but it's not the kind most men fantasize about, I think (we describe it as a gymnast's body in our profile). And now that I type that, I am laughing at myself.

 

STOP THAT! You have NO idea what men fantasize about (they fantasize about just about EVERY kind of woman).

 

You need to instead of worrying about how you (think you) look and instead work to improve your communication and trust with your husband. I'm sure that he has told you that it is YOU that he finds attractive and are going home with. Why don't you just accept that and BELIEVE what he says. Maybe take a break and work on trust and communication as you need both in abundance to be successful in the L/S.

[intuition897 2,179]

PS Yeah, I have to admit that no matter what he says (and he does try), I am afraid he finds her more attractive than me and that he will wish he could sleep with her all the time rather than me, even though he loves me and not her. I have a nice body, but it's not the kind most men fantasize about, I think (we describe it as a gymnast's body in our profile). And now that I type that, I am laughing at myself. I think I've heard that some men find gymnasts really hot. And yes, I am flexible and, um, energetic. :-) I work out an hour a day and take pole dancing classes. What am I worried about? Boobs. And maybe that my muscles are too masculine.

 

That part right there in bold. There's yer problem. Mr. intuition and I recently started playing again after a 10 year hiatus. My playmate and I were VERY enthused with one another. Mr. intuition expressed concern about this, saying that he worried that we would find other partners more attractive or who were better in bed than one another. By the way, of my husband and I, EastInWest, I am definitely the more detached. I call BS on the women-are-more-emotionally-entangled thing. People are just people, and we all have our insecurities.

 

Anyway, addressing Mr. intuition's concerns, I said that there will probably always be someone out there who is better at something than I am, and I'm okay with that. "Really??" he said. I said, yes, that's kind of the point. I can't be everything to him, and I don't want to be. I've got one of those Marilyn Monroe figures with boobs and ass and (relatively) small waist. I've got a little meat on my bones, though. No one will ever be able to wash their socks on my abs. I have dark hair and eyes. I have a weird but oddly magnetic personality, because I'm very genuine. I'm smart, but absent-minded. I can be funny when I don't try to be. I often say the wrong thing. I am not you, and I never will be.

 

But the thing is, I don't want to be you. I like being me. I refuse to put on a wig to be blonde, if that happened to be my husband's kink. I refuse to diet to take myself down to an uncomfortably, unsustainably low weight, just to get a stupid thigh gap if that was his thing. No, not even for my husband would I change who I am. I am not bothered by the fact that he would would find your flexibility, energy, enthusiasm, and athletic physique enchanting. You're built like a racehorse, I'm more plush and comfy. Neither of us is better than the other; we're just different. And "different" is the whole point of the LS. I am NOT every other woman in the world, and I don't need to be. I just need to be the glorious goddess I already know I am - the one that other men are enchanted by, too. I don't make him choose between goddesses; he gets to keep me AND experience the joys of sexual variety with you. You realize, of course, that it's just as possible that some other woman could feel as you do, about how her husband is ridiculously attracted to you? We're all very much equals, we're just different.

 

So what happens if one of us finds someone else whom we like better in bed? I said to him that I'm not afraid of that. What we have transcends the physical. I will always be here, and if he finds himself obsessed with another woman because they have wicked chemistry, so be it. I know that it's temporary, and he should enjoy the passion while it lasts. The "new car smell" will start to fade, and I will still be there, happy that he had the experience. Because that's all I want for him: a good, happy, rich life, full of amazing experiences. A backpack full of memories that he can enjoy. Things he doesn't regret. I don't mind that he would tell me about it, because above all else, I am excited by anything that gets him excited.

[Guest FunintheSnow]

You folks are so helpful and insightful. I do recognize it's my issue to deal with--more about building my trust than improving our communication, because really, he does tell me all the right things. I just don't like it when he tells me the "wrong" things. :-)

 

I will never be like you in that I will never be that evolved, Intuition897. If that attitude is required for the lifestyle, then we'll have to get out.I am glad you feel that way,but found it pretty discouraging.

