How to discuss taking swinging from fantasy to reality?

[Mmmm...inNC 15]

My wife and I have been married for 23 years ( married at 19). We have an honest and wonderful relationship. Other than in bed during the heat of passion and several experiences many years ago, my wife seems to be satisfied with just the two of us. For her the idea of one or more partners seems only to be fantasized about in bed. I, on the other hand have always been interested in making it a reality though am having trouble bringing up the topic, as I am worried that a conversation about swinging could have the opposite effect and make her upset. I have been hoping she would bring up the topic. Can anyone relate their story of how swinging became a topic of discussion within the couple and especially if the other partner was playing it cool? I have been checking online for ideas and answers and possibly support for my interests, do you think this is unethical without discussing with her first?

 

Mmmm?

[invictus 45]

Nothing "unethical" about doing research, but definitly wrong to proceed unless both of you want to do so.

 

We were approached by another couple which brought up the topic to us for the first time. It was a couple of years later before we actually did anything. One of the reoccuring conversations in that time period was when we would occasionally watch a XXX video. Both of us would say "what do you think of that?" or "Do you like that?" or "Would you like that?".

 

Might be an ice breaker to a real conversation.....

[watcherone 15]

I will probably catch alot of flak for how I got into mfm swinging but it worked for us. After being married for 25 years, i knew from past conversations with my wife that she was curios about how it would feel being with another man. She had shown an interest in a couple of our male friends, so one night when one of them visited overnight, I just asked her if she wanted to go into his room and jump into bed with him. She first thought I was kidding but after she saw I was serious, she got up the nerve and did it. I guess I pushed her into it but I knew she wanted to but was just scared to try. After that first time, she had no trouble just saying what she felt towards a guy and the rest just came natural. She never once regretted doing it and we have had many great threesomes since.

[Stratecpl 19]

Watcherone,

 

You certainly won't catch any flak from me...it sounds like it was very exciting. I think we all agree that communicating with our spouse is the number one most important part of starting something like this. That excitement and intensity is very difficult to imagine if you've never done it!

 

Mmmm...inNC,

 

I am the one who initially brought it up here in our situation. We would be in the middle of some hot sex together and I'd ask her what she would think if someone else was watching. After awhile, I began to ask her how she would feel if some other man was doing her with me helping. Of course there was lots of disbelief for awhile, but after months of this, she asked me if I was serious. Well, of course I was or I wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place...

 

Just so happens I had some good friends I hadn't seen in a long time, and figured they might want to give it a go. We began to correspond with them, and I boldly asked if they might be interested in playing. They promptly bought round-trip airline tickets and flew up for several days! At first we were a bit hesitant, but once things got to moving it was the absolute hottest 3 days we ever spent!!!

 

Since then, there's been no turning back. We always discuss everything together, whether it's a fear or a whim. The sex together just gets better and better, all the time, too. And we have no regrets whatsoever. Hope this helps!!

 

Ron, Husband of Stratecpl

[jimcat 15]

Originally posted by Mmmm...inNC:

[QB] the idea of one or more partners seems only to be fantasized about in bed. I, on the other hand have always been interested in making it a reality though am having trouble bringing up the topic, as I am worried that a conversation about swinging could have the opposite effect and make her upset. I have been hoping she would bring up the topic. Can anyone relate their story of how swinging became a topic of discussion within the couple and especially if the other partner was playing it cool?

 

mmm inNC

I fantasized about swapping for 5 yrs or more before I got up the nerve to talk to my wife. We had been married 20+ years also and although the sex had always been great it was becoming routine. It was another 6 months before she agreed to try a swingers club and another 18 months before she agreed to anything beyond soft swinging. It continues to be exciting as we explore new and different sexual partners. I find it very liberating as I can now be completely honest to her about my feelings- I think we guys are many times of the opinion if we reveal what we really want no woman could possibly be interested. I just decided that total honesty was the only way to do it right.I would parallel the experience of when all wives ask "do you find her attractive"? I would say in the past no.Later on I started saying yes. Now I say yes I would like to swing with her but your attractive too and the one I love.

