How to get my wife to stop?

[alextoro 18]

I'm 26 been married to my high school sweetheart since we both turned 18 and been together since freshman year. We have a 5 year old daughter together and live in an apartment. A year ago she met some friends who were into this swinging lifestyle. She wanted to try it and I didn't because it's disgusting the idea of betraying my wife with another women. She kept hounding me so I decided to do it on a one time basis. We met a couple and my plan was to let her go in the one room and have sex with the dude to get it out of her system. I would go to the other and not do anything with the guy's wife. The guy's wife got really upset and ran into my wife and her husband's room and they had threesome. Afterward my wife was very angry at me even though I was the one who didn't cheat. She still wants to do this and it just kills me. I don't want to put our daughter through the pain of divorce like what happened to me. I've started drinking again. I actually got into a fight with the other guy weeks later because I was so angry he touched my wife. We both went to jail and now I have to take 26 anger management classes on a diversion program. I'm so depressed because I remember when me and my wife were the best of friends. We never really liked sex that much but I loved preforming oral on her and pleasuring her for hours. Now she won't even let me touch her or sleep in same bed. It seems like if I don't swing with her she will leave me. She said she blames me for "stealing her youth" because she married "too young" but she genuinely loved me and said yes when I proposed to her when we were 17. I miss how we were a team and the best of friends. What do I need to do to get her to stop wanting to cheat? Is it basically the reason people want to swing because their partner isn't good enough in bed? I've always been the type of lover that puts her needs first. But I can't do this because it's so painful to think of her with another man and because I love her so much I feel guilty for even admiring another women's beauty.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Where to even start...

 

First, welcome and I'm so very sorry that you've had this experience.

 

Second, to take your questions in reverse order...

 

Is it basically the reason people want to swing because their partner isn't good enough in bed?

 

No, that isn't why people swing. I don't think it's even why people cheat.

 

What do I need to do to get her to stop wanting to cheat?

 

I wish I had an easy answer for you. Sadly, I only have a hard one: communicate.

 

You need to talk to her. You need to find out what is really going on with her. You need to be honest with her about how you feel and you need to really listen to how she feels and to what she wants. You need to set aside your anger, which I know will be difficult but you will never really listen to her if all you hear is your own rage. A professional marriage counselor might be able to help achieve all that, as may your anger management classes.

 

I'm afraid you may also need to accept that your relationship might be over. I'm very sorry, but I fear that is a possibility you have to face.

 

I feel for you pain. I'm sorry I can't offer more than that.

[Niknmik 161]

This isn't really a swinging issue it sounds to me but a communication issue. Also, keep in mind you're on a website with people who do regularly have sex with people who aren't their spouse, so using a word like "betraying" is very loaded. It's not a betrayal if everyone is on board. It is if someone is coerced or cheats and decides to say they were "swinging". Cheating on your spouse is not the same thing as swinging, hotwifeing/hothubbying, etc. There's a good reason why basically every single "beginners guide" to those things advises having good communication and a solid and fulfilling relationship before dipping your toes in.

 

That being said, you and your wife did that other couple pretty dirty. I would strongly, strongly advise you not to engage with other people in the lifestyle going forward no matter how much your wife pressures you. If you're not on board, that's not fair to YOU either, and you deserve better than that.

 

It sounds like you two need counseling if you want to try and save your marriage. It also sounds like your wife attempted to use swinging as a way to mend your marriage, which is never a good idea. Her saying she felt like marrying you "stole her youth" makes me think she felt like swinging as a last ditch effort to try NOT to cheat on or divorce you.

 

As far as why... as a newbie to this, no, it's not because my husband isn't "good enough". We have never been the kind of couple that was jealous of each other. Watching other women eye bang my husband through the years always had me wanting to take him home and screw his brains out, because I'm so turned on by other women finding MY husband attractive and the thought of him rocking her world like he regularly rocks mine. We both also don't tie our love to sex. Sex can be very intimate, but it can also be just a wild and fun recreational activity. I married my husband because I am in love with his soul, not the flesh it's inhabiting, fun as I may find said flesh. This is not a last ditch effort by us to not cheat, not even close. We have a child and a beautiful life together, and we thought it'd be fun to share some fantasies and realized we had this one in common and so we are exploring and enjoying that experience together. Just talking about it and planning our first club visit has led to tons of extra hot encounters. This is how our relationship has evolved. If my husband was unhappy in our marriage, I would never consent to swinging, I'd be phoning a therapist for us ASAP. Sex will not glue together a broken relationship.