[EastInWest 1,524]

By the way, of my husband and I, EastInWest, I am definitely the more detached. I call BS on the women-are-more-emotionally-entangled thing. People are just people, and we all have our insecurities.

 

 

Let me clarify my meaning there: I don't think women are more emotionally entangled about sex. I think women, in our society, are more likely to be taught that they're supposed to be emotionally tangled about sex and that sex and emotional entanglement are virtually the same thing, while men are more likely to be taught that not only is there no need to be entangled, but even that they should actively separate them.

 

There's sometimes a difference between what we really think and what we're afraid we're supposed to think, like so-called "Shy Tory Syndrome" where British voters would lie to pollsters because they felt socially obligated to be for what it's polite to be for and against what it's polite to be against, even though stating their actual view to a stranger was completely anonymous and free of consequences. Likewise, in some societies, it's perfectly normal for a man to have a "little wife"/"side-bedroom wife"/mistress. Men are conditioned to expect it, women are conditioned to tolerate it or even welcome the help running the household, yet it'd not only be a deal-breaker for many North American couples, but they'd be outraged by other couples even considering it.

 

There are certainly culturally-received notions out there that if a man notices another woman, it must somehow reflect on an insufficiency in his partner. I think most of us on this forum know that this is not an accurate model of a functional libido. I certainly could be reading too much into it, and FunintheSnow can speak to her own mind, but it was hard not to see a hint of that in her comment. I think/hope it's constructive to explore why she's turned on by watching it, glad that he's enthusiastic about it, but put off by hearing him talk about it. If it's not just about this woman but any women, there's maybe a contradictory idea floating around in there somewhere and she can have more fun by getting to the bottom of it.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

I will never be like you in that I will never be that evolved, Intuition897. If that attitude is required for the lifestyle, then we'll have to get out.I am glad you feel that way,but found it pretty discouraging.

 

The lifestyle isn't for everyone. If you feel that it isn't right for you, that's OK. If you feel that it is, just not the same terms Intuition897 is on, that's ok too. As long as you and your husband are honest and open, as long as you are both having fun together... the rest is details. There isn't really a single right way to get to that honesty, openness and fun.

 

That said, it sounds like your really down on yourself, physically and mentally. You're feeling that your body isn't good enough. You're feeling that your mindset isn't good enough. I would encourage you to try and work on that. Be comfortable with being you.

[Guest FunintheSnow]

 

That said, it sounds like your really down on yourself, physically and mentally. You're feeling that your body isn't good enough. You're feeling that your mindset isn't good enough. I would encourage you to try and work on that. Be comfortable with being you.

 

What I am feeling is hypersensitive and unsure. I should probably stop posting in this mood! :-) I think I rock. I think I'm hot. I think I'm fantastic in bed.My partners write love notes to my pussy. :-) I just am also jealous and insecure, and if my husband wanted someone else more than me, I wouldn't care if 10,000 other men were orgasming at the mere sight of me.

 

[Deep breath] But he doesn't, and I need to find a way to really trust that, no matter what he says about other women--and also try to help him understand which things he says are likely to make me backslide.

[Guest FunintheSnow]

As a point of interest...I just realized that *I* am more attracted to women with bodies like Intrigue's than with ones like mine. I do like small breasts fine, but I love to play with women with lush, soft bodies. If I had to pick a woman as a lifetime sexual partner--based on body type, at least--I wouldn't pick a gymnast type. Maybe that's the real reason I doubt my husband's preference for me! Hmm...

[intuition897 2,179]

I will never be like you in that I will never be that evolved, Intuition897. If that attitude is required for the lifestyle, then we'll have to get out.I am glad you feel that way,but found it pretty discouraging.

 

Shit. Sorry. I never intended to discourage you. This whole thing is a journey, not a destination. You may not end up in the same spot as us, but that's okay. The point is to use the experience to grow closer and stronger as a couple.