 

Its not when or where but how you tell her.

Be sure to let her know that sex and love are too seperate issues for you and you can keep the two in perspective.

[Mmmm...inNC 15]

Invictus ? Yes, it seems apropo to check in on her feelings on the subject while watching a movie and the watching part turns her on. I have tried hints at this time she just hasn't bitten at these "opportunities" I had a few emails with someone who swings with the same type of questions and was advised that I should discuss it while not involved in sexual activities, I may have taken that too literal. I appreciate the reinforcement to not do anything on my own. I have a difficult time imagining not including her and in fact would like to just watch her get pleasure if nothing else.

 

Jimcat - I agree with you: that can sex being different than love, my wife once replied in disbelief of the idea.

 

Other posts - sound encouraging, I am looking forward to the next step.

 

thanks!

 

Mmmm...

[LIZA 20]

Mmmmm-

 

It's probably not unethical to discuss swinging behind her back. But it is pretty pointless to go very far with your investigations until you determine if she is going to want to participate or not!

 

I know I say this over and over, but if you have known the woman 20 years, cant you just ask her??

[Mmmm...inNC 15]

Liza,

She has been my best friend and confidant for 25 years, and I feel like the idea of swinging is so different from how we are involved with people now and that it is a dramatic change. Also I guess I may be dealing with my ideas about her perception of the lack of social acceptability of swinging. I can only imagine that if we participate we will want to keep it a ?closet thing?.

 

Mmmm?

[Alura 2,775]

Hey, Liza!

 

We tried to answer your e-mail but it came back with a notation that your box is full. How'd they know that? No wonder you're not reading your e-mail!

 

Alura

[Mmmm...inNC 15]

Liza,

Would you tell me about your initiation to the idea of swinging?

[Alura 2,775]

Hey, Mmmm,

 

This is always a difficult question and it gets asked a lot. We never want to upset our spouse and always think they might "get the wrong idea" or be hurt just by the fact that we asked the question. That's always a chance you'll have to take, especially when it's a question y'all have never discussed before. So you have to make the decision of whether or not to ask. Is it likely she'll divorce you just because you asked? Probably not, after twenty years.

 

Here's what we suggest: Sometime when it is quiet, the kids are out of the house, and maybe y'all are cuddling on the couch, say, "Tell me, Darling, How do you feel about swinging?"

 

If she says, "I've heard some couples do that," you'll know she's at least thought about it and is willing to talk.

 

If she says, "Oh, it's a lot of fun! Do you remember when we used to take the kids to the park when they were young?" you may have to say, "No, I've heard there are couples who switch partners with other couples and have sex, just for fun. You remember? Like in college? When we were hippies? It wasn't making love, it was just sex for fun. What do you think of couples who do that"

 

Anyway, you get the idea... The only way to ask is to ask, but don't ask a "yes" or "no" question. Ask for an opinion she'll have to think about and discuss. If she gets really pissed, have forty bucks or so ready for a dozen roses the next day.

 

But don't be surprized if she brings the subject up the next time.

 

Alura

[Mmmm...inNC 15]

Alura,

The "don't ask a yes or no question" is a gem, thanks!

[LIZA 20]

Alura-

 

Some idiot sent me 711 letters yesterday telling me how I could make $3000 a month working from home! So I just deleted them all.

 

Hmmm.......my initiation in swinging. Well when I was married to my first husband I had 2 girlfriends who were both part of swinging couples. They told me a lot about their experiences and it always sounded very interesting to me. BUT my first husband was not the right person to try it with and I never even brought it up. I think with him it would have been a bad experience.

So after we were divorced and I started dating Matt we discussed a LOT of different sexual things....I mean we covered almost every possible scenario and desire in about a month's time. Swing clubs were something that intrigued us both, so I started doing a lot of investigating and found the ones in So. Cal. and about 6 monthes later we tried one. First time (first 4 or 5 times!) were ok, there was jealousy, I was nervous, I felt fat, etc etc. But it got easier and more fun. Now I hate to say it but it's almost ho-hum, look honey, more sex!

