Ghosting swinger couples - why?

[Dumuzi 18]

So, my wife and I swing about twice a year. We just don't have the time or energy for it, I guess. Anyways, last week we went to our local swingers club and met this amazing couple. We played, but more importantly we really connected with them. They were funny, down-to-earth, sexy, intelligent, and really enthusiastic about our playtime. We had a great time, exchanged information, and emailed a few times. They kept saying things like, "Make sure you keep in touch with us!" and "We want to see you again!" Then...they ghosted us.

 

What causes couples to ghost others? We didn't talk on email about anything that would have scared them away, just the most basic of pleasantries and making loose plans for when we would hook up again. And then...nothing.

 

So, what's that all about. Please, help me understand. I assume anything could have happened: one of them could have reconsidered for a multitude of reasons, they could have just changed their minds...who knows.

 

But, I guess what I am asking is: what have your experience been with couples who ghost, even though everything seemed really awesome between you?

[njbm 2,924]

Never heard the term ghosting. I guess you mean disappeared. We like to make FWBs who we get together with periodically. It almost never happens. Don't know why, we just keep looking.

[kikonkrome 845]

Pretty common frankly. We honestly do not expect people to be around much outside of meeting at a club.

 

Honestly I think it is a matter of bandwidth and having time for it. We are very similar to you, lead busy lives, etc. Go out to a swing club a dozen or so times a year. We do not really expect much from the other couples we meet.

 

We have had a few couples that we have met outside the club, but in general we do not expect it to happen.

 

I think people, especially in a large urban environment are just busy and there are just too many other things to draw their attention away. So what was fun, being friends with you, turns into a chore.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,027]

It is our experience that some people whom you meet at a club will stay in your lives; others will not. We have even upon at least one occasion been "that couple", having deflected overtures that followed a night of debauchery.

 

Even with people you meet using on-line facilities this can happen. It is not a phenomenon associated especially with meetings at a club.

[Dumuzi 18]

Thank you for your responses. At least I can feel comfortable knowing its not just us. Ah, well, that's one of the reasons we only play with other couples once or twice a year. We're probably closer to being poly than just pure, hardcore swingers, only in that we want a more meaningful connection with others in addition to the sexual fun. But, we also tried poly and it was just too contrived and dramatic for us. We're still seeking that gray space between being hardcore swingers and being poly, if there is one.

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

Many times life gets in the way. Family members die, cars crash, other tragedies. They don't know you that well so they just drop off the face of the earth to you. I would suggest reaching out again in a few months.

[GoldCoCouple 4,070]

It's only been a week! Give them some time and space and see what happens. They, like you, may only think about playing on an occasional basis and contacting them and expecting an answer in a week just seems rather fast. We only play about one a month...after we meet with the other couple we usually play with, we both understand that it will probably be two seeks before we starting planning getting together again (we are similar to you being more 'poly' or FWB as well)...and that's okay. Don't rush things or pressure them (pressure too often is interpreted as drama). Wait a month and then try just touching base again.

[older couple 132]

I agree with Funcoupledayton. My wife and I had a relationship with a couple that was so fantastic it lasted for 4 years. We were the same age had so much in common. Then he was transferred and they suddenly dropped off the earth. Their email changed, phone number changed and even went to visit them but they had moved but one of their neighbors said they moved to be close to her family. She explained what had happened. His wife came down with pelvic cancer had to have her whole sex organs removed. That killed her sex drive. She was 58 years old and the doctors told her it wasn't safe for her to go on estrogen because of her age. It might cause other complications like breast cancer they said. Her vagina dried up and shrank. It became painful. She just didn't want anymore sex. Nothing to drive her sexually. No more swinging and she came from a religious family. So she told her neighbor she was being punished for her sins and was going home to her family to be a reborn Christian. So, as Funcoupledayton says: "Many times life gets in the way."

[Niknmik 161]

Thank you for your responses. At least I can feel comfortable knowing its not just us. Ah, well, that's one of the reasons we only play with other couples once or twice a year. We're probably closer to being poly than just pure, hardcore swingers, only in that we want a more meaningful connection with others in addition to the sexual fun. But, we also tried poly and it was just too contrived and dramatic for us. We're still seeking that gray space between being hardcore swingers and being poly, if there is one.

 

No offense meant but this would probably push us from being play partners to becoming people who would ghost. I want to feel comfortable but if someone talked about wanting to date my husband and get comfortable with him in a romantic capacity I'd probably freak out a bit internally and be like "We're not getting together with them again." I'm into being non-monogamous but I am not ok even a little bit with us dabbling in polyamory. Obviously you need to find your own sweet space/grey area like you said, but I'd urge you to be cognizant that what you're looking for is something a lot of us have rules explicitly against.

[Dumuzi 18]

Well, I would agree with your post NiknMik except that THEY talked about polyamory before we ever even hinted at such a thing. In fact, we were both like, "Nah, we tried that and it didn't work out!" Truthfully, they were both 100% on board and were aggressive about us hanging out again....then vanished. Me and the husband talked on email a few times, just planning our next encounter, and then they ghosted. So, no matter how I slice it, there wasn't anything we did on our end to chase them away. But, I guess that's just how it goes.

[PB&J 1,086]

I want to echo what GoldCoCouple said. They may simply have too many other things on their minds right now. We played with a couple a few weeks back, they sent us a note a few days ago about setting up a next date, and it's been three days and we haven't gotten back to them yet, but we will.

 

Why?

 

Out of the last 7 days, I have spent 3 of them dealing with my elderly mother. I spent all Sunday in committee meetings for a board I sit on. We spent all Tuesday together shopping for a new car. I had 3 rehearsals for a play I'm directing. I went to see another play put on by friends. On top of which, I'm newly retired and starting a new career and am busy getting contracts and doing the work. And he works ten hours a day.

 

Life happens. Sometimes, more for me than him, swinging falls down to number 5 or 6 in my list of priorities. That doesn't mean we won't get around to it. Give them a chance.