Safe or code word in a swinging environment?

[Sjmar 141]

Hubby and I are finally preparing to go to our first club on Saturday (eek!) and are totally committed to, at the very least, having sex with each other in one of the open playrooms. And for all I know, that may be all that happens and we might not even get approached by anyone. But if the opportunity presents itself for play with others, being that this is our first time and of course we can't really predict how we will respond until we're in the situation...

 

Does anyone use some kind of safe word or phrase, something they can say to their partner that signals that they're not comfortable with what's happening or need to just step away and reconnect? I want to be positive that no matter what's happening, if either of us are feeling uncomfortable with what's unfolding we can very easily communicate that to each other.

 

Thanks!

[Sjmar 141]

PS you guys are so totally awesome and have helped so much as we prepare to dip our toes into the LS

[Guest]

We use a code word that means, stop this and get me out of here. But, we also have signals for, I’m not interested in this couple or person (a couple of scratches on the nose tip with the tip of the finger) and for I am interested (a tug on the ear lobe on and off).

[cplnuswing 4,713]

We don't have any specific code words or gestures, but it's not a bad idea too, as long as you keep them simple so as not to get confused or miscommunicate with each other. We did run into a situation once where we were in a private room with another couple, and it just wasn't working for Mrs. cplnuswing. She said my name, and although no one else could probably have detected it, I knew just by her voice that things weren't working for her and so I just kind of initiated a shift to where the guys went back to their own spouses. I was actually kind of proud about how smoothly I pulled that off. There was a question later from the other guy about what had happened, but he wasn't insistent about it when I said things just weren't going as well as they could have been so just seemed better for all to finish with our own partners.

 

You two know each other better than anyone else. Keep your focus on your play partner but keep you antenna up scanning for any problems with your life partner and you'll be fine.

[Formybubu 56]

When we are at a club and meeting couples we use the simple drink code. If one is interested in the couple it's I'm going to the bar to refresh my drink if she says freshen mine or I'm good that it's a go. If one says I'll go with you we excuse ourselves and say we are going to get our drinks and walk around.

[Sjmar 141]

This is really helpful, thank you! We are pretty in sync with each other, and would hope that we could convey a lot of things with just a look, but want to have something like this in place just as a safeguard

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

The way I think about this, there are safe words that are used during the heat of play that basically mean "I want to stop this now", and code words that we might use when we are talking with a couple, to suggest our interest in taking things to the next level. I believe your post is asking about safe words.

 

We have been in a safe word situation only rarely, because we early always are playing with people we've talked to already, and already know we want to play with. On the few occasions where we've played in a group room with strangers, when we were approached, we basically had a very brief, real conversation, free of code words, to decide whether we were OK with the new people joining us. I tend to think that, if you're going to put yourself into a situation like that, in a group room where anonymous people are basically asking to touch right then and there, you are probably setting a lower bar for a "yes" answer.

 

If that kind of thing sounds unappealing to you, then you always have the smaller playrooms! And if you want to see and be seen, you can always play together in the smaller room, but with the door open. You may still get people asking to come in, and maybe asking to join, but it might feel a little more manageable.

[kikonkrome 844]

We found codes really hard to use, frankly we forget them in the heat of the moment.

 

We do pull each other aside to talk to each before during and after play to check in and make sure everything is good. We have had other couples do that and 'not been offended'. In fact in the times that it did happen I was pretty thankful for it, as I could see something was not working.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

If one of us wants to go, we ask the other if they remembered to 'feed the animals'. Since we are now empty nesters there are no kids at home anymore, but we do have a few animals. 'Oh, we need to get them fed before they go down for the night, sorry we have to go". Usually, this is during a first meeting and not at a club but it gives us an excuse to leave.

[Baconheads 438]

We just say, "I think we're done," or, "We need to go." No banana split or pancakes...\

 

We used that at the Scarlet Ranch when we were with a younger couple and the girl was so rough with my cock that I almost cried out in pain! She was really aggressive about our previously discussed soft status going full swap that we bailed.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

We found codes really hard to use, frankly we forget them in the heat of the moment.

Same goes for us.

 

We put aside the notion of using safe words or secret signals. We eventually decided that whatever happens, happens. If we later decide that the happening was distasteful, we'll figure a strategy to avoid it on the future.

[Sjmar 141]

"If we later decide that the happening was distasteful, we'll figure a strategy to avoid it on the future."

 

Definitely not ok with us for first time lol! I think if our first time is enjoyable and fun (as we totally anticipate it being) we will definitely be able to relax a little bit, but as much as we've talked about things and feel very comfortable, we just can't totally anticipate how either of us might feel when it actually happens. So if for instance some girl starts eating my pussy and my husband realizes "oh shit I thought I was OK with this but I am absolutely not, I'm feeling uncomfortable and I don't want anyone to touch my wife!" I absolutely want to make sure he has some way to immediately but discreetly communicate that to me. The last thing I want is to end up with a situation that we regret later, and that causes us any emotional or mental distress in our relationship. And again, I really don't think that will happen, but I would rather plan for it "just in case" than not.

 

Anywho, love the idea of gestures as signals (a tug on the ear, tapping the nose, etc). I don't think we need any complex system lol, just something discreet but clear that says " please remove yourself from what's happening so we can touch base"

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Sjmar, certainly the use of a signal is a common thing, and seems like a great idea especially for situations like yours. It may also be worth considering the possibility that, in the heat of the moment, and through no fault of either of yours, the signal may not be recognized. At that point, you'll have two options.

 

If you really, really don't want anything that you don't like to happen, you may have to be less subtle about it. It may be necessary to overtly, but politely, stop the proceedings, and step away to talk. I think that good people, who understand that you're new to all this, would understand. It may be, however, that the semi-anonymous, lower-bar-to-playing setting of a group playroom is not an ideal setting for you at this early stage of your swinging career.

 

Another approach to this situation is that you do your best to increase the chances of things going smoothly (including agreeing on the signals), try to be as sensitive to each other as possible, trust that neither of you would knowingly do anything to hurt the other, but in the end, agree to hold each other harmless if something should happen by mistake, in the heat of the moment, that one of you does not like. If one of you happens to miss the signal, and things go beyond the line, or if the line should suddenly move for one of you, you can talk it over later, and agree to avoid repeating the infraction next time.

 

It may be worth considering whether a more controlled environment, such as a couple-to-couple swap without the anonymous group, is a better situation in which to gain some experience and comfort. The group room will still be there after your comfort level is higher!

 

I hope this is coming across in the constructive spirit in which I mean it. Whatever you decide to,do, good luck and have fun!

[Sjmar 141]

Coupleinmd79, no worries I appreciate your feedback and wisdom! We may very well just have sex with each other in one of the playrooms (just the idea of others watching is very exciting!), but we are open to what may come. May be helpful to know that our particular boundaries are that we are just looking for girl/girl, boys keep to their own ladies, so it's not like my hubby will be on the other side of the room or something, we will be right by each other's sides all night :-)

[Sjmar 141]

Club happened last night, feel free to read about it in "first swinging experiences" thread ;-)

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Headed over there now...