 

I guess because my relationship was so open so early on about sex it is just hard for me to grasp how a couple can be married 20+ years and not know each other well enough to know the others view on just about every subject under the sun!

[lookin-4-sum 15]

how we got started was, one day we were watching a adult movie that had a swinging scene in it, we both talked about how much fn it looked and if we could watch each other with somebody different, well after months of talking about it, we had a ffm threesome it was great for everybody and we just slowly worked our way up from there/

but like i said we talked to each other about it alot/ you have got to be able to sit down and talk about things to make this work,

[Mmmm...inNC 15]

Liza, There are some things that have been left out of my initial post for the sake of being concise, however as the dialogue and especially yours questioning 20 years of being open and honest are brought up, so have my thoughts on some of the experiences we did share and why the swinging aspect did not move forward before ( I had mentioned that there was some experience with more than the two of us, small as it may be). You are right twenty years of a good relationship should allow for this to be an easy discussion. My problem has been that I do want to be sucessful and have not developed much tactfulness for asking the big question, you guys are helping me on that.

 

Thanks again everyone, I believe the board has been successful in answering my questions. I like what I see here at the Swingers Board, and hope that I can contribute sometime.

 

Mmmm...

[AshNFiona 15]

We'd been married for 20 years when we first swung. I had talked about it in fantasy during sex for several years, about how I would like it if we had a 4-some with a couple that we know well. It was always just a fantasy. Then one day my wife (Fiona) mentioned it to the other woman (Bev) as a joke. Bev mentioned it to her hubby (Mal) as a joke, but he got serious about it and kept on at Bev to approach Fiona seriously. Well, when she did and Fiona told me about it I had an instant hard-on. The four of us then talked about it and agreed to give it a try.

 

So we got together with no fixed plans but just to see how it developed. The biggest hurdle was getting naked in front of each other. Once we got over that, I sat with Bev, and Mal with Fi, and after some initial embarrassment, we had a same room swap session. It was the first time any of the four of us had had sex with someone other than the spouse. That was 3 years ago. Since then we have swung regularly with Mal and Bev, and on two occasions with a third couple joining us.

 

When Fiona and I look at each other getting pleasured by someone else, we feel so happy at our spouse's enjoyment and at how strong our love for each other is.

[Mmmm...inNC 15]

PCouple - that sounds so uncomplicated! I was reading a post by Stratecoupl in the General Swingers "Taking a break" board that made me think I should rethink my interest. I do think a natural friendship amongst friends is great!

[Mmmm...inNC 15]

PCouple my last post did not make a lot sense, what I was trying to say was Stratecoupl post about some of the difficulties of swinging was a downer for me. Your experience with the friends and the attraction seems natural and a best case scenario and encouraging.

 

Mmmm....

[Alura 2,775]

PCouple - that sounds so uncomplicated! I was reading a post by Stratecoupl in the General Swingers "Taking a break" board that made me think I should rethink my interest. I do think a natural friendship amongst friends is great!

 

That's the only way it has ever worked for us. We've never "connected" with anyone on the internet.

[Mmmm...inNC 15]

Alura, How & where have you found your partners?

[Alura 2,775]

Hmmmmm, Mmmmmm,

 

We haven't had all that many. In twenty years of marriage (legally), we've played with five couples. Two have been ongoing, lasting years, one was interrupted by Desert Storm and two were ended after the first experience as "wish we hadn't done that!" It's interesting that the two we consider "mistakes" happened when we were searching for playmates.

 

The three relationships that lasted "just happened." We met one couple at the ballet and one at a school function, but we probably would never have spoken to the couple at the ballet if both couples hadn't seemed familiar to the other. We're sure we'd at least seen each other somewhere before but can't determine where or when. Mr. Alura has known the husband of the third couple since before he met Mrs. Alura and still considers him one of his best friends.