 

Sorry if any of this was too harsh, I just don't think it's fair to blame swinging in this instance. I am very sorry your relationship is on the rocks and you're in such distress. Best of luck to you, your wife, and your family going forward. I sincerely hope you guys can work it out and find happiness.

 

-N

[enhancer 1,585]

Sorry to hear things are not going well for you and your wife. There is not much anyone here can do to help you make things better. It sounds like you two should consider getting some professional help. I hate to say it, but sometimes two people just might not be compatable or have the same wants in life. It took me 16 years to figure that out with my ex wife. You can't change who a person is to make them be what you want them to be. You can understand and accept who they are or choose to move on.

 

Regardless you can feel however you want about swinging! That is your right. It sounds like it is not your thing in anyway and that is okay. Doing something like this to try to save your marriage is not doing anybody any favours including you, your wife or the people you are playing with. Also to be clear people in this lifestyle that are having sex with others with their partners knowledge and approval are not cheaters in any way. In fact many people in the lifestyle have zero tolerance for cheating and will have nothing to do with people that do.

 

Good luck on your future! I hope the real lines of communication between you two open up and you can resolve the problems you are having whatever the results may be.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

What you are doing is not swinging. What she is doing is cheating. If you look around you will find that most swingers agree on several things: never 'take one for the team' (what you sort of did with that other couple), don't bring drama into another couple's life, you can't 'save' a relationship with swinging, and cheating is NOT swinging. It sounds like she has already made her choice...I don't know if you can really do ANYTHING at this point. Try and talk to her, try and get some outside help but her choices are what is causing the problem here. We wish you the best but feel very helpless (like I'm sure you already do) since there isn't much that anyone else can do...

[padoc 1,703]

She has every right to be pissed. You agreed to try swinging with NO intention of participating and then cried "betrayed" and tried the holier than thou line, "I wasn't the one who cheated". I have news for you, it is not cheating if you both agree and by your words, you did. In a weird sort of way, even though she boinked some guy, I doubt she'll ever trust your word again. Marriage AND swinging requires trust to work and you blew it on both counts. Personally, I think your marriage is over and I think your "betrayal" is largely to blame.

[alextoro 18]

She has every right to be pissed. You agreed to try swinging with NO intention of participating and then cried "betrayed" and tried the holier than thou line, "I wasn't the one who cheated". I have news for you, its not cheating if you both agree and by your words, you did. In a weird sort of way, even though she boinked some guy, I doubt she'll ever trust your word again. Marriage AND swinging requires trust to work and you blew it on both counts. Personally, I think your marriage is over and I think your "betrayal" is largely to blame.

 

Um it is betrayal because she slept with that couple. It's been so traumatic for me and causes me panic attacks and she don't care.

[alextoro 18]

I wanted to thank everyone for the constructive answers and I've decided to try and talk to her about it in depth. It's just blown me away what's happened and what makes it worse is how she treats our daughter. I think she blames me for her autism because it's hereditary and I think she's ashamed of her. She always expects me to take care of her lately while she goes out to drink with her friends. My daughter keeps asking me if "mommy still loves me" and it's just breaking my heart. I'm torn apart here and I'm concerned my drinking is getting worse I killed a Dos Equis 6 pack in 2 days. My wife has been smoking a lot more too.

[bear_n_bunny 43]

I wanted to thank everyone for the constructive answers and I've decided to try and talk to her about it in depth. It's just blown me away what's happened and what makes it worse is how she treats our daughter. I think she blames me for her autism because it's hereditary and I think she's ashamed of her. She always expects me to take care of her lately while she goes out to drink with her friends. My daughter keeps asking me if "mommy still loves me" and it's just breaking my heart. I'm torn apart here and I'm concerned my drinking is getting worse I killed a Dos Equis 6 pack in 2 days. My wife has been smoking a lot more too.

 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I'm afraid you nailed the problem you and your wife are having in your first post and I don't think you realized it. And no, it has nothing to do with swinging per se. One might say that the swinging (or her desire to swing) is a symptom rather than the cause of the problem.

 

You stated that you and your wife had been a couple since your freshman year in high school and have been married since you were 18.

 

That is the problem.