 

I'm glad to hear you have healthy self-esteem. That's great. All I can suggest is asking yourself why you don't like it when he tells you the "wrong" things. And when you find those answers, sharing them with him, saying, "When you tell me those things, I feel/think this. Is this right?" If he says, no, it's not true, you should not believe or think that, it should prompt you to again ask yourself why you can't or don't believe it. And so on and so forth. Keep asking yourself the hard questions, finding the answers, and bringing them to him. Work together for the solutions. I promise, if you trust one another and bring nothing but love to one another in the process, it enables unbelievable growth as a couple.

[Guest FunintheSnow]

Shit. Sorry. I never intended to discourage you. This whole thing is a journey, not a destination. You may not end up in the same spot as us, but that's okay. The point is to use the experience to grow closer and stronger as a couple.

 

I'm glad to hear you have healthy self-esteem. That's great. All I can suggest is asking yourself why you don't like it when he tells you the "wrong" things. And when you find those answers, sharing them with him, saying, "When you tell me those things, I feel/think this. Is this right?" If he says, no, it's not true, you should not believe or think that, it should prompt you to again ask yourself why you can't or don't believe it. And so on and so forth. Keep asking yourself the hard questions, finding the answers, and bringing them to him. Work together for the solutions. I promise, if you trust one another and bring nothing but love to one another in the process, it enables unbelievable growth as a couple.

 

You rock, Intuition897. Sorry I read your first response with my hypersensitivity engaged. :-)

[Psyrex 56]

That part right there in bold. There's yer problem. Mr. intuition and I recently started playing again after a 10 year hiatus. My playmate and I were VERY enthused with one another. Mr. intuition expressed concern about this, saying that he worried that we would find other partners more attractive or who were better in bed than one another. By the way, of my husband and I, EastInWest, I am definitely the more detached. I call BS on the women-are-more-emotionally-entangled thing. People are just people, and we all have our insecurities.

 

Anyway, addressing Mr. intuition's concerns, I said that there will probably always be someone out there who is better at something than I am, and I'm okay with that. "Really??" he said. I said, yes, that's kind of the point. I can't be everything to him, and I don't want to be. I've got one of those Marilyn Monroe figures with boobs and ass and (relatively) small waist. I've got a little meat on my bones, though. No one will ever be able to wash their socks on my abs. I have dark hair and eyes. I have a weird but oddly magnetic personality, because I'm very genuine. I'm smart, but absent-minded. I can be funny when I don't try to be. I often say the wrong thing. I am not you, and I never will be.

 

But the thing is, I don't want to be you. I like being me. I refuse to put on a wig to be blonde, if that happened to be my husband's kink. I refuse to diet to take myself down to an uncomfortably, unsustainably low weight, just to get a stupid thigh gap if that was his thing. No, not even for my husband would I change who I am. I am not bothered by the fact that he would would find your flexibility, energy, enthusiasm, and athletic physique enchanting. You're built like a racehorse, I'm more plush and comfy. Neither of us is better than the other; we're just different. And "different" is the whole point of the LS. I am NOT every other woman in the world, and I don't need to be. I just need to be the glorious goddess I already know I am - the one that other men are enchanted by, too. I don't make him choose between goddesses; he gets to keep me AND experience the joys of sexual variety with you. You realize, of course, that it's just as possible that some other woman could feel as you do, about how her husband is ridiculously attracted to you? We're all very much equals, we're just different.

 

So what happens if one of us finds someone else whom we like better in bed? I said to him that I'm not afraid of that. What we have transcends the physical. I will always be here, and if he finds himself obsessed with another woman because they have wicked chemistry, so be it. I know that it's temporary, and he should enjoy the passion while it lasts. The "new car smell" will start to fade, and I will still be there, happy that he had the experience. Because that's all I want for him: a good, happy, rich life, full of amazing experiences. A backpack full of memories that he can enjoy. Things he doesn't regret. I don't mind that he would tell me about it, because above all else, I am excited by anything that gets him excited.

 

 

I have nothing to add. I just wanted to quote this post. Bravo!

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Wow, you all had some great conversation since my last post in this thread!