 

Except for the couple we met at a Swingers' Picnic, the others were met in everyday life.

 

Sorry to be evasive but we are still "in the closet" with our hobby. If we gave too many details, it may well "blow our cover." We've talked about writing some stories but we would have to change the names to protect the guilty (us). Would that be alright, Julie?

 

Alura

[jimcat 15]

Originally posted by Mmmm...inNC:

PCouple - that sounds so uncomplicated! I was reading a post by Stratecoupl in the General Swingers "Taking a break" board that made me think I should rethink my interest.

 

Mmmm...

 

My wife and I took completely the opposite approach to swinging then Stratecoupl. We avoid the internet completely. We don't chat, don't advertise, don't e-mail. We just feel that their is entirely too much misrepresentation by couples and singles.We feel the best approach is a swingers club where you can make an "upfront" assessment of the people your considering playing with.This approach has definitely worked for us. With our jobs and family we don't have the time otherwise--- the swingers club route is very efficient. We've meet many people and from this can match up with the desired personality and sexual appeal. I really can't fathom people that spend countless hours on the internet other than people who don't have access to a club. Just a suggestion on how not to get frustrated before you get even get started.

[Mmmm...inNC 15]

Soooo shot down... I had my open discussion with my wife last night about including someone else in bed and was told that the fantasy was fine but the reality would not.

[danc694u 19]

Well at the very least, the door has been opened. It may come up again in the future. But for now, you've done all that you can do.

 

Just don't spend a lot of time dwelling on the fact she refused. Who knows, after thinking about it awhile, she may bring it back up.

 

You've opened the door. Now all you need to do is allow her to walk through it, at her own pace, if she ever does. There are some people that need a bit of a shove (and some folks here will agree). But, I for one disagree with that tactic.

[Mmmm...inNC 15]

Thanks!

 

Our marriage is a good one, for that I am a lucky guy.

 

Mmmm...

[Flori_DAMAN 26]

I read on an MSN "spice up your sex life" column that most people have fantasies about having sex with strangers, especially women. They suggested playing games. For instance, pretending you are a repair man coming to fix the furnace and seducing the repairman. Of course there can be many such fantasies that could be a blast and if you assure it is strictly fantasy and you totally respect her wishes to not take it beyond fantasy it may be a terrific method of spicing things up in a non-threatening way. Just a suggestion, john.

 

Ya just gotta have a lil fun now n then

[Mmmm...inNC 15]

John, I like creative solutions! Yours is a good idea and in fact I have had an idea about visiting her hotel room when she is out of town on business as a secret lover.

 

Mmmm...

[jimcat 15]

Originally posted by Mmmm...inNC:

Soooo shot down... I had my open discussion with my wife last night about including someone else in bed and was told that the fantasy was fine but the reality would not.

 

Why not ask her if she'd watch other couples or the two of you could just be with each other in an open room at at a swingers club.

 

That's how we got started. I don't think my wife would have done an immediate swap before taking this step first. Once we took this first step she got to observe other couples reactions first hand.Now each time we go the rules get more relaxed. Be sure to tell her that her going is not a future commitment to anything; just expanding your horizons.

[Mmmm...inNC 15]

Jimcat,

I saw your earlier post and believe a club is the best idea. This would get us a lot closer to the experience and have lower risk. We have numerous clubs in the area. I am ready and hoping she will be so I can suggest the idea. My latest discussion with her suggested she is not even entertaining the idea.

 

Mmmm...

[Mmmm...inNC 15]

Innermost desires? I had posted on the BB about Fantasy / Reality in the quest for learning more about the difference between what I had been thinking and what my wife was interested in. I am now wondering if anyone can now relate experiences about:

 

1. when they themselves (wife) says no, but later acknowleges they were really wishing they could say yes to other sex partners

 

2. what it was that prevented them from saying yes and what it took for them to tell the truth about their innermost desires.

 

Mmmm...

[pumperswife 15]

Hey there Mmmmm...