 

I'm an old man now (in my sixties) but I have seen this play out many times, going back to when I was your age and younger. What happens is a couple gets married very young (quite often they start out as a couple in high school as you did), are married for some years, have a kid or two, and after a time the marriage falls apart. Rather surprisingly, it is more likely the woman that goes off on a tangent in these case, not the man. Go figure.

 

As I said before, this is not about swinging as such. It is about your wife wanting to sow her wild oats, the wild oats she wanted to sow back when you were in high school, her late teen years and the like. She never got to, but by God she's going to now, come hell or high water. She is going to get that strange cock she always secretly wanted, whether you like it or not.

 

And no, I'm not saying this is your fault. If there is any blame to be apportioned here, she is just as guilty as you are. After all, no one held a gun to her head and made her become your main squeeze back when you were 14 or 15, or marry you when you two were 18. But sadly, it is what it is. She "wasted her youth", blah, blah, blah, back then and that is why all this is happening. Lost count of how many times I heard like this back in the day.

 

Unfortunately the odds are against you in this case. And what is this "We never liked sex that much" crap? That raises all sort of red flags right there. She seems to like sex just fine, just not with you, and that is an issue that needs to be addressed and pretty damned quick.

 

At this point, the only thing I can suggest is that, if you can, you and her get to a good marriage counselor and try to work all this out, your marriage, your sex life, this urge to play she has and why she has it, all of it.

 

Otherwise you will end up in divorce court and in short order.

 

Cave Bear

[Lionheart72 2,190]

I wanted to thank everyone for the constructive answers and I've decided to try and talk to her about it in depth. It's just blown me away what's happened and what makes it worse is how she treats our daughter. I think she blames me for her autism because it's hereditary and I think she's ashamed of her. She always expects me to take care of her lately while she goes out to drink with her friends. My daughter keeps asking me if "mommy still loves me" and it's just breaking my heart. I'm torn apart here and I'm concerned my drinking is getting worse I killed a Dos Equis 6 pack in 2 days. My wife has been smoking a lot more too.

 

Again, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I think you know that you have serious marital problems, and a child with special needs. You need help and unfortunately it's not the kind of help that strangers on the internet can give beyond a direct wake up call.

 

You need to deal with your anger issues and you alcohol problem, Right Now. You need to take care of your child, Right Now. I recommend seeking personal counseling for dealing with your emotional issues. Reach out to whatever support network you have - family, friends, even state agencies or church groups in your area to help you care for your child.

 

As for your wife... she is clearly going in her own direction and that direction appears to be away from you and from her child. I fear my personal feelings would color any responses I might have in regards to her. So I will simply reiterate my recommendation that you seek help and counseling. If she decides not to participate... I believe your focus should be on the well-being of your child and yourself.

 

I hope things get better for you.

[Niknmik 161]

It's not a betrayal if you guys agreed to it. I'm sorry that you felt pressured into it and that was undoubtedly crappy of her, but betrayal would be my husband going to a strip club when we had agreed he wouldn't, not me saying "Sure and I'll come too!" so we go and watch some hot women doing pole tricks. Say what you mean and mean what you say in your relationship.

 

I'm really sorry you guys are struggling with having a non-neurotypical child. Our son is non-NT and the thing is when you have a baby, you don't get to sign up and fill out a form for the exact kid you get. I get that it can wear on a couple because it does require more work. A lot of my days consist of making sure my son gets his sensory diet and shuttling him to see OTs and Speech therapists and specialized playgroups. But you do what you need to do and you don't pitch a fit because as hard as it may be for you, it's harder for your child who has to find a place in a world that isn't "for" them. The fact that your child is picking up on your wife's resentment of her and questioning her love is alarming. Not to be preachy but you should be focusing on that before anything else. -N

[Lionheart72 2,190]

It's not a betrayal if you guys agreed to it. I'm sorry that you felt pressured into it and that was undoubtedly crappy of her, but betrayal would be my husband going to a strip club when we had agreed he wouldn't, not me saying "Sure and I'll come too!" so we go and watch some hot women doing pole tricks. Say what you mean and mean what you say in your relationship.

 

I hate to veer off topic, but I don't think we should undervalue just how unacceptable pressuring your partner into swinging is. You'll find tons of threads on these forums from (mostly) men asking how to "convince" their reluctant partners to swing. The answers are almost universally: "don't."

 

It is my feeling that coercing someone into swinging is a betrayal... a betrayal of the trust and honestly essential for a healthy swinging relationship. I would agree that alextoro also failed by agreeing to swing when, in fact, he was not at all OK with it... but how many women have been pressured into swinging by husbands or boyfriends. We do not blame them for being hurt and angry afterward. Nor should we blame him.

