Safety concerns during separate, open or separate room play

[intuition897 2,179]

So what is everyone's take on safety when playing away from your partner? The topic of safety was brought up in the Do you prefer same or separate rooms when playing, and why? thread, and I thought it deserved a thread of its own.

 

As I mentioned in my reply, I don't think I've ever really been worried about my safety. Mr. intuition and I don't play separately - as in, we don't go on separate playdates. We always play together; we have not yet explored the separate-play option, as I'm not sure it's our thing. So because we are always on the same premises with one another while play is going on, I have never really felt myself to be in danger. The assholes who would do me harm are weeded out long before anyone gets beyond the bedroom door anyway.

 

We have never attended a house party of any size, nor have we played at clubs. I suppose this does bring with it added concerns due to the size of the venue and that you don't know everyone there.

 

I'm not that concerned with Mr. intuition's safety, because he's a pretty big guy and can take care of himself. Although I have heard some horror stories about psycho couples who have drugged the husband to "get him out of the way" so they could have their way with his Rohypnol-loaded wife. Yes, I guess that does concern me a little. But just like anything in life, trust is one thing, but that doesn't mean you should ignore obvious warning signs. Awareness is part of being responsible.

 

As for myself, I'm not that worried either, even if somebody did try getting a little pushy with me. I'm not exactly petite, and if you think you're going to try some alpha male bullshit with me, buddy, you'll get the fuck off me if you value you nutsack. Because God help you if I get a hold of that thing.

 

I've never been sexually assaulted, so I find this deep-seated rage confusing. I don't know where it comes from, but the idea of someone trying to take liberties with my person without my say so - just because they think they can get away with it - makes me afraid...for them. I'm quite serious. I am not naturally a violent person, so I'm actually very disturbed by the unholy desire I have to do bodily harm to assholes like this. I've never really been afraid for my own safety; just for theirs.

 

What are your safety concerns? Have you had any bad experiences in this?

[Chris&Suzanne 204]

No help here, but that is one reason we don't play alone.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Some of our earliest experiences were separate room, but in the same building. Leading up to that, we have paired up in separate vehicles too, like driving from a restaurant to a house. I'll admit the thought has entered my mind that caution is needed there, but I figure that deal evens out...one of us is with them, and one of them is with us so that kind of evens things out. The main thing is what Intuition said though, if we got even the slightest tiniest whiff of there might be something about either one of you that we don't like, even if it isn't anything nefarious at all, then playing is out of the question so it becomes a moot point.

 

The clubs we go to we don't worry about; a very controlled environment, probably the safest place to swing there is in terms of the risk of anything truly bad happening.

 

We do play alone, but only with very close friends with whom we have a lasting relationship.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

... I'm not exactly petite, and if you think you're going to try some alpha male bullshit with me, buddy, you'll get the fuck off me if you value you nutsack. Because God help you if I get a hold of that thing.

...

I don't know where it comes from, but the idea of someone trying to take liberties with my person without my say so - just because they think they can get away with it - makes me afraid...for them. I'm quite serious. I am not naturally a violent person, so I'm actually very disturbed by the unholy desire I have to do bodily harm to assholes like this. I've never really been afraid for my own safety; just for theirs.

Remind me to stay on your good side!!

 

As for us, we have not felt unsafe at any point in our time in the lifestyle so far. The Mrs. is a formidable woman (I'm talking more about her "take no actual bullshit" attitude), who I think can take care of things pretty well if the need should arise! And I think we get to know people well enough before we play in separate rooms that we're not concerned that they will try to cause harm, or fail to take no for an answer.

[intuition897 2,179]

Remind me to stay on your good side!!

 

As for us, we have not felt unsafe at any point in our time in the lifestyle so far. The Mrs. is a formidable woman (I'm talking more about her "take no actual bullshit" attitude), who I think can take care of things pretty well if the need should arise! And I think we get to know people well enough before we play in separate rooms that we're not concerned that they will try to cause harm, or fail to take no for an answer.

 

I've never actually "gone there", but I just recognize that I have the capacity to lose it on someone if I need to. Let's just say I don't have a stitch of submissiveness in me. At least not outside of Mr. intuition's influence.

 

The "take no bullshit" attitude is one of the key things I've found about women in the lifestyle. It's a great equalizer of the sexes; men have to learn how to be softer and more at ease with their vulnerabilities, admitting when something is emotionally painful, or recognizing that they might be the ones who put more stock in monogamy than they thought. Women, on the other hand, learn that they can't play the coy little head games anymore, can't pout when someone didn't read their mind, and can't blame anybody but themselves if they didn't speak up if they weren't okay with something. Both halves are equally invested in it, and neither person's feelings or needs are greater than the other's. This is why I laugh when I hear the BS myths about how women are "exploited" and dragged into such a degrading thing by their sex-addicted husbands. Pft. Please.

[econobiker 165]

Maintaining a situational awareness about what is going on with and around you and your partner begins before you even pair off with a swing partner. This could be as simple as making sure some drink glasses much close to the edge of an often bumped table are put into the sink instead of crashing down on a tile floor leaving glass shards for barefoot swingers to get cut on to making sure that your partner is safe in the throes of orgasm by not allowing any of the voyeurs to participate in the scene with her and her chosen swing partner.

[adamgunn 1,460]

My ex-wife would sometimes play alone with men we would meet on SLS or at clubs or house parties. Yes, safety was a primary concern.

 

First, we (usually) or she would have a vanilla date in a public place where we got to know the guy. If he seemed sane, then there didn't seem a problem. If either of us felt uneasy, she (we) would decide not to meet with him again. A couple of times, I felt less sure about him than she did and after some discussion, she always accepted my veto.

 

More often than not the first playdate included me, either watching or participating. In that case, if she was still interested I'd allow her to play with him alone if she wanted to.

 

Once or twice when I was out of town she'd have the first playdate by herself.

 

It never bothered us where they played. It could be at our house, at his house or a hotel.

 

In all cases, she was required to let me know where she was physically, and what they were doing. We never had a problem with her personal safety.

[asncpl 729]

As a rule we don't play separately unless we have already been with that couple or person together so that alleviates some of the concern. As for safety, I would text or phone my husband after I've met up with my date to let him know I'm ok and I don't leave our pre-arranged location like the hotel room. I am petite so I have to rely on my pepper spray which I carry everywhere, not just on play date, but I haven't had to use it yet.

[Sophy 569]

We do separate rooms play but always same house, I do not go out with men.

I have had so many opportunities to engage with single men and couples by my own but my safety is a main concern for both of us