 

FunintheSnow, for what it's worth, I think you have what it takes to really enjoy swinging! It's really just a question of whether you and your husband can find a way of doing this that you both find enjoyable, and that keeps you two solid and strong together.

 

I know one couple who have been doing this for a long time, who enjoy playing together in the same room or separate rooms, who have all kinds of fun watching each other, and have no problems talking and listening to their spouses talk about how much they enjoy past and future play partners. But the woman gets this stab of jealousy if she happens to see another woman affectionately stroking her husband's cheek- not when she sees her kissing him, or fucking the stuffing out of him, or hears him saying how good she feels, but when she strokes his cheek. She doesn't quite understand why, but it gets to her somehow. To her, that particular thing seems like an emotional-attachment signal, and it just makes her feel jealous. She acknowledges that it's not entirely rational that she is bothered by that, and not by other intimate sights or sounds. But they work around that, and to accommodate her comfort, he tries to make sure that specific trigger situation simply doesn't happen.

 

Perhaps your situation is similar to this. We here are trying to help you to think through your feelings and your husband's perspective, which is a good thing (and as you see, there are some wise owls here!). But we should also acknowledge that your feelings are valid, simply because you are feeling them. They are not, in and of themselves, right or wrong- they are yours. We can try to help you to work through things rationally, but we should also understand that it's, to some extent, beside the point whether your feeling about his "lust talk" make total logical sense- they don't have to. Perhaps in time your feelings about this will change, and perhaps not (I'm betting that they will, in time). What matters the most is whether you and your husband can find a way of doing this swinging business while respecting your feelings, and still both having fun.

 

Were I in your husband's shoes (and, in fact, I am!), excited about this bold adventure that you are both embarking upon, loving my wife even more than before because she chose to do this with me, thrilled to be sharing it with my wife, I'd want to sing from the rooftops about how cool this is! And I'd want to talk to my best friend and partner in life about how exciting this is.

 

So it remains to see whether, for now at least, you and your husband can reach an accommodation that leaves you both happy in the lifestyle. Can your husband live with not talking too much about past and future play partners, and still have fun? If he slips a little bit once in a while, can you try to set that aside? If so, then my money is on you two being just fine!

[intuition897 2,179]

Wow, you all had some great conversation since my last post in this thread!

 

FunintheSnow, for what it's worth, I think you have what it takes to really enjoy swinging! It's really just a question of whether you and your husband can find a way of doing this that you both find enjoyable, and that keeps you two solid and strong together.

 

I know one couple who have been doing this for a long time, who enjoy playing together in the same room or separate rooms, who have all kinds of fun watching each other, and have no problems talking and listening to their spouses talk about how much they enjoy past and future play partners. But the woman gets this stab of jealousy if she happens to see another woman affectionately stroking her husband's cheek- not when she sees her kissing him, or fucking the stuffing out of him, or hears him saying how good she feels, but when she strokes his cheek. She doesn't quite understand why, but it gets to her somehow. To her, that particular thing seems like an emotional-attachment signal, and it just makes her feel jealous. She acknowledges that it's not entirely rational that she is bothered by that, and not by other intimate sights or sounds. But they work around that, and to accommodate her comfort, he tries to make sure that specific trigger situation simply doesn't happen.

 

Perhaps your situation is similar to this. We here are trying to help you to think through your feelings and your husband's perspective, which is a good thing (and as you see, there are some wise owls here!). But we should also acknowledge that your feelings are valid, simply because you are feeling them. They are not, in and of themselves, right or wrong- they are yours. We can try to help you to work through things rationally, but we should also understand that it's, to some extent, beside the point whether your feeling about his "lust talk" make total logical sense- they don't have to. Perhaps in time your feelings about this will change, and perhaps not (I'm betting that they will, in time). What matters the most is whether you and your husband can find a way of doing this swinging business while respecting your feelings, and still both having fun.

 

Were I in your husband's shoes (and, in fact, I am!), excited about this bold adventure that you are both embarking upon, loving my wife even more than before because she chose to do this with me, thrilled to be sharing it with my wife, I'd want to sing from the rooftops about how cool this is! And I'd want to talk to my best friend and partner in life about how exciting this is.

