Advice and help needed for newbie with the scene etc

[NOTVALID 15]

I will try and cut this as short as I can. I am 52 and wife just turned 50. Both were virgins when we met and there has only ever been the 2 of us SEXUALLY. It has been hard through the ages, Mrs N, still gets embarrassed if the light is on or when she wears the mildest of lingerie. One minute you can talk to her about sex..the next she is embarrassed, she rarely brings the subject up in any form. Owing to the above, I tread carefully for her confidence.

 

About 4 years ago she got a kindle, since then her thought pattern about sex has become confusing to me. She is always reading about sex,yet the real thing seems to evade her. No matter how you try it, it is a taboo subject. Then a programme came on and out of the blue, and I think it was partly to do with what she reads, she says she would like to visit a Swingers Club. However, she would feel awkward if she went with me, I asked why? I would go with her so she had company, however I am not interested, so if she went off, I would just wait. Sexually as she has been so repressed, I feel I have missed out, I do not want her to feel the same (I am strong mentally, so it is not because she feels I am weak).

 

So to now, we are going on holiday, she agreed she would like to go, and would I take her, she knows I have no interest and that's fine. However, I have read you need to wear lingerie etc when you walk around, even if she decides just to observe. I am worried about her confidence, if she is embarrassed to wear it in front of me after all these years', how will she wear it in front of strangers. What if she does something and then regrets it, I am not going to ask if she did/did not, however I am sure a guess would be close to the truth. Is it possible the Kindle has given her a false Idea of the life or is it maybe what she needs. She came from a family who stated just kissing in public is dirty (maybe help with the profile). What do you experienced folk think. Sexually I am still active with her, however she has to be in the right mood, not often.

 

Sorry for long-winded story.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

I have read you need to wear lingerie etc when you walk around, even if she decides just to observe.

 

Not true. There is no dress code at most clubs. If you want to dress in lingerie or sexy cloths, then you can, but if you don't, that's okay as well. You should read some of the other threads about swingers clubs in 'Curious About Swinging' before you go. You need to still have some discussions with your wife about limits and expectations. I think you will find that there are (usually) a bunch of very polite, classy people that attend the clubs. Once you arrive, tell the owner that you are new and they will usually show you the place and give you an idea of what to expect. More than likely you will be left alone unless you try to initiate something with another couple.

 

So to now, we are going on holiday, she agreed she would like to go, and would I take her, she knows I have no interest and thats fine.

 

You have no interest in swinging? That's fine, but please make sure that your wife knows that you are interested in her and want to support her in trying to help her come out of her shell. It does sound like you would be interested in that. She needs to know that you are there for her and that whatever she is willing to try (and I'm assuming that going to a swingers club is mostly curiosity on her part) is a good thing. DO NOT make her feel that you are just going along with her to humor her or that her curiosity is anything less than something you are for.

 

You need to let her know that you are always willing to talk about sex (actually anything and everything) with her. You want to get her to open up to you. Work on the big three - love, trust, and communication. Improving these are always a good thing. It sounds like she is trying to expand her horizons, show that you are there to help her do this.

[NOTVALID 15]

I will back her to the hilt, however in view it took her 20 years to partake in a 69, I am worried for her that it is her Kindle and not

her thinking.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

From what you describe about your wife, it sound like she is not close to being ready to have the kind of sexual adventure that is part and parcel of the swinging lifestyle.

 

To be successful and happy in the lifestyle, it seems to me that a couple needs to have open, honest communication. Being willing and able to share your fantasies, fears, issues, concerns, naughty thoughts, and insecurities is the way to vaccinate yourselves from the pitfalls of swinging. After all, swinging, if done wrong, can be a serious shock to a relationship. It can make a great relationship even better as the couple shares a daring and sexy adventure together, but it can also expose the cracks in a relationship that has latent weaknesses. As one example from your description, you should feel free to ask your wife after her encounter in a swinger club what happened, and she should feel free to tell you!