[TXTwo 11]

Don't know why, but I smell a

[Niknmik 161]

I hate to veer off topic, but I don't think we should undervalue just how unacceptable pressuring your partner into swinging is. You'll find tons of threads on these forums from (mostly) men asking how to "convince" their reluctant partners to swing. The answers are almost universally: "don't."

 

It is my feeling that coercing someone into swinging is a betrayal... a betrayal of the trust and honestly essential for a healthy swinging relationship. I would agree that alextoro also failed by agreeing to swing when, in fact, he was not at all OK with it... but how many women have been pressured into swinging by husbands or boyfriends. We do not blame them for being hurt and angry afterward. Nor should we blame him.

 

I do agree with your sentiment of anti-coercion completely. You shouldn't pressure your partner into ANYTHING. Coercion has no part of a healthy relationship, IMO.

 

It makes me incredibly sad to read about stuff like this because I certainly have kinks my husband doesn't but put aside or indulge on my own because he doesn't share them. I would give the same advice to a female victim of pressuring that I gave here. Get marital counseling and stop agreeing to swing. I'm not willing to say though that agreeing to acts of non-monogamy are only "not betrayals" if agreed to under certain conditions. What OP's wife did to him is unacceptable and terrible, as well as her abuse of him for reacting poorly after finally agreeing to what she wanted, but her sleeping with that guy was not a betrayal. Her bullying her husband and not caring about his feelings? Certainly. But the sexual act itself? No, that was a very unfortunate outcome. OP is misguided by fixating on his wife and "the other man", rather than the fact that his wife betrayed his love and trust by pushing him to that situation in the first place. In the mean time, their drama has likely deeply hurt another couple and possibly exposed them to the court system. For that, I hold OP and his spouse equally responsible. -N

[Niknmik 161]

Don't know why, but I smell a

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I want to believe, haha

[cplnuswing 4,713]

There is lots of great advice above, so I'll just add one thing - this situation is yet again a demonstration that swinging is a magnifier. If there are issues, it will find them and magnify them to the point they cannot be ignored any longer. If there is any silver lining to this cloud is these issues weren't going anywhere, they were just waiting for the day when the cracks would suddenly open up into a chasm. At least now things have been brought into the open. Some or all of the issues might not be solvable, but you certainly can't fix what you don't even know exists.

[kikonkrome 844]

Don't know why, but I smell a

[ATTACH=CONFIG]6911[/ATTACH]

 

Honestly I thought this, but most of the story reflects some pretty standard cultural norms.

 

Yeah it's interesting people's reactions when it's a guy that doesn't want to do it, and a woman that does.

 

@Alextoro...no really going to argue with you about whether it's cheating or not, but it is looking like your relationship with your wife is radically changing whether you like it or not. Perhaps it would be worth your time to see a professional therapist about how best to cope. Good Luck Buddy.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

I agree with those who have recommended that you two seek the services of a professional marriage counselor. It sounds like your relationship is, at worst, in crisis. But if I'm wrong, if I'm drastically misreading things, I still think you two need a marriage counselor, if only to help you two to sort through and reconcile what appears to be vastly, fundamentally different views on the subject of non-monogamy.

 

We can offer you the benefit of some free advice from friends, but I really think we are not qualified to offer the kind of guidance that you two need. Professional counseling may be needed in order to save your marriage.

 

Good luck to you!

[kikonkrome 844]

The ratio of males to females with autism is also five to one.

 

That's interesting I was never aware of this fact.

 

If it is real, then you need a counselor to help both of you in partnership to work with your daughter's autism and secondly a marriage counselor to re-assemble your marriage.

 

I guess we get so over run with guys looking to try the lifestyle that it is hard for us to believe that there are guys out there with no interest. I can absolutely guarantee, however, that there are men out there that have absolutely no desire to 'share' their wives, or frankly be in an open relationship in any way shape or form. I have had at least two conversations in this regard with long term married men. I will admit to personaly getting a bit jaded about this when you are in the lifestyle and there are so many men that are interested.

[EastInWest 1,524]

Um it is betrayal because she slept with that couple. It's been so traumatic for me and causes me panic attacks and she don't care.

 

The fact that she doesn't care is a major warning sign, but I see why the word "betrayal" is raising alarms. You signed on for this, then got mad at her, and worse, took it out on the guy, who was also trusting your judgment. She didn't lie to you, did she? Did she trick you? Or did you do something that you now regret and you're acting out against others?