 

So it remains to see whether, for now at least, you and your husband can reach an accommodation that leaves you both happy in the lifestyle. Can your husband live with not talking too much about past and future play partners, and still have fun? If he slips a little bit once in a while, can you try to set that aside? If so, then my money is on you two being just fine!

 

This is great advice and insight from CoupleInMD79. I would invite you to get inside your husband's head as much as you can, to understand where he's coming from, and what (and how much) this outside sexual activity means to him...if anything at all. My guess? Even though he might be preoccupied at that particular moment, focusing on pleasure with this other woman, the only thought he's having about you is how awesome you are to allow him this kind of freedom, how much he loves you for it, and how he's the luckiest guy on the planet. What he's going to feel for you is the kind of tenderness and intimacy that no other woman could possibly compete with.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

We also think you rock, we also think you are hot (we don't know about being fantastic in bed, but there's always a chance we can find out ). Your husband had the chance to pick any other woman in the world and he STILL picked you. Add to that you are willing to even consider swinging and you are a major catch!

 

Trust... you need to trust what your husband is telling you, and love him more for being willing to open up and say these things, and tell him the things you feel right back to him... that's how trust increases (and jealousy decreases). Believe what he is saying to you.

 

Something that I skipped in the first post: If either one of us thought that someone else was super attracted to another person, and the other said that they don't feel comfortable with them... then we move on to the next couple. If either of us have any reservation about another couple, then we both pass on them: no explanation or reason needed. One no is the same as we both said no. I think that your husband would feel the same. Our relationship is infinitely more important than a potential playmate. Go ahead, ask your husband and report the answer back here. We already know that we are right.

[Guest FunintheSnow]

We also think you rock, we also think you are hot (we don't know about being fantastic in bed, but there's always a chance we can find out ). Your husband had the chance to pick any other woman in the world and he STILL picked you. Add to that you are willing to even consider swinging and you are a major catch!

 

Trust... you need to trust what your husband is telling you, and love him more for being willing to open up and say these things, and tell him the things you feel right back to him... that's how trust increases (and jealousy decreases). Believe what he is saying to you.

 

Something that I skipped in the first post: If either one of us thought that someone else was super attracted to another person, and the other said that they don't feel comfortable with them... then we move on to the next couple. If either of us have any reservation about another couple, then we both pass on them: no explanation or reason needed. One no is the same as we both said no. I think that your husband would feel the same. Our relationship is infinitely more important than a potential playmate. Go ahead, ask your husband and report the answer back here. We already know that we are right.

 

Well, I know you saw our profile since you were nice enough to critique it for us, GoldCoCouple, and I see from another thread that you and the Mrs. don't care for women my weight (though be fair, I am only 5'2"!) so sadly you two will never know how I am in bed.

 

But yes, I had already asked him, and he was willing to forgo this couple, but really, I would like to try to work through this and be okay with it if I can (and if I can do so with no drama inflicted on the other couple). One thing we talked about was restricting how often we play with any particular couple, because we've already become good friends with two of the four couples we've played with, and we can see that habit might lead to too-frequent playtimes with a particular partner (for our taste--not denigrating anyone else's favored spot on the fwb/polyamory scale). Knowing that even if he has the Best Sex Ever with this woman, he'll only have it twice a year or so, comforts this baby swinger.

 

And for the record...I have been the one who's been the driving force in getting us into the lifestyle (though it has been a joint decision, I tend to be the damn-the-torpedoes one in most areas, including the lifestyle).

 

Now it's just the middle part of your post I have to accept and master! Tough stuff, but I can see it would be worth it.

 

Thank you.

[Guest FunintheSnow]

Even though he might be preoccupied at that particular moment, focusing on pleasure with this other woman, the only thought he's having about you is how awesome you are to allow him this kind of freedom, how much he loves you for it, and how he's the luckiest guy on the planet. What he's going to feel for you is the kind of tenderness and intimacy that no other woman could possibly compete with.