From the wifes point of view. A little backgound first...when my husband and I got together we discussed a lot of general do's and don't's(sp)just normal stuff; how do you hang the tp, which end do you squeeze the toothpaste..etc,etc...During one of our discussions he told me his ultimate fantasy is to be with more than 1 woman. (cool, just a fantasy and fantasies rarely come true, that's why they're fantasies.) When I committed myself to him I racked my brain trying to figure out how to make his ultimate fantasy come true. Being totally sexually naive I hadn't a clue. Over the first 9 years of marriage I would ponder this on my own. I love him want to do everything possible for him including this but damnitt he's mine, how can I do this? On our 9th anniversary I decide I've got to find a way to fullfill this or try. I brought the subject up to him and I think I blew him away. He never expected anything like this to come out of his wife's mouth. It took us a year of researching and deep discussion between the 2 of us and we finally made it to a local swingers club in our town. We decided we would start slow. I had a fantasy of having sex in the same room as a whole bunch of other people all doing the same thing. So we started there (step 1), we then gradually started interacting with other couples but just the women playing together and the husbands taking care of their own wives (step 2). We've been in this lifestyle for 2 years now and we still haven't done the FULL swap, but we're closer. There's been oral swapping (right term?) or I guess soft swing. He was wanting to see me with another man just to see if we would like that type of thing, and we've finally done that. He (my husband was great)and enjoyed himself until I told him I was done as in I didn't care for it. He has no problem with me and someone else; but I've decided the only man I want is him. The occasional woman in the mix is great too, even though he still hasn't had any penetration with another woman. He says it's ok though 'cause his fantasy has changed over the years...lol...now he loves nothing more than seeing me down on one of our female friends.

I guess what I was trying to say through all this length was take it in baby steps, you don't have to jump in with both feet and blindfolded.

Take care and good luck!

[Mmmm...inNC 15]

Pumperswife, thanks for the input!

Before we were married, I had an occasion in which her girlfriend climbed into bed with us and my wife seemed to enjoy it, I definitely did! She never made a big deal about it and latter told me she had not planned this with the girlfriend. I did figure there would be more of this in our future.

 

Several years latter the same girlfriend was married to a mutual friend of theirs and was visiting our home from out of state. During their visit I encouraged her to join them in bed, which she did. She returned not long after saying that her girlfriend had been sleeping at the time but woke up and through water on both herself and the husband. This seemed to be pretty much the end of the story, we all remained friends but never spoke of the incident.

 

I have made some consistant attempts over the yeasr, in which I told her that I would like like to share her. These comments did not receive much reply, though there was a time when she appeared to be working on it with some guy she was attracted to.

 

Patience is a virtue and after 23 years of marriage and I'm still trying to figure out what she is thinking. I have not had any sexual relationships outside of ours and can not think of anything that I have done that would make her not want to talk. After reading the posts, I have started to feel awkward in the fact that I claim a good and honest relationship.

 

 

Mmmm...

[JandRa 15]

Hi there

 

We are from London, England, and have just started. We have met a couple of different couples and joined two clubs.

 

I, the male, got started by suggesting to my wife that it would really be cool if there were two of me, so that if I was doing one thing but had to stop to do something else, then there could be two of me doing both and how much fun that would be.

 

If people were staying, just friends, then we would make love and I would as I changed from one thing to another that I was sure the other guy was looking at her, or making suggestions and was sure he fancied her.

 

You have to be slow and careful and I agree with the other posters who say you have to understand and get your partner to talk about their fantasies.

 

Just arrived on the board, so hi to all and looks a really nice place.

 

Cheers Ra and J

[Mmmm...inNC 15]

RA & J

Thanks for the encouragement. After my last discussion with the wife, I am having a hard time imagining she will ever want to swing. I have learned a lot from reading posts at the Swinger?s Board and it helps me feel normal being able to read posts from other people with the same interest. Thanks to everyone who has shared their stories and advice.

 

Mmmm...