 

There's so much going on here that it feels like we're probably not getting the full picture, but one thing is obvious: you both need to put down the shovels and stop digging. To various degrees, you're both blaming each other for your own decisions, and that's a dysfunctional thought process that's not going to get either of you anywhere good. You need marriage counseling.

 

There's also the question of whether or not your wife is acting in good faith here, which is a separate issue that should be taken seriously. I'm sorry to say that it sounds like she's quite possibly on her way out the door, but I don't know either of you and don't have all the facts. What I'm hearing is that the key issues for her are that she feels she made a mistake, resents your daughter, wants to have sex with other people, and puts being out with her friends above the needs at home. If that's how she really feels and is going to feel, what's going to happen next? Are you planning to live that way indefinitely? Will you be able to make that non-toxic for yourself and your daughter? You should really consider sitting down with a divorce/family lawyer to make plans to play defensively if you suddenly find yourself needing to protect the interests of yourself and your daughter. This may not be a mutual decision, there's a very real possibility that you'll just come home to an empty house one day and find out you're getting divorced whether you wanted to or not. It's very possible that she's already decided how this is going to end without including you in the conversation.

 

While it's not pretty, you are well within your rights to hope for - and work for - the best while preparing for the worst. You will also prove smarter than most if you get out ahead of it and start being proactive. Pretending that it won't happen because you don't want it to happen will not stop it from happening, it'll just leave you as the bagholder when it all goes down.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Well, I think we have a troll here as well.

 

I tend to start from the position that any question deserves an honest answer. In this case, by my reading of the original post at face value, we have a guy who is in a bad situation, is pissed off and has come to a swingers forum to find out why we are such terrible people and have ruined his life. I think that by treating him with sympathy, respect and honesty, we've shown that swingers aren't necessarily terrible people who are trying to ruin his life, but rather decent, caring individuals who took the time to look past his anger and tried to help. He'll never be a swinger. It's obviously not the right choice for him, as it isn't for many - probably most - people. But maybe, next time he hears about swingers, he will remember that some of us were kind to him during a difficult time and think well of us. As will anyone else who happens across this thread.

 

In that way, we change attitudes towards the lifestyle... but more importantly, in that way, maybe we help a person in pain. What could be more important?

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time. I hope that you and your wife can find a counselor to help you communicate and mend your relationship, and I hope you can find more support for your daughter.

 

Speaking as a parent of special needs children, it is exhausting and soul crushing to be their parent at times. For me, swinging made a huge difference in my life and being able to handle the challenges of being a mom. It has been so good for my self-image and our sex life. We were also each others one and only before swinging. One of my favorite things swinging gave me is the feeling of freedom and autonomy at a time when I felt so overwhelmed as a parent and wife. Over time, the community I've found in swinging has become a real support system for my family.

 

That is my experience and perhaps what your wife is looking for is self-validation and freedom.

 

You have a right to your feelings, but I would suggest you try to see the betrayal in another light. It was something you grudgingly tried and it didn't work for you. It's probably not for you, but maybe you can use the experience to get to know each other better, really learn what you both want from this life. You need to put aside the feeling of betrayal and move forward. She can't take it back, she can't stop wanting it. She can be honest, you can be honest, you can move forward together.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

First, I always assume that anyone asking a question is sincere and in need of help (and in this case I believe he is). Even if they are 'less than sincere', what does it matter...someone may still gather help from it in the future.

 

Second, in reading the other responses, I realized something. They have been together since high school and married at 18, then had a special needs child at 21...she never had the chance to 'get crazy'...no wild drinking binges, no one night stands, never really had a chance to have multiple boyfriends. She IS blaming him for 'stealing her youth' because she never had the chance to do the stupid things most of us did back then. Of course, she also didn't have to throw up the next morning, worry about STD's and pregnancy, and have her heart broken. It sounds like she it doing the things that most of us did (and learned not to keep doing) when we were young. I'm guessing that she feels trapped (being married and having a child) and is just looking for a way out to 'experience' life.

 

Of course, I am not justifying any of this. She HAD her chance and made her choices and should stick by them. I'm just trying to offer a different perspective so that it might be easier for you to understand her...crazy actions. She's just going through her rebellious stage that usually happens in the early 20's, only magnified by her perception of being 'trapped'. I still don't know what you can do to improve things, but you might start by telling her you understand (somewhat) what she is going through and try to get to a point to where you are going to move through this TOGETHER. Maybe that will help slow her down...I don't know, I'm just trying to see the other side of this. We still wish you the best and wish we had more to offer...

