My wife is not happy with our sex life

[goodfella44 15]

Hi Everyone,

 

My wife and I don't swing, but I found this site and figured this would be a good place to talk about a concern of mine in my marriage.

 

My wife and I have a decent sex life. Goes in spurts but we generally enjoy it when it happens. We're married 8 years, I’m 42, she’s 37. We are an attractive couple.

 

This morning when we woke up, after talking about sex we had last night, she said that she was thinking of “spicing things up” a little bit. I asked her what she meant, and she said she was thinking about bringing another man into the bedroom, no emotional strings attached. Right away my chin dropped at the thought of it, as I have never done this before. She said not to freak out, she read that many couples do it under agreed terms, and it betters their sex lives.

 

I am KIND OF up for it if it will make her happy. However, she wants it be someone we know who we can trust. She mentioned an ex boyfriend of hers who is a mutual friend of ours as a possibility. He’s now married too. Good guy, we see him around mutual friends. Now the GOOD with this is, we know the guy and he respects me with my wife. Their time has passed. What WORRIES me about it is, from what my wife has told me about him, they had VERY rough sex. Kinky, even degrading stuff. Even her friends have told me when we first started dating in a joking manner.

 

QUESTION: Is she trying to relive what she had with this guy? Or is she really trying to better OUR sex life?

[intuition897 2,179]

Hi goodfella44, welcome to SB!

 

Oy. You just dropped a boatload of red flags here. If I may...

 

Hi Everyone,

 

My wife and I dont swing, but I found this site and figured this would be a good place to talk about a concern of mine in my marriage.

 

My wife and I have a decent sex life. Goes in spurts but we generally enjoy it when it happens. We're married 8 years, I’m 42, she’s 37. We are an attractive couple.

 

This morning when we woke up, after talking about sex we had last night, she said that she was thinking of “spicing things up” a little bit. I asked her what she meant, and she said she was thinking about bringing another man into the bedroom, no emotional strings attached. Right away my chin dropped at the thought of it, as I have never done this before. She said not to freak out, she read that many couples do it under agreed terms, and it betters their sex lives.

 

I am KIND OF up for it if it will make her happy. However, she wants it be someone we know who we can trust. She mentioned an ex boyfriend of hers who is a mutual friend of ours as a possibility. He’s now married too. Good guy, we see him around mutual friends. Now the GOOD with this is, we know the guy and he respects me with my wife. Their time has passed. What WORRIES me about it is, from what my wife has told me about him, they had VERY rough sex. Kinky, even degrading stuff. Even her friends have told me when we first started dating in a joking manner.

 

QUESTION: Is she trying to relive what she had with this guy? Or is she really trying to better OUR sex life?

 

Sometimes the ex-boyfriend thing works out, but having been around the board since dirt was new, I haven't seen it often. That's probably the most concerning element, especially since she first butters you up with the idea of bringing in "a man" (ie: nameless, faceless, generic man), and then drops the bomb that, actually, she kind of had her ex-boyfriend in mind.

 

Other concerns:

Swinging will NOT fix anything; it just amplifies whatever is already there, so it makes good things better, and bad things worse.

 

The guy is married. How does HIS wife feel about it? This is a hotly debated point here, but personally I feel it's just bad karma to get involved in or enable a behaviour whereby someone stands to be hurt.

 

You're not super enthusiastic about it. I'm sensing unequal levels of enthusiasm on your and her parts; this can lead to one half pushing/pulling the other along, and the other leaving clawmarks in the floorboards. It's not unusual, of course, when starting out for one person to be more into it, but it's just worth pointing out the possibility, and risks, of one person getting railroaded. I can only recommend talking about EVERYTHING, and going at the pace of the least comfortable person (in this case, that would be you).

 

The super rough, kinky sex. Now there's nothing wrong with that, and swinging IS all about getting that variety that we simply can't offer our partner...because we're just one person. The thing that concerns me is that maybe she hasn't talked to you about her preference for it, and suggesting this scenario is a way to get something she's craving without having to go through the discomfort of talking it through with you, under the guise of "spicing things up."

 

I'm going by one post, here - yours - and not hearing your wife's version, so I could be way off... If I had to guess, she's probably been fantasizing about this scenario for some time now, and has been reluctant to tell you about it. I would also be alert to any gut feelings about lingering emotional attachments, and what those might mean to you, her or him. It may even be unintentional on her part, but their prior relationship warrants a little extra scrutiny.

 

Sorry to be a wet blanket about all this! Swinging is wicked awesome fun, and Mr. intuition897 and I love it, but it's the real deal. You're working without a net, here, and relationships can and have been hurt because the couple was unprepared to put in the necessary work. As I mentioned before, talk long, deep and often, talk about the stuff that's hardest to talk about, be kind and open towards one another, and go at the pace of the least comfortable person. Hopefully this helps a little...

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Hello, goodfella44, and welcome to SwingersBoard!

 

intuition897 gave some really good advice! In reading your story, I have a concern, thinking about whether it is the general notion of bringing a third into the bedroom, or the idea of bringing this guy into the bedroom, that is the real attraction for your wife. One way to discern the difference might be to see if her level of enthusiasm is as high if you two were to instead consider bringing in someone that you two do not already know. This is not a bad idea anyway, as playing with friends, especially ex-boyfriends, can be fraught with potential problems.