 

Another good aspect of a foundation for entry into the lifestyle is a sense of sexual adventure. Your wife's stated desire to go to a swinger club seems very much out of character with the rest of her sexual persona, as you've described it. It's not at all clear that she is prepared to experience the thing that often comprises a primary element of a swinging experience; namely, having non-monogamous sexual contact. Now, many people have talked about entering the lifestyle, and come with butterflies, insecurities, or uncertainty. But somehow this seems different. It sounds like your wife is not ready to be sexually adventurous with you by getting naked while the lights are on or wearing sexy lingerie, so it's not clear how she figures on doing anything with anyone else. I bring this up not to be confrontational, but to encourage you two to think this idea through a bit.

 

It also raises something of a question in my mind as to why your wife does not want you to be in the club with you. Here's where my two main concerns converge. I suggest that you and she sit down and have an open, non-judgmental, friendly, honest conversation about this issue. Really, that kind of conversation about the whole thing would be a great idea! What is she reading, does she really feel dirty kissing you in public, what are her fantasies, what does she want to have happen in this club, what does she feel when you see her in lingerie, and... why does she not want you with her in the club?

 

While the open, honest thinking and talking is happening, it might be worthwhile to examine your own thoughts about all of this. You're a loving and unselfish husband for encouraging her to explore this idea and make up for her "missing out" on some sexual adventures, but what about you? Why are you not interested in giving the swinging lifestyle a try? Haven't you "missed out" to exactly the same degree as your wife? Do you somehow feel like you don't deserve the same adventure as you are willing to give her? Do you think that she would not be OK with it?

 

I wish you two good luck on talking this over, hopefully having a grand adventure together, and coming away stronger and closer than you have been before!

[NOTVALID 15]

coupleinMD79. What a great reply, I think you nailed it. Yes I feel I have missed out. She was so sexually repressed when we met, it was

hard for me, as we were both virgins when me met. In fact we had our first kiss together. Somehow I had to take on the role of guiding her whilst having no experience myself. Shyness is the biggest understatement. I really feel like I could never partake, a) I would not feel comfortable b)If I enjoyed the experience and she "dies" when she goes and leaves the club or becomes embarrassed, I feel it would devastate her.

It is almost impossible to talk sex, now and again she opens up, if there is any pause for a second, she stops talking sex. In England there is a company that sells sex aids and Lingerie, they had a fun yes/no to questions, she would not even do that. Outside of this, she would do anything for me, and I mean anything. Hopefully out of the Country she will relax more. Your comments were really appreciated.

[NOTVALID 15]

Well we went to Amsterdam. Visited the RLD, she seemed to enjoy it, and we saw a sex show. She enjoyed it, or said she did, however she did not want to go the next night. Talked about going to a Swingers club, she decided not to. On return, she said she wished shed had visited to see what it is like. I am not sure If I will ever crack her code. I cannot support her more than I do, I never have and never will judge her. She slightly opened up and said she would feel she let me down. I said she would not be. Maybe it will open up a new confidence in her. She deliberated, then said she felt she would look to old, there really is only so many times you can build up a confidence, as I say, I have no experience sexually and am just as shy, for her I just try to make things as easy as possible, maybe I have been trying to hard? Holiday wise we had a great time.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

Happy to read that you had a good time. I believe you are headed in the right direction and that it will all soon come together for both of you.

[NOTVALID 15]

Thanks for your kind words.

[kikonkrome 844]

@NOTVALID good luck with the swing club, there is nothing wrong with you guys going just to observe and enjoy the naughty atmosphere.

 

@GOLDCOCOUPLE there are dress codes at swing clubs, here in North America and in Europe. Just and FYI. As far as a dress code of just lingerie, maybe? Who knows? Certainly Europeans use dress to distinguish people more than Americans.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

You are right, but most dress codes just involve dressing nice...and most couples (I hope) wouldn't dress poorly to attend a club. I forgot that there are some people who don't understand what 'classy' and 'business casual' means. But as for clubs that require lingerie, that isn't usually the case unless the couple chooses to dress that way. Anyways, we stand corrected.