[bear_n_bunny 43]

First, I always assume that anyone asking a question is sincere and in need of help (and in this case I believe he is). Even if they are 'less than sincere', what does it matter...someone may still gather help from it in the future.

 

Second, in reading the other responses, I realized something. They have been together since high school and married at 18, then had a special needs child at 21...she never had the chance to 'get crazy'...no wild drinking binges, no one night stands, never really had a chance to have multiple boyfriends. She IS blaming him for 'stealing her youth' because she never had the chance to do the stupid things most of us did back then. Of course, she also didn't have to throw up the next morning, worry about STD's and pregnancy, and have her heart broken. It sounds like she it doing the things that most of us did (and learned not to keep doing) when we were young. I'm guessing that she feels trapped (being married and having a child) and is just looking for a way out to 'experience' life.

 

Of course, I am not justifying any of this. She HAD her chance and made her choices and should stick by them. I'm just trying to offer a different perspective so that it might be easier for you to understand her...crazy actions. She's just going through her rebellious stage that usually happens in the early 20's, only magnified by her perception of being 'trapped'. I still don't know what you can do to improve things, but you might start by telling her you understand (somewhat) what she is going through and try to get to a point to where you are going to move through this TOGETHER. Maybe that will help slow her down...I don't know, I'm just trying to see the other side of this. We still wish you the best and wish we had more to offer...

 

 

Hmmm...must be an echo in here...

[alextoro 18]

Just because you like swinging and I don't doesn't make me a troll. Disagreement or not liking someone else doesn't make them a troll. That word is way too overused.

[alextoro 18]

First, I always assume that anyone asking a question is sincere and in need of help (and in this case I believe he is). Even if they are 'less than sincere', what does it matter...someone may still gather help from it in the future.

 

Second, if reading the other responses, I realized something. They have been together since high school and married at 18, then had a special needs child at 21...she never had the chance to 'get crazy'...no wild drinking binges, no one night stands, never really had a chance to have multiple boyfriends. She IS blaming him for 'stealing her youth' because she never had the chance to do the stupid things most of us did back then. Of course, she also didn't have to throw up the next morning, worry about STD's and pregnancy, and have her heart broken. It sounds like she it doing the things that most of us did (and learned not to keep doing) when we were young. I'm guessing that she feels trapped (being married and having a child) and is just looking for a way out to 'experience' life.

 

Of course, I am not justifying any of this. She HAD her chance and made her choices and should stick by them. I'm just trying to offer a different perspective so that it might be easier for you to understand her...crazy actions. She's just going through her rebellious stage that usually happens in the early 20's, only magnified by her perception of being 'trapped'. I still don't know what you can do to improve things, but you might start by telling her you understand (somewhat) what she is going through and try to get to a point to where you are going to move through this TOGETHER. Maybe that will help slow her down...I don't know, I'm just trying to see the other side of this. We still wish you the best and wish we had more to offer...

 

But I didn't get to have fun with other people either because I was busy having fun with her

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Sorry Bear, I missed your post. Excellent point however.

 

But I didn't get to have fun with other people either because I was busy having fun with her

 

That's besides the point (in her eyes). So you are more mature than she is, I doubt that is a news flash.

[enhancer 1,585]

Just because you like swinging and I don't doesn't make me a troll. Disagreement or not liking someone else doesn't make them a troll. That word is way too overused.

 

You are right alextoro the troll label is thrown around far to much on the Internet and really does nothing, but cause more harm then good! The best thing to do if you feel someone is trolling is to not feed them by calling them out. A person is better off to ignore them and move along.

 

Regardless I think you have got a lot of good advice from a lot of good people on here as much as some of it is probably not what you wanted to hear.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

But I didn't get to have fun with other people either because I was busy having fun with her

 

I think what I'm hearing here is: "She all I need. Why aren't I all she needs?"

 

I think that's a question asked in lots of couples in crisis. Of course, there is no simple answer... and any answer anyone here might offer would be nothing more or less than a blind guess. Only your wife has a chance of knowing how she feels, and she might not even really know.

 

We loop back the subject of counseling. By trying to work this problem through with you wife, using the aid of an impartial professional, you may get the answers you need... though perhaps not the answers you want.