 

Let me reassure you that you can find a guy for a threesome, without going to an ex-boyfriend! There are plenty of ways to meet a new person, and it can be both fun and safe. You can set up a profile on one of the swinger sites that specialize in helping people to meet, such as SLS, SDC, SZC, Swingtowns, APG, Kasidie, or Quiver. She can indicate there her desire for more rough, kinky sex. You can carefully vet people together, and for those you want to meet, you can set up a first get-together in a public place, like a bar or restaurant, where you can talk and get to know the guy. It is very common for people to state right up front that a first meeting will be just for talking and getting to know each other, with no sex.

 

How do you think she would react if you were to express a desire for an encounter with another woman on the same terms as she expressed? I don't know if this idea holds any interest for you, but an exploration of the subject, in theory at least, might give a clue to her thinking about broadening your sex life generally.

 

I note that the title you chose for this thread, "Wife is not happy with our sex life", is rather more dire-sounding than the body of your post. Do you really think she is not happy, or is she thinking about improving an already-good thing? You characterized your sex life as "decent"- are you unhappy with your sex life? Iscthere something you would like to do to improve your sexual relationship with your wife? If so, that would make for another great topic of conversation between you!

 

Good luck, and I hope you two keep talking!

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

to everything already said above...

 

Swinging will NOT fix anything; it just amplifies whatever is already there, so it makes good things better, and bad things worse.

 

Pay extra close attention to this. Swinging only AMPLIFIES what's already there. It sounds like what you have isn't in all that good of shape and moving forward will only make things worse (hey, look at this, a bunch of swingers saying that you probably shouldn't swing). Unless you have love, trust and communication IN EXCESS, then I would have to say that this isn't a good plan.

 

Work on your love, trust and communication and when you feel that you have more of each than you have ever thought possible, THEN think about returning to the idea of swinging...but not with her now married ex-boyfriend. I STRONGLY doubt that HIS wife will be on board with this either which means that for things to move ahead, HE would be cheating on his wife...and cheating IS NEVER swinging. If, at some point you are ready and WILLING to move forward with this, as Coupleinmd already pointed out, finding a willing male to participate is like shooting fish in a barrel. Don't bring potential drama into another couples life.

 

Oh, and welcome...

[Alura 2,774]

I think one of the reasons couples choose to swing is that one can do things with someone one doesn't love that just doesn't work with one's spouse. For instance, Mrs. Alura really enjoyed "hard" sex. It was something I had trouble providing. I was holding the person dearest to me in my arms. How could I be rough with her? I needed to show her how much I cared. I had no trouble being "rough" with any "Mrs.Playmate," if that's what she wanted.

 

That your wife's ex-boyfriend is married would have deterred us for much the same reason Intuition cited above. Still, we would have explored the possibility that his wife might be interested in making it a foursome.

 

Good luck!

[padoc 1,703]

You should ask your question of her. Anything offered here is speculation and will likely not do you or your marriage any good at all. Go to the source.

[enhancer 1,585]

Welcome to the board! Happy to have you here and hope you use this board to help you figure this out before you jump into anything. There is a lot of help and good advice by the people who responded. I hope you can use some of it to start the real dialogue you need to have with your wife now that the conversation is started. There will need to be a lot of real questions and real answers by both of you for this to work for both of you and it must be about both of you to work.

 

I will be honest with you, IMO doing something like this with an ex is a terrible idea and doing it with a married ex is even more of a terrible idea! There are a million other guys out there that would be more then happy to play the role for you guys that there was never an emotional connection to. There was something there once right? Why play with fire like that? As for the married part unless they are in an honest open relationship do you and your wife really feel okay with being part of the biggest betrayal one person can do to another? Is his wife just a bad person who deserves to be disrespected like that? Does anyone deserve to be disrespected like that? Is a person that doesn't treat his own wife with respect going to treat you and your wife with respect? Swinging is not about hurting others to get what you want. Cheaters give swingers a bad name and I don't consider them swingers. Of coarse if they are actually in an open honest relationship these things are not a concern.

 

More questions I would have if I was in your shoes! Is this really about putting spice into your sex life or is it about the ex? What do I get out of this? What can you as a couple alone do to bring some more excitement into the bedroom? Is our communication strong enough to resolve things if they don't go as planned? Will I be able to live out some of my fantasies on equal terms whatever they might be? How will I feel if it becomes her playing without me there?

 

Would be a great idea for your wife to join you on this site so you two can get a better view about what the lifestyle is all about! Ask questions and you will get some good answers.

[10thBadger 25]

Badgers wife here; 

 

why in the hell with your wife want to be with her ex-boyfriend? There is a reason why he is her ex boyfriend. I know for a fact that if my husband and I would ever do something like this, the last person I would want to be with is an ex-boyfriend and for him to catch feelings again regardless if he is married or not. Maybe I am just used to having a real man because my husband is. Maybe you could just start to do the things that she wants to do and just fuck her and not make love to her so that she can have both at the same time but have it be just you. I think that would be a solution.