 

Wow. I would never have thought of it this way on my own. As my kids would say, it got me in the feels! Thank you.

[Guest FunintheSnow]

I love your whole post, coupleInMD, but these bits were especially helpful to me:

 

 

I know one couple who have been doing this for a long time, who enjoy playing together in the same room or separate rooms, who have all kinds of fun watching each other, and have no problems talking and listening to their spouses talk about how much they enjoy past and future play partners. But the woman gets this stab of jealousy if she happens to see another woman affectionately stroking her husband's cheek- not when she sees her kissing him, or fucking the stuffing out of him, or hears him saying how good she feels, but when she strokes his cheek...

 

So it remains to see whether, for now at least, you and your husband can reach an accommodation that leaves you both happy in the lifestyle. Can your husband live with not talking too much about past and future play partners, and still have fun? If he slips a little bit once in a while, can you try to set that aside? If so, then my money is on you two being just fine!

 

Love the anecdote about a more experienced swinger's irrational trigger, and I love that you see what we *both* need to consider for the future. And yes, I can set aside his slip-ups as long as I know he is trying! Thanks.

[Guest FunintheSnow]

Wow. I would never have thought of it this way on my own. As my kids would say, it got me in the feels! Thank you.

 

And if I can add a reply to my own post...I showed yours to my husband, intuition897, and he agreed that he is the luckiiest guy in the world. :-)

[WSB421 91]

I've been trying to collect my thoughts before responding to this thread. I can't claim to represent swingers in any way since my wife and I are still in the talking stage. What I can claim is this, the beauty of women and men's reaction to it aren't limited to any specific body type. I'm middle-aged and have been in love a total of four times in my life and I believe some physical diversity is represented. At the time I met them:

 

1) 5'3", 34C

 

2) 5'6", 34A

 

3) 5'9", 34B

 

4) 5'0", 36DD

 

Although these women were all over the map in terms of height, weight, age (in relation to me) and breast size the thing they had in common was there was something about each of them that I found deeply intriguing. If a person strikes you in some way, you're attracted to them and whatever they are physically. Big breasts? Small breasts? Big ass? Gym ass? Flat ass? Any of the possibilities are great as long as they are on a woman I'm drawn to.

 

My wife is #4 and is of the 60's pinup variety. I don't have any LS experience yet but I'd imagine being more drawn to someone who differed from my wife's body type in the interest of a new experience. My wife is curvy and soft and amazing in bed. My ex that was a 34A had thick, muscular legs and abs from constant use of a rowing machine. The experience with her was amazing in a different way, feeling the muscular legs wrapped tightly around me was incredible. She was insanely flexible and I was obsessed with her body, including her breasts. They were responsive and beautiful and not one time did I think "if only they were bigger" although she expressed that to me a number of times. Bottom line, don't short change your nipples! Size is a lot less important than you think, I have NEVER rejected the notion of sex with a woman based on her breast size. Would the women out there really want to fuck a guy who did?

 

I looked at your SLS profile and I don't see anything to base insecurity around. You look very attractive to me in the pictures. If my wife and I were further along in this process and lived closer I would be interested in meeting up with you and your husband just based on how you look in that black dress, your lips (luscious!) and your posts on this site. The world seems to have already weighed in on how great your ass is but consider this a reiteration.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Well, I know you saw our profile since you were nice enough to critique it for us, GoldCoCouple, and I see from another thread that you and the Mrs. don't care for women my weight (though be fair, I am only 5'2"!) so sadly you two will never know how I am in bed.

 

Actually, I believe that we said that weight shouldn't be an issue: that different people of different heights will weigh different amounts. We have both always been much more interested in connections than anything else. Just don't ever say never...

[Guest FunintheSnow]

Actually, I believe that we said that weight shouldn't be an issue: that different people of different heights will weigh different amounts. We have both always been much more interested in connections than anything else. Just don't ever say never...

 

I liked your correction on the "lying" thread to take height into consideration. :-)

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

You made a good point so we fixed it. Thanks.