[bear_n_bunny 43]

But I didn't get to have fun with other people either because I was busy having fun with her

 

Alex, did you even bother to read my previous post on this situation? You are not getting it. This isn't about you. It is about HER. And the fact that she never got to go out and have her fun like most teenage girls do during their high school years and later teen years. Instead she was with you, Mr. "We/I don't like sex much". You may have THOUGHT you were "having fun" with her during those years, but it has become clear that SHE was NOT having fun with you.

 

And now she is going to have herself some fun, whether you like it or not. THAT is the problem you are going to have to address.

 

And as I said before, her desire to swing is not the cause of this problem. The problem is that she has been with you, and you alone, for the past ten years or so. She never got to fuck around when she was younger, so she is going to do it now. I have seen this before, many times.

 

This is why, as I mentioned before, if you want any chance at all of saving your marriage, the two of you need to get counseling, and quickly.

 

Cave Bear

[econobiker 165]

Alextoro,

Parents of special needs children are under far more stress than others- you are not alone with this.

I'm guessing that its probably been only a couple years since your daughter was diagnosed since autism is usually diagnosed only after age 2. It might be possible that autism has a hereditary component but THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT nor is it from vaccines (disproved). It maybe triggered from toxins in our environment but scientists are not sure yet.

 

You're wife (may have-edit) DEFINITELY has grief related to your daughters condition if "she is ashamed of your daughter" as you wrote.Your wife maybe manifesting pain/grief via wanting to experience sex with someone else thinking that the "grass is greener on the other side of the fence" having not "sown her wild oats" in her early 20s.

Or trying to rid herself of the pain/grief she's feeling via orgasm just in the same way you are using the beer. Do you know if your wife was masturbating more or increased her masturbation frequency than before (toys, fingers, showerhead, etc?) after the autism diagnosis but before everything went to shit between you two? That may indicate what she was feeling then escalating to now.

 

Your child's development is not typical so think about what your wife may feel that she is losing- maybe no typical little girl stuff, having to endure therapy visits for your daughter, maybe no regular school times, maybe no regular prom or quinceanera celebration, maybe her family or friends are embarrassing her about your daughter.

 

This isn't a swinging issue- this is a pair of married very young parents with a special needs child issue who are experiencing grief and sadness.

 

Be good for yourself and your family by completing your anger management classes. Let your wife know that you love her and understand that she hates what has changed in her perception of your family's future due to your daughter's autism. You try to help with your daughters therapy or visits or anything else you can that your wife previously had to do alone. Maybe you work on being available for the doctors or government mental health care workers. Let her see you help. Don't bring up the swinging other than, if she asks, to say that you don't want you two to participate in that until you both have worked --together-- on both of your feelings about your daughter's autism.

 

I know what you two are dealing with and, reversing the genders, I was the other parent 14 years ago of a special needs child just diagnosed with autism. Except I purchased escort service prostitutes using funds from a small side business I had back then. I lost my marriage, house, primary parenting rights, that small business, a shitload of money and endured a lot of pain in fighting for my rights to be a parent. Yes, I had to "mature and endure" and now I swing because of honesty not to escape pain or grief.

 

Keep up, there is always an answer to a question, it might not be the answer that you want but it is an answer nevertheless.

 

Econobiker

[Riskyventure 16]

A man shouldn't feel guilty for thinking other women are beautiful

[TXTwo 11]

Just because you like swinging and I don't doesn't make me a troll. Disagreement or not liking someone else doesn't make them a troll. That word is way too overused.

 

Regardless, I just find it odd that you say you don't like Swinging, and come asking for advice on a board where all the people happen to like what you come asking for advice against.

 

It's like saying your SO is obsessed with Football and want him to stop, and go looking for advice for it on the NFL.com boards.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Regardless, I just find it odd that you say you don't like Swinging, and come asking for advice on a board where all the people happen to like what you come asking for advise against.

 

I disagree completely and vehemently. What better place to better understand something than among people who are experienced and knowledgeable?

 

If he'd gone to an online community for people who are against swinging, all he would have gotten would be people telling him how horrible swinging is and how horrible his wife is for doing it. Instead, he came here... to people who could offer an informed perspective while being sympathetic and understanding of his point of view (at least for some of us).

