What is the nicest way to tell a couple you do not wish to meet?

[njbm 2,924]

On SLS, we sometimes tell people we do not wish to meet. Is there a really nice way to say it. I am talking about communicating the decline by email.

 

One gentleman said we were not a four way match, but he was in awe of my wife (we met at a house party). That was NOT how to do it.

 

Does anyone have a sensitive catch phrase?

[enhancer 1,587]

Rejecting people online is not one of my favorite things to do! I really hate having to be the one to do it, but sometimes it has to be done. I don't know that there is a nice way to do it, but there is no need to be rude unless the people approaching you are. I usually just say thanks for the interest, but you are not what we are looking for. Most people seem to be able to accept that, but there will be the odd ones that feel the need to question that. I feel it is best not to elaborate and get into the details of why we are not interested and I am not sure how it could do anyone any good to hear them.

 

The way that guy expressed they were not a four way match with you is not the way to do it though! He might as well of said I am really into your wife, but my wife isn't into you. I probably would have responded that yes we are not a four way match, because my wife isn't interested in you either and ended the conversation. He was probably hoping to get a chance to just play with your wife which seems to be a common theme with many guys from couples we talk to.

[Fundamental Law 2,928]

Keep it brief and keep it respectful. "Thank you for your interest. We respectfully decline. We wish you the best in your search and on the journey."

[AngelandTiger 367]

" He might as well of said I am really into your wife, but my wife isn't into you."

 

We have received exactly that response a time or two. I, naturally, prefer Fundamental Law's approach. But then, I do agree with most of what FL has to say!

 

T

[funcoupledayton 2,710]

We just say, "Maybe we'll run into you at the club sometime."

 

You never know. We have played and become friends with people who said, "not interested" online. We met them later at the club and hit it off. We never said anything about the online interaction.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

I'm glad you posted this question, njbm, because I confess that we have used the "not a four-way match" line before! I didn't elaborate about who was not a match with whom, but I had thought the "not a four-way match" phrasing was a less insensitive way of saying it... I will try to be more sensitive in the future.

 

We also think it's a bad idea to get into any details about the nature or specifics of the non-match. It's not going to help anyone, since we are usually talking about personal "chocolate vs strawberry" preferences, rather than perceived flaws in a person. Going into detail only invites conflict, bad feelings, and more ego-bruising for the "declined" person.

 

I have a single woman friend who has chosen to generally just not answer offers if she doesn't want to pursue a meet, rather than reply with any kind of "no, thanks" response. She says that she used to say a polite "no thank you", and was frequently being confronted with requests for an explanation of "why not". She did not like those requests! While I don't agree that ignoring an offer to meet is a polite thing to do, I at least understand her perspective a little more, now that she has told me how it often plays out for her. I was unhappily surprised to hear how often the guys were pestering her for an explanation!

[Fundamental Law 2,928]

One more observation.

 

We think it is extraordinary, yet so very typical of the LS community, that there is a thread devoted to gentleness around rejection. It speaks to a set of attitudes--attitudes of dignity and of respect--that arise from core values that we find widely shared among long-term LS couples. These values include honesty, communication and honor.

 

Think for a moment about other areas of (y)our collective vanilla lives where friends, co-workers, neighbors or even family put as much thought into the delivery of a "rejection" message.

 

This is one among many reasons why we so often choose to spend 'free' time with people we have met in the LS: there's no ambiguity that everyone is looking forward to spending time together.

[njbm 2,924]

We don't like getting rejected and we often wonder what others didn't like about us. We really don't want to do it to others. I will admit that declining to meet with people just based on their pictures and profiles does not give a couple a full chance.

 

To us, personality is more important than appearance and you don't get personality from online profiles. We often wonder about people who have rejected us online and ducked us in person at parties and they don't even know us!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,027]

We just say, "Maybe we'll run into you at the club sometime."

This is good.

[WhyNot? 18]

Originally Posted by funcoupledayton

We just say, "Maybe we'll run into you at the club sometime."

I'm not sure this is the best way. We're new to lifestyle and so far

We have only met FWB at clubs. I have said above to folks who want to meet us privately, not that we don't necessarily want to meet but we would WANT to meet at a club. I hope that when I said that it didn't mean we weren't interested. Maybe better to say the tried and true "we're not a match" and leave it at that. Just my 2 cents

J&C

[njbm 2,924]

Well it's true. You don't want to give people false hope.But Funcouple Dayton really did play with some of these people at their club.

 

Some people do need a clear shoot down or they will keep trying.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

Some people do need a clear shoot down or they will keep trying.

There is something worse than being rejected- being rejected but not knowing that for sure, and acting like an ass as you think there's still a chance! That's why I would not be in favor of the "maybe we'll see you at a club" thing.

[mrmrsjiggly 111]

I do believe the real issue with turning people down is the fact people confuse lack of attraction with rejection. How can anyone you have never met or only met for a brief period of time reject you? You do not have enough knowledge of them to value their opinion and little or no time invested in the relationship.

 

The only way you can believe your not attractive or worth knowing is if you believe it yourselves. Just because someone else is not into you does not make you unattractive, it just makes you not their type.

 

Always remember the tastes and desires of people in the lifestyle are as varied as those in the lifestyle and everyone has a different approach.

 

As for a 4 way connection we have learned its almost impossible so when a couple makes that suggestion to us we are fine with it. As consenting adults we have found ourselves in situations where a good time was had by all. It just takes lining everyone up in the right order. Sometimes playtime gets hot enough that things work out anyway. The only requirement we have is if one of us plays with a couple the other can be there to watch if they want to.

[njbm 2,924]

Our rule is we both play or we don't play. But the four way match is elusive.

[Sjmar 141]

My cut and paste reply is "Thanks for reaching out :-) I'm not sure we would be compatible, but best of luck in your pursuits!"