 

Imagine if more people took the time and effort to seek out different points of view, and if more people were respectful and understanding of those who disagreed. What a world that might be.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

 

Always treat every question as someone really asking for assistance and even if they are a 'troll' (and I'm NOT saying that is the case here), the answer may very well help someone else out...but what if you treat them like they are faking it but they really needed the help?

 

Hope things go better for you Alex

[10thBadger 25]

On 9/1/2016 at 2:10 PM, Niknmik said:

This isn't really a swinging issue it sounds to me but a communication issue. Also, keep in mind you're on a website with people who do regularly have sex with people who aren't their spouse, so using a word like "betraying" is very loaded. It's not a betrayal if everyone is on board. It is if someone is coerced or cheats and decides to say they were "swinging". Cheating on your spouse is not the same thing as swinging, hotwifeing/hothubbying, etc. There's a good reason why basically every single "beginners guide" to those things advises having good communication and a solid and fulfilling relationship before dipping your toes in.

 

That being said, you and your wife did that other couple pretty dirty. I would strongly, strongly advise you not to engage with other people in the lifestyle going forward no matter how much your wife pressures you. If you're not on board, that's not fair to YOU either, and you deserve better than that.

 

It sounds like you two need counseling if you want to try and save your marriage. It also sounds like your wife attempted to use swinging as a way to mend your marriage, which is never a good idea. Her saying she felt like marrying you "stole her youth" makes me think she felt like swinging as a last ditch effort to try NOT to cheat on or divorce you.

 

As far as why... as a newbie to this, no, it's not because my husband isn't "good enough". We have never been the kind of couple that was jealous of each other. Watching other women eye bang my husband through the years always had me wanting to take him home and screw his brains out, because I'm so turned on by other women finding MY husband attractive and the thought of him rocking her world like he regularly rocks mine. We both also don't tie our love to sex. Sex can be very intimate, but it can also be just a wild and fun recreational activity. I married my husband because I am in love with his soul, not the flesh it's inhabiting, fun as I may find said flesh. This is not a last ditch effort by us to not cheat, not even close. We have a child and a beautiful life together, and we thought it'd be fun to share some fantasies and realized we had this one in common and so we are exploring and enjoying that experience together. Just talking about it and planning our first club visit has led to tons of extra hot encounters. This is how our relationship has evolved. If my husband was unhappy in our marriage, I would never consent to swinging, I'd be phoning a therapist for us ASAP. Sex will not glue together a broken relationship.

 

Sorry if any of this was too harsh, I just don't think it's fair to blame swinging in this instance. I am very sorry your relationship is on the rocks and you're in such distress. Best of luck to you, your wife, and your family going forward. I sincerely hope you guys can work it out and find happiness.

 

-N

The idea that she would say that Marrying him stole her youth. That would be enough for me to say OK there’s a way we can fix that. Divorce and then you can find your youth at any level that you want and then I will tell her but remember there will never be anyone that will love you the way I love you. If she continues to act a fool, start the  proceedings. 
 

I married my wife while she was very young and she had to deal with a lot of bullshit that she didn’t expect to deal with. NO, NOT with me cheating or doing stupid things. She had to deal being a military wife and after we married I ended up being gone for 273 days. She only had about six weeks to adjust from being in a different country and being away from her family. I was lucky that I was stationed in Stuttgart Germany so her family could come see her from Latvia and then shortly after she was pregnant.

 

But not once has she ever said I took her youth. And so many times when I came home she was the one that integrated me back into the family. Being gone either training or actively working on tour in multiple countries just to come home and have my seven kids attack me to have fun but when I told him to do something, they would look at their mother as if it is OK. This is when they were smaller. But never would you ever say I stole her youth and she is sitting right next to me saying, she had a tough but that would be one of the most hurtful things to say to a husband.

 

I said he should divorce her, and let her find another man that will love her the way she wants to be loved  and then find a wife that would be more considerate

[EastInWest 1,524]

A hard fact of adulthood is that, for some people, the passage of time will always be resented. There will never be a "good enough" and whoever is there is just in the line of fire.

 

I hope things worked out for the OP, but the truth is very probably that if he hadn't been there when she was younger, she still would have been acting out later.

[10thBadger 25]

22 minutes ago, EastInWest said:

A hard fact of adulthood is that, for some people, the passage of time will always be resented. There will never be a "good enough" and whoever is there is just in the line of fire.

 

I hope things worked out for the OP, but the truth is very probably that if he hadn't been there when she was younger, she still would have been acting out later.

Absolutely true, Your post is absolutely true